WHAT IF ONE DAY
= 8.6 Million Years?
This is an older post that I wanted to rewrite and then thought meh?
















Since nobody that I know of can really grasp the concept of one million years we need to transfer to units of time that we can recognise, a LIFESCALE such as this hastily, scribbled, graph above that you can click on...as if that will help?

OK, pretend that it is midnight on January 1st.
ONE SECOND=100 Years

DECEMBER 31 (Yesterday)
11:59:59 p.m. (1900s) I was born less than a half second ago just after the computer and nuclear weapons

11:59:58 (1800s) 2 seconds ago you could shake hands with Charles Darwin, Abe Lincoln and Karl (not Groucho) Marx

11:59:57 (1700s) Napoleon Bonapetite wants to rule the world and Ben Franklin invents the lightning rod & the Constitution

11:59:56 (1600s) great play Shakespeare or whoever wrote all of his stuff,

11:59:55 (1500s) Henry the 8th redefines the messy divorce and
Copernicus flips the universe around

11:59:54 (1400s) Six seconds ago America is rediscovered by Europeans who are unaware that Asians walked across and had been there for atleast three minutes!
Johann (not Steve) Gutenberg invents the printing press and the original renaissance man, Leonardo (not Di Caprio) Da Vinci invents pretty much everything except the internet, which of course Al Gore did back at 11:59:59.

We're now way back to 11:59:10 (3,000 BC)
some 50 seconds ago people started rewriting, I mean recording history.

ONE MINUTE=6,000 Yrs
DECEMBER 31st
11:58 about 2 minutes ago Civilisation began where it will probably end, in Mesopotamia 10,000 BC
11:53 Homo Sapiens reach present form of arrested development hurrah!
11:35 25 minutes ago Homo Sapiens began leaving our universal mother, Mitochondrial Eve in Africa to conquer the Earth.


ONE HOUR=360,000 Years
and it's still only DECEMBER 31st

10:40 pm Homo Escapeons start using fire and some of our oldest ancestors like erectus popped up at 8:53 pm and habilis hobbled around 1 pm.



Well, that's the end of DAY ONE/8.6 Million Years ago, so today is only DECEMBER 30



ONE WEEK=60.5 Million Years
DECEMBER 24th It was not a very merry christmas eve for the Dinosaurs because they all died today, poor things had only been here since Dec 6th. Mammals have been scurrying about underfoot since Dec 8th getting ready to replace dinosaurs.
NOVEMBER... we can see reptiles, amphibians, insects, plants and fish introduced. A very busy month for life on Earth.
OCTOBER... crustaceans and starfish rule the world.
SEPTEMBER... we're down to jellyfish and then just algae and protozoa.


JANUARY 1st One Year Ago...we're back to viral life.
The Earth cooled down about 4 months earlier in SEPTEMBER and the Sun has been around since JULY *btw The Sun is estimated to fizzle out in another year and a half from when you started. The Galaxy has been around for about two years and the Big Bang banged two years before that.



So the Earth started two years ago in SEPTEMBER
and homo sapiens appeared in the last minutes of DECEMBER
There have been mass extinctions on December 7, 9, 24, and 28!

So I'd say that we are way overdue for the next Extinction Level Event!

Whether a natural or manmade catastrophe finally terminates our lease, you can bet your assets that there won't be any people around to watch the Sun implode a year and a half from now.

I hope this helps.

5,000 KM's Later

I just got back from a 5,000 Kilometre (Kanadian Miles) excursion from Whateverpeg to Vancouver and back...

and I tried ingesting Red Bull to stay awake but bleccchh!

Along the way I saw Grizzly Bears,

Sasquatch,

but the best part was driving though the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

I paddled in Lake Louise,

did Lunch in Banff,

and totally nerded out at the Royal Tyrell (DINOSAUR!!!!) Museum,

and the Vancouver Aquarium

...all fabulous!

There are 600 pics to go through, granted most of them are texbook 'Touristo Shots', but someday I should be able to stitch together a semi-coherent travelogue.

