news flash...this just in...


According to the National Geographic
the chances of
DYING are 100%!


Thats right, the TOTAL ODDS of you dying by any cause are an astounding
1 in 1!

Some of the following stats are from the National Safety Council (who are obviously not doing a very good job if this list is any indicator!) and apply specifically to residents of the U. S. of A.
Canada does not have all of those
G U N DEATHS!

Anyway, statistically speaking you and I will probably succumb to one or more of the following damnit:

a) Shark Attack while trying to get back into a Helicopter 1 in 3
b) Heart Disease 1 in 5
c) Cancer 1 in 7
d) Stroke 1 in 24
e) Motor Vehicle accident 1 in 84


f) Suicide 1 in 119
g) Falling 1 in 218
h) Gun Assault 1 in 314
i) Pedestrian accident 1 in 626
j) Drowning 1 in 1,008


k) Motorcycle accident 1 in 1,020
l) Fire/Smoke 1 in 1,113
m) Bicycling 1 in 4,919
n) Air/Space Travel 1 in 5,051
o) Accidental Gun Discharge 1 in 5,134


p) Electrocution (accidental) 1 in 9,968
q) Alcohol Poisoning 1 in 10,048
r) Hot Weather 1 in 13,729
s) Hornet/Wasp/Bee Sting 1 in 56,789
t) Legal Execution 1 in 62,468


u) Lightning 1 in 79,746
v) Flood 1 in 144,156
w) Fireworks discharge 1 in 340,733
x) Crushed by Adoring Fans during Final Farewell Concert Tour 1 in 478,641
y) Guilt from the Devil 1 in 666,666
z) Shark Attack (w/o Helicopter) 1 in 8,000,000

I am almost guaranteed either heart disease (thanks DNA) or Shark Attack while trying to get back into a helicopter. Although it is summer so alcohol poisoning and hot weather are always a real threat.
How will you be exiting?????

Just once, I would like to answer the doorbell on a Saturday morning and find two Rastafarians giggling on my doorstep.
What a relief from those tedious, ashen faced, End-Timers nervously teetering on worn out heels, or those fresh faced, decaffinated, 18 year olds who introduce themselves as Elders...
Elders, my pajamas are older than you guys!

Instead of yelling,
"Honey, could you be a dear and run upstairs and get that shoebox in the back of our closet and bring it down..
the one behind the photo albums..
and for gawd sake don't drop it!"

I would smile and say,
"Good Day Gentlemen, won't you please come in."

What a breath of fresh air..er...no...
what a welcome relief from listening to a ten minute sermon on
how terrible HELL is going to be
for me, my family, and everyone that I know.
Especially when this is all happening before I've even finished
my first cup of Good Mornin' America.

For one thing, there is no way that these guys would be waking you up at 9am.
We are talkin' the crack of noon.
Instead of me feeling imprisoned by guilt and politely standing there listening to the ridiculous fire insurance McSpeech about the few spots left in Heaven and wondering to myself whether 15 years in prison is worth the few seconds of joy that I am about to experience when my trigger finger stops twiching.
Hmm.... would a jury of my peers even convict me for something like this?

Anyway, instead of suffering needlessly through the unrelenting angst of the
religious home invasion, that we have all had to put up with,
it would be more like ...

"Are you finished with da sports section mon?"

"Why yes I"...

and before you could finish your sentence, there, right before your very eyes, a gigantic spliff is being rolled on your coffee table.

"Honey do we have any Nachos?"

Yes this world would be a lot more laid back if the Rastas got a little more competitive with those other religions. But hey..
fffft..cough cough...maybe that is their...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
little secret weapon....fffft...

"Hey guys, how many other..cough....fffft.... cough... how many other homes do you have to visit today?"

"You're it Mon....
hee hee hee HA HA HA HA HA hee hee hee HA HA HA HA hee hee hee!"

"Alriiighty then...ffft...Honey!...
Can you order a couple of pizzas?"

