HISTORICAL or HYSTERICAL
(‘dem bones ‘dem bones gonna walk-aroun’)

I regard viewing the documentary
THE JESUS FAMILY TOMB as pure theatre.

This latest expedition/exhibition proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even now in the 21st Century, far too many people are unwilling to engage in a civil discussion about the Historical aspects of their Beliefs.

A perfect example is this much maligned documentary that ponders the possibility that a tomb discovered in Jerusalem may contain the remains of Jesus of Nazareth and several members of his family.

The show will be telecast this Sunday, March 4th, on the Discovery Channel.

Author Simcha Jacobovici and Director James (Titanic) Cameron seem to have opened up a doctrinal ‘can of worms’.

This film details the discovery of several ossuaries

(burial bone box)

that are inscribed with the names of a certain Yeshua bar Yosef (Jesus son of Joseph), two variants of Mary, a child, Yehuda bar Yeshua (Judah son of Jesus) and a brother of Jesus. Jesus is the Greek form of the Hebrew name Yeshua which we would translate as Joshua.

The Producers availed the big brain of a Mathematician who calculated through the alchemy of statistical analysis, that the odds of finding another tomb containing that many people with the exact names corresponding to the famous first family, are astronomical.

I am disappointed that the Producers didn’t summon the services of Gus Grissom and the ‘CSI Jerusalem’ crew to settle the nagging question of Jesus’ divinity once and for all.

In this very special episode titled ‘Co-inky-dink?’ the forensic magi of CSI would solve this two thousand year old mystery in exactly one hour (including commercials).

By extracting DNA samples from everyday items such as the SHROUD OF TOURISM, Gus and his crew would nonchalantly solve this murder mystery case (yawn) using basic Empirical Scientific Wizardry and about $5 Billion worth of computers.

You can almost taste the irony!

Just like the DaVinci Code, the Jacobovici Code will be settled once and for all by magically connecting all the dots in the swanky CSI superhero headquarters..and all in the last five minutes of the program.
Next Case Please.

I suppose that the implications of Yeshua bar Yosef having had a mortal burial (and ‘heaven forbid’ a family) are problematic for the Proprietors of Christianity and all of its Subsidiaries.

Nothing stirs the fervor of the uber-faithful like someone trespassing against them. Any questions, whether sincere or irreverent, are taken as an affront to their Hubris, I mean their Pride, D’oh, Integrity!

Why are attempts to establish an open and honest debate regarding scientific or historical evidence of so many Religions confronted with such extreme prejudice and utter revulsion. Are matters of Faith simply beyond the comprehension of unbelievers? Why isn’t authenticity important?

I imagine that this latest incident will only separate the ‘sheep from the chaff’ and that any sincere analysis of a ‘historical’ Jesus will always be swept away in a tsunami of rhetoric.

No doubt there will be renewed threats of eternal damnation hurled from pulpits around the world this Sunday Morning for any potential backsliders who are thinking of watching the program.

Oh well, perhaps such a discussion could take place in another hundred years or so when there are only a handful of humans left to argue about it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17343263/Director
Defending Jesus Burial Tomb

http://www.beyondchron.org/articles/

Is_Jesus_Buried_in_Jerusalem__4240.html

AN OSCAR SPEECH DAYDREAM

Jane Fonda:
“and the Oscar for best original screenplay goes to…
Donn Coppens for Comment Deleted!”

(applause/laughter after I do a couple of
Jack Palancian one arm pushups)

“Whew!..
OK..
Wow..
Thank You SO much!
I know that I only have a minute..I have to thank Ridley Scott for his brilliant ability to bring this to life on the big screen...and the cast..the crew..I loved every minute that I spent on the set..except for shooting the shark scenes at night
(laughter)
I don't know how many times I said 'we're gonna need a bigger boat'
(laughter)
actually Ridley I was thinking that the Director would use computer generated sharks in that scene when I wrote it
(laughter)
anyway now we know for certain that Leo can not only walk on water but I saw him actually RUN on water!
(laughter/applause)


They say that you should write about what you know and this story was basically writing down absolutely EVERYTHING that I know…or could google
(laughter)
so I’m glad that you liked it..
(laughter)
and since I don't know about anything else I guess I'm pretty much done,
short and sweet.. like me...
what a ride!
(laughter/applause)

I need to thank Chris Cariou, Yes Len is his uncle,
(polite laughter) for nagging me until I started writing this thing
and of course to all of my Blogging friends who kept encouraging me to write.