At night I would settle my nerves with a few Rumskies and watch the O-frickin-lympics in a Motel.

I'll start visiting tomorrow but my brain hurts because I got home at 3 a.m. so things are still fuzzy..

and I still feel like I'm moving.

A LONG RATHER TEDIOUS RANT ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
*sigh

GELOTOPHOBIA is the debilitating fear of being laughed at and apparently affects 30% of the Human population..HA!


I'd say that with the exception of Comedians, Cartoonists, and a few Writers & Bloggers, that the percentage is closer to 99%.
Gelotophobia is also at the very heart of Political Correctness...

which I view as a form of Orwellian Newspeak and blatant coercion which is used to silence free speech and extinguish an open discussion amongst people with ((gasp)) differing points of view!

I watched an interview with ART SPIEGELMAN the creator of MAUS and he spoke openly about the need to protect free speech. He reminded me of how ridiculous and dangerous the Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy was.

Now I understand why people are terrified of having their religion examined, they don't want any investigation of their belief system that might prove how improbable the basic tenets are..not only that nobody likes being wrong or laughed at..the Gelotophobia thingamabob. It is rude to make fun of another's decision to believe but GOD or whoever or whatever you want to believe gave us this incredible brain for a reason and the least that we can do is use it to verify our reality.

Political correctness prohibits any insinuation that someone else's cosmology might be completely fabricated hooey...unless it is out there like like the modern media whipping boy Scientology. However to be fair, if you think about it, almost every religion relies on the existance of alien beings intervening with the affairs of humans...

I appreciate heavenly bodies as much as the next guy so whatEV?!

Where does that leave Agnostical people like myself who may view all religions as manufactured concoctions of imagination, but think that all hell would break loose if people didn't have these traditional moral governors holding them back from reducing the planet to cinders.

Why is religion off limits? Why does the press wear 'kid gloves' when they follow the Pope and other spiritual leaders around the world?

The most obvious people making fun or questioning such ideologies are Comedians. Oh sure members of religious Group A can make fun of Group B (SPLITTERS!) because only they have the ONE TRUE intergalactic bellhop at their service...this is the root cause of almost every armed conflict on the planet. Let's hear it for tradition HURRAY!

Many leaders like Osama Been Hidin are notorious for being dour sourpusses who take themselves so seriously...they cannot afford to look human or infallible to the chosen. No Jokes.

But most of us tell jokes..and most of us out here are not the general public, I understand that now. Look at the latest edition of the New Yorker and it's mockery of the idiots who try to insinuate falsehoods about the Obamas.

Get it. Most consumers will not even though pundits are feverishly trying to explain it to them. Most Americans interviewd on the telly were upset that their FLAG was burning in the fireplace..*sigh.

What a grand testament to the uber nationalism and patriotism for a country that let's you be all that you can be as long as you don't expect said "country" to take care of you if you get sick or want your kids to waste their time with fancy book learnin' in some fancy schmancy edumacation system.

The f*cking flag was burning..are you kidding me...they don't get it!

Not only that but Obama has to battle old school disciples of victimization like Jesse Jackson and his fellow dinosaurs. Jackson caused a ruckus on TV (the mike is always on Jesse DUH!) for whispering that he wanted to kick Obama in the nuts because Barrack had the cajones to chastise young black men for not stepping up to the duties of fatherhood. Any idiot can impregnate a girl Jesse OOPS I guess that you know that.

cue song;

I'm sorry Mr Jackson but he is fo' reeeeal!

We use jokes to manage our emotions. I recently read that British Sociologist Christie Davies of the International Society for Humor Studies ISHS said that "JOKES, in many ways, are a way of getting around restrictions on what you can say." Restrictions like Political Correctness?

According to WIKI "Humour occurs when;

1 An alternative or surprising shift in perception or answer is given that still shows relevance and can explain a situation.

2 We laugh at something that points out another's errors, lack of intelligence, or unfortunate circumstances; granting a sense of superiority.

