Just once, I would like to answer the doorbell on a Saturday morning and find two Rastafarians giggling on my doorstep.
What a relief from those tedious, ashen faced, End-Timers nervously teetering on worn out heels, or those fresh faced, decaffinated, 18 year olds who introduce themselves as Elders...
Elders, my pajamas are older than you guys!
Instead of yelling,
"Honey, could you be a dear and run upstairs and get that shoebox in the back of our closet and bring it down..
the one behind the photo albums..
and for gawd sake don't drop it!"
I would smile and say,
"Good Day Gentlemen, won't you please come in."
What a breath of fresh air..er...no...
what a welcome relief from listening to a ten minute sermon on
how terrible HELL is going to be
for me, my family, and everyone that I know.
Especially when this is all happening before I've even finished
my first cup of Good Mornin' America.
For one thing, there is no way that these guys would be waking you up at 9am.
We are talkin' the crack of noon.
Instead of me feeling imprisoned by guilt and politely standing there listening to the ridiculous fire insurance McSpeech about the few spots left in Heaven and wondering to myself whether 15 years in prison is worth the few seconds of joy that I am about to experience when my trigger finger stops twiching.
Hmm.... would a jury of my peers even convict me for something like this?
Anyway, instead of suffering needlessly through the unrelenting angst of the
religious home invasion, that we have all had to put up with,
it would be more like ...
"Are you finished with da sports section mon?"
"Why yes I"...
and before you could finish your sentence, there, right before your very eyes, a gigantic spliff is being rolled on your coffee table.
"Honey do we have any Nachos?"
Yes this world would be a lot more laid back if the Rastas got a little more competitive with those other religions. But hey..
fffft..cough cough...maybe that is their...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
little secret weapon....fffft...
"Hey guys, how many other..cough....fffft.... cough... how many other homes do you have to visit today?"
"You're it Mon....
hee hee hee HA HA HA HA HA hee hee hee HA HA HA HA hee hee hee!"
"Alriiighty then...ffft...Honey!...
Can you order a couple of pizzas?"
Fi real. Nuff respect bredren. One love. Peace out. N’ah mean? Mi soon come back. Truss meh. Zeen?
ReplyDeleteAwesome post Donn! Since I've moved to the land of God, I haven't had to practise tolerance towards these people. I think they've given up trying in "the belt".
ReplyDeleteI think the idea of Rastas at the door is great. Instead of "ding dong" at the door...how about "ding BONG".
aidan,
ReplyDeleteYeah, I didn't know that he was lost too?
I think that your "separated at birth" analogy is a bucking frilliant.
I don't get many prostitutes..I mean proselytizers at my door anymore. I think that years and years of my 'gentle rebuking' has finally paid off.
mj,
You go girl! You are completely fluent fi real with jah good vibrations yea-ah..
Everybody sing...
"One world...One Love...
Let's get together and feeeel alright."
brian,
Ding BONG,
Ya mon.
Time to get,
your grinnin on!
You do such great posts.
ReplyDeleteLoved this one!
Rastas at my door would be great!a welcome change to the religious
nuts that want to save me from
the fiery perils of Hell.
Bring on the giggling Rastafarians!
Can you order a couple of pizzas?"
ReplyDeletetoo many Qns huh ?
lolz!!
Hahaha..
ReplyDelete*sings* "One love..."
It would be a welcome change.
Good BOB, that was halarious! Or how about Unitarians......."Hi, neighbor, we just wanted to say you got it right, whatever it is you got, and have a nice day!"
ReplyDeleteOr, act perfectly DEVINE and ask them what in the HELL are they doing at 3802 Oak Street and not at 3702 Oak Street as you commanded in Scriptures........what scriptures? Honey, run get my commandments and show these dweebs where they are supposed to be! Jesus Christ! It's so fucking hard to get good help these days.........."
And besides, why can't we reserved our place in heaven via the internet? Hell, I can pay my bills online, why can't I enter my credit card number and be assured eternal life on my Mac?
Bob is SO laughing at all this.........he thinks of Rasta's as one of his best mistakes........
We don't get many of those types at our door anymore. We do have one of those "no solicitors" signs on the door. Could that be it?
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I doubt you would get anything more than a slap on the wrist for shooting one of them.
I'm surprised no one has done something to them yet.
O HE ... U R such a trip! LOL
ReplyDeletesamuru999,
ReplyDeleteYou would probably have so much fun that they would end up staying all weekend!
white forest,
I am sure that there would be plenty of questions ....like what toppings would we get on our pizzas. That would probably take a couple of hours to decide.
christine,
everybody,
one love
let's get together and feeel alriiight.
the Michael,
This is Lotta Hitchmanova from the Unitarian Service Committee..66 Sparx Street, Ottawa...I remember those ads.
Bob is.....?
There are certainly many people throughout history who purchased indulgences from the Vatican to ensure that their seat was reserved. You would think that a cash cow like that would still be available.
anonymous octopus,
I am just kidding of course it is a free country and you are allowed to make a nuisance of yourself if you so choose....but my front porch is off limits to everyone trying to sell me anything, anytime.
I certainly wouldn't need Johnny Cochrane to defend me if I ever did go postal on a proselytizer.
don,
Trip....I get it mon!