This is for all of you tapping away out there day after day…month after month…sharing your lives, being vulnerable, discussing issues, staying informed, telling jokes, this story is you and me and what it means to be interconnected in the 21st century.

Like all of you I’ve always loved movies.
I think that they are the most amazing way to teach, explore and entertain… maybe even better than Blogging!
(polite laughter)

Oh boy there is my first warning...
OK I realize that I’ll never get the chance to talk to one billion people again so I better not waste it..I did write a few notes...

The human experience is all about experiencing other humans, and this story proved that we can do that in all sorts of different ways,
but we are running out of time and we need to forget about the differences that we have created and focus on how much more we have in common.
(polite applause)


Oh crap they are giving me the signal to wrap it up…


I need to thank my beautiful children,
Coco, Mish, Spenny and Ridz..((muah))
thank you for being proud of me (clears throat)
even when I had nothing to give you but my love..

And most of all to my dear Alice (sniff)..
for taking a chance on this guy..who was an absolute wreck...(ahem) and during the darkest days of my life...
you took me in to your heart..(sniff)..
and healed me..(blubbering)

I love you sweetie!
(cue music/applause)
Thank You All...HI MOM!"


What would you say?

POOF!

In the single second that it took you to read the title,
somewhere on Earth,
2 people ‘lost’ their lives.

I read somewhere that over 100 people die every minute,
= 6,000 per hour,
= 150,000 per day,
= 56 million per year… and Voila!

By throwing out an incomprehensible number like that it is now a meaningless statistic isn’t it?

Next time that you are at a big sporting event or concert and they announce the attendance, you can mentally divide the crowd to visualize what 6,000 people dying every hour looks like.

Have you ever stood in line at a Bank or tried to renew your Drivers License or Passport?

How many people do they normally process in one hour? It ain’t 6,000!

So let’s face it there is no way St. Peter could possibly handle processing 2 people a second through the Pearly Gates ...

and that my friends is why there are other religions.

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
My Double Life.

As most of you know I am a Stay-at-Home-Dad and I love it!
It has been a fabulous experience but unfortunately it is drawing to a conclusion.
Next year my little guy will be a ‘Big Boy’ ((sigh)) and he will be attending Morning and Afternoon Classes so I will be re-entering the real world.

In the meantime I have been using my gift to make some extra money during the evenings and on weekends. Recently one of the other Moms in his class saw me at my evening job and I am so nervous about her telling the others.
You see I have been living a double life.

I am an exotic dancer.

Before you rush to judgement let me tell you that I don’t ‘mess around’ with any of the clientele. UH-UH No Way!
I love my wife and I told myself that I wouldn't cross the line and that this would only be for a little while. It would be easy to walk away from but the money is great!

Where else can I make $300 bucks a night dancing, which is something that I love to do?
Don’t answer that!

If any of you Ladies have ever been out with the girls to a club you know how crazy it can get and let me tell you my cheeks are so sore when I finally get home in the morning.

Here I am with Thor and Zeus on the Poster. I couldn’t get them to sign waivers so I disguised them.


This hasn’t been easy on my poor wife either. She is a healthy, young, woman with natural appetites. But I am so tired and sick of all the women grabbing and shouting raunchy filth at me that it is the last thing that I want to do!

Sometimes I just need to snuggle!

Anyway the other night one of the other Moms in my Son's Class (we'll call her Cindy) showed up at the show and I nearly died of embarrassment.

I know, I know, that’s just crazy-talk and I should be proud of my gift right.

So she gets totally drunk and hounds me for a lap dance (which I refused) but now she won’t leave me alone and it makes me uncomfortable.

When I bump into her in the school hallway she stares at me like I’m an object..like I'm some piece of meat.

