THE VUVUZELIAN TRAGEDY

"Buy Land, they ain't makin' any more of the stuff"
Will Rogers


ATTENTION EXTRATERRESTRIALS!
In the market for a house on Earth Street?
Well look no further my friend!
Here are the current listings that your intergalctic real estate agent could show you.

1.LIST PRICE = the Population of the Continent

2.SQUARE FOOTAGE = continental area in kilometres, add 000s

3.OWNERS = number of countries on the continent

4.OCCUPANTS = 1 person = 50 million+ etc

5.MORTGAGE RATE
= % Of People on Earth






'modern amenities with old world charm'
EUROPE
listed @ $729,000,000

is a 1,039 sf House on the East Side.
The MORTGAGE documents list 41 owners but you can't help but notice 3 people from RUSSIA (who spend most of their time in the Asia House) and 1 GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, BRITISH and UKRAINIAN.
*10% O.A.P.




'breath taking ocean view'
OCEANIA
listed @ $32,700,000

is a 850 sf House on the East Side.
The Mortgage documents list 13 owners but it looks empty. I notice a kangaroo plush toy on the floor.
*.5% O.A.P.


'make us an offer'
ANTARCTICA

is a vacant 1,372 sf House at the end of the street. The furnace is broken. *0% O.A.P.




'spacious and overloaded with amenities'
NORTH AMERICA
listed @ $885,000,000

is a 2,448 sf House on the West Side.
The mortgage documents list 27 owners.
There are 5 people from the U.S.in the living room and 2 from MEXICO in the sunroom.
Although you can't see them there are Canadians living in the attic. You can't see the Carribeans living around a heated pool or the Central Americans in the breezeway that is connected to the South American House next door.
*13% O.A.P.





'roomy rustic spanish style'
SOUTH AMERICA

listed @ $371,000,000

is a 1,784 sf House on the West Side.
The Mortgage documents list 12 owners but ay carumba!
you'll see 4 people from Brazil in very skimpy bathing suits .

*5% O.A.P.

'a must see for wildlife enthusiasts'
AFRICA
listed @ $887,000,000

is a big 3,030 sf House on the East Side.
The Mortgage documents list 54 owners.
Say hello to 2 people from Nigeria and 1 from Egypt, Ethiopia, Zaire and Lybia.
There are way more people here but this place is huge!
*13% O.A.P.




'fabulous kitchen and rugs'
ASIA
listed @ $3,900,000,000

is a huge 4,950 sf House on the East Side.
The Mortgage documents list 52 owners!
Yells, Bells and Smells!
I count 22 people from China and another 20 from India! There are 4 from Indonesia! Wait there is 2 from Pakistan,Japan and Bangladesh!
Hold on there is 1 from Iran,Turkey,Thailand and the Phillipines.
*60% O.A.P!

How much was Antarctica again?
Maybe we can fix the furnace?

FOREIGNERS MUST STOP EATING

by LORD TENNISANYONE

Pursuant to my recent reply to an electronic article published by my dear associate and ardent Large Hadron Collider denier, Vicus Scurra , concerning the Queen's 2009 message regarding the dietary peculiarities of foreigners, it suddenly occurred to me, that the greatest challenge of the new decade will be how we manage to preserve our beloved exotic animals and allow foreigners to share our planet.

Sadly those people have brought this all upon themselves. Unable to control their primal urges they fight amongst themselves and breed exponentially. 
Due to their self inflicted circumstance they are in the midst of subsequently eviscerating their local biospeheres where our beloved exotic animals live.
Bad form I say.

On the darkest of continents these people thoughtlessly trespass on our Game Preserves at will and shoot anything that bloody moves. Known locally as "Bush Meat" these foreigners are systematically eating our cousins, the Bonobos and Chimpanzees.

Dare I say that during the Colonial era in Africa the locals weren't allowed to tamper with our Game and everything seemed to be in order.
Now the whole bloody thing is out of sorts.

As if that wasn't enough of a perturbance, these foreigners also  massacre Elephants, Tigers, Gorillers, and Rhinos, leave the carcasses to rot, and sell their tusks, horns, paws, and penii, so that other foreigners can get boners, carve trinkets, and make bloody knife handles.


 

These voracious little buggers send huge floating factories into our bloody oceans to net, vacuum, dynamite, and harpoon anything that bloody swims or crawls..including our whales.

With all the fish nearly gone from the actions of these inconsiderate uppity foreigners, vicious Seals have started attacking and feeding upon my fellow Colonists.

