A MAN NEEDS TO HEAR IT.

Every once and a while a man finds himself at one with universe. The natural order of things is discarded and put aside. Nature reclaims her special little guy.

Yes every so often it happens
and a man needs to hear it from time to time.

That special lady in his life, exasperated and exhausted, will look down from the top of the stairs, and with half a smile gently mumble three magical words as she shuffles out of view.

With his heart pounding in his pyjamas the man looks up from the newspaper for a sign...Wait a minute..Yes!.. There it was, the message!
Pinch yourself boy..You might be dreaming. It is all happening in slow motion now..just like a dream..

Could your selective hearing be deceiving you? No Damnit!
Houston we are set to launch. From Mission Control comes one small message for man, one giant leap for his kind.

Yes out from the tired capitulating lips of a woman who is half asleep comes
three small words that define what it is to be a man....
three little words that still make sense...
three tiny words that keep him going...

"Make it quick".

happy 40 LADYWORDSMITH
http://ladywordsmith.blogspot.com/









There was a dutch wordsmith,
Who lived in a clog;
Who skated canals,
now obfuscates with her blog.

She plays with her words,
then tosses a thread;
She whips us all soundly,
With what she had said.

Now abfab at forty,
With pages to spare;
Releasing her wisdom,
A breath of fresh air.

She eschews the ersatz,
Obstreperous on occasion;
Her kaleidoscope views,
Wet my fascination.

HEY HOSAMMUH!
'member this ole timey song?
(with apologies to the George & Ira Gershwin)

Things have come to a pretty pass
My performance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that,

Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh I don't know where I'm at...
It looks as if this war will never be won
Something must be done:

Chorus -
(c'mon you know it,
the old po-tayto po-tato)

You say hizballah and I say haz-bool-ah
You say osama and I say ho-sam-muh
hizballah,
haz-bool-ah
osama,
ho-sam-muh,
Let's call the whole thing off.


You like al-Qaeda and I like al-keye-duh,
You like sharia and I like shar-eye-ah
al-Qaeda,
al-keye-duh,
sharia,
shar-eye-ah,

(everybody)


Let's call
the whole thing off ?!

COUNTRY MUSIC SUCKS THE HIND ONE!

Is there anything in the free world that is more
disingeuous than Country Music.
No really!

These performers want to look as hip as rock stars but need to rely on an incredulous charade that dictates their ridiculous portrayal of good ol boys and hillbilly hotties
full of gawd n' country
family values and Yee Haw lots of BEER!

The 'aw shucks
I gots me sum troubles
jus like you fellers'
schtick that these yahoos expect us to swallow just kills me.
That crapola is easily as contrived as the groupie bangin' 80s hair metal gang.
(oops maybe that was true I had better call Tommy Lee..he's still milkin' it)

Guess what?
Millionaire Marlboro Men
ridin' dirt bikes at sunset n' knockin' down rows of corn in pickups loaded with stacked nymphomaniacs wearin' Daisy Mae cutoffs in them thar videos ain't exactly how Ma and Pa Kettle is livin' back in Arkeesaw. Puhleeze!

I don't exactly know why I loathe it so. I think that it is because they don't own their hypocrisy. Those country music award shows present everyone as a goddamn red blooded merkin' who loves jezus and they'd take a bullet fer the prezdent too!
I hate it when they sniff up to the religious right and pretend that they only play country music in heaven.

Hello! As far as I can tell once you get past the Pearly Gates
everyone up there speaks German anyway DUH!
The only music you'll hear is Wagner, Strauss, Schubert, Mozart and Beethoven. Oh yeah and maybe a few hymns..but not the depressing ones and never more than two verses.

Anyway..
I think that the big problem is that now ALL musicians have to be actors and own fashion lines.
You can no longer make it just being a singer songwriter..
now you have to be a BRAND.
I suppose that Country Music is just as guilty as the rest of them.

Please do not get me started on those
bling-loaded gangsta rappers
who brag about their pastlife of sellin' crack on da 'shtree and now they're countin' Benjamins and nailin' ho's...
then they get onstage and start thanking jezus. bleh!