3 Sudden relief occurs from a tense situation "humourific" as formerly applied in comedy referred to the interpretation of the sublime and the ridiculous. In this context, humour is often a subjective experience as it depends on a special mood or perspective from its audience to be effective.

4 Two ideas or things are juxtaposed that are very distant in meaning emotionally or conceptually, that is, having a significant incongruity.

Who other than Comedians can say things that we all think but are afraid to say. They are the only people allowed to make fun of the human condition and are exempt from the mindnumbing atrocities of adhering to political correctness.

"A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny."

Comedians, Cartoonists, and a handful of Writers & Bloggers, regularily tackle subjects that would culminate in lawsuits seeking punitive damages for mental anguish, religious declarations inciting the faithful to kill, and awkward moments that usually ruin a dinner party.

Most western governments have adopted the premise that in order to promote equality, they must instate a certain proportion of applicants who may not be the best qualified or deserving, but who represent a desired demographic group under-representated on their ledger. Theoretically this is necessary in order to present the image of a perfectly integrated society...which unfortunately doesn't exist outside the building.

If we were truly gender/colour blind we wouldn't even need to know who filled the position because we could assume that the most appropriate candidate would be chosen on their talent, qualifications, accomplishments, desire, and experience. How bizarre?

Now the notion of improving our meritocracy exists because we Humans have always, always. always, been subjected to the males of the upper ruling class making their own rules and taking care of 'their own' and a few sycophants who ass kiss their way up the ladder...

which ironically is exactly how political correctness operates but atleast everybody has documentation to cover their ass.

Basically we need more Comedians and fewer Politicians.

What if we just tried having the funniest politically incorrect people run things for a while? The funniest person would be President or Prime Minister...

OOPS sorry..y'all just had two terms of that..my Bad!

It would be funny if the handful of people who run our world didn't have the power to actually create laws that protect their dumbass schemes with political correctness.

Do any of you remember a time since the sixties when real change seemed possible?

QUEST FOR MIRE

It is with a heavy heart that I review 10,000 BC. the first "event' film of 2008.

Imagine if you crammed all of the 'kewl' parts of ONE MILLION YEARS BC, QUEST FOR FIRE, APOCALYPTO, THE FIFTH ELEMENT, and the THE LOST WORLD, into one goofy movie!

Well forget it, the Director of Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, Roland Emmerich, already has and he didn't call it The Day Before Tomorrow, he called it

10,000BC

Now as many of you know I am obssessed with Evolutionary Anthropsychology so nobody wanted this film to succeed more than I did. As a diehard Darwinian I am always on the lookout for anything that will help us get in touch with our collective past. I had really-really-really, big, hopes for this film but now that Hollywood caters to 16 year old boys, I should have known better.

The problem is that the DISCOVERY CHANNEL has spoiled us rotten with amazing, breath taking, visual reconstructions of prehistoric life such as the WALKING WITH BEASTS Series. So what the Makers of 10,000 BC forgot, is that the general public has come a long way since 1967 when audiences were asked to suspend their disbelief while a fur bikini clad Raquel Welch ran away from claymation Dinosaurs in One Million Years BC.

Even though Canada's Minister of Public Safety is on record as stating that he believes that Humans and Dinosaurs intermingled, the rest of us have come to terms with the evidential explanation that the two species were separated by 63 Million Years. Sorry Mr. Jetski, but the Flinstonian version of history is a myth and Noah's Floody didn't kill off the Dinosaurs.

Not that there are any Dinosaurs chasing people in 10K BC...wait a minute yes there are there.. the psychotic Velostriches.

I know that it's just an Action/Adventure movie but

come on...

The pretty boy Protagonist and his tribe dwell in the snow covered Alpine Meadows several thousand feet above Sea Level yet somehow don't need to wear 'shirts'? That doesn't say much for modern Mountaineering Nancies who need to bundle up like Astronauts exploring Pluto.

