Wednesday, March 11, 2009



According to the American Newspaper lobby, the following percentages apply to people who purchase, steal, or borrow a Newspaper on the way to the washroom:

65-87% read the Main NEWS & Front Page..

85% Local News...

63% Advertising pure bullsh*t..

56% International/National News...

55-59% Sports...

44% Editorial Page & Entertainment/Lifestyle...

42% Business...

39% read the Comics & Classified

13% Home & Decorating

Do you "BUY" any of that?

Craigslist has an article on newspaper-sections-rendered-obsolete by the INTERNET: FRONT PAGE / NEWS/ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR/ RESTAURANT & MOVIE REVIEWS/ WEATHER.

The article suggests that your local Newspaper's strong suits are supposedly: OBITUARIES, OPINION & COMICS? Who still reads Comics?

I'd say people want to know about the LOCAL NEWS & EVENTS and they will keep buying Newspapers until the Publisher or some enterprising group starts producing an interactive on-line version.

60-66% of those who slog through the day-old Local, National & International NEWS, Business, Finance, & Politics, Weather, Letters from the Readers, and the Opinions & Editorials, are members of the dreaded and universally despised Older Male group. Bastards!

50 % of the readers who check out the Sports section are self-loathing, bitter, insecure, beer-purchasing, asexual, males. The other 50% are single males.

75% of those who devour the Crosswords, Su-Do-Ku, and Bridge tips, remember when Elizabeth the First was Queen!

Younger Metrosexual males glance at the newspapers for automobiles, movie listings, and Celebrity Gossip. This demographic would like to see more pictures.

Women 25-50 account for 4 out of 5 readers who read the Society-People, Tourism-Travel, Style-Fashion, Cooking, Health, Home & Decoration, Family, Kids & Youthzzzzzzzzzz.

Women 50+ scour the Classifieds for Divorce Lawyers, Cosmetic Surgeons, used-untraceable Handguns, Cougar-friendly Lounges, Horoscopes and the Personals where they troll for emotionally-unavailable, bitter, single men without baggage.

Every morning I read the OH-bitch-uaries...OH look who died! Life's a bitch innit?

I love those idiotic "Letters to the Editor" which always feature "one normal-sounding person" who is familiar with the concepts of the 21st Century.

The rest of the regulars or "Regs of society" are the same 15 asshats who go off on tangents with vitriolic, self-righteous, myopic, uninformed, tirades about "kids today" or the "price of Tea in China"...exasperated
end of the world stuff.

These always begin with "when I was a your age" or "we never had ____ and we turned out OK" and end with a reference to Bob Hope, the signing of the Magna Carta, or an obscure Bible verse from the Kingeth Jameseth Editioneth.

The younger "Reg's" are either raving Time Capsuled Marxists, Anti-EVERYTHINGers, or just attention-starved opinionistas who didn't get enough hugs from their Mommy..whose liver they were nibbling on (with some fava beans and a nice chianti) when the police stormed in.

OK, I always read the Local Tragedy Section which is entirely made up of horrible accidents, Crime, Business Crime, Political Crime, and Street Gang Crime, ...the National & International NEWS happened yesterday so I either saw it on TV or the Internet.

I don't read the Sports unless my bff wrote a piece. I never look at the Classified or Automotive section. I do however enjoy the colourful yet disturbingly inaccurate Weather forecast map..which the Newspaper creates in the staff room with volunteers, Tequila shooters, and a colour-coded dart board.

Just as Real Estate is all about Location, Location, Location, Newspapers need to focus on all things LOCAL, LOCAL, & LOCAL!

The other thing that I appreciate is that folks editorialising out here on the Interwebs can speak freely in the vernacular of the great unwashed. If the Mayor or Minister of Edumacation or Goalie for the local Hockey Team are complete f*cking asshats, then you can say that.

You can't say what you feel in the Paper unless you actually want your house egged, the tires on your car slashed, or a hit-squad from one of the "Stan" countries storming your home with a freshly minted fatwa.

You are only allowed to express yourself openly in the Letters To The Editor if you are unleashing your self-serving, self-righteous indignation, as a member of one of the ubiquitous groups that are government funded, politically-correct, exclusive, all-encompassing, anti-democratic, perpetually-victimized associations..


which is currently engaged in an all-out, winner-take-all war with society whose primary objective is to eliminate any vestiges of empirical reasoning, logic, common sense, and the mother-flippin' worst concept of all, the greater f*cking good!