So OK...I have vented a bit and realised that I detest all of the phoneys. Look at those dinosaur Rock Stars who dangle the 'look-at-me-I-have-ingested-every-drug-known-to-man-for-3-decades-and-I-am-so-cool' (yes Ozzie) but at concerts they stand there and yell
HEY KIDS..SCORE GOALS..NOT DRUGS!


Let's face it, Video killed the Radio Star and now the
CORPORATION has killed the entire music industry!
It is a complete mess...but I think that Country Music still pretends to have some 'cred and the others are winking at us and owning their bullsh*t.

Which genre of music do you think is the
worst offender?

WANNA SEE MY WILLY?

Frontier Editor said...

"I almost forgot HE - would there happen to be a Willy Coppens in your family tree in the last century or so? "

"HE's ancestor was a hairy-chested, he-man WW I fighter pilot who had the guts to pancake his Hanriot fighter on top of a German observation ballon, roll off and air-start his engine before escaping a whole lot of German ack-ack."

Here is my Willy.
WILLY COPPENS











Willy Coppens was indeed Belgium's leading WW1 Fighter Ace with 34'victories' and yes Willy specialised in shooting down German observation balloons!?
As Frontier Editor noted on one occasion he accidentally lodged his aircraft on top of a balloon!
Incredible as it sounds, Willy had the presence of mind to cut his engine and wait for the plane to roll off the GAS filled balloon before starting it up and flying off.

On Oct.14, 1918, Coppens shot down #34, another balloon, before a hail of anti-aircraft fire tore into his plane and shrapnel lodged into his leg.
Willy managed to pull his Harriot out of a spin and made a crash landing. He survived the wreck but had to have his leg amputated.
Willy Coppens was later knighted as a Chevalier by King Albert.

I can remember my grandfather, Joseph 'Jeff' Coppens, telling me stories about his heroic distant cousin Willy, as well as the horrors of
WORLD WAR ONE which my Grandfather unfortunately witnessed first hand and became the impetus for emigrating to Canada.
Actually I should have added this to the Flanders Fields/McCrae Medals post to complete my Belgian connection.

Since there are only a handful of Coppens over here in North America and it is a very unusual name, as a young lad I was thrilled hear about this stuff from my grandfather and see my last name in a real history book!
Luckily my Mother's German/Prussian side of the family had emigrated well before the expansion plans of the Kaiser and his Red Baron so we were allowed to boast about our famous Flying Ace.

I cannot to this day go past the word Kaiser (German; Caesar) without remembering a line from the film The Life And Times Of Judge Roy Bean starring Paul Newman. The line, recited by Ned Beatty, goes something like this...

"While all the boys was off fightin' the Kaiser the women got the vote and everything went to hell. All them things what came natural to a fella, drinkin', whorin' and gamblin' became illegal!"

Now I tend to reflect upon the First World War as a brutal senseless slaughterhouse that heralded the advent of modern warfare. The War to end all Wars failed to stop mankind's disturbing predilection for exterminating other humans and within a generation WW2 dragged us 'kicking and screaming' into the Age of the Atomic Bomb.

Any War Heroes in your closet?

METRIC SCHMETRIC!

I do not prefer (ie.HATE) the metric system.
The Canadian Government started our conversion in the 70s and for me it was too late.
I was born in '57 so I think in pounds, inches, feet, miles, and gallons.
I wish that my TIME magazine was the American edition because
I never know how tall anyone is
or how heavy things are in the articles.
Why don't the editors know that we still think in Imperial?


Our national metrication efforts have stalled in Canada and we now enjoy a bastardized system where most items are listed in Metric
but bought in Imperial.


Even if the items are listed in Metric Units nobody knows what the hell they mean especially if you are trying to build something.
We buy 2X4s at the Lumber Yard not
40X90s (Millimetres).


In Canada we may have gas prices listed in Litres but
we still convert it
back to Gallons before we can be certain that these prices are outrageous .
Retailers appreciate the consumer confusion because gas looks twice as affordable in Litres. Listen $1.17 sounds like gas is about a Buck a Gallon.