One can hardly believe that these heartless bastards perform the barbaric practice of hacking the fins off of millions of bloody sharks every year, dumping the rest of the dying creatures into the water, in order to make expen$ive bloody soup to supposedly bring good luck and get boners.

Unfortunately eating our cousin Apes which have 99% of our DNA isn't the most egregious violation. What will eventually tip the scale and force us to take affirmative action is the irreconcilable practice of eating our beloved best furiends... 

Dogs.
Bloody Hell!

My old chum Charlie Darwin would not have been surprised at our discovery that all large megafauna were obliterated and became extinct as we marched out of Africa and conquered the other continents.

The animals that evolved alongside of us in Africa had enough bloody sense to run away or eat us. The new species that we encountered were thick as a post and just stood there as we poked them with sharp objects.

The fossil record shows that we annihilated the competing predatory species and inadvertently upset the natural balance allowing the prey animals to overpopulate and devour their food supply whilst succumbing to accompanying disease, before we killed and ate them all.

Nowadays it's bloody well impossible to enjoy a tender butter-roasted Dodo...

not to mention that a proper Gentlemen can no longer even enjoy a pleasant afternoon bagging a Thylacine ?!

pity.

That being said, we in the modern world have taken responsibilty for the missteps of our ancestors and developed an inexhaustable supply of frankencritters on huge factory farms....
 so why can't those foreigners figure it out?

We want to be able to enjoy hunting and photographing the exotic animals on safari in our far off lands and if these foreigners wish to continue sharing our planet, then they must stop eating our animals and especially our furiends.
My Word! 

Zex, Deutsche und AIDs are stealing the Nachrichtenschlagzeilen

(News Headlines)

Hmm? I'm experiencing one of those synchronicital confluence of events thingamabobs. As I perused the headlines of the Guardian it was all Sex, AIDs & Germans!

First off, Ardi, a 4 million-year-old bipedal ancestor has been discovered in Africa. The female's vajayjay must have begun it's transition to the anterior region, at a glacial pace, to accomodate the discovery of the missionary position, which presumably strengthened pair bonding...

which still needs a little tweaking.

Speaking of missionary positions, the next article that caught my eye laments the politically correct assertion that governments need to make a fuss over the current German Pope.

Then it was back to sex and the publication of a book that suggests that there are 237 reasons why women have sex.

If Dr. Ruth had zaid ziss mitt her cute German ahkzent I might have believed it.

Throughout history men have been wanking...I mean wracking, their brains out trying to understand why it's such a big deal.

Even Julius Caesar had to listen to Cleopatra's pathetic excuse, "Not tonight I'm having my pyramid".

Well no more excuses Ladies..now we can give you more than 237 good reasons..HA!

Now nobody wants to think that Hitler had a little head..ugh!

We all know that Hilter had a hole in his head, however now a story states that his skull was too small and actually belonged to a young female?

So maybe he got a little head before he fled?

Warning graphic content!

Finally, a German AIDs advert on the telly is causing a stir for using a Hitlerian look-a-like making out mitt a Mädchen and gropin' her großen titz! Eeew!

We certainly don't get to see ads like this in the Colonies! At first I was aroused and then I was furious. My suspension of disbelief could not be activated because other than being drunk at a Hallowe'en party or a hooker working a white supremicist convention in Vegas,

how could any woman make out with a dude that looked like Hitler?

pfft!

So there you have it, Germans, Zex and AIDs.

Somalia Later

SOMALIA LATER!

Irate aboot Pirates

The ongoing standoff in the Gulf of Aden has many perplexed. How can there be Pirates in the 21st Century?

First of all we need to remember that SOMALIA

is number one on the failed state index which measures the worst conditions for humans to live in. Sudan is number two.

When I hear the name Somalia the first 3 things that come to mind are the movie Black Hawk Down, super-model Iman, & Somali Pirates.

#1 Black Hawk Down

This is one of my favorite soldier flicks. It depicts America's last military encounter with this "failed state"...Somalia hasn't had a government since 1991!

During this collision of cultures, 19 Americans and over 1000 Somalis died. The caption Leave No Man Behind eerily mirrors the current situation that the world is watching. Somali Pirates have abducted the civilian Captain of a merchant cargo vessel, the first act of piracy on an American vessel in 200 years.

The Captain bravely offered himself as a hostage to the Pirates in exchange for his crew. Leave No Man Behind...especially a good, brave, man like Captain Richard Phillips. There are about 250 other hostages from other countries being held by Somali Pirates.