Do you still read "the Paper"?


  1. Hi Donn, best thing if I can get it is The Week which rounds up the world news (OK there's an emphasis on British Stuff)

    I love picking up the local paper from wherever I am visiting just to see what occupies the people in that area.

    Love reading the Lonely Hearts


  2. The two daily local rags in my city are suitable for sanitary purposes if you have an outhouse.

  3. LULU
    Soon I will be perusing the local papers in Mayheeko looking for lunch specials featuring that yummy bull testical soup and endangered Sea Turtle salad dressing..Oh and some packets of "seeds" to start a "magical" shrubbery in the garden.

    Now, Now. It must be very entertaining reading all the "positive" spin on your hometown's newfound title of gangsta-land slaying capital of Canada.

    One of the local rags must still carry a few ad's in inglash eh?
    Our rags Die VottEVERpeg-Freie Presse and Les Quoi-que-cachon Sun, are still printed in both of our official languages; Fraynch & Low German..
    LG is really just Dutch but wotth'avar.

  4. I take great offense to "women over 50 trolling for unavailable men!" I have never done that with the newspaper... online (not the paper online but dating websites), well that is another story, but one from my past. ;-)

    I don't buy the actual paper but do read it online. I like to cruise the the local news and then print out the crossword, which I only do at work.

    I always read the obits too... but then, considering my line of work, that is not really surprising, is it?

  5. From $35 to $85 with fewer sections I fear I shall be stopping when my subscription runs out. I read whats on the telly.

    I think I've had 2 letters published, the one about castrating priests didn't get printed. I mean if they have taken a vow it shouldn't matter if they are serious right?

    I don't read on the bog as shitting is the only joy I have at my age and if it happens I want to savor it.

  6. I feel guilty now - but I only read the locals when I need a plumber.

    You are doing crosswords at work!
    I'm telling.

    I'm sorry if you felt offended but I thought that the line about untraceable Handguns added a symapthetic angle to this 'feel-good' piece?

    HAHA Why that priest story got canned is beyond me? You're right if their balls ain't being used they won't be missed...
    or maybe their balls IS being used..hmmm?
    Makes ya wonder donnit?

    I'm delighted to learn that your your southern hemisphere is in good working order but that is a bit TMI.

    If we didn't get the morning paper I would only need one recycling bin..I'm sick of recycling... anyway, it's China's problem now.

    Guilty Schmilty!
    Don't you have a local phone directory? I think that you may be fibbing a little...
    come on, what else are you peeking at? Movie times? Secret messages in the personals from other double-agents?

  8. LOL. I don't buy the paper. When I lived in the town that I grew up in, I read the police blotter to see how many people I knew had been arrested.

    Now when I visit my parents (still in that town) I read the COMICS! And the ads, if there are holiday sales coming up.

  9. Nope. When the local excuse for a newspaper throws a free copy in the driveway, it goes straight to the recycle bin.

  10. People with woodstoves and bird cages will always need a good newspaper, and yes, if I come across a used Sunday paper, I always read Bloom County and that other high-minded one which I can't recall right now............AND WE LOVED IT!!!


    I AM over 50, ya know..........and I'll deny it if you tell anybody......

  11. I'm with Hoodchick; I read the paper for the Sunday comics and the blotter report. Also, I like looking at the pictures, esp. in the ads and real estate section.

    In high school, I wrote a letter to the editor protesting the unfair decision of the high school athletics governing board. It led to a mass protest, a near riot, and an emergency meeting of the PTA, the Director of Education, the Police Commissioner, and student reps to resolve the matter at hand and prevent the escalating violence. Good times.

  12. Donn.... tag - you're it! Come to my blog and see!

  13. I was never big on newspaper reading... I read the Sunday Times "back page" for the gossip and the sex stories if someone near me had bought it, and I like the cartoons- but apart from that I can prolly count on one hand the number of times I have bought my own paper in my life.

  14. 80% of people ignore surveys.

  15. I always buy a local paper, but then I used to be a hack so have some sympathy for the poor sods who still work in the industry.