Hey Cindy my eyes are up here! HEL-LO!

Now she has threatened to tell the other Moms what I do at night if I don’t..

you know..

which I won’t!

My oldest sister is one tough broad and she has offered to scare Cindy off, but I’m afraid that my sis will just smack Cindy upside the noggin and then things will really escalate.

I should probably just come clean eh?

You know I didn't ask to have this..this thing UGH!

Why has this blessing turned into such a curse?

OMG! What should I do?

“NOTHING COMPARES"
to '02"

By Shnaved O’Mygawd

(*With all due respect to
His Princely Purpleness & Sinead ‘O’)

It's been seven hours since I shaved my head,

Now the carpet will match the drapes.

I go out every night and schlep all day,

My career has slipped away.

Since Fed-X has been gone I can do whatever I want,

But all I got was tattoo’d.

I can go out climbing into Limos with my legs apart,

But nothing ...

I said nothing can take away these bad reviews?

'Cause no-thing compares ...

To my ca-reer in ’02

It's been so awesome without you here,

I can go out without a thong.

It seems as if nothing can stop my star from falling,

Tell me Madonna,

where did I go wrong?

I should have kept my arms around Justin T,

Why’d I ever trade him in for you?

I went to see Paris and guess what she told me,

Guess what she told me!

She said, girl, you better have fun,

No matter what you do...
You’ll need a puppy too

My ad-vice to you...

Is shave your hoo-hoo

All the ‘flowers’ that you planted Fed-X,

In the back yard.

Got smoked when you went away.

I know that living without my money is sometimes hard,

I’ll be giving it to some other guy...

‘Cause I'-m in despair...

Now I bathe in NAIR so f*%# you

Cogito, ergo blogito

Those of you familiar with the Baconian 6 degrees of separation matrix (the methodology of connecting Kevin Bacon to every other Actor in Hollywood) should be made aware that here in Whateverpeg that ratio is down to about 2 degrees.

For instance back in ’82 a young intern named Leonard_Asper , now the President and CEO of Canwest Global Communications Corp., drove me around in a CKND TV van on shoots and came over to my house for the occasional liquid lunch: a swim in the pool.
I was a TV Writer and Producer and he was on his way to University in the Fall and of course destined to inherit the family business. Today Leonard couldn’t pick me out of a police lineup as our paths rarely seem to cross.

Back in ’94 I watched the Rolling Stones perform while sitting in the elevated comfort of the VIP booth next to the Promoter Sam_Katz . The ‘mystery’ row of seats stamped on our tickets did not exist and an exasperated security guard (Biker) having moved us three times finally escorted my goodladywife and I into the best seats in the house. Seated directly in front of us the opening act..some guy named Colin_James.

It was like a scene out of Forrest Gump!
Although I worked for a Developer who was a close friend of Sam and had met him on several occasions he too would be hard pressed to identify me..Sam Katz is the now the Mayor of Whateverpeg and I don't get down to City Hall very often..

These days the only celebrity who COULD pick me out of a Police Lineup is David Bergen and on Saturday night we sat together and watched our daughters perform at the Senior Professional Dance Program.

Dave, is now a reluctant but bona fide celebrity but back in College during the late 70s Dave was a very quiet, tall, and charming fellow… basically the polar opposite of me.
He doesn’t appear to have changed one iota despite his well deserved success .. and they say that nice guys finish last ((pffft!)).

Anyway last night before, during and after the performance I nattered incessantly to Dave and his lovely wife about Blogging.
As we were departing we speculated about organizing another little reunion with other classmates from Red Reefer Community College. Most of my former classmates are REAL writers and that includes another local celebrity my little buddy Within Without @ Snippets .

OK I’ll wrap this up…
On the way home it occurred to me that I was talking to a REAL writer, an award winning accomplished Author no less, about Blogging as if it was REAL ‘writing’.

As of February 18th I will have been Blogging for exactly one year. HUZZAH!

I told Dave that Blogging was like publishing your own Magazine…completely free to divulge personal information, rant about hobbies, politics, religion, post pictures of your cat or whatever. I also mentioned that the best part about Blogging was getting to know and exchange ideas with other people from every corner of the globe... and all without having to sell a single Ad or answer to an editorial board or publisher.