#2 Iman

Yes indeed, Iman, the uber-elegant, super-model and spousal unit of David Bowie, is from Somalia. For whatever reason, Mother Nature has nurtured and molded a gene pool in the horn of Africa that produces the most beautiful and handsome homo escapeons on Earth...atleast imho.

When you look at pictures of the pirates you cannot help but notice that these are not the usual suspects...those half-crazed, bearded, desert worn, thugs dressed in nightgowns...but Somali people are extraordinarily good looking homo escapeons.

Thanks to the ubiquitous influence of Television and Movies, most of us in the West have been trained to expect the bad guys to be U G L Y!

We must also bear in mind that these Somali Pirates have no philosophical illusions of perpetually penetrating 72 nymphomaniacal-virgins in paradise when they volunteer to expire in some glorious cause. Nope.

Despite the islamist influences in the political spectrum of Somalia, and the fact that these pirates live in a moral vacuum where human life has no value, they just want money.

#3 SOMALI PIRATES

Most of us scratch our heads when we read about these third-world, gangsta-pirates. It is hard to comprehend how a seemingly rag-tag group of heavily armed, stoned on Khat asshats can manage to somehow capture HUGE cargo ships from small boats with outboard motors..hundreds of miles out-to-Sea...and then force Corporations to cough up million$ in ransom?

The Pirates are actually quite well prepared. They travel out to Sea on large "Mother Ships", locate targets using modern technology, and then launch small attack squads with just enough firepower (rocket launchers) to actually sink the cargo ships.

Don't ask me why merchant vessels, manned by unarmed crews, haven't been travelling through the Gulf Of Aden in convoys with military escorts?

Instead they play the odds.

We also need to remember that there isn't a functioning government on shore so these pirates can do whatever they like. So far the Corporations seem willing to dish out $2M in ransom in order to rescue $20M worth of merchandise..

it's the just the cost of doing business in the new global economy.

A new book by Dambisa Moyo titled DEAD AID

outlines the failure of the West to ease their conscience and help Africa by just throwing tons of money at it.



Post Colonial Africa seems hopelessly trapped by millenia of tribal/genocidic hatred. The modern (meaningless?) borders are constantly being transgressed by vicious military-gangs who torture, rape, pillage, and murder, members of other tribes. These armies serve warlord thugs who are sponsored by the booty they pirate from well intentioned Western Aid.

These despotic tyrants "pirate" the aid, siphon the proceeds, and purchase modern weaponry for their private armies.

It's an unmitigated disaster for all of those emaciated mothers and children that we see on televsion BUT for the warlords and despots it's like winning the lottery! The African people aren't getting it and obviously we in the West aren't "getting it" either.

I wrote an overview of the continental struggle of nearly 1 Billion People on March 08, 2009 entitled AFRICkAn MESSage for all of us.

SO...What will happen?

This is an international problem that affects the globalization of the world economy. Now that the Pirates feel bold enough to take on the USA they may be in for a surprise. All wars are related to economics and this new aspect will be tagged on to the War On Terrorism.

The root of the problem, a failed state, needs to be dealt with by a coalition because of the impact on the human lives that are being tyrannized under the lawlessness that prevails in Somalia.

The other thing that needs to happen is for the Pirates to hand over all of the hostages. Then their land bases need to be monitored and secured so that they can't launch.

My guess is that the American Navy will need to hold off from delivering an appropriate response until the Captain is released via a secret ransom and subsequent safe passage of the Pirates. He did try to escape but was recaptured and now other pirates are on en route to bolster the resolve of their fellow extortionists.

Unfortunately the "lifeboat" in which Captain Phillips is being held, is a covered craft and that makes it difficult to "take out" the bad guys without endangering his life. It is unknown how much food and water is onboard. The US Navy circling the scene could wait them out and sink any approaching vessels.

Following that event, any vessel bobbing about in that part of the world will be strafed, torpedoed, and sunk on sight without prejudice.

Yo-Ho-F*cking-Ho, Somalia later!

LYIN' AROUND BEARLY PROTECTED!

Last night I had a viewing of LION & BEAR Feeding Frenzy SHOWS hosted by Chris Douglas on the Discovery Channel.














He sat in a plexiglass "predator shield" to watch Lions, Grizzly and Black Bears up close and personal. You can see more by clicking HERE & HERE .

It's actually pretty cool although at one point Chris realised (as I am sure most viewers did) that an 800 pound Griz could have easily popped that sucker open if it really wanted to. In both instances the Lions and the Bears gladly tore apart mannequins placed outside of his Predator Shield.