Is there a MEAN or a
MIDDLE anything in the
Middle East or
are there just extremes?

Population:

EGYPT 71 M
TURKEY 67 M
IRAN 66 M

SAUDI ARABIA 24 M
IRAQ 23 M
YEMEN 19 M
SYRIA 17 M

ISRAEL 6.6 M
JORDAN 5.8 M
LEBANON 4.3 M
WEST BANK/
GAZA 3.3 M
UNITED ARAB
EMIRATES 3.5 M
OMAN 2.6 M
KUWAIT 2.3 M

BAHRAIN 670,000
QATAR 618,000

OIL RESERVES
(IN BILLIONS OF BARRELS)

SAUDI ARABIA 261.8
IRAQ 112.5
U.A.E. 97.8
KUWAIT 96.5
IRAN 89.7

QATAR 15.2
OMAN 5.5
YEMEN 4
EGYPT 2.9
SYRIA 2.5

TURKEY .3
BAHRAIN .1
ISRAEL 0
JORDAN 0
LEBANON 0
W.B./GAZA 0

ARMED FORCES
(INCLUDING RESERVES)

IRAQ *had 1 MILLION ????
TURKEY 893,000
IRAN 863,000
EGYPT 697,000
SYRIA 675,000
ISRAEL 588,000

SAUDI ARABIA 200,000
JORDAN 135,000
YEMEN 94,000
LEBANON 72,000
UAE 65,000
OMAN 43,000

KUWAIT 15,000
QATAR 12,000
BAHRAIN 11,000
WEST BANK/GAZA 000's?


NUCLEAR WEAPONS
ISRAEL YES

All of the others Nil (as far as we know)

Since the Ottoman Empire was dismantled after WW1 and Israel declared independence in 1948,
292 Million Muslims,
12 Million Christians and
6.6 Million Jews share this little piece of the Earth which just so happens to contain 65% of the known Petroleum reserves. These reserves are estimated to last for another 80 years.

WILL THE MIDDLE EAST STILL EXIST IN 80 YEARS?

A Fall In Summer




I'm instantly agnostic,
each time I watch the news.
Six billion people living with,
Twelve billion different views.

There has to be a reason,
to explain our bad behavior.
But asking why is treason,
if I exclude your saviour.

You talk about the next world,
and it makes me wonder why.
Heaven may be the place to see,
but I still don't want to die.

You may say that I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
Imagining a cooler way,
to spin around the Sun.

One day when this is over,
and we join the dinosaur,
I'll bet whoever started this,
won't try it anymore.

Friday Pick Of The Litter!

I cannot stop laughing about Ceiling Cat!

I sit in humble awe at the prodigious fine work of mj at infomaniac.
Do yourself (ha ha) a favor and check out the Wankerfest post:Tuesday, July 18 .
I've got nuthin' cause I am still laughing at this stupid Ceiling Cat......so go on, get out of here...Ceiling Cat...hahahahahaha

STEROID OLYMPICS!



To my knowledge there is no greater spectacle for celebrating complete and utter contempt for our species than the Olympics*.
(Any word associated with the Olympics* is of course a registered name brand!

No person on the planet or in the entire universe can utter the word Olympics* or any related activity* without the expressed written consent of the Olympic* Committee*).
First of all it is simply an excessive PR battle of nations that wastes hundreds of millions of dollars in the flashiest display of one-upmanship on the planet.

On the one hand it is a time out from armed confrontation (good) but instead of feeding and educating their respective populations participating countries waste millions to see how far one of their citizens can jump*?
They should disregard nationalities and make it a truly global and pure competition* between individuals. Forget the medal* count of each country just celebrate the outstanding accomplishment of each athlete* as an individual!

When I think of the Olympics*, I think of the Committee* members who live like F*cking Kings and the athletes* who scrounge and scrimp for four years just to get there.

Some of the sexier events* have
millionaire celebrithetes* who arrive with an entourage of agents*, trainers*, psychologists* and chefs*.
Is it fair that these celebrithetes* compete against impoverished unknowns from some arcane unpronouncable country where they have lived hand to mouth for the last four years?

