Vicky & Tennisanyone

I've taken the liberty of posting a handful of photographs that I nicked from my great-grandfather's collection of memorabilia. 

After my great-grandmama passed, Lord Tennisanyone enjoyed a long, a very l o n g, and happy Second Act with his very "special friend" Vicky.

We didn't know much aboot her except that she was a well-to-do Widow from jolly old England.They hit it off like a house on fire and became inseperable...and except for the World Wars, a handful of exploration escapades and the early years of the Space Program, the two of them rarely missed an opportunity to be together. 

As you can see they shared a rich adventurous life for several decades longer than one would expect. We should all be so lucky eh?

Nuts To You

Midlife is really all aboot having medical procedures and avoiding episodes.

Apparently once you turn 55 the medical profession cannot wait to reel you in and try out every machine that goes 'ping!'. 

During the last few months I've had a heart catheterization-coronary angiogram, a lovely 12 dart prostate biopsy, and a dreamy drug addled colonoscopy for good measure.

Since I went to such great lengths to overshare and document my vaswrecktomization-neutering here, today I am about to enjoy my first scrotal ultrasound, which would make a great name for a new wave-grunge band. 

I am hopeful that it will not be a squishy ball-busting affair like a mammogram...and let's hope that I get an invisible resonance imaging technician  with warm hands to gently guide me through this next awkward episode.

Seriously?

POST POSTING: Well the experience turned out quite different than I had imagined.  As Fate would have it, my technician was a very attractive woman who led me in to a dimly lit room and then proceeded to cover my "swimsuit area" with warm soothing lotion, and then she gently rolled a soft scanner over and over and over my boys.

As you can imagine I was quite concerned about..popping a you know..

...however I was concentrating so hard on disassociating through mindless banter, that I inadvertently set what is probably a new  Commonwealth record for turtling shrinkage!

Dammit I should make another appointment to restore my manly manlihood.  Nothing my imagination, a few Viagra and a pump couldn't restore..... SCHWING!

Clicks Just Keep Getting Harder To Find

LECTOR EMPTOR"Reader Beware" 


The "survey" linked below is yet another example of how low the bar has been moved.

In the cyberwar for eyeballs, Interweb content providers are forced to put-out a constant stream of meaningless filler in order to placate their advertiser's demand for 'clicks'. 
To paraphrase Paul Revere & The Raiders: "Clicks just keep getting harder to find".



Even though it is within the realm of possibility that someday Social Scientists might discover a male human with an internet connection who has not been a consumer of pornography, it's possible, it's not realistic to produce a meaningful survey on modern male sexuality that is based on interviewing "20" testosterone-drenched male university students!?
 
All Men Watch Porn eh?http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

I suspect that Alfred Kinsey must be rolling in his grave. 

Schwarzenegger Schadenfreude

If an Austrian Oak falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

 

The other day I stumbled a upon a Youtubian clip from the film "Pumping Iron" and it made me think about the very public downfall of Argh-argh-arghnold Schwarzenegger,
the "Austrian Oak".

Like a lot of other testosterone fueled teenagers back in the 70s, I was in awe of Ahnold's uber-masculinity. He was the ultimate posterboy for the Bodybuilding craze that Joe Weider was cultivating and Ahnold was the dude who sold it to the world.

Before the 70s there had been hypermasculine celebrities  and movie stars like Johnny "Tarzan" Weismuller. They counter balanced the female counterparts like Jane Mansfield. Today we still have a great demand to satisfy our voyeuristic appreciation of over-the-top physiques and we have stars with superbodies like  Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Sofia Vergara.  

as if

Most of us could never attain Ahnold's level of physicality because of the genetic limitations and fear of taking steroids, but the greatest impediment was the amount of physical labour required...it was just way too much work.

