Thursday, July 20, 2006

STEROID OLYMPICS!



To my knowledge there is no greater spectacle for celebrating complete and utter contempt for our species than the Olympics*.
(Any word associated with the Olympics* is of course a registered name brand!

No person on the planet or in the entire universe can utter the word Olympics* or any related activity* without the expressed written consent of the Olympic* Committee*).
First of all it is simply an excessive PR battle of nations that wastes hundreds of millions of dollars in the flashiest display of one-upmanship on the planet.

On the one hand it is a time out from armed confrontation (good) but instead of feeding and educating their respective populations participating countries waste millions to see how far one of their citizens can jump*?
They should disregard nationalities and make it a truly global and pure competition* between individuals. Forget the medal* count of each country just celebrate the outstanding accomplishment of each athlete* as an individual!

When I think of the Olympics*, I think of the Committee* members who live like F*cking Kings and the athletes* who scrounge and scrimp for four years just to get there.

Some of the sexier events* have
millionaire celebrithetes* who arrive with an entourage of agents*, trainers*, psychologists* and chefs*.
Is it fair that these celebrithetes* compete against impoverished unknowns from some arcane unpronouncable country where they have lived hand to mouth for the last four years?

Why don't they let Guiness World Records just take over the whole thing anyway?

In an effort to find extra income the Olympic* Committee* is celebrating the spirit of Higher*, Faster*, Stronger* by recognising a myriad of new sports*..er activities?...or hobby?..whatever, the new things are ...Bridge*? Billiards*? Motorcycle Racing*? Air Sports*? Dance Sport*? Bowling*? Golf*?
What the hell is that?
Soon they will have medals* for Pancake Eating,
Moustache Growing, Tallest Woman, and Longest Fingernails!


Even if you fail to recognise that Sports* is simply a form of entertainment* one has to wonder if the tall foreheads who manage the Olympic* Committee* have completely lost touch with reality.
There is a difference between a SPORT* and a GAME* isn't there?


There is a little demographic shifting in play here. As the masterminds of the Olympics* physically age they are beginning to pooh-pooh the events* that they cannot personally participate in (not that they ever could) such as Weightlifting*, Sprinting* and Highjumping*.

These old school 'boring as hell' Sports* have given way to Games* like Golf*, Curling* and Bridge*! BRIDGE*!?
Alright it is called the Olympic* Games* but COME ON!


There is a very good chance that some other Committee* (which I am forming)will develop the
ALL-Steroid* Olympics* which will put these bastards out of their misery.

My Committee* will build a permanent facility in Las Vegas and eliminate all of the graft and lobbying that the career Olympic* Committee* members have come to expect and enjoy.
Every country on the planet could save the billions of dollars that are currently being wasted on lobbying those fatcat committee* members* and redirect these funds to me and my friends or simply funnel them back to the build up of Military Weapons.

Regardless, the prospect of watching athletes* spontaneously combust from all of the chemicals igniting in their bodies during an All-Steroid event* would be irresistable for most people.

If sprinters* could 'jack up' and inject rocket fuel based steroids right in the starting blocks* we could find out once and for all how f*cking fast a human body can really move!

There may have to be eight ambulances (or hearses) waiting at the finish line* to deal with the exploding aortas but by golly people would eat it up.
How much higher*, faster*, and stronger* would television ratings* be if they did that every four years?


14 comments:

  1. Did I mention that LONDON has been chosen for the 2012 Olympics?

    New events will include Upper Lip Stiffening, a Triathlon of Door-Opening,Coat-Taking and Chair Pulling for mixed couples ( the female being about as much use as the person on the back of a taboggan) and Synchronised Bowler Hat Wearing. How else are we ever going to get any medals?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally agree with your thoughts on the Olympics. Thank you for stating it. I wish it could make some diference, but know that it will not.

    ReplyDelete
  3. cherrypie,
    LOL!
    I have missed you so much that I have resorted to re-posting just to have you grace my comment section xx. Is that weird?

    mamaclem,
    You sound like a very intelligent person. However you are sorely mistaken if you cannot see that this is the start of a brave new world.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You forgot the international Dwarf toss, beer sculling and the who get their foot into the weirdest orifice competition.