Why don't they let Guiness World Records just take over the whole thing anyway?

In an effort to find extra income the Olympic* Committee* is celebrating the spirit of Higher*, Faster*, Stronger* by recognising a myriad of new sports*..er activities?...or hobby?..whatever, the new things are ...Bridge*? Billiards*? Motorcycle Racing*? Air Sports*? Dance Sport*? Bowling*? Golf*?
What the hell is that?
Soon they will have medals* for Pancake Eating,
Moustache Growing, Tallest Woman, and Longest Fingernails!


Even if you fail to recognise that Sports* is simply a form of entertainment* one has to wonder if the tall foreheads who manage the Olympic* Committee* have completely lost touch with reality.
There is a difference between a SPORT* and a GAME* isn't there?


There is a little demographic shifting in play here. As the masterminds of the Olympics* physically age they are beginning to pooh-pooh the events* that they cannot personally participate in (not that they ever could) such as Weightlifting*, Sprinting* and Highjumping*.

These old school 'boring as hell' Sports* have given way to Games* like Golf*, Curling* and Bridge*! BRIDGE*!?
Alright it is called the Olympic* Games* but COME ON!


There is a very good chance that some other Committee* (which I am forming)will develop the
ALL-Steroid* Olympics* which will put these bastards out of their misery.

My Committee* will build a permanent facility in Las Vegas and eliminate all of the graft and lobbying that the career Olympic* Committee* members have come to expect and enjoy.
Every country on the planet could save the billions of dollars that are currently being wasted on lobbying those fatcat committee* members* and redirect these funds to me and my friends or simply funnel them back to the build up of Military Weapons.

Regardless, the prospect of watching athletes* spontaneously combust from all of the chemicals igniting in their bodies during an All-Steroid event* would be irresistable for most people.

If sprinters* could 'jack up' and inject rocket fuel based steroids right in the starting blocks* we could find out once and for all how f*cking fast a human body can really move!

There may have to be eight ambulances (or hearses) waiting at the finish line* to deal with the exploding aortas but by golly people would eat it up.
How much higher*, faster*, and stronger* would television ratings* be if they did that every four years?

There will be no Pussyfootin' around today.
I order, suggest, beg, or demand (you decide) you to slog, enjoy, peruse, or fumble about through the tedious, astonishing, informative, or mind numbing history lesson below ! Go on...

What is Your HUMOR Style?

My favorite zine is Psychology Today. I am fascinated at how evolution has molded us homo escapeons into such bizarre creatures. Trapped in a nonsensical world we have developed gigantic brains (although we apparently only use 10% of the available space on our hard drive ) with a sense of humor that no other creatures seem to have.

Psychologytoday.com
This month the power of humor is examined. One of the featured articles, Rod Martin's Humor Styles Questionnaire, describes the prevailing styles.

1. PUT-DOWN HUMOR
This is an aggressive style that is used to manipulate and criticize through teasing and ridicule. They cite Ann Coulter as an example. The just kidding defense is used to assuage confrontation but apparently this type can take a toll on relationships. I scored very high in this category (no really?) but apparently it does not mean that I am any less well adjusted.

2. BONDING HUMOR
Witty banter, fun to be around and mood lightening people like Ellen DeGeneres. The we're all alike and in this together and we all find the same things funny style is universally attractive. The dark side is a feeling of inclusion and that means that somebody is on the outs. I scored high in this one as well so nyeh!.

3. HATE-ME HUMOR
Being the butt of the joke for the amusement of others. The dark side is that it erodes self respect and can lead to deppression which has ironically taken the lives of so many comedians like Chris Farley. Self loathing can make others uneasy in large doses but a little at a time can get you invited to a lot of social gatherings. I scored very high here too sigh....

