I READ IT IN THE PAPER
SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
According to the American Newspaper lobby, the following percentages apply to people who purchase, steal, or borrow a Newspaper on the way to the washroom:
65-87% read the Main NEWS & Front Page..
85% Local News...
63% Advertising pure bullsh*t..
56% International/National News...
44% Editorial Page & Entertainment/Lifestyle...
39% read the Comics & Classified
13% Home & Decorating
Do you "BUY" any of that?
Craigslist has an article on newspaper-sections-rendered-obsolete by the INTERNET: FRONT PAGE / NEWS/ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR/ RESTAURANT & MOVIE REVIEWS/ WEATHER.
The article suggests that your local Newspaper's strong suits are supposedly: OBITUARIES, OPINION & COMICS? Who still reads Comics?
I'd say people want to know about the LOCAL NEWS & EVENTS and they will keep buying Newspapers until the Publisher or some enterprising group starts producing an interactive on-line version.
60-66% of those who slog through the day-old Local, National & International NEWS, Business, Finance, & Politics, Weather, Letters from the Readers, and the Opinions & Editorials, are members of the dreaded and universally despised Older Male group. Bastards!
50 % of the readers who check out the Sports section are self-loathing, bitter, insecure, beer-purchasing, asexual, males. The other 50% are single males.
75% of those who devour the Crosswords, Su-Do-Ku, and Bridge tips, remember when Elizabeth the First was Queen!
Younger Metrosexual males glance at the newspapers for automobiles, movie listings, and Celebrity Gossip. This demographic would like to see more pictures.
Women 25-50 account for 4 out of 5 readers who read the Society-People, Tourism-Travel, Style-Fashion, Cooking, Health, Home & Decoration, Family, Kids & Youthzzzzzzzzzz.
Women 50+ scour the Classifieds for Divorce Lawyers, Cosmetic Surgeons, used-untraceable Handguns, Cougar-friendly Lounges, Horoscopes and the Personals where they troll for emotionally-unavailable, bitter, single men without baggage.
Every morning I read the OH-bitch-uaries...OH look who died! Life's a bitch innit?
I love those idiotic "Letters to the Editor" which always feature "one normal-sounding person" who is familiar with the concepts of the 21st Century.
The rest of the regulars or "Regs of society" are the same 15 asshats who go off on tangents with vitriolic, self-righteous, myopic, uninformed, tirades about "kids today" or the "price of Tea in China"...exasperated end of the world stuff.
These always begin with "when I was a your age" or "we never had ____ and we turned out OK" and end with a reference to Bob Hope, the signing of the Magna Carta, or an obscure Bible verse from the Kingeth Jameseth Editioneth.
The younger "Reg's" are either raving Time Capsuled Marxists, Anti-EVERYTHINGers, or just attention-starved opinionistas who didn't get enough hugs from their Mommy..whose liver they were nibbling on (with some fava beans and a nice chianti) when the police stormed in.
OK, I always read the Local Tragedy Section which is entirely made up of horrible accidents, Crime, Business Crime, Political Crime, and Street Gang Crime, ...the National & International NEWS happened yesterday so I either saw it on TV or the Internet.
I don't read the Sports unless my bff wrote a piece. I never look at the Classified or Automotive section. I do however enjoy the colourful yet disturbingly inaccurate Weather forecast map..which the Newspaper creates in the staff room with volunteers, Tequila shooters, and a colour-coded dart board.
Just as Real Estate is all about Location, Location, Location, Newspapers need to focus on all things LOCAL, LOCAL, & LOCAL!
The other thing that I appreciate is that folks editorialising out here on the Interwebs can speak freely in the vernacular of the great unwashed. If the Mayor or Minister of Edumacation or Goalie for the local Hockey Team are complete f*cking asshats, then you can say that.
You can't say what you feel in the Paper unless you actually want your house egged, the tires on your car slashed, or a hit-squad from one of the "Stan" countries storming your home with a freshly minted fatwa.
You are only allowed to express yourself openly in the Letters To The Editor if you are unleashing your self-serving, self-righteous indignation, as a member of one of the ubiquitous groups that are government funded, politically-correct, exclusive, all-encompassing, anti-democratic, perpetually-victimized associations..
which is currently engaged in an all-out, winner-take-all war with society whose primary objective is to eliminate any vestiges of empirical reasoning, logic, common sense, and the mother-flippin' worst concept of all, the greater f*cking good!
Do you still read "the Paper"?