I love your home-made photoshop technique...what's it called, cut and paste? Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteYour pajamas are likely older than Jesus Christ, forget the 18-year-olds...
What's a spliff?
I'm wit ja, man.
i am offended! writing about pajamas so publically.
ReplyDeleteand if they do land up, do send them to my address too...
i need the change..am sick of being with one hand...
and send the pizzas, coffee etc etc too.
ReplyDeletewithin reason,without a clue,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words regarding my limited technical prowess. I thought that it added a little edgy feeling to the piece.HA.
If you don't know what a spliff is then I don't believe that you were alive in the 60s and 70s. Joint HELLO!
Anyway,my pajamas are not that old and I am worried that you were so fixated on that incredibly minor detail.
gautami,
I will gladly send all of my unexpected guests your way.
I will make sure to send all of the snacks for the munchies.
Hope that your arm is better soon...you must be going crazy?
Hmmm...kinda like that, within reason, without a clue...
ReplyDeleteNo, you sensitive, whiny artiste type, the cut and paste MADE the whole post!
It had me laughing from the start!!!
Spliff: You KNOW how culturally challenged I am. In my neck of the woods, we called it a joint.
I think you should do a poll to find out how many visitors to your blog knew what a spliff was?
Or, for that matter, can guess how old your pajamas really are.
lol @bucking frilliant!
ReplyDeleteWe have some ppl here too, knocking on our doors and asking 'Have you found God?'...I'm like 'Why was He playing holy Hide n Seek?'...anyways, I get so bugged by such ppl, I just say Im not interested. To which they pretend not to hear and throw another 'D u want ur life to have some light' kinda question. Not that Thomas Alva Edison is alive to visit me but they really bore me and I just shut the door.
Keshi.
withidiot,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I had no idea that kids in St. Bonerface led such sheltered lives.
I took a survey while you were in the kitchen and apparently you were the only one who wasn't HIP to the splifferooni thingamabob.
keshi,
Do you shut the door while they are still talking?
If Thomas Alva Edison (very formal) did show up at your door would you please phone me.
These pests are the original
hell-emarketers. How tedious!
i am so distracted by your pyjamas bit. on another note, might your pillows be feather-filled?
ReplyDeleteYou don't know BOB? I see, it's obvious you missed that post way back. Go to the archives, young man, and ye shall know the truth, and it will set you free (tax and shipping not included).
ReplyDeleteyep on their face or else they'll come in and sit for dinner.
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
Fffffft! Jeezus! W.P.O.D! Anybody seen that pecan ring? SShff--fff--ffft!
ReplyDeletelol - you're killing me here. Why
not invite your impromptu, bow-tied
guests in to make their case. But
first, inform them that you can only receive their benedictions when you're in the moment. Offer them a free makeover?
I want to opdent the door to some rastafarians...
ReplyDeleteye mon, ye smoke some heaven...
So religion and coffee make good bed partners... :p
Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa! We are both in a Rastafarian frame of mind! My little thing is up, inspired by you my friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I would SO prefer one of them calling at my door than a Jehovas Witness (and I ran into yet another one the other day! Methinks the are invading the planet!)... *sig* a Bohemian can only dream!
I am coughing and laughing my butt off, and I haven't even been visited by the boys in dregs yet!
ReplyDeleteYou are too real and oh my goodness I need this laughter this morning. When children like these, young clean face youth, enter my abode, I lock my dead bolt, and watch as their eyes get seriously large. I do the same thing with the Seven Day Adventist.
When I do let them go, an hour later, based on how badly I need amusement, they leave running.
Hummmm ... come to think of it, I haven't had one drop by since I kept the others for over an hour last year. Maybe my place has been outlawed.
Oh well, and here's hoping you have a good day!
mistipurple,
ReplyDeleteYes they are..they are filled with ruffled feathers.
the Michael,
I shall seek Bob and it shall set me free from boredom.
keshi,
Wow! What did you have for dinner last night?
grumbloindexter,
If I was in the moment I would do a lot more than throw out their case. I would move directly to sentencing and give in to the primal urge to assert my will upon others.
Especially others who don't do their homework.
ghostparts,
Rasta go wit everyting mon!
miz bohemia,
What a strange and lovely world it would be if we only had to deal with these gentlemen. The whole world would just slow down and take a deep breath .....
and hold it.
liquidplastic,
I bet that you could inflict some serious psychological messin' inside their heads.
After you were through with them, they might even promise to never bug another person again.
I think that I made it to that list too. YIPPEE!
haha rice, chicken and salad..desert - JWs ;-)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
I'm going to post a new "no solicitors" sign, which reads:
ReplyDelete"No Solicitors, including but not limited to:
-Jesus Freaks
-Vacuum Cleaner Salesmen
-Demented Fuckwits"
**Encyclopaedia Brittanica Allowed, and I'll include a cup of coffee!**
keshi,
ReplyDeleteI prefer something a lot SWEETER for dessert.
shelley,
Encyclo Brit, do they still go door to door?
I guess there are still lots of people who don't google info.
I believe that most Hell-emarketers ignore the no soliciting signs so you may need to chain a few Veloci'raptors' to the front stoop to ward them off.
JWs used to visit me regularly at my last place of residence, but none of have come here yet (and I've been living here for three years). I feel a little left out.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post, by the way. I thoroughly enjoy your humour.
haha!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.