    Its amazing the money we spend on togetherness and harmony. WE throw millions into a sporting event o pretend for a couple of weeks we all like each other. If this money was spent on education, healthcare, erradicating poverty and the things which are truly important the world would be a better place.

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  6. i will make stupid inane comments in order to avoid marking papers with you...

    bravo....


    i ain't interested in medals...


    ;;)(batting eyelids!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. aidan,
    You may say that I'm a dreammer,
    but I'm not the only one.
    I hope some day you'll join us,
    and the world will live as one.
    Imagine
    John Lennon
    Honestly I would like to see how fast, how high, how much the human body enhanced to the 10th power can really handle. As if athletes aren't doin' it now? sheeesh!

    comment deleted by author,
    DOH!
    It must have been a scathing rebuke...

    gautami,
    Nothing you say is inane my dear.
    What on earth must I do to get you to spend more time with me... 'marking papers' would have been very fun ;)
    (wink wink nudge nudge say no more)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I plan to move out of Vancouver before the 2010 Olympics. It's already getting ridiculous here.

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  9. So this guy, who can ski somewhat well half the time, tells everybody without blinking an eye, "If I'm sober enough, and those bumps and flags don't interfere with my zone, I'll win this event easily. Or I won't. Like I care......."

    LET's SEND THIS GUY TO THE OLYMPICS TO REPRESENT OUR COUNTRY.....YEA!!!!!!

    Have you noticed lately there is not ONE homely human on our ski teams lately? What happened at the trials......"Sorry, that's a 5 second penalty for BEING TO UGLY!" ?

    Oh, I forgot, these "athletes" aren't going to actually make a LIVING with these sports once they finish with the olympics, so they gotta look good enough to move on to comercials, television and movies.

    Let's get blogging into the Olympics. I'm dying to take on TIM in the downhill. I've been going downhill since I started this........

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oooh! A rant! I surely do love me those! Rant away amigo and please, whatever you do, breathe so you do not spontaneously combust! Word to the wise from a fellow ranter! *wink, wink*

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  11. Recycling is SO passe, especially when the Olympics aren't anywhere near being here...

    Although I like The Michael's twist and would wholeheartedly support Cherry Pie's new events.

    ReplyDelete
  12. grumble10:49 PM

    while we're exploring chemically-
    enhanced sporting events, might as
    well consider the combined effects
    of say, viagra and praxil. It would be the only race run in which contestants finish, wearing only one, slightly squishy brown sock. The middle distance races
    could be easily accommodated on a
    short track, by slipping hoods over
    runners heads and spinning them around a few times before taking their marks. Dubious athletic value, but perversely entertaining
    (at least, for NA audiences) TV
    audiences... all three or four of
    the viewers. Cheap, dead-of-night
    ad rates, too.

    ReplyDelete
  13. grumbloid10:59 PM

    Damn near forgot the Geoduck Hurl.
    Dunno if it's track and field or some kind of whacked-out indoor event. Might be like Curling,
    except live Geoducks are subjected
    to a quick slide across a greased
    flatiron, whereupon they are skinned in one graceful, unbroken
    movement. I don't want even a post
    card about this event!

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  14. mj,
    But what about the the new stairway to heaven skyway or sea to skyview thingamabob! Thats only costing about $60 billion.
    Money well spent even though half of the TransCanada Highway needs to be fixed.

    the Michael,
    LOL, my favorite is Saturday Night Live's Jim Breuer and his sendup of our downhill grass smokin phenom Ross Rebagliati who could really go for some Doritos man! He was hangin' out with the Jamaican Bobsled team.

    Miz Bohemia,
    When you gotta go you gotta GO!
    Deep breath....ah....thanks for droppin' by miz.

    within,
    Yes mr truck balls, baboon balls and farting posts.
    Sorry for lowering the bar in the blogosphere ..nyeh.

    grumbleeone,
    Ho ho struck a nerve. Yes go on.
    I am formally making you the master of ceremonies of the Steroid Olympics*! Enjoy your Timex!
    You have obviously invested some serious mental sweat equity into this venture so I am giving you half of the gate receipts.

    ReplyDelete

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