4. LAUGHING AT LIFE HUMOR
The current King of this type of humor is Dave Barry.
Someone who doesn't take themselves too serious. These types make you step back and laugh at the absurdities of life. This is a healthy self enhancing type. Martin suggests that this type of humor doesn't require other people to entertain because you can make yourself laugh and enjoy life. My score: High, honest.

I guess that you can have a combo sense of humor and once again trying to package human behavior into a nice little package all tied up with a bow proves to be impossible. Obviously professional comedians need a style to be branded and established but I am talking about us everyday garden variety people.

Like most of you lot I do make an effort to find something funny about most things. Some days I try to soften the sting of horrible circumstances with humor and others I want to f*cking scream.
Perhaps that is why so many of you are having a hard time pigeon-holing me. One day I am going on and on about evolution or religion, the next day sex, next day politics. I also leave mushy comments that are emotionally charged and I drop flippant remarks that may cause some consternation. Whatever.

I am just like you.
We humans are all very complex and our ever changing moods reflect this.

Oh sure I come across as a Liberal Agnostic Smartass on most issues but I desperately adore connecting with the Bonding style humor as much as the other three types.
I am still a newbie blogger so perhaps I will eventually settle into a more permanent rut, I mean style. Hey I haven't written anything for 20 years so give me a break!

What I have noticed on my blog roll is that I am attracted to the brainiac bantering of the smart n' snarky set and for balance I temper this predilection by visiting all of the gentle peaceful poets and the artsy esoteric searchers. I love playing devil's advocate and yet I race to bolster the rights of the underdog even if they are absolutely 100% wrong. Overall I try to have fun because Life is short and other people are what make it interesting and worth living.

I READ THE NEWS TODAY OH BOY!


Whenever I try to understand the strife in the Middle East I hear this song.

Blood On The Rooftops
by GENESIS
Wind and Wuthering

Dark and grey, an English film, the Wednesday Play
We always watch the Queen on Christmas Day
Won't you stay?
Though your eyes see shipwrecked sailors you're still dry
The outlook's fine though Wales might have some rain
Saved again.

Let's skip the news boy (I'll make some tea)
The Arabs and the Jews boy
(too much for me)
They get me confused boy (puts me off to sleep)
And the thing I hate - Oh Lord!
Is staying up late, to watch some debate, on some nation's fate.

Hypnotised by Batman, Tarzan, still surprised!
You've won the West in time to be our guest
Name your prize!
Drop of wine, a glass of beer dear what's the time?
The grime on the Tyne is mine all mine all mine
Five past nine.

Blood on the rooftops - Venice in the Spring
Streets of San Francisco -a word from Peking
The trouble was started - by a young Errol Flynn
Better in my day - Oh Lord!
For when we got bored,
we'd have a world war,
happy but poor

So let's skip the news boy (I'll go make that tea)
Blood on the rooftops (too much for me)
When old Mother Goose stops - they're out for 23
Then the rain at Lords stopped play
Seems Helen of Troy has found a new face again.

Man Eating Shark

Blue water,
white death.

First dive,
last breath.

Grey steel,
black eye.

Men fish,
sharks die.

Myths live,
bowls fill.

C'est le fin,
spoons kill.



In the last twenty years 75% of the Great White Shark population has been eradicated by mankind. Remarkably, Great Whites release their grip and swim away from most of the 8 humans that they mistakenly attack every year.

In Asia prestige seekers devour $200 a bowl shark fin soup irresponsibly believing that it contains magical powers.
This is happening at the expense of an estimated 100 million sharks slaughtered at sea every year.
Most of these sharks are cruelly de-finned while they are still alive, tossed overboard back into the sea to spiral and drown in the abyss below.

PSYHCLISTS

They weave and they wobble,
they teeter, they doddle,
they are cyclists out on parade.
In their bright shiny costumes,
inhaling exhaust fumes,
an uneasy truce, a charade.

I am not covered in scars,
safely ensconced in my car,
how they love being seen as contrarian.
You're not saving the planet,
stay out of traffic gawdammit,
you're lucky I'm not octogenarian.