Sticking to the time honored plot of having a messianic protagonist on his quest to rescue his kidnapped 'Juliet' he singlehandidly saves all of mankind.

OK fair enough. I'll be your Huckleberry.

Our pretty boy hero and his shirtless tribe, were just minding their own business EEKING out a living by hunting 'scaredy cat' Mammoths (the size of apartment blocks) by simply crawling into the middle of the herd with big, pointy, sticks and scaring them. BOO!

After the Slavers steal his gal (Apocalypto), our hero and his ragtag posse are on their crusade (Quest For Fire) and somehow manage to walk from Europe to South America in a few days.

Within seconds they are attacked by Terror Birds (Lost World) depicted as 16 foot tall Giant Killer Swamp Chickens on Crack.

In reality these prehistoric monsters were infill predators who ruled the roost during the post-Dinosaur era before the ascension of the killer Mammals like the Sabre Toothed Cats which migrated to South America and ate them.

Next our hero and his posse walk for a few more days and end up on the African Savannah WTF? where he encounters and befriends a Sabre Tooth Cat the size of a Rhinoceros! Nice Kitty.

A few, more, miles down the road and now we're in Egypt (HUH) where they encounter the advanced Humans (could they be Aliens?/Fifth Element) who are starting to build the Pyramids about 7,000 years ahead of schedule. Hmm.

Not only that but they have domesticated those 'pussy' Mammoths and forced them to pull the building blocks up the ramps of the Pyramids. Somebody call PETA!

Our poor hero's tribe don't even have frickin' Dogs!

I won't ruin the whole thing but stick with Quest For Fire and try to ignore the outrageous depiction of the motley Apemen who try to steal their Attra (Fire).

In reality Ten Thousand BC is generally regarded as the benchmark point in History heralding the advent of The Agricultural Revolution that allowed us to abandon the risky, hand to mouth existance of Hunting and Gathering.

From this point forward we exponentially screwed up our lives by developing Cities, Religions, Day Trading, Nuclear Weapons, and Telemarketing.

If you want to learn about History you had best stick with the Discovery Channel.

I leave with some advice for any future Hollywood Directors who are planning on making Prehistoric Epics.

Please listen carefully to the lyrics in The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang...

"You and me baby

ain't nuthin' but mammals

so let's DO IT like they do

on the Discovery Channel."

DUMBNIVORES?
To be an Omnivore means more than being bi-gastronomically orientated (plants and animals) it literally means that you will eat anything. It is a rather select group considering that not many of the 1.6 million species that we’ve listed so far, choose to eat anything.

Omnivores that come to mind include crabs, pigs, bears, crows, seagulls, chickens, chimps, monkeys, foxes, humans and of course Raccoons.

My nocturnal yard marauder just waddled down my boardwalk. His name is Orson Smells because he is a rotund Raccoon who reminds me of the late Orson Welles.

Poor Orson huffs and puffs when he walks. I could hear him splashing in our little pond in the backyard. We stared at each other through the window screen until he sighed and made reluctantly made his way to the gate. He has such a time trying to hoist his huge, furry, butt through the dog head shaped hole in our gate that I had made for our old canine friend Jack.

I made it so that Jack could poke his head through this fence and actually see what was going on outside the yard. This would alleviate some of the stress of guarding his turf and he didn’t need to bark as often.

Now that Jack is no longer with us, Orson and the other Raccoons use thes hole as a gateway into our yard. This procedure was child’s play for the four young Raccoons that rambled about last night but poor Orson sounds like he is going to blow an artery when he squeezes through it.

Raccoons and Humans are both classified as omnivores but we are certainly built differently. 200 million years ago we mammals all started out from prototypical reptiles that exchanged scales for hair and adapted to a nocturnal existence to take advantage of the solar powered Dinosaurs that were out of commission at night. Let’s face it, the Raccoon still looks like your basic mammal.