Now I am not comparing this experience to the art of painstakingly assembling a ‘heart breaking work of staggering genius’ but Blogging can be rewarding and totally fun!
Most of my 315 postings were rubbish but I enjoyed discovering things about myself and meeting sentient beings from points unknown.

I may be placing Descartes before ‘des horse’ but the translation of his famous philosophical statement
“Cogito, ergo sum/I think, therefore I am”
(or as he said,"Je pense, donc je suis") could be updated for the 21st Century to include Blogging

Cogito, ergo blogito which loosley translates to Pig Latin as

Iyay inkthay,

ereforethay Iyay ogblay

I think that Blogging is writing..
don’t you?

MY GRANDFATHERS WERE GRAND

Back in the 60s I lived in a small town and my house

(Train Station) was five minutes away from both sets of Grandparents.

Joseph (Jeff) Coppens left Belgium to make a new life here in Canada. He had a Flemish accent that I adored and the interior of his home was decorated exactly as it would have been back in Brakel, Belgium.

He lived next door to the Catholic Church, rang the church bell on Sunday Mornings, entertained the Priest who lived next door, and his garden was surrounded by the Cemetery.

Jeff always made me (and everyone around him) laugh and feel at ease.

Grandpa Coppens would let me tag along with him when he went to the Convent with libations in hand to entertain the Nuns. I guess Grandma wasn’t too concerned.

I would sit in the corner and watch him send these tipsy gals into fits of hysterical laughter. I wasn’t raised Catholic so I didn’t share the fear and reverence of the Nuns that the other kids had. I remember thinking how great it was to be able to watch Grandpa make people laugh.

I was lucky enough to go back to Belgium with him in the late 70s to see where he came from. I felt completely at home inside his sibling’s homes because they looked exactly like their house back in Fannystelle.
The last time I saw him was shortly after returning from Europe.

Grandpa jumped out of his hospital bed stark naked and begged me to take him home.

He died of emphysema a few days later.

Melvin (Mel) Simonson was my other Grandfather who lived 2 houses away from my other Grandpa!

Can you say Pleasantville.
Mel was a Swedish American who had moved North to farm with his brothers. Grandpa Simonson was the larger than life guy who would stand on a table at a Bonspiel or a Social and tell jokes in between playing his accordion.

Mel had a hilarious laugh, one of those Hee Hee Hee Burt Reynolds type laughs that you don’t expect to hear eminating from someone who could lift a 45 gallon drum into the back of his truck.

I will never ever forget the night that Grandpa was babysitting me..

I was about 6 or 7 and I can reproduce every item in that room. Mel and his buddy Pa were watching the Untouchables on the TV and tossin’ back a few Rye. For whatever reason I jumped up on the coffee table and started impersonating Elliot Ness. Grandpa spit out his drink and started howling.

I kept going..threw everything that I had at him…

I finished him off with my impersonation of a Giraffe running in slow motion..

at which point he fell off of the couch and rolled on the floor holding his sides.

Like my other Grandfather, Mel died shortly after we had all just returned from a big trip to Disneyland in 1968.

I can remember sitting in the car in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and watching my Mom walk across the Hospital parking lot to tell us that Grandpa had died of a Heart Attack.

I was 10 years old.

I like to think that my ‘funny’ DNA comes directly from these two guys. Two different styles but both of them had the same effect on people.

Jeff and Mel probably never knew how much I learned from them…

but I did tell them that I loved them every time I saw them.

I think that is all that my Grandfathers needed to know.

HAPPY/CRAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Saint Valentine was beheaded on February 24, 270 A.D. because he tried to convert the crazy Roman Emperor Claudius.

Claudius was mad at Valentine for secretly marrying Roman soldiers despite his Edict to outlaw marriage ...

because the men didn't want to fight as hard if they had wives and families.

Legend has it that he fell in love with the jailer's daughter and sent her a note on the last day of his life 'from your Valentine'..awww!

