F F F FROZEN  G G G GHOST

Here in Whateverpeg it usually doesn't snow until Hallowe'en.

As many of you know, once the snow arrives I put out my Polar Bear Traps....

so that I can catch enough of them to make a sled team.

Last night I took my camera out to document the worrisome effects of global warming..HELLO!

When I went back in the hoose to review the shots, a chill ran up and down my spine..

and it wasn't ectoplasm filling my pants!

Check this out...
you can click the pic to biggify

Now I don't believe in ghosts, especially a frozen f*****n ghost..

oh, except for THIS Frōzen Ghōst,

which was one of my favorite Canadian Bands back in the 80s.

Do you believe in ghosts?

UNBEARABLE

If you live in this part of the world you must prepare to spend an inordinate amount of time looking out for frickin' BEARS!

Bears are badass MOFOs and whenever they get the chance Bears will try to eat you and your entire family.

Oh yes they will!

Bears will try to eat you even if you are minding your own business and trying to camp out in a tent during the Summer month of July.

Here in Manitoba, Black Bears spend three months (Spring, Summer & Fall) fattening up on wild berries, garbage, and human flesh, before hibernating throughout our excruciatingly tedious, soul-sucking, nine months of Winter.

Then the bloody Polar Bears start sneaking in your backyard.

If you can catch enough Polars and sneak some Percocet into their Baby Harp Seal Bear Food, which is very affordable, the Polars really mellow out and make fine sledbears.

Of course we don't have Grizzly Bears (here shown to scale) like they do in the Rockies oot in Western Canada.

Fortunately for us, Grizzlies are content eating Japanese Tourists and too bizzay makin' little Grizzlies to migrate over here.

Like us, Black Bears are omnivores, and they especially love to eat nuts.

I once had to play a Black Bear in a movie with Hannah Montana.

No really!

Bears. Mankind has competed with those hairy bastards for Millenia and I for one am sick and tired of it!

Bears..UGH... I hate 'em.

I can't wait until Poachers have killed all of them and sent the last Bear Gall Bladder to China so that those poor men can have boners.

Bears make our lives unbearable.

MAN EATING DEER!

I recently had the opportunity to peruse the hyperbolic pages of old American Hunting Magazines.

I became obssessed with a recurring segment known as This Happened To Me which are illustrated accounts of "Sporting Outdoorsmen" who survived being attacked by uppity wild animals.

I love the dramatic comic styling and the underlying implication that Hunting is a dangerous activity and only the manliest of men can participate.


Some of the attacks were apparently unprovoked. Thank goodness his buddy had a gun in his sleeping bag.

To be fair, even the most Disneyfied members of PETA would want to have a huge arsenal of firearms at their side if they met up with a Bear in the wild. ..

and who amongst us wouldn't expect huge multicellular "game", especially 1800 pound herbivores like Elk, to fight back against Hunters if they are provoked, wounded or having a bad day.

The most common "perp" was our ancient competitor the "other" omnivore, the Bear. Actually there is another omnivore the Boar, but they are related to bears anyway that's why the genders of both are called Boars and Sows but I'm getting sidetracked.


Imagine the audacity of a lowly dumb animal eatin' Human Men!

We've been going at each other for hundreds of thousands of years.



You'd expect a 1,000 pound Bear to eat whatever it wants right?

Being attacked by a Cougar isn't surprising either...

or a poisonous Snake.

How many of you realised that big brown eyed Bambi can attack people! Well they can, especially during the mating season when the Bucks are so horny that they lose their minds...

actually they aren't horny they have antlers but the distinction might be lost on you if you were being impaled :)

Have you ever imagined being attacked by an ill tempered Badger? Sure why not?

Hippo? Absolutely Hippos kill more humans in Africa than any other animal..except Mosquitos.

How about getting rammed by a Dolphin?

Rabid Otter?

Feral dogs? Under the right circumstances even the lazy-ass family pet can revert to a savage wolf-like monster and hunt people. This hunter became the hunted and was forced to take-0ut killer hounds that have tasted blood when a pack treed him.

The best (worst) story was the too scary to even contemplate. I can't imagine how terrified this guy was when he and his three Beagles were attacked by a black hare. Shades of Monty Python's Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog in the Holy Grail.

Have a lash at this action-packed heart-stopping imagery!



Instead of "scaring the pants off him", it scared the shirt off him...I said shirt by the way. They did a fantastic job of creating the illusion that shooting wascally wabbits is not for wussies. HA!

LYIN' AROUND BEARLY PROTECTED!

Last night I had a viewing of LION & BEAR Feeding Frenzy SHOWS hosted by Chris Douglas on the Discovery Channel.