Like a bipedal sponge,
that absorbs vapor grunge,
must we share roads with these treehuggers?
Scrubbing more C O 2,
than the space shuttles do,
watch out for those goofy buggers.

Though the air they may filter,
they keep traffic off kilter,
and ignore basic self preservation.
They are so frickin slow,
fueling road rage, they blow,
where in hell is that natural selection?

Politically correct?,
no I'm madder than heck,
as you finally fade from my view.
Get your ass into gear,
OH CRAP there goes my mirror,
I'd stop but I'm late 'cause of you!

Legalise Love

I have noticed lately that there are a number of you bloggers who are poets.
I love poetry but for some reason I can only remember one poem.
I know that is pathetic.
Oh sure I can remember snippets of a few poems but for some reason my brain cannot retain poetry.
I can find no rhyme or reason for this defect.

This week I shall attempt writing some poetry of my own but until then I present for your enjoyment the only poem that I can remember in it's entirety.
It is a lovely piece about lawyers and love.
I hope you like it!

She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long,
it was honor and offer!

OFF TO THE BEACH!

Believe it or not, one hour away from Whateverpeg lay three kilometres of some the finest white sand beaches in the world!
Welcome to Grand Beach.


I know that a lot of foreigners think that this is the land of ice and snow. Even some Americans living right next to us in Minnesota and North Dakota imagine that we live in igloos and eat whale blubber. HUH?!
We have Fantastic Summers!

In fact Grand Beach was once voted by no less than Playboy Magazine
as one of the top ten beaches
in the world!

On hot summer weekends 20,000 people can swarm the place to soak up rays and cool off in Lake Winnipeg, the 11th largest lake in the world.

As a Prairie Boy I was fascinated with the ocean and the terrors that lay beneath the surface. In my mind the ocean or any body of water larger than the bathtub was crammed with killer fish waiting to eat people. Actually I have managed to swim in both the Caribbean Sea and the Pacific Ocean without being eaten.

Isn't this crazy?
Actually I will be chillaxin', reading my Psychology Today, and splashing away the hours with my youngest replicant and goodladywife....with one nervous eye scanning the horizon.....theme from jaws..da da da...

Yes the forecast is excellent
(32ishC/high80sF)
and there hasn't been a shark swimming here for millions of years.

I AM THINKING ABOUT
growing as a person, atleast until I am 6'6"

I SAID
that its better to feel more vagina than angina


I WANT
my wife and kids to know how much I love them

I MISS
my nagging optimism

I WISH
that I spoke 20 languages,
had more patience, and was a snappy dresser



AND WITH EACH WISH
forget it..I'd just waste them or
forget what I just wished for

I HEAR
dead people

I WONDER
why I've never seen the Ann Margaret
movie that I was an extra in?

I REGRET
not being a BEATLE

I AM
quite positive about the validity
of the theory of evolution

I DANCE
whenever I hear Gettin' Jiggy With It

I SING
lyrics that are decidely different from the originals
even after being corrected

I CRY
uncontrollably during sad movie scenes & schmaltzy commercials

I MAKE MY HANDS
full of cuts and blisters from constructing things the hard way

I WRITE
authentic bewildering nonsense for 2 hours every day







I CONFUSE
people who think that I am vapid

I NEED
to get my eyebrows plucked, lose 20 lbs and
get a bit part with some killer lines in a feature film!




I SHOULD
live to be 100, just to freak everybody out

I START each day by being startled from hearing birds singing










I FINISH
each day by reading other blogs, wondering why LIFE has to be so complex, and trying to figure out why I can remember tons of useless trivia, historical data, scientific information, thousands of songs and movies, and not have a frickin' clue where my keys are?

abedeeabedee a that's all folks..you're it!

DOGGINIT & BLOGGINIT,

People have done some weird things with photos of dogs on the internet!
Any captions come to mind????

A. Payback! You ain't so bad without all of your buddies around are ya beotch?











B. Weapon of Last Resort; when all else fails.











C. The watchdog....just plain creepy.











Any smartass ideas?