Zoom ahead a couple hundred years and the Roman Catholic Church tried to put the kibosh on the Lupercian lottery which was an 800 year old event in which teenagers drew names out of a hat and went on a year long 'date' SCHWING!

Well Pope Gelasius wanted to erase all of these Roman fertility thingamabobs but he knew that February was the Love Month so he invented a new lame-o lottery with St Valentine as the Patron where the lucky winner got to emulate a Saint for year instead of hookin' up with a randy teenager WOOHOO! Obviously the fun part of Valentine's Day eventually won and here we are in Hallmarkville.

Cupid the chubby little nekked cherub with love potion on his arrow tips eventually became the mascot of Valentine's Day because he was the son of Venus, the Roman Goddess of Love and Beauty...she of course is the same Venus who is the source of the term Venereal.

Now we have all heard some corny/cheesy lines from movies like "You Complete Me" and "You Had Me From Hello"...

well my personal favorite is from Up Close And Personal (96) with Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer..

I can almost hear Celine Dion singing

"because you lurrrved me" ...

anyway at the romantic apex Robert tells Michelle that he loves her..

"SO MUCH IT HURTS!"

What is your favorite cheesy line from a movie?

Since my posts have been so alarmingly tedious and nobody is in the mood to discuss the End Of The World why don't we just look at some cute kid pictures...

Here is Ridz.Mishee Mish.Spenny, Coco, and of course

Waaa-thin Waaa-thout

DON'T KNACK IT 'TIL YOU TRY IT!

There are always two sides to every story (three if you count the truth) so perhaps we Infidels need to step back and do a little research before we rush off to die(Rushdie) ..

I mean rush off to judgement about the cost of living under a global PseudoIslamoTerrorist Theocracy that a few Bullys are attempting to install here on Earth.

Take for instance these suicide bombers..

when viewed from the front

EXHIBIT A: these fellows look fairly threatening...

and when viewed from behind

EXHIBIT B: you can see that they feel absolutely terrible because they could not procure a decent shrubbery for the Knights who say NEE!

Now Sharia Law, atleast according to the twisted version of the PseudoIslamoTerrorists, at first glance seems pretty scary to Democratic Eqalitarians.

I mean really, chopping hands off of thieves, 100 lashes for unmarried adulterers and stoning married adulterers Yikes!

Atleast nonconsensentual sex is still OK with as long as

A You have a penis and

B it includes slaves and captured prisoners of war...

that's a relief.

In Afghanistan they crush convicted suspected Criminals* with boulders (*anyone railroaded through fixed trials at local Warlords Tribunals) and in Saudi Arabia (they 'gotcha over a barrel)they prefer beheading. According to an article in Wikipedia in Iran the penal code allows little girls to be hanged as long as they are atleast 9 years old but boys have to be 15 ?

These Merchants of Menace can't understand why the West gets all weirded out by the so-called Insane Barbaric Cruelty of a few Middle Eastern Theocratic Legal Systems.

Hmmm maybe it is because these archaic notions just happen to enforce the polar opposite of Democratic Rights and Freedoms...

anyway Public beheadings seem to be working as a strong deterent for those contemplating a life of INFIDELity.

For the 5.9 Billion other Earthlings who brazenly express abhorrent disdain for such stern measures (which is apparently none of our business ) some of these fanatterrorists (not to be confused with Muslims) who are constantly under seige by human rights organizations and Democratic Nations have tried to 'soften' up their image but support their message to their young people (who may be getting News and Infrmation from the 21st Century via the Internet) by sampling 80s songs such as My Sharona.

M M M MY SHARIA!

Ooh you filthy infidels, infidels.

Soon you gonna live by my rules, Sharia!

Ooh you make my vengeance fun, vengeance fun.

Heads are comin' off this time Sharia!

Never gonna stop, blow you up.

Such a dirty kind.

There’s a fatwa on the rest of man-ki-yi-yi-yind WOO!

M M M My Sharia...