It was inevitable that Ahnold would appear on the big screen and from Conan to Predator and Terminator, he became the BIGGE$T box office draw in the world and according to Box Office Mojo, his adjusted lifetime gross amounts to nearly..wait for it...
THREE BILLION DOLLARS! http://boxofficemojo.com/people/chart/?id=arnoldschwarzenegger.htm


He parlayed this notoriety into a post cinematic political career. He hitched his wagon to the mystique of American Royalty and married into the Kennedy clan. This secured some serious credibility and piggybacked the zeitgeist of celebrity worship, and became the Governator of "Kaleefornyah".

Now of course the revelation of his indescretions and illegitimate child with one of his domestic servants has torpedoed the magic and he is in the midst of a very public scandalous divorce. How the mighty Oak has fallen.

Last night I watched "Who's Sorry Now" on the CBC's Doc zone: http://www.cbc.ca/doczone/episode/whos-sorry-now.html 

"This episode explores big marquee moments of regret from public figures to take a sharp and timely look at the art, spin and billion-dollar business behind The Big Apology. The recent boom in public apologies is taking place against a backdrop where powerful people and interests have less and less privacy. With a mobile phone camera in every pocket and an internet audience instantly riveted to postings of fresh scandals, it‘s harder than ever for public figures to hide mistakes and misdeeds.   
Inevitably when a crisis comes, an elite brand of "reputation managers" or "crisis control" specialists springs into action. They take control of the message by spinning the apology in an effort to "protect the brand" and salvage the image of the philandering politician, the cheating sports idol, or corrupt CEO. More often than not it all goes wrong."


Our society's obssession with celebrity has collided with the 24/7 365 world of the internet and it's Open Season on famous people. Our pathetic inclination to feel pleasure at the misfortune of others (Schadenfreude) is a deeply ingrained psychological need to measure up to others...and our prehistoric brain is hardwired to make us victims of our own insecurity.

Social validation increases the levels of dopamine and serotonin in the brain, so we subconsciously strive to find ways to even out the playing field. Since many of us believe that we, the great unwashed hordes of workaday nobodies living in anonymity, allow celebrities the privilege of living these amazing wealthy lives, because we finance their fabulous lives by buying tickets or voting for them, so we think that they OWE us...BIG TIME!

The media has capitalized on our natural pre-programmed-pre-occupation with social grooming. "Humans live in a constant duality between how we see ourselves and how others see us."

 Like our Ape cousins and ancestors, we evolved big brains that freed up a lot of time from food finding and sentenced us to the majority of out time being kidnapped by social grooming. Now this natural obssession has spun right out of control to the detriment of our participation in political and social activism..things which actually affect our lives.

It's sad that we need to invent and create heroes. If we spent more time concentrating on our own lives, we'd realize that the real heroes are the people we know, who actually affect your life. We also need to appreciate that the great unwashed hordes of workaday nobodies living in anonymity aren't looking at our lives under a microscope.
We should all be ridiculously overjoyed that when saplings like us fall in the forest, nobody is watching and it doesn't make a sound.

Rattling The Swill Bucket

"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket"
George Orwell

We male homo escapeons might try to distance ourselves from the primordial impulses which control our wenis and influence 99.99% of our behaviour...but we can't....not really.

Like it or not Ladies, we men can blame the brain. Yes our ridiculous sex drive is mercilessly dictated by the three-pound lump of jello lodged between our ears. The thick skull houses the 200,000 year-old monkey-brain which helped our species escape a period of drastic climate change that ravaged our once edenic& verdant bithplace, the African Savannah.

Fast forward to the present day age of incomprehensible miracles such as the world wide interwebs, mapping the human genome, and Hollywood suits green-lighting re-makes of 70s & 80s movies that nobody really liked the first time around...
and here we are..
still slaves to our apeman cravings.


I present as evidence of our anthro-psychological mindcuffs exhibit A: a simple car commercial.
Perhaps you've seen it?
How I love the catchy song Tightrope by Janelle Monae
you can listen to her video for the song here>
 *  
Mm-mm-MM!

and now here is the car commercial >!



