Thursday, February 22, 2007

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
My Double Life.

As most of you know I am a Stay-at-Home-Dad and I love it!
It has been a fabulous experience but unfortunately it is drawing to a conclusion.

Next year my little guy will be a ‘Big Boy’ ((sigh)) and he will be attending Morning and Afternoon Classes so I will be re-entering the real world.

In the meantime I have been using my gift to make some extra money during the evenings and on weekends. Recently one of the other Moms in his class saw me at my evening job and I am so nervous about her telling the others.
You see I have been living a double life.

I am an exotic dancer.

Before you rush to judgement let me tell you that I don’t ‘mess around’ with any of the clientele. UH-UH No Way!
I love my wife and I told myself that I wouldn't cross the line and that this would only be for a little while. It would be easy to walk away from but the money is great!
Where else can I make $300 bucks a night dancing, which is something that I love to do?
Don’t answer that!

If any of you Ladies have ever been out with the girls to a club you know how crazy it can get and let me tell you my cheeks are so sore when I finally get home in the morning.
Here I am with Thor and Zeus on the Poster. I couldn’t get them to sign waivers so I disguised them.


This hasn’t been easy on my poor wife either. She is a healthy, young, woman with natural appetites. But I am so tired and sick of all the women grabbing and shouting raunchy filth at me that it is the last thing that I want to do!
Sometimes I just need to snuggle!

Anyway the other night one of the other Moms in my Son's Class (we'll call her Cindy) showed up at the show and I nearly died of embarrassment.
I know, I know, that’s just crazy-talk and I should be proud of my gift right.
So she gets totally drunk and hounds me for a lap dance (which I refused) but now she won’t leave me alone and it makes me uncomfortable.
When I bump into her in the school hallway she stares at me like I’m an object..like I'm some piece of meat.
Hey Cindy my eyes are up here! HEL-LO!
Now she has threatened to tell the other Moms what I do at night if I don’t..
you know..
which I won’t!

My oldest sister is one tough broad and she has offered to scare Cindy off, but I’m afraid that my sis will just smack Cindy upside the noggin and then things will really escalate.
I should probably just come clean eh?
You know I didn't ask to have this..this thing UGH!
Why has this blessing turned into such a curse?

OMG! What should I do?

51 comments:

  1. I think that we men just have to take a deep breath and accept our helplessness in these situations. The deranged acts of estrogen poisoned females are not our fault.

    Hang in there brother -

    Paul

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  2. I find it shocking -- truly shocking -- that you are treated with such disresepect. By the way -- are you free Saturday?

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  3. I know the feeling. I used to be a fireman, but couldn't but anything out or save a single cat from a tree for all the butt pinching and wolf-whistling. Very funny post btw - thanks.

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  4. Woohoo! Eye Candy! The best kind!!

    *arranges face in serious expression*

    *clears throat* Oh poor you. Tell you what. Cause I'm such a bleeding heart when it comes to causes like this, why don't you work for my carwash? I promise you'll be in good company -- no more ogling and pinch hungry women salivating over you. Almost nobody comes to my carwash, except, well, me and um, some friends who I allow to visit if they've been very very good to me.

    And, um, you can bring your friends Thor and Zeus with you. I really don't mind. I swear.

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  5. Dear HE:

    You come out to the country big guy and we will do some building of something or other to reinstate your feeling of manliness. By the way if you need me to fill in for ya just holler, you know i do a great table dance.

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  6. This is post of the year right here.

    Anyway, forget Cindy. If she tells everyone, so what? If anything, it will be great for business, and you will get even more attention (tips) and things will be even better.

    Why is it that the girls get to touch the male dancers, but if I tried to do the same thing with them women, I would be thrown out of the club immediately? It is a double standard, and is simply unfair.

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  7. For starters, you can fix that Chippendales photo so that it's not blurry when I click on it to enlarge it.

    Then you can tell me where you found a beach in Manitoba.

    And how does WW fit into the picture?