Goodbye Vicki Lynn Hogan
FLAMETHROWER IN THE WIND

Goodbye Vicki Lynn
Or should I call you Mrs. Marshall
You loved exposing yourself
While those around you gawked




You crawled out of the woodwork
And did it for financial gain
You posed naked up on the stage
And we won’t forget your frame



And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a flamethrower in the wind
Always knowing when to flash them
To keep attention pouring in
And who wouldn’t want to _____ you
But who are we to kid
Your broken heart quit just before
You hit another skid



Faux Monroe was tough
The toughest role that you parlayed
Playboy made you a superstar
Instant fame the bed you made



Even though you died
The Paparazzi still hounded you
As they wait for DNA
The Bombshell Amazon can still be seen out on YouTube

Goodbye Vicki Lynn

From all the wankers who always let you know
They never saw you as more than sexual
Nothing more than Anna Nicole


(My apologies to Bernie and Elton
but hey you changed Candle in the Wind for Diana
and Monroe was Vicki's Idol and Template
so I could not resist)

I LOVE MAPS!
A picture IS worth a thousand words...

SEE what I mean?

If you can possibly manage the time check out http://freedomsplace.blogspot.com/

IDLE THOUGHTS ABOUT
THE UNIVERSE

Since nobody has ever explained it any better than Monty Python's Eric Idle did in The Meaning Of Life....

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving

And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,

That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,

A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see

Are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,

Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.

It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.

It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,

But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.

We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.

We go 'round every two hundred million years,

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions

In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whizz

As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,

Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,

How amazingly unlikely is your birth,

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth

GLOBAL WARMING MY ASS!

Latitude = Atitude!

Now before you get all hot under the collar hear me out.

This weekend was cold enough to freeze the nuts off of a Robot and I for one would let my van idle 24/7 if it would speed up raising our winter temperatures to something tolerable.

Oh sure I feel sorry for you people trapped in moderate latitudinal zones but up here in the Great White North a warmer climate would be welcomed with open arms.

Seriously this frrrrigid weather sucks and so what if all of the people who live on the coast had to move inland a few hundred miles?

What about my needs?

I suppose some people would think that this is a selfish, myopic, frickinview but hey..

it's not my fault that you or your ancestors picked the wrong place to live.

The average temperature in December should be about 30 F so that there is snow for Christmas and then it should start warming up for New Years Eve.

I suppose that the only alternative would be for me to actually move South and start worrying about global warming..

No Frrrrickinway ...you can have it.

I'm staying up here in the middle of the North American Continent where this weekend there was ZERO evidence of anything even remotely resembling global warming.

It's your problem not mine...my problem is finding enough time for Glowbowl warming.

HAVING FUN DOING JACK

Last night I posed for this picture with my Master Angler sized Northern Pike which we Canadians also refer to as Jack...

this fish once weighed 20 pounds and met its maker back in the 60s when it unfortunately decided to get caught by my Father who dragged it onboard at which point it began to flop around with a mouth full of razor sharp teeth snapping in the air which of course caused my Sister and Mother to start jumping around and screaming and nearly capsized our boat until Dad unceremoniously whacked the Jack over the head with a paddle....

and Jack is exactly what I would have been doing if these people hadn't been kind enough to brave the minus 50 weather and came to entertain me.

Pictured alongside of me (L to R) is my cousin

Fester Possumnuts from Arkeesaw,

mein vetter Fritz Apfelsine from Schokoladeville,

and on the far right is of course my dear diminutive spinster aunt Charisma from Sasquatchewan.

Just kidding..Joyce @ Chronicles of Blunderview was kind enough to try out their new camera and shoot Homey chillin' with Reyspoutine ,

Brian der Mennonite and Within Without .

..what a great way to forget the winter blahs.

Keep Your Chin Up Kid

Pssst! Wanna see a GIRL beat a BOY in a wrestling match?



I thought so who wouldn't?
Zip over to the bottom of this page and click on
Girl Beats Boy at vidilife.com

I noticed that once the young man got pinned that he could not stop smiling and he seemed completely distracted for some reason.
Listen kid, it is time to face up to some facts, Victory was snatched from the getgo.
You got licked by a girl and it could have gone the other way if you would have just used your head! Just nod if you can hear me.

Oh well you shouldn't be fighting with girls but it is nice to see that you obviously look up to them.

'Keep your chin up Kid'