LAYIN' LOW IN MAYHEEKO

huélale más adelante

(smell you later)

I have not been on a plane since 2000..which is fine by me!

Two familiar phrases instantly come to mind whenever I think about the implications involved in sitting onboard a 30 year old jet 30,000 feet above the very hard and unforgiving surface of the planet....
terminal velocity and sudden impact.

Is it just me or does anyone else find this graph subliminally arousing?

Know this, if my plane goes down, I will not have spent the final moments of my fiery descent plummeting to Earth calmly whispering the Lord's Prayer and making a "foxhole conversion".

NOPE!

I will be screaming like a little girl!

Well maybe a few octaves higher?

I must remember to channel Vesna Vulovic who somehow suvived a 6 mile drop from an airplane.

However, I need to bolster my resolve because next week I'm nervously boarding an aircraft and flying off to soak up el sol in Puerto Vallarta, Mayheeko.



















I have not been on a plane since my horneymoon in 2000.
I am so thrilled to get out of here because believe it or not, there was another Winter Storm here in Whateverpeg (global warming eh?)...



...so I am looking forward to becoming conspicuously inert, inebriated, and in touch with my inner intangiblity, on the beach and playing in the Pacific Ocean.
















I've been to Vallarta before and I've also visited Tijuana, Cozumel, and Acapulco.

what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico.
I haven't been on a plane since 911 so my good-lady-wife reminded me that I am not allowed to bring certain items on the plane.hatchets, ice axes, meat cleavers and throwing knives, disabling chemicals, mace, restraining devices, meat cleavers, firearms and ammunition, transformers that turn into toy guns, brass knuckles, nunchuks, blowguns, bow & arrows, catapults, crossbows, stun-guns, detonators, dynamite, hand grenades, blasting caps, molotov cocktails, bowling balls, sabres & swords, lawn darts, paintball guns and of course, Piñatas!

Click HERE for the full list but the following items caught my attention:

Do any of you carry on sky diving rigs?

Preflight had a few drinks to bolster my courage message..

I'm going to miss you..please take care of yourselves until I return

:)

However I am allowed to bring sky diving rigs HELLO!

Isn't that reassuring.

Vesna Velovic didn't need one..pffft!

I love Mayheeko, it's affordable, the local people are friendly, even though some of the touristos act like complete asshats,

and pardon my Spanglish...

qué sucede en México, permanece en México!

LYIN' AROUND BEARLY PROTECTED!

Last night I had a viewing of LION & BEAR Feeding Frenzy SHOWS hosted by Chris Douglas on the Discovery Channel.














He sat in a plexiglass "predator shield" to watch Lions, Grizzly and Black Bears up close and personal. You can see more by clicking HERE & HERE .

It's actually pretty cool although at one point Chris realised (as I am sure most viewers did) that an 800 pound Griz could have easily popped that sucker open if it really wanted to. In both instances the Lions and the Bears gladly tore apart mannequins placed outside of his Predator Shield.

Some day I would love to travel to South Africa, California, or Australia, and see Great White Sharks from the safety of a cage...although a big shark could chew the ropes that fasten the cage to the boat but they are probably content to munch on the snacks being tossed in to lure them.

I think that it would be a super adrenalin rush to be eyeball to eyeball with any of these large predators. Primal Fear! It would make sense to start in my own backyard and fly up to Northern Manitoba and see the Polar Bears...

but not in some flimsy school bus like this!



I would have to be in a proper Tundra Buggy..

and I would never EVER trust the so-called Bear-Proof suit designed by fellow Canadian Troy Hurtubise.

Troy survived a Grizzly attack in British Columbia and was later inspired by..

wait for it..

yep, the movie Robocop!

On the Discovery program Chris also placed his predator shield inside of an ordinary van to show how easy it is for ordinary Black Bears to break into your vehicle..something to remember on a drive-thru Safari.

The Bears popped the windows and then proceeded to totally destroy the interior...which Wildlife Officials will tell you they'd do just to get at a stick of gum left on the dashboard.

Have you ever wanted to get intimate with a creature that wanted to eat you or chew on your bone?