He sat in a plexiglass "predator shield" to watch Lions, Grizzly and Black Bears up close and personal. You can see more by clicking HERE & HERE .

It's actually pretty cool although at one point Chris realised (as I am sure most viewers did) that an 800 pound Griz could have easily popped that sucker open if it really wanted to. In both instances the Lions and the Bears gladly tore apart mannequins placed outside of his Predator Shield.

Some day I would love to travel to South Africa, California, or Australia, and see Great White Sharks from the safety of a cage...although a big shark could chew the ropes that fasten the cage to the boat but they are probably content to munch on the snacks being tossed in to lure them.

I think that it would be a super adrenalin rush to be eyeball to eyeball with any of these large predators. Primal Fear! It would make sense to start in my own backyard and fly up to Northern Manitoba and see the Polar Bears...

but not in some flimsy school bus like this!



I would have to be in a proper Tundra Buggy..

and I would never EVER trust the so-called Bear-Proof suit designed by fellow Canadian Troy Hurtubise.

Troy survived a Grizzly attack in British Columbia and was later inspired by..

wait for it..

yep, the movie Robocop!

On the Discovery program Chris also placed his predator shield inside of an ordinary van to show how easy it is for ordinary Black Bears to break into your vehicle..something to remember on a drive-thru Safari.

The Bears popped the windows and then proceeded to totally destroy the interior...which Wildlife Officials will tell you they'd do just to get at a stick of gum left on the dashboard.

Have you ever wanted to get intimate with a creature that wanted to eat you or chew on your bone?

I CAN'T BEAR THE GUILT

Commenting on my last post Lulu LaBonne said...
"That's just you and your friends in bear suits making people feel good isn't it?"

Yes Lulu, GUILTY AS CHARGED!

but I sure had Miley_Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana) goin' for a while..

until she pulled my mask off and said,



"I figur'd you was kinda short to be playin' that Chewin' Tobacca guy from Star Wars!"

Ouch!

LULU's MEME:

A recipe for disaster

LULU asked me to continue a meme..open the fourth folder in your picture files and publish the fourth picture. Here it is. I'm putting 4 pictures up.

This little album reveals how smart Bears are, and how not-so-smart People can be.

This family in Alaska apparently encouraged wild Bears to join them in their backyard. Armed only with a glass of red wine and an electric cattle prod, the Black Bears and one Brown Bear, seem to be on their best bearhaviour.

The date stamp reads 2005 so I do not know if these folks are all Bear Crap by now? The pictures look authentic.

As enchanting and Disneyesque as this scene would suggest, it is a recipe for disaster. Wild animals act on instinct and one should never tempt the fates.

The wrong Bear on the wrong day and ces personnes sont histoire.

That little jolt of electricity wouldn't even register on an angry Bear...

which can run as fast as a horse for a quarter mile...

and would make short work out of their human hosts.

This one is especially disturbing.

Let us suspend our disbelief for a moment and hope that they all lived happily everafter...

far apart from each other.

Globowl Warming

GLOBAL WARMING

MY FROZEN ASS!!!!

Did you know that 90% of Homo Escapeons live in the Northern Hemisphere?

I live alongside 500,000,000 other Escapeons who currently occupy North America.

Through some cruel twist of fate, and very poor (selfish) planning on the part of my Grandfathers, I live in the centre of North America.

During the Cretaceous Period 100 million years ago, my house would have been at the bottom of the Western_Inland_Sea.

Which would have been a very Inconvenient Truth because instead of chasing away the bloody Squirrels chewing on my Christmas lights, I would have had a Mosasaur circling the house waitng to eat me!



So it could be much worse, and for such small mercies, I am eternally grateful.

Not that long ago, during the most recent period of North American Glaciation, 26,000 - 13,300 years ago, ice sheets 3 to 4 KILOfrickinMETRES THICK extended to about 45 degrees north latitude...

that's way past my house.

Now to the matter at hand.

Unless you live in North Korea,



where L'il Kim banned the Internet and the 21st Century,
you have no doubt been warned about glo-bowl warming..

which is also prolly banned in Bad Korea.

I mean global warming.

However, if you take a look at todays weather map it is almost identical to the last Ice Age.

Coinky-Dink?

I think not.

Anyway, we are a hardy lot in Whateverpeg and we do whatever we need to in order to survive...

but if this cold snap doesn't end soon I am going to snap!


I can guarandamntee you that I will be HOMO ESCAPING to a warmer climate!

Frankly, I would prefer getting pulled around by Kangaroos,

but what are ya gonna do?

*and speaking of Frank, my apologies to the Frazman..

awesome does not even begin to describe his stuff!