Some day I would love to travel to South Africa, California, or Australia, and see Great White Sharks from the safety of a cage...although a big shark could chew the ropes that fasten the cage to the boat but they are probably content to munch on the snacks being tossed in to lure them.

I think that it would be a super adrenalin rush to be eyeball to eyeball with any of these large predators. Primal Fear! It would make sense to start in my own backyard and fly up to Northern Manitoba and see the Polar Bears...

but not in some flimsy school bus like this!



I would have to be in a proper Tundra Buggy..

and I would never EVER trust the so-called Bear-Proof suit designed by fellow Canadian Troy Hurtubise.

Troy survived a Grizzly attack in British Columbia and was later inspired by..

wait for it..

yep, the movie Robocop!

On the Discovery program Chris also placed his predator shield inside of an ordinary van to show how easy it is for ordinary Black Bears to break into your vehicle..something to remember on a drive-thru Safari.

The Bears popped the windows and then proceeded to totally destroy the interior...which Wildlife Officials will tell you they'd do just to get at a stick of gum left on the dashboard.

Have you ever wanted to get intimate with a creature that wanted to eat you or chew on your bone?

AFRICkAn MESSage for all of us

A quick setup: Friday night I had supper with some wonderful acquaintances from KENYA and Saturday & Sunday I was hugging it out with my daughters' choreographer who is from MOZAMBIQUE.

Then last night I watched The INTERPRETER (an assassination attempt on an African despot scheduled to make a speech at the U.N. starring Nicole Kidman & Sean Penn thinly disguised stab at ZimBOB'sway tyrant Bob Mugabe) and it occurred to me that since our species originated in Africa, maybe that is where we will start disappearing?

When I was a kid I loved Africa...well the Lions, Rhinos, Elephants..to me it was a gigantic Game Reserve. Every Saturday night I'd watch Tarzan and every Sunday there would be a couple of "Nature" programs. Our patrician Western view overlooked the people and concentrated on the wildlife.

We loved Africa but not Africans!

During the 60s I became aware that "we are all Kenyans" and that humans originated in Africa when I started reading about Anthropaleontologist Richard_Leakey and his Father in National Geographic Magazine. Leakey has had an incredible life which mirrors the transition of our Western View.

His decision as head of the Kenyan Wildlife and Management Department in 89 to shoot Poachers on sight encapsulated the zeitgeist of the African Wildlife debacle; if you recall Elephants and their Ivory tusks once represented the ecological awareness movement, just as the Polar Bear = Global Warming today.

Leakey's view that the National Parks were a place to protect the wildlife by keeping people out still resonates with common sense for most of us in the West. Make room for the Wildlife, at least they have an excuse for acting like animals. Unlike the psychotic monsters who force others, even child soldiers, to hack women and children to death with machetes, necklace them with burning petrol-soaked tires, or mow down entire villages with a machine gun after raping all the girls and women.

As Gord Gekko said in the Movie Wall Street. "The thing that you need to remember about Wasps (white anglo-saxon protestants) is that they LOVE animals..can't stand people."

Forty years later I see the "Dark Continent" in a totally different light. Gone are the days that I imagined it as a time-travellers paradise where one could still look back into an Edenic wonderland of Wildlife and simple noble tribesmen content to live side by side in the Neolithic Age.

Now it's been replaced by years of TV ads showing horrifying images of starving children, the HIV epidemic, Blood Diamonds, the genocidic horrors in Darfur and Rwanda, Somali Pirates, Tribal barbarism, and we still see images of poaching for Bush Meat and profit.

I admit that unlike BONO , I am still more concerned about the Wildlife?

Post Colonial Africa is circling the drain.... it is the poorest and most dangerous Continent on Earth for Humans to live. Why do Westerners worry about the survival of African Elephants, yet feel as if the probability of improving the lives of the African People is a hopeless cause?

Over half of the sub-Saharan countries are authoritarian states. The revolving door of despotism and pillaging foreign aid to amass personal fortune seems to be the standard form of Government throughout most of Africa.

According to the Economist, four generations of constant WAR can be partially attributed to dietary influenced neuro-biological defeciencies which manifests itself with low intelligence..

combined with a culture of fear, ageless tribal animosity, and poor educational opportunities, creates a perfect storm for conflict and misery.


According to this SURVEY , the 4th annual report prepared by the Fund For Peace, a mere 15 Countries on the planet are rated as having sustainable balanced political stability.