Listen to all the benefits of owning this vehicle...
interspersed with the now ubiquitous jumpcut imaging of young people on the cusp of having it all. WOW!
But wait?

There is one shot 40 seconds in that every wenis owner from 12 to 90 remembers..
BAM...
it's only on for a single second...
and it has nothing to do with driving the car.

It's this cute girl in repose enjoying a carefree moment at the beach..

Actually most guys don't even notice that there is a Dude sitting behind her?
I didn't.

Now we all know that male humans crave a mindnumbingly low standard of needs, wants and desires... and therefore sex sells. 
I suppose that as a former TV spot writer/producer I may scrutinize Ads a smidge more than most folks, but most of the comments about this spot are asking about that girl. 

Perhaps the male sex drive is the achilles' heel..it is regularly used to destroy Kings, capture Spies and snag the tall good-looking guy down the street with the great job that's married to what's-her-face?.

We "Y" chromers and our seemingly endless supply of fertilizer..enough to effortlessly impregnate bajillions of females and re-populate our own planets...we're all virtually powerless to deflect either subliminal or blatant sexual messages.

It's not fair...ladies you should point fingers at the evil advertising wizards who are manipulating  our evolutionary monkey-see, monkey want-to-do brain!

This might be the greatest car in the world, but 99% of the hetero men will remember this one second flash of this cute girl in the Ad, and maybe even the name of the vehicle.

If Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket, this Orwellian pronouncement works on so many levels.
Rattling the stick indeed!

GUILTY OF BLOG ABANDONMENT

I  wanted to write about the latest shooting spree in Tucson Arizona. Then I remembered that I wrote about gun violence in April 2007 after another incident. I wanted to remind myself of the huge difference between our countries...a lot of which is the result of America's incomprehensible Gun addiction.

There are 2.3 million American and 225,000 Canadian deaths every year. Of those 30,000 Americans commit suicide every year (80/day) compared to 4,000 Canadians (10/day), again quite similar. BUT, in the USA there are 14,000 Murders per Year (38/day) 10,000 of which (27/day) are the result of GUNS. Canada has about 175 Gun/Murders per year (1 every 2nd day).


So once again, I've discussed this issue. Which is why I am truly humbled by anyone who can still manage to find the time and effort to blog,  especially if they are on Facebook!?

If one were to liken the Interwebz to oh, um, let's say a "Ladies Prison Film", just for instance.

Then I'm just your run-of-the-mill, opportunistic, night-shift guard who exhibits very poor impulse control when faced with any ethical dilemma.


Miss Blog is a wholesome, wrongly-accused, sews-her-own-clothes, nice, smart, cornfed gal (with a few issues) from 'Mensa' Arizonee.

However whistling at me from the next cell, smothered in baby oil, is a buck-nekked, jaw-droppin' Miz Facebook who is a nymphomaniacal, G-note/night pro from Lost Wages, Nevada who wants to give you that once-in-a-lifetime-toe-curling-kama-sutric experience every night.
 

 
I am not made of steel.

Okay seriously, it's not that great, it's just the path of least resistance thingamabob. The spirit is 'chillin' and the flesh is weak.

REGAL DNA BEYOND REPAIR

DATELINE LONDON:

Following the recent trothing of Prince Willy Wales and Katty Kay, genetic scientists immediately sprang into action.

Newfound evidence of a once secret program which carefully monitors the breeding of aristocratic European families recently came to light.

Yesterday, around noon, several files were discovered by scavenging Government workers searching for food in the garbage bins behind the Freedom Of Information Bunker.

Members of Royalty are not bred for a specific skill or purpose other than to be entered into an ancient 'show' between Nations. Awards are generally based on conspicuous displays of wealth, but sometimes given to outgoing characters who have displayed outstanding, energetic acts of immorality.


From the files we learn that during the Middle Ages it became apparent that without fail, royal families produced offspring burdened with many undesirable attributes.

These traits ranged from simple undesirable character irregularities such as uncontrollable giggling, to despotic paranoia and delusions of grandeur.