Anthropologists speculate that our ancestors may have built a bigger brain by supplementing their main diet of plants with occasional feasts of meat. We know that Chimpanzees, who share 98% of our DNA, regularly organize hunting expeditions to prey upon Monkeys. Chimps and Humans split up about 8 million years ago but Chimps still have those huge scary teeth. We don’t have those huge canines anymore.

Our evolutionary journey involved growing a bigger brain, becoming bipedal, partially to free up our hands, and our mouths seem to have evolved to accommodate language more than eating. Our big brain freed us from retaining killer teeth because we probably learned from scavenging carrion from brushfires, that tenderized meat was easier to chew. Fast forward a few million years and we learned how to manage fire to cook our prey items, which I am told, we have been doing for at least one quarter of a million years.

If most of us had to actually kill something in order to eat, most of us would probably starve to death. Dazzling urbanites like myself might be able to get semi-prehistoric if we were lost in a forest after a plane crash, but for the most part we modern humans, homo escapeons, are eternally grateful that we are 100% removed from ‘processing’ live animals into the packaged goods that we purchase at the market.

Personally I abhor modern factory farming tedhniques. I can somehow justify being omnivorous by imagining that some of these processed animals live semi normal lives out in a sun-soaked farm being lovingly tended to by some wholesome, Midwestern, Family. I am afraid that this is certainly no longer the norm, but the image persists thanks to children’s books.

Truth be told most of the domesticated animals that we have dragged along for 12,000 years would only survive for a few days if left on their own. Most of these manufactured mutants require constant human supervison and frequent veterinarian assistance just to survive in captivity. The qualities that allow animals in the wild to be successful are the opposite of what humans require from them.

I remember watching a program on a Cattle Farmer who risked his own life to search for lost calves in a blizzard. This guy knew these animals inside and out. He knew when they had stomach problems and he knew what to do about it. He sincerely cared for them and made them as comfortable, safe ,and content as possible, but at the same time understood where they were headed.

Which brings us back to Orson Smells.
He is trying to fatten up for the coming Winter Months and obviously he is doing a fantastic job. I know that he is primarily eating garbage because it is so easy for him to rip open the bags with those marvelous little paws. Orson is still living the way that all wild animals have been since Life on Earth began.

However it occurred to me that dazzling urbanites like myself, are as mutant as the processed creatures that we now rely upon for food. Most of the humans in my part of the world use their little paws to overstuff ourselves with garbage too. Come to think of it, we aren’t really using our big brains all that much or exercising our bipedal abilities either. I can relate to Orson's dietary perversion although he is a real Omnivore.
I'm what you could taxanomically label as a Dumbnivore.

ERRORIST THREAT LEVEL IS NOW RED!

Homeland Errorists have declared Jihoke (Holey War) on Reason and Modern Science. This is part of the cultural war being waged between Archeologists and Noah'sArkeeologists!


Two Creation Science Museums opening this spring are threatening to deal a fatal blow to the tedious and ridiculously scientificky School Science Curriculums in North America.

Finally Evolution, Darwinism, Empirical Science, and Reason, those nagging millstones that refuse to leave the secular morass of our Education System, will finally be destroyed and tossed into the dustbin of History!

These superb Museums, modern monuments to Intelligent Design or Errorism, will prove once and for all of time, the absolute, unquestionable*, historical, authenticity of the Bible from the title page and all the way to the back where all of the maps are.
*no seriously you do not want go there.

The CREATIONSCIENCEMUSEUM
opens May 28th in Kentucky, USA, and the
BIGVALLEYCREATIONSCIENCEMUSEUM
on June 5th in Big Alberta, Canada.

WOOT!

Finally the Creationists are determined to present the irrefutable evidence of a 6,000 year old Earth and end all of this tomfoolery and crazytalk about us changing from monkeys.

Don’t believe me? See for yourself!
Travel back in time back to the Garden of Eden and witness with your very own two eyes how the first two people on Earth walked around with Dinosaurs just like they did on the Flinstones.

Don’t worry about the young ones gawking at completely nekked Adam & Eve (ew gross!) their tastefully hidden naughty bits have been removed for your convenience.

