I recently had the opportunity to peruse the hyperbolic pages of old American Hunting Magazines.
I became obssessed with a recurring segment known as This Happened To Me which are illustrated accounts of "Sporting Outdoorsmen" who survived being attacked by uppity wild animals.
I love the dramatic comic styling and the underlying implication that Hunting is a dangerous activity and only the manliest of men can participate.
Some of the attacks were apparently unprovoked. Thank goodness his buddy had a gun in his sleeping bag.
To be fair, even the most Disneyfied members of PETA would want to have a huge arsenal of firearms at their side if they met up with a Bear in the wild. ..
and who amongst us wouldn't expect huge multicellular "game", especially 1800 pound herbivores like Elk, to fight back against Hunters if they are provoked, wounded or having a bad day.
The most common "perp" was our ancient competitor the "other" omnivore, the Bear. Actually there is another omnivore the Boar, but they are related to bears anyway that's why the genders of both are called Boars and Sows but I'm getting sidetracked.
Imagine the audacity of a lowly dumb animal eatin' Human Men!
We've been going at each other for hundreds of thousands of years.
You'd expect a 1,000 pound Bear to eat whatever it wants right?
Being attacked by a Cougar isn't surprising either...
or a poisonous Snake.
How many of you realised that big brown eyed Bambi can attack people! Well they can, especially during the mating season when the Bucks are so horny that they lose their minds...
actually they aren't horny they have antlers but the distinction might be lost on you if you were being impaled :)
Have you ever imagined being attacked by an ill tempered Badger? Sure why not?
Hippo? Absolutely Hippos kill more humans in Africa than any other animal..except Mosquitos.
How about getting rammed by a Dolphin?
Rabid Otter?
Feral dogs? Under the right circumstances even the lazy-ass family pet can revert to a savage wolf-like monster and hunt people. This hunter became the hunted and was forced to take-0ut killer hounds that have tasted blood when a pack treed him.
The best (worst) story was the too scary to even contemplate. I can't imagine how terrified this guy was when he and his three Beagles were attacked by a black hare. Shades of Monty Python's Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog in the Holy Grail.
Have a lash at this action-packed heart-stopping imagery!
Instead of "scaring the pants off him", it scared the shirt off him...I said shirt by the way. They did a fantastic job of creating the illusion that shooting wascally wabbits is not for wussies. HA!
Rabid otters? Are you sh*tting me, Donn?! Those drawings remind of that docu-film by Werner Herzog called, 'Grizzly Man.' About that nut who went out to live with bears and ended up getting eaten. I remember the bit when you see Werner Herzog listening to the tapes of the bloke getting eaten by a bear. He advised that nobody else should listen to the tapes.
ReplyDeleteAh!My head is spinning now,too many informations!Interesting post!
ReplyDeleteNow what about squirrels?I had an ex who was scared of squirrels!Yes,no wonder why it didn't work out,lol :D
I have never been attacked by nor have I seen a wild animal. I live in England.
ReplyDeleteErrr I think that last one came from one of your homoerotic mags Donn.
ReplyDeleteI heard a terrible noise going on in my downstairs bathroom one day. I didn't dare investigate until it finished. The evidence from the claw marks in the plaster, the ripped curtains and the footprints outside pointed to a curious badger finding his way in through the open window and getting caught up in the curtains before escaping.
Yes, there is the hyperbole but there is also the other side. I remember when they showed such lovely shots of WM Shatner and the "smart(they are all smart to me)" gorilla, Koko. Saying Shatner & Koko were friends. Sure. Years later he said the minute she saw him Koko grabbed his balls and the handler said Koko wants you to go into her bedroom. He said he was terrified. LOL. I don't think he and Koko were friends, it was more of a rape situation. ~Mary
ReplyDeletei'll be laughing to myself all day about this, sugar! xoxox
ReplyDeleteMy modest proposal is that hunters hunt hunters. Well, there is that -- it's called war. But hunters really aren't looking for a fair fight, are they?
ReplyDeleteWater Moccasins??? Better than Crocs, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteSx
EMERSON MARKS
ReplyDeleteI have written a few posts on Grizzly Man (look under Bears) and what fascinates me is how long the Grizzly/Brown Bears tolerated a that idealistic surfer-dude.
I've always said that this show was more about how great Bears are and how stupid people are.
It would have been a 30 second documentary if he had tried to live amongst Polar Bears...
which evolved from Grizzly/Browns but live in a food-free environment so they attack and eat anything that moves.