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  8. paul,
    Your counsel always comforts my tormented soul..how can one so young be so wise in the ways of the world?
    Solidarity brother!

    andrea,
    Yes it is tragic...
    and Yes I am free on Saturday from 11 - 11:30
    (that's when I have my break)

    ruksak,
    A fireman..crikey don't say that out loud in this crowd!
    How did you get your avatar to morph? Totally cool!

    menchie,
    Deja vu all over again..I was 'discovered' at a topless carwash!
    just between you and me Thor is a bit of a chump but Zeus will try anything once the little trollop!

    hodedoo,
    I need 'chicken soup for the sex object'...
    I could use a substitute next Wednesday..
    I finally rented The Full Monty!

    awesomestblogger,
    Huzzah! Maybe you're right..you certainly seem to know how to handle the unsolicited affections of multiple females..I suppose you're right.
    If Life hands you Lemons make Lemonade!

    mj, mj, mj!
    It is scrambled because I told you that I didn't get a waiver signed by Thor (what a prima donna!) sorry!
    Grand Beach was chosen by Playboy Magazine as one of the top 10 Beaches IN THE WORLD! HEL-LO!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grand_Beach,_Manitoba

    WW is too busy moonlighting as a Bull Semen Collection Technician to consider 'dancing'...between you and me he has sort of let himself go when the Bay City Rollers split up..poor bugger never quite got over it.

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  9. here's what you can do he: read the book menchie recommends. let go of your past of strutting and instead read a good book. you will be transformed overnight.

    i am truly shocked to learn about your side (or is it frontal?) profession. shocked. you whose brain i so admire. but if you read the book i will calm down.

    :)

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  10. You photoshopping skills and comedic talent continue to delight me.

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  11. Omigod.

    So this is what you've been doing while your lovely wife and I have been sneaking out together.

    My guess is Cindy was looking at your overhanging belly, not anything else she wouldn't be able to see anyway.

    Well, back to old Bartley the Bull. He's ready now.

    (I'll be at your next show to take pix and blog it)

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  12. HE dun temme its u in that 4th pic??? LOL ok Im heading to Canada.

    **The deranged acts of estrogen poisoned females are not our fault

    Paul, estrogen is not poison. Chances r that none us wud be here if there was no estrogen in women!

    Keshi.

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  13. kj,
    Don't believe everything that you read my dear..and I think that I told menchie that I don't do Novels. Oh sure I read the DaVinci but I think that the last book that I read that wasn't about Psychology/History/Evolution/Religion/Politics was Kane and Abel..or was it Jaws?

    laurie,
    You can't kid a kidder right? But tell me did you believe it for a second? I set up the whole misdirection thing..NO eh..didn't fool you..OK I'll just have to try again in a litttle while.

    wankingbulls withoutgloves,
    Bartley?
    I thought that you didn't have favorites?
    Didn't Bartley make a deposit yesterday? You're spoiling him!

    keshiroo,
    Don't believe everything that you see kesh. Paul was being facetious..he is a staunch advocate of equality and a great admirer of estrogen.
    I know that you can't move here because you would turn into a keshicle!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am so sorry it has become a curse... now shake that a little closer to me... no... no... over here... yes... now does this twenty dollars help you?

    quick someone with the estrogen replacement shot!

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  15. I feel your pain, Men have rights too... I am sick of being treated like a piece of meat, being oggled, and eyed off, not being taken seriously because im attractive.. HAving to say my eyes are up here.

    And now back to reality.. were i am 65 kilos wringing wet, sruffy and unshaven, built like a match stick with all the wood shaved off.

    I love the chippendale shot, can you help to pick you out from thor and zeus:)

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  16. Well, looks like Andrea and Menchie got in first. Damn!
    And I DEFINTTELY recognise my local beach. Again! Gees! How come you were on my beach and I didn't know?
    My phone number (keep it to yourself) is WHI 9333.

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  17. oh my blueberry toast! hang in there far away brother of mine. we need to do what we need to do.

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  18. if i actually thought this was real my advice would be to threaten Cindy that you'll tell all the other moms that she hangs out in nudy bars, gets drunk, and accosts the male dancers. What kind of a role model is that?!?!?! Make her into the bad guy.

    But since you're blowing smoke out your (very fine) ass, I'll just say "thanks for the giggle."

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  19. well, its clear to me that this is what your wife has asked for. Its hard to keep that little princess in priceless gems without a lucritive income.

    Every gifting has its burden.
    And... I've seen you dance, that much I'll admit. But why did you hide that ripply chest under a VV shirt covered in olives?

