Monday, February 26, 2007

AN OSCAR SPEECH DAYDREAM

Jane Fonda:
“and the Oscar for best original screenplay goes to…
Donn Coppens for Comment Deleted!”

(applause/laughter after I do a couple of

Jack Palancian one arm pushups)

“Whew!..
OK..
Wow..
Thank You SO much
!
I know that I only have a minute..I have to thank Ridley Scott for his brilliant ability to bring this to life on the big screen...and the cast..the crew..I loved every minute that I spent on the set..except for shooting the shark scenes at night

(laughter)
I don't know how many times I said 'we're gonna need a bigger boat'
(laughter)
actually Ridley I was thinking that the Director would use computer generated sharks in that scene when I wrote it
(laughter)
anyway now we know for certain that Leo can not only walk on water but I saw him actually RUN on water!
(laughter/applause)


They say that you should write about what you know and this story was basically writing down absolutely EVERYTHING that I know…or could google
(laughter)

so I’m glad that you liked it..
(laughter)
and since I don't know about anything else I guess I'm pretty much done,
short and sweet.. like me...
what a ride!
(laughter/applause)

I need to thank Chris Cariou, Yes Len is his uncle,
(polite laughter) for nagging me until I started writing this thing

and of course to all of my Blogging friends who kept encouraging me to write.

This is for all of you tapping away out there day after day…month after month…sharing your lives, being vulnerable, discussing issues, staying informed, telling jokes, this story is you and me and what it means to be interconnected in the 21st century.

Like all of you I’ve always loved movies.
I think that they are the most amazing way to teach, explore and entertain… maybe even better than Blogging!
(polite laughter)

Oh boy there is my first warning...

OK I realize that I’ll never get the chance to talk to one billion people again so I better not waste it..I did write a few notes...

The human experience is all about experiencing other humans, and this story proved that we can do that in all sorts of different ways,

but we are running out of time and we need to forget about the differences that we have created and focus on how much more we have in common.
(polite applause)



Oh crap they are giving me the signal to wrap it up…


I need to thank my beautiful children,
Coco, Mish, Spenny and Ridz..((muah))
thank you for being proud of me (clears throat)
even when I had nothing to give you but my love..

And most of all to my dear Alice (sniff)..
for taking a chance on this guy..who was an absolute wreck...(ahem) and during the darkest days of my life...

you took me in to your heart..(sniff)..
and healed me..(blubbering)

I love you sweetie!
(cue music/applause)
Thank You All...HI MOM!"


What would you say?

33 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:32 a.m.

    Sniff, sniff, whahhhhh!
    I was simply amused by your speech until the last paragraph where my amusment shifted to an emotional gusher. Mission accomplished.
    How long have you been planning this speech?
    -Heather

    ReplyDelete
  2. You saved HI MOM for last?

    head hits desk

    Oy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Twenty First Century sucks!!!
    Congratulations on keeping it real!

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  4. "I'd like to thank all the people I slept with to get here, especaially the Academy (that was a great night, wasn't it guys?) I'd also like to thank all the people I slept with even though they didn't advance my career an inch. Those people include my pool boy, the Domino's boy, and that kid down the block who mows my lawn and trims the hedge, no euphamism intended! *chuckles at own joke* Last but not least I'd like to thank the people who had sex with each other to get me where I am today, namely my mom and dad. Thank you and god blast America! Goodnight!"

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  5. Hatter,
    Gotcha!

    laura,
    Oops..I thought that was mandatory?
    I should have said that first eh?
    D'OH!

    cream,
    Real?
    This is about as improbable as it gets!

    chaucer's bitch,
    HAHAHAHA!
    Much more realistic and honest..
    you left out tearing up a picture of the Pope!.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Glad I read this instead of watching, much more entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh man this is cool! hahahahah!

    Ahhemm...I would like to thank God and my mom and everyone for givin ne this opportunity to visit the Yankee country and find good lookin redneck women...bla bla bla...

    I love you spielberg... and kate winslet will u b my wife....

    ReplyDelete
  8. hands Chaucer's Bitch the Oscar for the most realism in an acceptance speech

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you, thank you. I'd like especially to thank Laura Elizabeth for giving me the Oscar for Best Speech. (Didn't I tell you I munch better rug than Cameron Diaz? *winks*) Hi, mom!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You forgot to thank God....

    I would probably try and unscrew the head thinking it was a liquor bottle, and try and do my thank you speech through the medium of interpretive dance....

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'd like to thank ya mother for the rabbits, yib eder yib eder,
    That's all folks!

    ReplyDelete
  12. are they allowed to give out academy awards during wartime? that doesn't sound like they're supporting the troops, it sounds like they're laughing in their faces.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You had me at hello.......I could not have done an of this without my fans, some good....some bad, the papparazzi with those pictures that will haunt me forever.....my mom and dad oh yeah and my my family for always supporting me through those tough times when i was just working out in the fields where i was discovered. Thank you all...(tears down my face)......

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wake up, HE, and start writing that screenplay ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. That was so touching! I'm all teary here.

    I want to hear more about the times when you were an absolute wreck. I want to hear about the darkest days of your life. And I want to hear how your wonderful and beautiful wife Alice took you into her heart and healed you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That was very funny and in the end, very sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Darn, I couldn't get past walking on the red carpet in my fabulous Vera Wang gown.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well done HE :) awww n u forgot to thank Keshi...the Blog goddess with 6 hands.

    I didnt know u had a crush on Ms.Fonda hehehehe.