One doctor, Lord Sinjin Tennisanyone, correctly deduced that this appalling condition was the direct result of over 800 years of unbridled inbreeding amongst the European Aristocracy.

In order to combat these terrible afflictions and maintain political stability, substitute eggmaidens were selected from asylums.

This selective breeding program was astonishingly successful and lasted well into the 20th Century.

However, once the Human Genome had been mapped, the Tennisanyone family, gatekeepers of the Royal basting and neutering program, introduced modern scientificky procedures in order to streamline the process and free-up their weekends.

These days all that is required to successfully create an aristocrat is a wee DNA sample from suitable donors most of which are still conveniently warehoused in asylums. 

A procedure that once required numerous bottles of Gin, scented candles, yards of velvet rope, and a tub of lard, can now be done in a matter of minutes.

The only constant still required is that the Princess or Queen must be either rendered unconscious or distracted with jewelry or shoes.

Here for the first time we can view the shocking photographic evidence of what could happen if scientists refused to intervene.

Exhibit A is unquestionably shocking. This is a computer generated image of what William and Harry would have looked like, had Charles been allowed to follow his own devices.

Exhibit B is another disturbing projection of the future progeny which Princes William and Harry would unleash if their severely compromised royal swimmers, floaters, twirlers and sinkers were allowed near an egg. 

As you can see, this remains a highly sensitive issue, and you didn't hear this from me, but a Mrs. Gwynyth Throatwarbler Sharpley of Thamesmead, is suspected of being harvested on four separate occasions.

So Mums the word eh?

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I thought I'd post this video of Paul McCartney rehearsing 'Maybe I'm Amazed', it was a tribute to his wife Linda.

Linda was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1995, and died at the age of 56 in 1998. Lady McCartney would have turned 69 last month!



I couldn't help but notice how Paul's face lights up when he turns to her.

A CLERICAL ERROR !!
"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi.

I titally support this cause

KISSIN' CAUSEIN'S !?

rehashed from March 08

Don't worry I'm not going to ask you to tell me your favorite Big Screen Smooch..

you can if you want to...

but, have you ever wondered if we homo escapeons simply mimic passionate "Movie" kissing or is that type of kissing natural?

Once you have seen one of these torrid smooches on a giant screen aren't you disappointed if you don't receive an earth-moving Kiss?

This same logic dictates the reason that ordinary people should NOT watch porn.

The success of do-it-yourself sites like YouPorn prove once and for all that regular folks will be devastatingly discouraged by their 'shortcomings' if they try to mimic the Herculean performances of the Pros...

not to mention the abscence of all those ridiculously embelleshed 'bits' on display that most of us are neither born with n'or can we afford to implant them.

Do you suppose that prehistorical Cavemen tried hanging upside down or rolling in the surf having slurpy kisses?

Back in 1967 the author of The Naked Ape, Desmond Morris, suggested that mutual sexual gratification (Ladies Stop Laughing) was the key to securing a pair bond which was essential for successfully raising offspring.

He said that our species evolved by choosing mates with less hair and therefore more errogenous zones, female breasts became portruding, hemispherical, eye-magnets to divert the males attention to the front, so that we could invent the missionary position, which developed as a way to make reproducing more enjoyable.....

and it was easier to kiss.

OK scrub your brains and let's try to focus on just Kissing..oh wait....

This Kiss/Sex thingamabob reminds me of my favorite scene in Monty Python's Meaning Of Life when John Cleese is teaching Sex-Ed to the remarkably, disinterested, pupils.

Whilst discussing foreplay he says,

"What's wrong with a kiss, boy?

Hmm?

Why not start her off with a nice kiss?

You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.

Give her a kiss, boy ."