THE SPIN ON CYCLES
*click on graphs to enlarge
The current market meltdown bears a lot of similarities to the ups & downs of communicating with others in cyberspace. This graph demonstrates the emotions involved.

After three years of Blogging I am just starting to get it.

Lately I've been examining the similarifferences between Blogging, Facebook & the new kid on the block Twitter.

IMHO nothing (so far) compares to Blogging. You create the content so it can be and look like anything you can dream up. It can be a gallery, diary, legacy, outlet, inlet- whatever! Sure it sucks if you don't get 100 comments but we can't be all things to all people. You need to blog for you...and once in a while..like Field Of Dreams..if you create something funny, informative, interesting or new..they will come...and it doesn't matter how many.


Facebook is easier and ready to serve. Perfect for folks who either aren't interested in or don't have the time to invent content. I've had some great instant messaging conferences with other Bloggers on Facebook..which sounds weird but it's a little more private and happening in real time.

Twitter, at 140 characters, is downright lazyass sound-byting, but it does have unbelievable linking potential..for your BLOG! I'm not sold yet but I have noticed that nobody can say muchof anything in 140 and so they all seem to add links. Hmm?

NEXT!

A PANISCEA

There seems to still be some confusion about the difference between Panis and Penis.

When most men brag about 'avin' a hewj panis they aren't lying.

This is a panis...

and this my friends is a "killer" penis.



I hope this helps.

INTERLUDIO DEL ARTE!

No malo para un zurdo?
Not too shabby for a 'lefty' eh?



OK ...how many of you are lefties, artistic & leftist?

How many of you feel compelled to dive into a shame spiral after thinking that I was just posting some gratuitous porno del arte?

CANADUH DISCOMBOBULATES

By Stu Piddazz

By the year 2050 the map of CANADUH will drastically change because..well..things just didn't work out.

In the North the campaign to have the USA return Alaska fails..it is dubbed I'LLASKYA (to kindly return it) by the CBC. To avoid any further discussions with Canada, Governor Sarah Palin III laughs and constructs a 10,000 mile wall to nowhere.

Greenland dumps Denmark and votes to join Dubai. Osama Bin Hidin Jr., the Secretary General of the UN, agrees to the transfer of DISAGREEDLAND.

Denmark stomps off and joins Kuwait.

Nunavut, along with fellow Tundrahuggers the Northwaste Territories and Yugone, join forces in order to form a "real" Province.

Unfortunately NUNUVIT (none-of-it) will belong to Canaduh for long because the Ruskies will invade and occupy it the next day.

Now the Ruskies can fill empty vodka bottles with radioactive Chernobyl pond water and toss them over Palin's wall-to-nowhere.

The Cold War is back baby and it is on!

In British Columbia, Asian immigration overtakes the aging population by a ratio of 4,000,000 to 1. The last, elderly, Baby Boomer, who was out in the back yard gardening, didn't notice.

BC becomes BLITISH CORUMBIA..it's only fair.

Alberta is annexed by Texas and becomes OILBERTY. The Jackalope becomes the official Provincial Mascot and a new slogan is adopted. Cocky Bastards!

Manitoba and Saskatchewan finally join forces. Both Provinces were tired of having "funny sounding names" so they rename it SASQUATCHOOHAW. Problem solved.

Like a black hole, Ontario collapses under the weight of it's own self importance and virtually falls off the economic map. It becomes a hollow shell known as YAWNTARIO.

Residents flee to the East Coast to find jobs.

In a fit of frustration the Central Co-Operative Council Of Canaduh makes a final attempt to shutup the separatits in Quebec. A lit cigarette is added to the Beaver on the National Coat of Arms.

This huge concession is narrowly rejected by a vote of 118 to 112.

Another referendum ensues and GOBACK (Inglush translation of GOBEQUE) leaves and is hauled back to France.

The richest part of Canaduh is now the East Coast. With the proceeds of their bottomless supply of offshore oil they buy Massachusetts and become NEWLABRITIMESETTS.

Nobody really notices 'cause day'all tak foonnea down dere h'anyways.