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Where's my 20 per cent agent's fee.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'd like to say a big thank you to the myriads of morons who find their own enjoyment through watching my life. I'd like to thank every twit who was convinced by marketing executives to buy a ticket and see my movie. Thanks also to all the idiots at the Acadamy for taking themselves and this industry so seriously and thus allowing me to stand here and make this speech.

    I didn't watch, was it as awful as I think it probably was?

    ReplyDelete
  21. paul,
    I freed up 3 hours for you..that's a real friend.

    ghosty,
    Kate is taken buddy..but Britney is single.

    laura,
    Oh dear. The movies are all about escaping reality..we can't have chaucer's bitch upsetting the apple cart now can we.

    chaucer's bitch,
    You little tease..what's all this then....are we invoking the ghost of cameron's little pre fame porno?

    aidan,
    That i would pay to see..please put it on Youtube at your earliest convenience.

    whitesnake,
    Make sure that you turn left at Alburquerque!

    reyspoutine,
    Huh? The troops get free movies and tons of movie stars go over to entertain them..it would be un-american to stop the dream factory. If they stopped making movies the terrorists have won!

    hodedoo,
    It sounds like you shouldn't have been doing whatever it was you were doing out in the fields when you were discovered...and I don't want to know.

    hildegarde,
    I have the attention span of an ashtray..the odds of me ever writing anything over 500 words are astronomical.

    anna,
    You are sweet. I won't bother you with my tale of woe at this point in time..first go out and get a BIG violin to play while you are reading it..then email me when you are ready.

    laurie,
    Thank you..I know that I would completely go to pieces at the end when the enormity of it would actually hit me...thankfully it is something that I don't have to worry about...its just a dream.

    menchie,
    Wouldn't it be fun to get so glammed up and over the top...just once.

    keshiroo,
    Hanoi Jane and I go way back...to atleast her Barbarella and Klute days..quit giving me images of 6 hands...hmmm.

    without 20%,
    I would have to do tha name dropping/whateverpeg connection to give the local reporters a lead for all of my interviews...you and I could go on VPW together!

    stace,
    I am almost embarrassed to admit that I sit there with a box of Kleenex and blubber during those speeches...I started watching the Oscars with my Mom back in the 60s and for whatever reason am completely taken in by the pomp and circumstance...these are the most valuable people in North American society..it is one thing that the Terrorists do not comprehend...these people represent the dream machinery.
    The terrorists could disintegrate the WHite House, Senate and Congessional buildings and people would be upset..if something happened at the Oscars..the rest of the world would lay in smouldering ashes within half an hour.

    ReplyDelete
  22. SOme people will go to any lengths to snog Jane Fonda!
    And after Chaucer's Bitch... what can one say.

    (I'm going to miss my daily giggles, but I will be back.)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I don't think I could be bothered to collect it in person. I'd be terrified that my frock would be criticised by the fashion police. Therefore, I'd get someone to collect the award - perhaps a drunken, swearing and ranting vagrant would be ideal (no one would be able to tell the difference, heh heh).

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  24. Well this is a brilliant blog posting!

    I don't have an acceptance speech (YET) since I'm still very involved in preparing my red carpet walk!!!

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  25. dinahmow,
    Bon Voyage! Make the most out of your foray into the rw...hope you find your happy place and don't bring back anything but happy-happy-happy..and lots of pictures!

    betty,
    The drunken, swearing, vagrants are the paparazzi whoring themselves to get the best cleavage shots..or mishaps involving wardrobe malfunctions...
    I would so dearly love to hear you let 'them' have it..you could be the next Bjork with the dying swan getup around your neck..Oooh lala!.

    heidi,
    Your penchant for pink hair and red carpeting will certainly be the talk of the town!
    Apparently the Oscars have gone Green..so maybe wearing edible clothing items will be all the rage next year...heart be still.

    ReplyDelete
  26. HerrDoktorGrumbell6:16 p.m.

    Hmm... malfunctions, eh? While
    we're on the subject, have you been taking the proper dosages, as shown on the side of the jar(s). Cross-medication can lead to delusional excesses, falootin', and so forth ;-) But what am I saying? The Oscars are all about restraint and modesty, nicht wahr?

    ReplyDelete
  27. That was perfection.

    Now you can specialize as a ghost Oscar speech writer. I promise to obtain your services once my nomination for Best Actress is announced. ;p

    ReplyDelete
  28. herr grumbler,
    No I am old school when it comes to self medicating..all I see is 'or as required'
    sideffects are obviously in play.
    Restraint and modesty are so passe!

    keshi,
    Ho Ho
    Hee Hee

    irene,
    You have my address..maybe I can sneak in as a seat filler when Tom Cruise has to pee!

    ReplyDelete
  29. It's painful to think of my speech. I get so nervous in front of large audiences that my leg shakes. I would stand there crying and it would look like a dog was humping my leg under my beautiful dress. Not pretty. I'll gladly stay in and ooh and aww everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you dad, I never won the academy awards.

    ReplyDelete
  31. christine,
    C'mon..
    you would look and feel like a million bucks with your hair 'did' and a million bucks worth of rented jewellry and designer fashion on!
    You can even stand there and cry because you would be 'done' in smudge free industrial strength mascara. You'd be great.

    gautami,
    No but you might win a huge lterary award some day...maybe even a Bloggie!
    Keep your chin up.

    ReplyDelete
  32. aaaw- if only all the acceptance speeches were as witty as yours- it might be more fun to watch!

    ReplyDelete

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