Thursday, July 27, 2006


news flash...this just in...


According to the National Geographic
the chances of
DYING are 100%!


Thats right, the TOTAL ODDS of you dying by any cause are an astounding
1 in 1!

Some of the following stats are from the National Safety Council (who are obviously not doing a very good job if this list is any indicator!) and apply specifically to residents of the U. S. of A.
Canada does not have all of those
G U N DEATHS!

Anyway, statistically speaking you and I will probably succumb to one or more of the following damnit:

a) Shark Attack while trying to get back into a Helicopter 1 in 3
b) Heart Disease 1 in 5
c) Cancer 1 in 7
d) Stroke 1 in 24
e) Motor Vehicle accident 1 in 84


f) Suicide 1 in 119
g) Falling 1 in 218
h) Gun Assault 1 in 314
i) Pedestrian accident 1 in 626
j) Drowning 1 in 1,008


k) Motorcycle accident 1 in 1,020
l) Fire/Smoke 1 in 1,113
m) Bicycling 1 in 4,919
n) Air/Space Travel 1 in 5,051
o) Accidental Gun Discharge 1 in 5,134


p) Electrocution (accidental) 1 in 9,968
q) Alcohol Poisoning 1 in 10,048
r) Hot Weather 1 in 13,729
s) Hornet/Wasp/Bee Sting 1 in 56,789
t) Legal Execution 1 in 62,468


u) Lightning 1 in 79,746
v) Flood 1 in 144,156
w) Fireworks discharge 1 in 340,733
x) Crushed by Adoring Fans during Final Farewell Concert Tour 1 in 478,641
y) Guilt from the Devil 1 in 666,666
z) Shark Attack (w/o Helicopter) 1 in 8,000,000

I am almost guaranteed either heart disease (thanks DNA) or Shark Attack while trying to get back into a helicopter. Although it is summer so alcohol poisoning and hot weather are always a real threat.
How will you be exiting?????

30 comments:

  1. One would think the odds of a motorcycle accident would be cut dramatically if one didin't rid a motorcycle, so I think I'm safe there.

    p) Electrocution (accidental) 1 in 9,968
    I like the "accidental" in brackets there.

    I'd like to go out by the x option. Go out on top.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Had a bit of time on your hands again today, huh?

    Fascinating, as stats (even ones that are tampered with) always are.

    If I'm not the 1 in 666,666 to die of guilt laid on me by the devil, I figure I'll either:

    1. Burst my aorta over my son again doing exactly everything I tell him not to;

    2. Suffer an aneurysm trying to post photos to my blog;

    3. Die laughing when Dubya somehow manages to get impeached or becomes the U.S. ambassador to Saudi Arabia.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The odds are better of getting juiced in the electric chair than out on the putting green? DAMN!

    I'm going to die of emphasema, if a landshark, SUV, baptist terrorist, or hurricane doesn't get me first.

    I think it has something to do with those cigarettes I've been smoking since I was twelve. Whoda thunk?

    ReplyDelete
  4. HE...you are too much. Where do you get this stuff? In your own way, you call attention to subtle truths all of us should think about. Blessings

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't believe in death, I believe in passing out of the body --- in such a case I would like to do it in my sleep while I am having a good dream --- !

    I really do enjoy your blog --- it wild and real!

    ReplyDelete
  6. anonymous jogger,
    The accidental electrocution is to separate it from the INTENTIONAL legal electrocution which is quite prevalent in Texas.

    within reach,
    #1 is just your karma working its magic revenge on you
    #2 is absolutely possible and I hear ya
    #3 is a phenomenon that I would label under the faint hope clause

    good luck.

    the Michael,
    OOOH Land Shark! Loved that bit.
    Hurricane would not be pretty, stay safe amigo and yes damn those nic sticks. If you figure that out let me know.

    don,
    Well donald it certainly is something that most of us avoid discussing unless we are trapped in the actuarial bullpen at a life insurance corporation.
    In which case we have to beef up the house odds so that we can make money on the great unwashed by estimating the roll of the cosmic dice. Which is freakishly consistent!

    liquidplastic,
    Great outlook. Hopefully it will be like a great dream. I am personally opposed to a violent painful demise and therefore I fully intend to exit stage left as the curtains fall and I can still hear the thunderous standing ovation.

    ReplyDelete
  7. **Suicide 1 in 119

    whoaaa!


    **How will you be exiting?????

    Most likely from some accident cos I have a nic used by my family and it's 'Miss Accident'. But if I had to choose it would be gun shot to the head ofcourse.

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  8. lol u still dizzy? well u havent answered the most imp Qn in that post...read 2nd half of post :)

    tnnxxx!
    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You do come up with some very
    interesting stuff.
    I might die from all this heat we
    are having this summer in CO.

    ReplyDelete
  10. keshi,
    suicide?! You will have to move to the states to fulfill your dream of receiving a GSW.
    Whats wrong with old age?
    part 2.
    Look at my picture..yet another shark...go back and read my answer keshiroo.

    samuru999,
    Your nom de blog must have some secret DaVinci like code to it...same here we have been sweltering this summer.