CANDIE
My Good-Lady-Wife has a brother who was attacked by a pissed-off Squirrel which was trapped in the veranda.
I won't name names because it isn't something that any manly-man would want the public to know about. I'll bet that he screamed like a little girl the entire time :)
VICUS
Sadly that is an accurate account because there aren't any native multicellular creatures raoming the English countryside that would tip a scale over 10 pounds! Your Anglysche predecessors prolly "offed" the last wild British Bear around the time that John was signing the bloody Magna Carta :)
The Blue-Bloods prolly need to import the Foxes that their Beagles tear apart while they sip sherry.
LULU
HAHAHA! Why oh why oh why does that Dude have his shirt off but he still has his snowshoes on? What was he about to do? I think that you're on to something..where is the object of his affection?
It proves that men cannot multitask.
FRANKandMARY
HAHA aah the Shat..he is a national treasure..one of my all-time favorite Canadians! Koko would have loved our little rolly-polly Shatman..he is built like an ape. A classic mesomorph. He prolly had to wear a girdle during his Star Trek days.
Koko good ape. Me love Koko :)
SAVANNAH
You had better lock y'er doors and stay inside until all the varmits has commenced to vacate the area and wait a minute..they don't even hibernate in your neck of the woods do they? You are under constant threat? You poor thing :(
you need to move further North to get away from those little monsters!
HAI XL
More Hunters are prolly killed by other Hunters than by wild animals. I was googling all the trophy poses..you know some accountant sitting on a huge f*cking dead moose or cape buffalo. Wow..you killed it with a high-powered rifle while you were hiding 100 yards away!
Now that all the natural predators have been killed by hunters...the Deer population has exploded and studies sponsored by hunters...
show that in areas where hunting is banned, that people start getting killed by driving into deer with their cars :)
SCARLS
I regret having my picture taken with the "crocs" in plain view...but they are so comfortable!
Honestly, I don't wear them out of the yard if that is any consolation..
no eh?
I regret having my picture taken with the "crocs" in plain view...but they are so comfortable!
ReplyDeleteYou’ll regret it even more if you visit my blog today.
Crikey!! I'm not manly enough to fight rabbits. Oh, wait - I'm smart enough to realize they're freaking HARMLESS no matter what I'm wearing (or not) on my chest.
ReplyDeleteWTF??? Donn you have to stop reading these hunter porn mags.
However - it did make me guffaw so I suppose it's all right this time.
Oh man, maybe rabbits are harmless, but squirrels are not, they bite! (Or is it only when you want to steal their nuts?)
ReplyDeleteIf your hunting dog is afraid of a bunny rabbit, I got news for you: That dawg don't hunt!
ReplyDeleteIt's time to get a new huntin' dawg!
Look, some of them critters are just asking to be shot! Once upon a time, I stopped for gas in West Texas late one night. I had just started to enter the highway again, when I noticed this deer on the other side of road, stare me down, then lowered it's head and started running across the highway towards my car! Luckily, my old Ford Tempo was faster than that crazy deer!
It was an unprovoked attack! I hope someone shot that bastard and mounted him on wall somewhere!
Maybe those bears had a clause in the film rights? You're right, it was quite unbelievable that he wasn't torn to pieces the first time he got anywhere near a bear.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird to read this today when I was just this morning thinking that, once upon a time, it would never have occurred to me to take any form of defense out into the woods. Now, with all the urban bear scares here, it just seems like a wise idea. Does that mean I'll become a Republican American next?
ReplyDeleteWhen I lived in Alaska, I used to hike in the mountains and I carried my trusty Walther PPKs, not for Bears, which it would piss off at best, but for me, in case I surprised one of these bruins and I needed a quicker out than one pissed off bear was willing to give.
ReplyDeleteI hv imagined being attacked by an ill-tempered HUMAN, and yes that has even happened to me. LOL!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
H'EMJZAY
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely surprise fashion outting..welcome home :)
Are they really that bad? Really??
TIDALGIRRRRL
HA! You have to admit that the rabbit-cong illustration is out of control :)
It is beyond ridiculous and well into the Rush Limpblah realm of consciousness.
LENI
Ooh la-la! You don't want to find yourself caught in between a Squirrel and his nuts..much worse than a Mother Bear and her cubs :)
Mr SWINGS
Oh Deer! Aren't you glad that you were in a car? Anything that crazy deserves to be mounted on a hood.