And there you have it...and you thought that we were boring!

I READ IT IN THE PAPER

SO IT MUST BE TRUE!

According to the American Newspaper lobby, the following percentages apply to people who purchase, steal, or borrow a Newspaper on the way to the washroom:

65-87% read the Main NEWS & Front Page..

85% Local News...

63% Advertising pure bullsh*t..

56% International/National News...

55-59% Sports...

44% Editorial Page & Entertainment/Lifestyle...

42% Business...

39% read the Comics & Classified

13% Home & Decorating

Do you "BUY" any of that?

Craigslist has an article on newspaper-sections-rendered-obsolete by the INTERNET: FRONT PAGE / NEWS/ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR/ RESTAURANT & MOVIE REVIEWS/ WEATHER.

The article suggests that your local Newspaper's strong suits are supposedly: OBITUARIES, OPINION & COMICS? Who still reads Comics?

I'd say people want to know about the LOCAL NEWS & EVENTS and they will keep buying Newspapers until the Publisher or some enterprising group starts producing an interactive on-line version.

60-66% of those who slog through the day-old Local, National & International NEWS, Business, Finance, & Politics, Weather, Letters from the Readers, and the Opinions & Editorials, are members of the dreaded and universally despised Older Male group. Bastards!

50 % of the readers who check out the Sports section are self-loathing, bitter, insecure, beer-purchasing, asexual, males. The other 50% are single males.

75% of those who devour the Crosswords, Su-Do-Ku, and Bridge tips, remember when Elizabeth the First was Queen!

Younger Metrosexual males glance at the newspapers for automobiles, movie listings, and Celebrity Gossip. This demographic would like to see more pictures.

Women 25-50 account for 4 out of 5 readers who read the Society-People, Tourism-Travel, Style-Fashion, Cooking, Health, Home & Decoration, Family, Kids & Youthzzzzzzzzzz.

Women 50+ scour the Classifieds for Divorce Lawyers, Cosmetic Surgeons, used-untraceable Handguns, Cougar-friendly Lounges, Horoscopes and the Personals where they troll for emotionally-unavailable, bitter, single men without baggage.

Every morning I read the OH-bitch-uaries...OH look who died! Life's a bitch innit?

I love those idiotic "Letters to the Editor" which always feature "one normal-sounding person" who is familiar with the concepts of the 21st Century.

The rest of the regulars or "Regs of society" are the same 15 asshats who go off on tangents with vitriolic, self-righteous, myopic, uninformed, tirades about "kids today" or the "price of Tea in China"...exasperated end of the world stuff.

These always begin with "when I was a your age" or "we never had ____ and we turned out OK" and end with a reference to Bob Hope, the signing of the Magna Carta, or an obscure Bible verse from the Kingeth Jameseth Editioneth.

The younger "Reg's" are either raving Time Capsuled Marxists, Anti-EVERYTHINGers, or just attention-starved opinionistas who didn't get enough hugs from their Mommy..whose liver they were nibbling on (with some fava beans and a nice chianti) when the police stormed in.

OK, I always read the Local Tragedy Section which is entirely made up of horrible accidents, Crime, Business Crime, Political Crime, and Street Gang Crime, ...the National & International NEWS happened yesterday so I either saw it on TV or the Internet.

I don't read the Sports unless my bff wrote a piece. I never look at the Classified or Automotive section. I do however enjoy the colourful yet disturbingly inaccurate Weather forecast map..which the Newspaper creates in the staff room with volunteers, Tequila shooters, and a colour-coded dart board.

Just as Real Estate is all about Location, Location, Location, Newspapers need to focus on all things LOCAL, LOCAL, & LOCAL!

The other thing that I appreciate is that folks editorialising out here on the Interwebs can speak freely in the vernacular of the great unwashed. If the Mayor or Minister of Edumacation or Goalie for the local Hockey Team are complete f*cking asshats, then you can say that.

You can't say what you feel in the Paper unless you actually want your house egged, the tires on your car slashed, or a hit-squad from one of the "Stan" countries storming your home with a freshly minted fatwa.