They are..
Japan 127.7M

Belgium 10.7M

Luxembourg 491,700

Netherlands 16.5M

Canada 33.5M

Austria 8.4M

Australia 21.6M

Denmark 5.5M

New Zealand 4.3M

Iceland 325,500

Switzerland 7.7M

Ireland 4.5M

Sweden 9.3M

Finland 5.3M

Norway 4.8M

Humans originated in Africa and after 150,000 years of transitioning from hunter-gatherers to Civilization and spreading out across the globe and the best that we can do is produce 15 frickin' countries that are OK!?

265 Million people out of 6.7Billion!

"This is an assessment of the pressures on stability and political risk of countries by focusing on 12 key economic, social, and political indicators and 5 Core Institutions; Leadership, Military, Judiciary, Police & Civil Services, plus local issues, and their relations with other countries in the region."

There are synoptic, single-paragraph summations at the end of each review..click here to check out your COUNTRY.

Of the 177 Countries assessed;

1-35 rated ALERT

36-127 WARNING

128-162 MODERATE

163-177 SUSTAINABLE

Here are the 15 Nations in immediate crisis, no big surprises but look at all the African nations!

Somalia 8.6M

Sudan 38.5M

Zimbabwe 13.3M

Chad 10.7M

Iraq 28.9M

Congo 62.6M

Afghanistan 27.1M

Cote d'Ivoire 19.2M

Pakistan 165.8M

Central African Republic 4.3M

Guinea 9.3M

Bangladesh 158.6M

Burma 48.7M

Haiti 9.5M

North Korea 23.7M

Look at the African Nations listed under ALERT or WARNING!

All but Mauritius, which was rated Moderate like the USeh.

#80 Algeria

#56 Angola

#100 Benin

#120 Botswana

#36 Burkina Faso

#24 Burundi

#33 Cameroon

#65 Cape Verde

#10 Central African Republic

#4 Chad

#74 Comoros

#26 Rebuplic of Congo

#8 Cote d'Ivoire

#5 Democratic Republic of the Congo

#71 Djibouti

#40 Egypt

#42 Equatorial Guinea

#44 Eritrea

#16 Ethiopia

#93 Gabon

#83 Gambia

#123 Ghana

#11 Guinea

#32 Guinea-Bissau

#26 Kenya

#61 Lesotho

#34 Liberia
#111 Lybia

#86 Madagascar

#29 Malawi

#89 Mali

#47 Mauritania

#148 Mauritius

#88 Morocco

#85 Mozambique

#98 Namibia

#22 Niger

#19 Nigeria

#43 Rwanda

#78 SanTome

#107 Senegal

#114 Seychelles

#31 Sierra Leone

#1 Somalia

#125 South Africa

#72 Swaziland

#2 Sudan

#75 Tanzania

#45 Togo

#122 Tunisia

#17 Uganda

#63 Zambia

#3 Zimbabwe

The African Continent, the cradle of Mankind and home to nearly 1 Billion Humans is in A-frickin mess!

I contend that the Cosmic Creator may have left us a valuable clue by making the shape of the African Continent look exactly like a Human skull.

Africa holds the answers to our origins, maybe it also holds the answers to our demise?

Do you think that we will see the "beginning of the end" where it all began?

THE MUDDLED EAST
As a kid growing up during the 60s I remember watching the student protests and alongside of the actual footage of the War in Vietnam on TV. I can recall seeing John Wayne's movie The Green Berets (68) which was a WW2 style treatment of Vietnam and probably the only big Hollywood release that endorsed the American involvement in Vietnam... until Mel Gibson's We Were Soldiers (02).

By the time I had reached my Teens in the 70s, Vietnam War movies started dominating the movie world.


Who could forget the first time that you saw The Deer Hunter & Coming Home (78) Apocalypse Now (79) all of which were incredibly disturbing...
as were the next batch in the 80s, Platoon (86), Gardens Of Stone, The Hanoi Hilton, Good Morning Vietnam, Hamburger Hill and Full Metal Jacket (87 what a year eh?) Casualties Of War (89)..
and into the 90s with Jacob's Ladder (90).



I also include JFK (92) because Kennedy was apparently considering withdrawing the advisors from Vietnam and the Military Industrial Complex would lose Billion$ if that happened.




One of the running themes throughout the "Nam" movies was that conventional military strategy could not defeat guerilla insurgents on their home turf. Everyone understood that the Vietnam War could have been over in one hour and nobody, especially the grunts, could ever understand why they weren't allowed to win. One H-Bomb on Hanoi...done.