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  20. kindness,
    "HE works hard for the money.
    So hard for the money.
    HE works hard for the money
    so you better treat him right!"

    aidan,
    Than You Brother!
    I'm wearing a Trailor Park Boys cap..its all part of my 'schtick'...
    because when you are objectified (like we are) you need to 'stick out' somehow.

    dinahmow,
    That beach isn't the Grand one that I was telling mj about..this one is is not the depository of fine, soft, sand that Playboy became so enamored with..actually I think it was the local scantilly clad Beachcombers that caught their eye.
    (WHI 9333 got it)

    ghosty,
    I am 'hangin'in there and that's what got me into this mess in the first place!

    chaucer's bitch,
    Yeah! I am the victim here and I should take a page out of the PC notebook and run with it.
    The whole incident just makes going back in time and starting over in Kindergarten so appealing...cue CHER..
    "If I could turn ba-ack ti-ime"

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  21. joyce,
    (just missed ya)
    I compartmentalize my life like everyone else. I leave 'it' at the office. You know what it's like to be stared at by those green eyed monsters..UGH..
    so I do my best to downplay my animal magnetism when I am not working.
    I usually schlep around during the day so that the other men aren't intimidated and the women aren't over stimulated...
    what was it that Catherine Deneuve said in that Chanel #5 Ad back in the 70s,
    "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful".

    ReplyDelete
  22. You look great in...er...buff. Prefer this to the ..hrrmph...brains..


    You don't look VICTORIAN atall. Your words....

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  23. gautami,
    See, you women are all alike..I knew tht I should have put a TIP JAR on this post!

    We blogospherians all need to to sacrifice our egos
    (and credibility) every once and a while.
    I write these e-masculating posts every so often to remind myself that it is dangerous to start believing my own spin.
    Perhaps by late March I will return to the heart breaking works of staggering genius that I routinely churn out...NOT! HAHAHAHA !

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  24. Thanks for the link to Grand Beach. Next time I get the urge to go berry picking...

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  25. mj,
    OUCH!
    Don't be 'Dissin' the Centre of the Universe, the voice of Moderation and sober (HA) second thought..
    this place will look pretty good after you've had your fill of Tsunamis and Earthquakes!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Did you ever do some "work" over in Ft. Erie, ON????

    You're ass, er, um, I mean, YOU look awfully familiar.

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  27. duh ... I meant YOUR, not YOU'RE.
    fuck.
    I screwed up the WHOLE COMMENT!

    Never mind, ignore the red-head who .... OOoohh!!! SHINY THINGS!

    Gotta run ....

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  28. blazngfyre,
    We did a 'CrASS Canada Tour' a couple years ago in July..it was called the
    'SUMMER more equal than others'
    Tour and the year after that we did a
    'ENDOWMENT for the Parts' Tour..
    so yeah I guess its possible.

    ReplyDelete
  29. It's taken me a day to get over the giggles and respond this excellent post. Yah. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    I, too, have that problem with poor schlubs following me around begging for more. Once I started carrying around that cattle prod they backed off a little. If you think estrogen is evil, try dealing with testosterone-laden sex-crazy men. Ach!
    Good luck with your pants.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Keshi - Oh, you pro-estrogen types are all alike. It's why innocent men like H.E. succumb to the temptation of trying to capitalize on their looks. Can't you see past our chest hairs to recognize our intellectual prowess?

    Btw, all you attractive women out there: We guys know what you are up to on the subway cars when you "accidentally" stand really close to us or grab us when the train lurches foward or stops.

    To Men Everywhere: Remember - the movement has not ended:

    "I am Mister hear me roar
    In numbers too big to ignore
    And I know too much to go back to pretend.
    Cause I've heard it all before
    When I've been down there on the floor
    No one's ever gonna keep me down again
    Yes - I am wise but it's wisdom born of pain
    Yes I've paid the price
    But look how much I've gained
    I am strong
    I am invincible
    I am Mister..."

    Alan Reddy, "I Am Mister" circa 1970

    I'm sorry for the length H.E., but that Keshi really got to me. I am more than a sex object.

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  31. HEY quit mowin' my lawn buddy!
    HA! That was great..where is Helen these days..haven't seen her on the surreal life!

    I am so glad that you took the time to defend our cause. If 'they' separate us from the herd we will be devoured but if we all run away together
    (try and stay in the middle) they'll give up and look for another EASIER meal.

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  32. Nothing personal, but I'm not going to be showing up at any of your nudie shows...just a personal preferance of mine. :)

    Steve~

    ReplyDelete
  33. steve-N,
    None taken..
    although we do have a Gentlemen's Night which is always a much more reserved and polite audience
    ..pffft NOT!
    Which reminds me I have to get my Naval Officers Uniform back from the Dry Cleaners.

    ReplyDelete
  34. HE, I did some stripping last weekend... Wall-bloody-paper!!!
    I love this post!
    What is your stage name?
    H.E.Man?

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  35. Cream,
    Ugh I hate Wall Paper but I lurrve Stripping.
    In our first act of the evening we dress up as Super Heroes and I dance with a group called the Fantastic Four.