You are only allowed to express yourself openly in the Letters To The Editor if you are unleashing your self-serving, self-righteous indignation, as a member of one of the ubiquitous groups that are government funded, politically-correct, exclusive, all-encompassing, anti-democratic, perpetually-victimized associations..

gasp..

which is currently engaged in an all-out, winner-take-all war with society whose primary objective is to eliminate any vestiges of empirical reasoning, logic, common sense, and the mother-flippin' worst concept of all, the greater f*cking good!

Do you still read "the Paper"?

SHORT & SWEET

AFRICkAn MESSage for all of us

A quick setup: Friday night I had supper with some wonderful acquaintances from KENYA and Saturday & Sunday I was hugging it out with my daughters' choreographer who is from MOZAMBIQUE.

Then last night I watched The INTERPRETER (an assassination attempt on an African despot scheduled to make a speech at the U.N. starring Nicole Kidman & Sean Penn thinly disguised stab at ZimBOB'sway tyrant Bob Mugabe) and it occurred to me that since our species originated in Africa, maybe that is where we will start disappearing?

When I was a kid I loved Africa...well the Lions, Rhinos, Elephants..to me it was a gigantic Game Reserve. Every Saturday night I'd watch Tarzan and every Sunday there would be a couple of "Nature" programs. Our patrician Western view overlooked the people and concentrated on the wildlife.

We loved Africa but not Africans!

During the 60s I became aware that "we are all Kenyans" and that humans originated in Africa when I started reading about Anthropaleontologist Richard_Leakey and his Father in National Geographic Magazine. Leakey has had an incredible life which mirrors the transition of our Western View.

His decision as head of the Kenyan Wildlife and Management Department in 89 to shoot Poachers on sight encapsulated the zeitgeist of the African Wildlife debacle; if you recall Elephants and their Ivory tusks once represented the ecological awareness movement, just as the Polar Bear = Global Warming today.

Leakey's view that the National Parks were a place to protect the wildlife by keeping people out still resonates with common sense for most of us in the West. Make room for the Wildlife, at least they have an excuse for acting like animals. Unlike the psychotic monsters who force others, even child soldiers, to hack women and children to death with machetes, necklace them with burning petrol-soaked tires, or mow down entire villages with a machine gun after raping all the girls and women.

As Gord Gekko said in the Movie Wall Street. "The thing that you need to remember about Wasps (white anglo-saxon protestants) is that they LOVE animals..can't stand people."

Forty years later I see the "Dark Continent" in a totally different light. Gone are the days that I imagined it as a time-travellers paradise where one could still look back into an Edenic wonderland of Wildlife and simple noble tribesmen content to live side by side in the Neolithic Age.

Now it's been replaced by years of TV ads showing horrifying images of starving children, the HIV epidemic, Blood Diamonds, the genocidic horrors in Darfur and Rwanda, Somali Pirates, Tribal barbarism, and we still see images of poaching for Bush Meat and profit.

I admit that unlike BONO , I am still more concerned about the Wildlife?

Post Colonial Africa is circling the drain.... it is the poorest and most dangerous Continent on Earth for Humans to live. Why do Westerners worry about the survival of African Elephants, yet feel as if the probability of improving the lives of the African People is a hopeless cause?

Over half of the sub-Saharan countries are authoritarian states. The revolving door of despotism and pillaging foreign aid to amass personal fortune seems to be the standard form of Government throughout most of Africa.

According to the Economist, four generations of constant WAR can be partially attributed to dietary influenced neuro-biological defeciencies which manifests itself with low intelligence..

combined with a culture of fear, ageless tribal animosity, and poor educational opportunities, creates a perfect storm for conflict and misery.


According to this SURVEY , the 4th annual report prepared by the Fund For Peace, a mere 15 Countries on the planet are rated as having sustainable balanced political stability.