Trace the astounding discovery of a direct lineage of the British Royal Family all the way back to Adam. It is right there in black in white!

Hey wait a minute..
How did Noah get a breeding pair of Diplodocus, which measured 90 feet in length and weighed approximately 16tons each, on to the Arky Ark?

(Singalong if you know it)

You got 16 tons and what do you get?
2 Diplodocus onboard and an instant shipwreck!

It was a trick question!
Did you forget that all of the Dinosaurs died in the flood ya silly goose!

What do you do when opportunity knocks and you can’t beat ‘em?
Join ‘em!
What do you do when History gives you Lemons?
Make Lemonade!

My son and I decided that we should start our very own Youseeum Museum before these other Museums put the nail in the coffin of Reason and Science.
We are going to make $BILLION$!

We began creating our display and we have a lot of catching up to do but as you can see we are trying to incorporate a ‘groovier’ more modern sort of ‘vibe’ in our interpretation.

I never realized how satisfying and downright 'godlike' it was to tinker with History until we began constructing our main exhibit titled
WHAT THE?

(If you think that you can handle the truth click on it)

Yes these are heady days for those of us in the Time Travel Tourism Industry. Our Grand Opening will be Tomorrow around noon because Ridz has school in the morning.
Be there or be square,and don't forget to tell all of your friends.


It is 2007 isn't it?
I thought that church would be more like this www.churchofreality.org by now.

PEE = MC2

Einstein said that TIME slows down the faster that you travel. I can prove that this also happens the faster that you try to pee.

He discovered that Energy was equal to mass times the speed of light squared, with the speed of light (186,000 miles per second) as a constant in a vacuum such as outer space or in my instance, during an awkward situation in a bathroom that was as disturbing as it was terrifying.

Several years ago while visiting a cousin I was eventually forced to make my way upstairs to use the facilities after ingesting several cocktails. I had been avoiding Nature’s Call for over an hour because he had a huge, male, Iguana, the size of a Komodo Dragon, scampering about the premises.

I don’t know about you but the thought of a Dinosaur scurrying across the floor (click-click-click-click) made my testicles retract up into my throat. EEEWWW!

I felt relatively safe being near my cousin but I had serious doubts about my personal safety should we ever be separated.
By the time my back teeth were floating I knew that my date with destiny was upon me. When the T-Rex rambled off into the Kitchen I bolted up the stairs and slammed the door behind me. WHEW!

As I eased my John Thomas out to mitirate I was suddenly overcome by the creaking of the door hinges…what followed was like a scene out of Jurrasic Park.

They know how to open doors!

I watched in horror as the gigantic scaly head pushed the door wide open and scurried up to the base of the sink (click-click-click-click) NOOOOO!!

My heart was now pumping adrenaline and I started to feel feint. I gazed into those blank, reptilian eyes as my stream slowed down until it had reached a strobe light sort of spurting..(squirt….squirt)

I am positive that I screamed out loud like a small child as the Velociraptor leapt up and onto the vanity right next to me and my seriously overexposed and vulnerable willy.

‘Find a happy place’

Then the creature began to focus on my weiner that had now started to involuntarily shrink and retract into what was now obviously a tantalizing easily bite-sized morsel.

Suddenly my will to live kicked in. Three Billion years of evolutionary instinct began pushing my prostate into hyperspeed…GO GO GO!! What happened next is beyond describing. Time stopped and yet my rate of pee had turned to a blur. Einstein was right.

I watched the entire thing from above exactly as those out of body experiences are described. I could see the monster staring at my pickle while I was whizzing at warp 10.
3...2....1 DONE!

There was no way in hell that I was going to risk washing my hands with the Komodo languishing in the sink so in a single motion I pivoted, twisted through the doorway in midair and then flung myself down to the bottom of the stairs. With my zipper now mercifully secured and my precious little package safe in the arms of my Levis, my heart rate went back down to about that of a scared Hummingbird.

Does anybody else feel weird when 'pets' watch you go to the bathroom?