    Sadly, in the UK at least, most regional papers have given up on real news and pack the pages with press releases churned out by poorly-paid, badly-trained young "reporters".

    I had a month editing the letters page a few years ago - there are some very odd folk out there.

  16. The only paper worth reading is the UK Guardian IMHO. Other than that the New York Times is hilarious for the marriage section, plenty of gays of course and it is just an excuse to crow about one's achievments ie: Joseph has a PhD in Advanced Origami, a house in the Hamptons, worked six years in the peace corps, does fantastic blow jobs and has the body of an adonis.

    Bless you. Those small town papers are awesome..I read my MIL's.
    So&so drove through so&so's fence after church..

    So&so's 6th daughter married so&so's 8th son and yes, she has a wonderful "personality" and sews her own clothes

    The price of Barley went up by
    .09875342 cents/bushel yesterday and that has local farmers thinking about buying brand new$476,000 combines!

    Oh and the obits are all identical and the people look exactly the same..yep, ya gotta love 'em.

    What resolve! Is it really bad? Like really-really-really bad?

    I hate all the ads because they are the same ads that were in 10 years ago. ..and don't they know that the word SALE is absolutely meaningless now.

    The tall foreheads on Madison Avenue killed that word 5 decades ago..why do they still use it?

    Oh relax I'm over 50 too and I read the gawdamn paper from front to back 7 days a week.

    I keep thinking that I am going to get a deeper examination of the issues..full of quotes that have been verified by atleast two sources...and I do to some extent..but they happened yesterday!

    Why you muckraking little sh*t-disturber. That must have been so rewarding!

    Oh if I could do that I would send in letters all the time. Unfortunately my views do NOT exactly dovetail with those of the great unwashed. My good name as a model citizen might be sullied and a shunning would be in order.

    I wouldn't mind that but the rest of my family prolly would.

    Oh dear I feel a meme coming on...let me hem and haw for a bit.
    I have 76 applications in my inbox at Facebook too.

    Gadzooks woman! How is that possible?

    I imagine that there is a lot of disDURBAN news in SA..even more in Joberg! It would be depressing to read about the murder capital of the world. I don't think that I could take it either.

    What utter Hogwash! I happen to know that 79.9% of people ignore surveys.

    Please try to get y'er facts straight before you come barging in here with your hyperbole.

    Well that's the problem with Democracy innit? There are too many whackjobs that throw off the curve.

    The new breed of reporter has a tough row to hoe. They feel compelled to let their personality tinge the if the article was something of an ongoing conversation. I sort of remember when the various media sort of sliced up the pie and each let the other specialise. Those days are over because the Interwebs can do all of their jobs..and faster..and right to their customer's home!

    HAHAHA! That sounds delicious! Are the Obits equally sprinkled with such gheyity, unbridled enthusiasm & aplomb?

    I quoted an article stating that Newsprint needs to focus on LOCAL personal crap..I mean stuff.

    I'm hoping that the Baby Boomer's really get into flowery feel-good Obits that focus on who that person was and not where they worked.

    Seriously, soon Funerals will be known as Life Celebrations and we won't need to endure all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth at those tedious angstfests... wondering whether or not the "special guest" squeaked through the pearly gates...not to mention the hymns!
    Don't get me started on Hymns!

  18. Do you know, I used to enjoy reading the papers, but now my concentration span is shot to shit by the internet, and I can only take in the headlines. I get the gist of what is going on though - I know the yanks just got a new president.

  19. I mooch the paper that a coworker brings to work in the lunch room to read the comics. Yes. The comics. A little Bizarro. OK, and the cryptoquip. I've done those since I was a kid. We used to have a competition at coffee to see who could solve it first (me)...yes I work with nerds. And I am the Queen of Quip. :)

    For news I just check the CBC website. Our local paper isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

    For some reason when you asked about "the paper" all I could think of was So I Married an Axe Murderer & how Charlie's Mom thought the Weekly World News was fact and called it "the paper"...

  20. I'm one of those bastards who writes to newspaper editors in response to some of the dimwits who have written letters to the editor previously. It's a crazy circle of letter writin' I tell ya... I call them out by name and sign my own name at the end... gotta come up with a moniker. - this surely means I am going to be hunted down one of these days...

    PST - I also scan the sports section (but I have an excuse...)


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