    My stage name is The THING!
    It just sort of stuck because everybody is yelling OMG look at that thing!

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  36. shelley!!
    Sorry my dear. It's tough being irresistable! I would expect that hottie like you would get used to it..but a cattle prod would definetly do it.
    This role reversal thing has been enlightening..but unless you are Orlando or Depp or Bon Jovi or Clooney...Am I forgetting anyone??..there aren't too many fellows being lusted after..or are there?

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  37. The great H.E. scared of a woman?

    The great H.E. doing the full monty.

    The GREAT Whitesnake would like to See That!

    Ok mate I want proper pics not something ya picked out of magazine.

    I wanna see loose mate loose...Buns of steel huh???

    What about ya tackle....Got it insured?
    I think ya should....either some woman or some woman's hubbie....gonna shackle the tackle.....

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  38. whitesnake,
    G'day.
    Sorry mate, current legislation regarding the transportation of disturbing electronic images in excess of 120 MegaBytes is strictly prohibited in the Commonwealth.
    Just renewed my Policy with Lloyds of London...talk about an awkward certification ..very thorough inspection!
    I like the term 'tackle'...do sheilas downunda have other unique strine translations for hook, line and sinker?

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  39. OK. I don't know what to say. Tonight, I finally decided to check my blogroll and visit all my links after neglecting them for several weeks and I find this. I really don't know what to say except I am sure you have a big tip.

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  40. ces,
    Good Evening.
    Well you could take the high road and discuss the implications of this obviously fabricated examination of a 21st Century male Hominid
    (and a sensitive one at that) whose value is being 'measured' solely on his physical appearance...
    like that could happen.

    ReplyDelete
  41. HE. Hook line and sinker...
    They use the term FUCK OFF a lot.
    Does that count?

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  42. whitesnake,
    I think that I am 'hearing' what you are 'saying'.

    Whether it is true or not Australia is considered a real 'guys' sort of place by the Western Media...

    which would explain why the exasperated 'sheilas' would be required to invoke the less than subtle, indelicate phrase of German origin to express their consternation and general displeasure in the social skills of their male counterparts who are stereotypically cast as stubborn, immature, boorish, drunken, violent, idiots in American and British films.

    I myself find that hard to believe, maybe there is a little of that goin' on in the Territories but certainly not in NSW or Victoria!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hi H.E.

    As one of the "sheilas" from downunder let me assure you some of us have much more effective, subtle ways of expressing ourselves but you'll have to visit to find out.

    Fantastic post btw. This is my first visit and I will be making a beeline to your blog from now on. Very, very funny.

    One last thing, men used to whistle at me from construction sites and it caused me extreme embarrassment and angst if I had no choice but to walk past. What I wouldn't give now so be careful what you wish for.....

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  44. *gently shakes HE*

    HE,HE, wake up, it's just a bad dream!

    ;) Great post, thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  45. madame butterfly,
    HA! ain't it da truth! I would love to find out first hand how you 'sheilas' tolerate such bad behavior...obviously everything that we read and see about Aussie men in the newspapers, history books, movies, magazines, TV shows and online isn't exactly true.

    Back in the late 70s a friend of mine hooked up with a Kiwi (with a penchant for topless sunbathing that we all admired) who spent the summa' here and she told us that Canadian guys would be fought over by Aussie gals because we are so polite and considerate compared to the Neanderthal Guys downunda. HA!

    angela,
    ..huh..wha...what the...where am I?
    MOM-MY!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I actually DID do that for one night at a bar before my first marriage. Made $90. American. The true green. Which probably placed me in the lower 5 percentile of earnings in the world of dream jobs, however temporary they might be. I have a polaroid. All you had was photoshop. How PATHETIC! hehehehehehe.......

    Good try though......grin.

    ReplyDelete
  47. THE,
    NFW!
    You make it sound easy to make $90 the 'hard' way!
    I am truly humbled...
    and when can we expect that polaroid to be posted?

    ReplyDelete
  48. LOL Paul chillax...I do know wut u mean. I was trying to annoy ya a little bit..u know the estrogen is working really hard :):)


    **keshicle

    HE that was cute!


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  49. keshi,
    I'm not sure if your body would appreciate or adapt to living on 'pluto' for 6 months of the year.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I totally believe you could be a stripper and do well. I think I might even be willing to pay to watch you strip... not totally, though. I think I'd be afraid if I saw the THING.

    ReplyDelete
  51. anna,
    You are wise beyond your years..

    once you've seen the THING,
    nothing else will make you schwing!

    ReplyDelete

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