    You can always catch a Rocky Mountain High to coool off a bit can't you? We run off to the beach (believe it or not) or cocoon in the AC.
    As I get older I find that I prefer spring and fall to the extremes of winter and summer..

    ReplyDelete
  11. this is crazy!!!!!!!
    and is that snap real or made up????????

    ReplyDelete
  12. ekta,

    The low frequency vibrations emitted by the swirling rotors of a chopper do attract sharks, something to think about when you are getting rescued.

    HOWEVER...That pic is a phoney..unless that shark is a charcaradon megalodon which was the ancestor of the modern Great White.
    Megalodons grew to be the size of modern day whales and would be quite a concern for divers and surfers were they still in existence.

    The rest of this post is true...well most of it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That is amazing!! Chance of dying 100%?? Goodness gracious! Can't we insure against that? What the hey?

    /grin

    ReplyDelete
  14. shelley,
    You can! But it is very expensive to freeze dry and warehouse your head. A lesson not lost on members of the National Baseball League.

    andrea,
    Thats the spirit.
    Go out on top!
    Always leave 'em wanting more!

    ReplyDelete
  15. yeah can always cool off a bit
    with a Rocky Mountain High!
    It is going to be another
    torcher here today!

    ReplyDelete
  16. grumblant12:29 PM

    A pattern emerges, as both statistics and credulity are strained;-) I noticed that two
    other (statistically insignificant?
    I think not!) causes were omitted
    from this gruesome catalog:

    n) people crushed by helicopters
    while fending off shark attacks.

    n+1) the random schitt that just happens

    And you're being just a tad harsh
    on Texans. The state itself would
    never have achieved the prominence and reputation that it has, without
    a ceaseless curiousity about crossing the white wire with the black. Electrocution only affects those who haven't kept up on their
    elecution, or been whisked away by election. Besides, nobody there has
    ever complained about being juiced,
    after the fact- so, it can't be that big a deal, right? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  17. samuru999,
    ..couldn't get much higher!

    Grumblestilskin,
    HA HA HA you are one funny goyem!
    You always see the bright side of everything.
    Texans certainly love to have their wires crossed LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  18. K La-Di-FRICKIN-Da2:18 PM

    Pater,

    Why do the odds of shark death increase so much when the helicopter is involved?

    What are the odds of Death by Chocolate? That's how I'd like to go.

    Wanna go see Miami Vice next week?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Donn, you kill me ! XXXX

    ReplyDelete
  20. H.E. - I love the idea of freeze-drying my head for posterity...

    ...that seems like an odd turn of phrase...head...posterity....

    /anyhoo!

    But after recent events with my Honda, I feel pretty sure that I will go out by Giant Wasp Attack!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. What odds will you give me being run over by a liquor truck driven by the pope?

    Thats always been the dream death

    ReplyDelete
  22. k la di frickin da,
    Hi sweetie,
    The low vibrations of the rotors attract sharks and they love a challenge. I guess death by chocolate would fall under suicide?
    Yes to Miami Vice.

    cherrypie,
    My dear cherry how I have missed your eloquent remarks.
    I should think that you will live to be 121 and beat the record book because you will have the grim reaper in stitches every time that he comes to collect you.

    shelley,
    OUCH! That would be nasty way to go. I am not exactly sure of the reason but we seem to have about 9 billion extra wasps buzzing about this summer.

    I suspect that your wasps are planning a retaliation attack
    (a sting operation..sorry) as we speak. Wear lots of padding!

    aidan,
    Some of the less purient Popes from Antiquity could have easily fulfilled your dream death.

    Alas the new guy is much too serious and unlikely to 'go for it',cut loose with jose cuervo and steal a liquor truck after a night out on the town with the Swiss Guards.
    I am afraid that you will have to spin the wheel again mate.

    ReplyDelete
  23. i like it! always been fascinated by death...now i know i am guaranteed to die! i feel so happy! you made my day...

    it does not matter how i die as long as i do.....

    ReplyDelete
  24. gautami,
    Thats the spirit. I on the other hand am very fussy about my exit strategy. Swift, painless, and nobody else gets hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dunno. Don't really care.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sheesh! Death by chocolate for me, natch!!!

    Crazy pic. ; )

    Smooch,
    The Tart

    ReplyDelete
  27. dcver,
    I like your outlook. Even obsessing about it has little effect on the outcome. You are probably young enough to still ignore the twinges of curiosity that needle us in mid life.

    tart,
    I will see what I can do about fulfilling your reasonable demand.
    I wonder how many KitKats it would take?

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think I like the whole devil and guilt thang! Hmmm... do I get to kick him in the nuts? I don't think that would make me feel guilty though. I gotta think on it I tell you!

    ReplyDelete
  29. miz bohemia,

    The devil would be shakin' in his boots if you showed up.
    SHAKIN' I tell ya!
    I would not at all be surprised if you somehow managed to invent an altogether NEW way of exiting this world.

    Not to worry though, you have plenty of time to entertain and enlighten us.

    ReplyDelete

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