I've heard that crazy-ass Bucks will gore a Doe if she spurns his advances..
((*audible gasp))
see, that would be enough for even an all female PETA jury to vote guilty and summarily fill his ass with buckshot.
EMERSON
Well when there is plenty of food around the Bears aren't as aggressive and some scrawny blonde Dude isn't much of a threat to even a two year old Bear :)
It was an intriguing premise for a show even if it was a recipe for disaster..
most of us instinctively know better than to push our luck like that..it was just dumb.
ANDREA
Bear Spray. Unless you can outrun the nearest Human you need Bear Spray and a whistle or a 30.06.
Bear in mind that Bears can keep up to a horse for a quarter mile and run up a tree. Griz usually just whack you around but a Black urbanized Bear may try to eat you.
I'd be more concerned about Cougars but then again I'm prolly too old for them now :(
ALEX PENDRAGON
HAHA I hear ya! Even if you had a rifle that is one helluva thick skull charging at you at 35 mph..
a bullet could glance of that sucker.
I've been told that you need to break a shoulder or leg first so that you can make the second shot count. Very scary stuff. I'd want a .50 cal mounted on my tank if I was goin' for a walk in Alaska.
Bye Bye Governor Palin :)
KESHIROO
I'll bet you have beauty is a curse. I hope that you have a cute pink Taser in your purse. A well positioned jolt of 50,000 volts resolves a lot of potential conflicts.
They put a lot of work into those drawings don't they...
ReplyDeleteSo how come the hare is running away?
One of my chickens pecked my toe this morning, luckily I kept my shirt on and didn't frighten the postman!
ReplyDeleteANGEL
ReplyDeleteDamn your logic Spock! Just pretend that the Hare knocked that Dude over so fast that those dawgs never knew what happened.
ZIGGI
No way! And yet you lived to tell your story..how much is the Daily Mirror paying you for your story? Can they tie it in with Michael Jackson somehow?
"Keep your shirt on" is a Yankee phrase used to quell impatience. Does your Mailman have a camera on his cellphone? Prolly...you'd have been on Youtube by lunchtime :)
you had me at man eating deer.
ReplyDeletei too enjoy the eating of man. i prefer the soul and/or pocket book of the man but will take whatever the kindly tooth fairy will grant me.
They are hilarious! I hope he didn't shoot the dolphin though. That would be terribly politically incorrect.
ReplyDeleteNice blog.
Have you seen the movie Bruno?
ReplyDeleteIt shows that the manliest of hunting men can cope with a wild bear but not with a naked gay waking them up at night and saying "A bear ate my clothes and all I have left is this condom - can I sleep in your tent?"
MY PSYCHO EX GF
ReplyDeleteTell it Sistah! TELL IT!
Nothing on the carcass should go to waste...everything in the Great Circle of Sh*t gets recycled :)
THE MAN AT THE PUB
Yes KILL KILL KILL. The only good varmit is a dead one:) What better way to enjoy the miracle of 3 billion years of evolutionary tinkering than to put a huge slab of molten metal into the aorta of a beautiful creature...it's beautiful..I'm a little verklempt.
EMMA :)
Ich kant vait! Dahlink I haff been vaiting fur Bruno fur MONZ und MONZ und MONZ!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhfU2bObUZQ
Gosh, I may never sleep well again! LMAO
ReplyDeleteI was sexed up by a Cougar once and I think I suffer from hyperbolics.
ReplyDeleteI saw this documentary last night about a giant gator in Africa it nearly killed yer aussie guy from prison break, imagine getting out of jail and getting ate by a gator.
Hmmm... you know... I may buy a pair of Crocs to see what all the fuss is about... and they do look like a welcome relief from sling-backs..
ReplyDeleteSx
You will do no such thing, Miss Scarlet!
ReplyDelete"It's coming right for us!
ReplyDeleteIt's come to my attention that deerhunters in fact rarely shoot themselves in the head. Shameful. But Dick Cheney - whoa.
ReplyDeleteSPIRIT OF OWL: Please email me.
ReplyDeleteMy email address is in my Blogger Profile.
Franconian wildlife is totally different from this, it's "old Europe" you know.
ReplyDeleteThey do woolly mamouth crocs as well...
ReplyDeleteSx
You gotta have serious karma problems to get attacked by a dolphin!
ReplyDelete