They are..
Japan 127.7M

Belgium 10.7M

Luxembourg 491,700

Netherlands 16.5M

Canada 33.5M

Austria 8.4M

Australia 21.6M

Denmark 5.5M

New Zealand 4.3M

Iceland 325,500

Switzerland 7.7M

Ireland 4.5M

Sweden 9.3M

Finland 5.3M

Norway 4.8M

Humans originated in Africa and after 150,000 years of transitioning from hunter-gatherers to Civilization and spreading out across the globe and the best that we can do is produce 15 frickin' countries that are OK!?

265 Million people out of 6.7Billion!

"This is an assessment of the pressures on stability and political risk of countries by focusing on 12 key economic, social, and political indicators and 5 Core Institutions; Leadership, Military, Judiciary, Police & Civil Services, plus local issues, and their relations with other countries in the region."

There are synoptic, single-paragraph summations at the end of each review..click here to check out your COUNTRY.

Of the 177 Countries assessed;

1-35 rated ALERT

36-127 WARNING

128-162 MODERATE

163-177 SUSTAINABLE

Here are the 15 Nations in immediate crisis, no big surprises but look at all the African nations!

Somalia 8.6M

Sudan 38.5M

Zimbabwe 13.3M

Chad 10.7M

Iraq 28.9M

Congo 62.6M

Afghanistan 27.1M

Cote d'Ivoire 19.2M

Pakistan 165.8M

Central African Republic 4.3M

Guinea 9.3M

Bangladesh 158.6M

Burma 48.7M

Haiti 9.5M

North Korea 23.7M

Look at the African Nations listed under ALERT or WARNING!

All but Mauritius, which was rated Moderate like the USeh.

#80 Algeria

#56 Angola

#100 Benin

#120 Botswana

#36 Burkina Faso

#24 Burundi

#33 Cameroon

#65 Cape Verde

#10 Central African Republic

#4 Chad

#74 Comoros

#26 Rebuplic of Congo

#8 Cote d'Ivoire

#5 Democratic Republic of the Congo

#71 Djibouti

#40 Egypt

#42 Equatorial Guinea

#44 Eritrea

#16 Ethiopia

#93 Gabon

#83 Gambia

#123 Ghana

#11 Guinea

#32 Guinea-Bissau

#26 Kenya

#61 Lesotho

#34 Liberia
#111 Lybia

#86 Madagascar

#29 Malawi

#89 Mali

#47 Mauritania

#148 Mauritius

#88 Morocco

#85 Mozambique

#98 Namibia

#22 Niger

#19 Nigeria

#43 Rwanda

#78 SanTome

#107 Senegal

#114 Seychelles

#31 Sierra Leone

#1 Somalia

#125 South Africa

#72 Swaziland

#2 Sudan

#75 Tanzania

#45 Togo

#122 Tunisia

#17 Uganda

#63 Zambia

#3 Zimbabwe

The African Continent, the cradle of Mankind and home to nearly 1 Billion Humans is in A-frickin mess!

I contend that the Cosmic Creator may have left us a valuable clue by making the shape of the African Continent look exactly like a Human skull.

Africa holds the answers to our origins, maybe it also holds the answers to our demise?

Do you think that we will see the "beginning of the end" where it all began?

THE ROAD TO EQUALITY HARD ON DRIVERS

One of the worst things about surviving a Winter in Whateverpeg is the driving.

To begin with, it's f-f-f*cking c-c-c-old and that is extremely hard on both the drivers and their vehicles.


Not only that, you have to contend with

plugging in your vehicle's engine warmer,

scraping the ice of the car windows every morning,

warm-up the engine before you can travel.

After that you must try to manoeuvre through deep snow, black ice, huge ruts and potholes until you get stuck in traffic because some idiot up ahead freaks out and drives 5 mph.


When driving out on the Highway you need to keep one eye open for Snow Plows that come charging straight at you like a a runaway freight train!

Since Winters in Whateverpeg are six months long, everyone likes to bust out of their shells when it finally warms up and we can experience vast improvements in driving conditions.

I live in one of the 3 Canadian Provinces that recognises and protects gender equality..it says so in Wikipedia so it must be true. This includes the Right, regardless of your gender, to be half nekkid whether you are mowing the lawn or behind the wheel. RIGHT ON!

This is not an entitlement, it is a Right, that should be taken advantage of by women. If lovin' this is wrong I don't wanna be right.