According to Wiki;

-Anthropologists haven't reached a consensus as to whether Kissing is a learned or instinctive behavior

-Kissing may may be related to grooming behavior or may be the result of mammalian mothers premasticating..that's MASTICATING..

food for their children in order to recognize biological dangers to their offspring

-Kissing allows prospective mates to smell and taste each other's hornymones (also know as pheromones) for biological compatibility

-Ladies are subconsciously more attracted to men whose major histocompatibility complex portion of their genome is different from their own; leading to offspring with resistance to a greater number of diseases due to heterosis, and thus having a better chance of survival...

which is why we put the kibosh on Kissin' Cousins!

This explains why couples are more likely to bond if they have the right chemistry !  This tedious examination sort of takes all the mystery out of Life doesn't it?

So the hell with that.

Q. Of all the kisses that you've ever had, what percentage of those would be face-sucking, skull-drilling, take-me-now, make-me-lose-control, lip locking...

and how often do you want it?

FOREIGNERS MUST STOP EATING

by LORD TENNISANYONE

Pursuant to my recent reply to an electronic article published by my dear associate and ardent Large Hadron Collider denier, Vicus Scurra , concerning the Queen's 2009 message regarding the dietary peculiarities of foreigners, it suddenly occurred to me, that the greatest challenge of the new decade will be how we manage to preserve our beloved exotic animals and allow foreigners to share our planet.

Sadly those people have brought this all upon themselves. Unable to control their primal urges they fight amongst themselves and breed exponentially. 
Due to their self inflicted circumstance they are in the midst of subsequently eviscerating their local biospeheres where our beloved exotic animals live.
Bad form I say.

On the darkest of continents these people thoughtlessly trespass on our Game Preserves at will and shoot anything that bloody moves. Known locally as "Bush Meat" these foreigners are systematically eating our cousins, the Bonobos and Chimpanzees.

Dare I say that during the Colonial era in Africa the locals weren't allowed to tamper with our Game and everything seemed to be in order.
Now the whole bloody thing is out of sorts.

As if that wasn't enough of a perturbance, these foreigners also  massacre Elephants, Tigers, Gorillers, and Rhinos, leave the carcasses to rot, and sell their tusks, horns, paws, and penii, so that other foreigners can get boners, carve trinkets, and make bloody knife handles.


 

These voracious little buggers send huge floating factories into our bloody oceans to net, vacuum, dynamite, and harpoon anything that bloody swims or crawls..including our whales.

With all the fish nearly gone from the actions of these inconsiderate uppity foreigners, vicious Seals have started attacking and feeding upon my fellow Colonists.

One can hardly believe that these heartless bastards perform the barbaric practice of hacking the fins off of millions of bloody sharks every year, dumping the rest of the dying creatures into the water, in order to make expen$ive bloody soup to supposedly bring good luck and get boners.

Unfortunately eating our cousin Apes which have 99% of our DNA isn't the most egregious violation. What will eventually tip the scale and force us to take affirmative action is the irreconcilable practice of eating our beloved best furiends... 

Dogs.
Bloody Hell!

My old chum Charlie Darwin would not have been surprised at our discovery that all large megafauna were obliterated and became extinct as we marched out of Africa and conquered the other continents.

The animals that evolved alongside of us in Africa had enough bloody sense to run away or eat us. The new species that we encountered were thick as a post and just stood there as we poked them with sharp objects.

The fossil record shows that we annihilated the competing predatory species and inadvertently upset the natural balance allowing the prey animals to overpopulate and devour their food supply whilst succumbing to accompanying disease, before we killed and ate them all.

Nowadays it's bloody well impossible to enjoy a tender butter-roasted Dodo...

not to mention that a proper Gentlemen can no longer even enjoy a pleasant afternoon bagging a Thylacine ?!

pity.

That being said, we in the modern world have taken responsibilty for the missteps of our ancestors and developed an inexhaustable supply of frankencritters on huge factory farms....
 so why can't those foreigners figure it out?

We want to be able to enjoy hunting and photographing the exotic animals on safari in our far off lands and if these foreigners wish to continue sharing our planet, then they must stop eating our animals and especially our furiends.
My Word!