Remember X's (Donald Sutherland) cryptic speech in JFK (92)?
"The organizing principle of any society, Mr. Garrison, is for war. The authority of the state over its people resides in its war powers. Kennedy wanted to end the Cold War in his second term. He wanted to call off the moon race and cooperate with the Soviets. He signed a treaty to ban nuclear testing. He refused to invade Cuba in 1962.

He set out to withdraw from Vietnam.

As early as 1961, they knew Kennedy was not going to go to war in South-East Asia. Like Caesar, he is surrounded by enemies, and something's underway, but it has no face, yet everybody in the loop knows.
But all that ended on the 22nd of November, 1963."

The Americans began putting boots on the ground in 65.

This past weekend Afghan villagers falsely accused the Canadian Armed Forces of killing children during a missile practice..the children were actually killed by Taliban explosives that the children had tragically mistaken for scrap metal.

Canadian Prime Minister Harper lamented, "Frankly we are not going to ever that defeat the insurgency." It's right HERE . Then U.S. President Obama, who is pulling the troops pout of Iraqistan in 18 months, announced that he is deploying 17,000 more American soldiers to Afghanistan. He conceded that Afghanistan cannot be won "solely through military means."

Aside from rebuilding the Afghan Government and Economy, a full scale attack on the Taliban and Al-Quaida would need to be launched in the western part of Pakistan.. which the enemy openly controls and just signed a truce with the government of Pakistan..hello!

Unfortunately I believe that most people in the West would agree with the sweeping generalisation of the people in the Muddled East that Matt Damon's character expressed in Syriana.

"We think a hundred years ago you were living out here in tents in the desert chopping each others heads off, and that's exactly where you're gonna be in another hundred."



What's interesting is that the movies that are being made about the recent and ongoing Wars (both the declared and clandestine varieties) in the Middle East are already expressing the futility of a military exercise and openly discussing the political charade about it being a rescue operation, and not about Petrodollars, Religio-Political animosity, and playing Chicken in a quickly thawing Neo-Cold War.



Isn't this all still part of the post 911 Rumsfeldian notion that the best Defense is a good Offense that was handcuffed to Vice President Cheney's Halliburton connection? My sense is that the West has reached it's tolerance level for this part of the world and would gladly abandon it as a completely hopeless cause...
in a heartbeat.


My guess is that Africa, which seems to be degenerating every day, will not get to be rescued next because there isn't enough Oil to make it worthwhile. Africa is also seen as one disaster after another that hasn't made much progress despite 60 years of foreign aid. Who knows, The West may actually be finished rescuing foreigners from themselves?



Here is my list of movies about the Muddled East.
Syriana (2005)
The Kingdom (2007)
Lions for Lambs (2007)
Iron_Man (2008)
Body of Lies (2008)
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Charlie Wilson's War (2007)
Three Kings (1999)
Jarhead (2005)
Courage Under Fire (1996)
Black Hawk Down (2001)
The_Kite_Runner (2007)

Do any of you honestly expect to see a single country adopt a Democratic form of Governement in the Middle East in your lifetime? They only have about 80 years worth of Oil reserves left.

GEOdumbography

It has occurred to me that most of our problems could be solved by simply relocating a few countries. Personally I'd like to see NORTH AMERICA become a safer place to raise a family but also loosen up a bit and be more fun.

In order to make that happen we would need to exchange AUSTRALIA for the USA...and of course get Alaska back from those thieves! Australia and Canada would get along famously because we have so much in common.

Besides, it would be much cheaper for the USA to fight Russia and China and (whoever else they pick next week) if they were way over there.

Then North America would consist of Canada, Australia, Mexico, and the Caribbean..HELLO!

I would try move the UK a little closer (give them some sunlight poor things) and Spain can come over, they're fun but no mas with that Bullfighting Bullsh*t.

I'd like to move the entire MIDDLE EAST and all those STAN countries waaaay up north to RUSSIA and let the Russians have their warm water port and defrost the neo-Cold War. That way they'll all still have their bloody OIL but maybe the Russians will relax in a hotter climate and the fine folks from the Middle East & Stan countries might chillax a bit when it's 30 below?

I would also move China into smaller digs and give Tibet their spot...see how they like it. AFRICA could become one ginormous Game Preserve. Nice.

SOUTH AMERICA can just be Brazil..that would be kewl.

JAPAN needs more room to spread out so off you go, the Sea of Japan is empty anyway, and INDIA would have much better access to the American Market if the US was in Australia's old spot.

What would you do?