As for the habitual, ubiquitous, fat-ugly-hairy-men drivin' half-nekkid?

Maybe not-so-much.

Driving with the top down arrived following a massive, grassroots campaign led by concerned citizens such as automotive repair industry workers, university frat houses and lesbian sororities.

The number of vehicular collisions during the Summer is up 1,000%.
Talk about hard-on drivers! The number of accidents recorded as a direct result of men rubbernecking and getting their parts caught in the steering wheel, forced officials to come up with a new term for this phenomenon.

Penicular bonercide is the fancy-schmancy, legalese term, that legal experts came up with to expedite the backlog of court cases which challenge the Right of half-nekkid women to operate moter vehicles in broad daylight.

Penicular Bonercide Suits are usually filed against women, usually by men, which seek compensation for penitive damages.

The court must decide whether or not the " violent physical altercation between a male driver's aroused wenis and a very unforgiving steering wheel" was pre-metitated.

One other aspect of driving down the road to equality, is that Canada routinely enacts legislation of this nature in a subliminal attempt to piss off the 50% of Americans who are Puritannical Fundy Asshats...very passive-aggressive eh?

Previous Acts of Parliament devised to "YANK their chain" include Gay Marriage, Decriminalising Marijuana, Bilingualism and adopting Metric..

and don't tell them but we don't even use metric pfft!

The road to equality can be hard on all of us.

We all just need to get ahold of ourselves and..

BUCKLE-UP!

SEASONAL RATES AVAILABLE
Assuming that most of us will be functioning on a cellular level for approximately 80 years I thought that it might be interesting to rate my seasons. 80 divides into 4 nice little sections but a lot of stuff can happen in a decade, so to be honest I would need to break it down and average the two decades.

SPRING B

1957-67 Ages 1-10 B+

I was a shy sheltered kid who lived in small rural town, experienced fate of 1 in 6 boys 'F-', moved to the big city by grade 4. I remember watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, the televised Vietnam War, but mainly watched cartoons on TV, memorised animal encyclopedia & loved drawing.

1968-1977 Ages 11-20 B-

I went to Disneyland, remember watching Armstrong walk on the Moon, started kissing girls in Junior High, Mr Party in HIGH School (still managed to win the Most Inspirational Student Award?) I had so much fun in Gr. 12 that I stayed an extra year! No criminal record. Travel Western USA & Europe.

SUMMER B

1978-87 Ages 21-30 B+

Go to College, Dad dies 'F', found Jesus & got married, my 2 Daughters born 'A+', switch careers from TV to Commercial Real Estate

1988-97 Ages 31-40 C-

meet #1 Son 'A+', but get divorced & lose Jesus, career & self respect, enter shame spiral, curse the day I was born, hit rock bottom. 'F'

AUTUMN A

1998-2007 Ages 41-50 A

Ascend shame spiral, marry soulmate sweetie A+, greet Son #2 A+, start small Painting business, get addicted to Blogging, relieved and surprised to outlive Father's genetic predisposition, watch all 4 children flourish, hit "5" on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it's all good!

2008-2017 Ages 51-60? A+

Um.. got snipped but no serious health issues (touch wood..ooh yeah), enjoy validating my very existance each day, living in the moment, finding my car keys, and making preparations for worldwide Fame & Fortune which I will hopefully handle as well as George Clooney seems to...or not.

WINTER ? A+

2018-2027 Ages 61-70 A+

Looking forward to some travelling, becoming a Grandpapa, pulling my pants up above my waist and complaining about the Government full time, win Nobel Peace Prize, Oscar & People's Sexiest Man Alive.

2028-2037 Ages 71-80 A+

More Grandkids, blurred vision, more brain-fog, arthritis and a few gastro-intestinal issues, fully expect to expire with a big smile in bed following an artery-choking priapismic-induced explosion in my brain courtesy of Viagra :)

then I'll be re-absorbed into the cosmos and hopefully my molecullar bits will be recycled into some cute Puppies.

All in all a rather normal stint.

How would you rate your Seasons?