It all started in 1970 with the frickin' weather forecasts.
All of a sudden room temperature was 22 degrees Celsius?
What the....now we had to convert the frickin' temperature from Farenheit to Celsius.
The tedious formula required for figuring out how Fn' hot or cold it is outside is
F!?=(CX1.8)+32
In this equation the C stands for CRAP and I don't have to tell you what the F!? stands for.


The trouble is that Metric has no soul.
It is a lifeless bland smattering of numbers and values that offer us nothing more than information. Think of all of the phrases in history (walk a mile in his shoes/ don't give an inch) they are all in Imperial. When you're talkin' Farenheit there is a quantifiable difference between being 68 degrees outside and 85 degrees. It is more dramatic and much more satisfying and you think 'whew, that is hot'.


When someone says that it is 100 outside you know that it is
HOT!
In Celsius water boils at 100?!
Now if the weatherman said that it is going to hit 100 today I would get out my calculator and discover that it is actually 212 degrees F!?
That means that either a Nuclear Power plant must have imploded or that the Sun is on a collision course with Earth.
holy F!? that is hot.

Don't get me started on a dozen doughnuts.
By the way, today in Whateverpeg it is a pleasant 75 degrees F!? Outside and a government regulated 22 degrees C Inside?!!

Solipsism
is the view that only the self can be known.
L.solus (alone) & ipse(self)

That is of little comfort when homo escapeons like us are stuck here on Earth with 6 Billion other selves (selfish elves).
Since we need to pretend that we understand others in order to: stay sane, make a few friends, and avoid conflicts with idiots, we have invented simple methods to pigeonhole people.

The Socratic axiom that the goal of Life is to 'KNOW' thyself (mental masturbation) is a disturbing and time consuming affair that really interferes with our leisure time.
My Camusian obssession to pursue the absurd desire for clarity and meaning in a world that offers neither negates my inner child's desire to just sit and be entertained. What a drag.

In order to streamline things and free up a little more time to blog, we can compartmentalise people according to the time honored 'funny' theory of HUMORALISM aka the FOUR HUMOURS that was developed by Hippocrates and Aristotle, and later refined by Galen, Paracelsus and others.

The basis of this theory is that the body is composed of 4 main fluids or humours each of which directly affects personality: Blood/Phlegm/Yellow bile and Black bile.
Therefore logic would dictate that there are only 4 basic kinds of people:

Sanguine
(too much Blood) the Artisan; too happy, courageous, hopeful and amorous. They are also innovative, artistic, exploitive hedonists!
Hence the phrase why are you so bloody happy?

Phlegmatic
(Phlegm) the Guardian; too passive, calm and unemotional.
They are also traditional industrious wealth obssessed hoarders!
Not to be confused with being Flemish (of which I am 1/4.)

Choleric
(too much Yellow Bile) the Idealist; too angry, and bad tempered. They are also religious, hyperesthetical dogmaholic moralists!
Aha, the joyless puritanical (choleric) cleric!

Melancholic (too much Black Bile) the Rationalist; too gloomy, despondent, and sleepless. They are also skeptical, anesthetical, curious theorists! How pedestrian, ordinary and banal. Puh-leeze!


VERY SCIENTIFICKLE I MUST SAY!
but way, way,way too much information to digest.
Remember the Myer's cognitive function(1958) types that made a big comeback in the 80s. C'mon these humours were repackaged into 16 Personality types (ISFJ or ENTP etc) that were combinations of your natural predisposition towards....

INTROVERTED or EXTROVERTED
Your natural energy orientation is Introverted or Extroverted
(I or E)
Do you take your cues from people and activities or or live in your imaginary world?

SENSORY or INTUIITIVE
Your method of understanding is naturally Sensory or Intuitive
(S or N)
Do you live in the present based on specifics or speculate on what ifs?

THINKING or FEELING
You make choices or form judgements by Thinking or Feeling
(T or F)
Do you deal with Facts or react according to your unpredictable hormonal and pharmaceutical mood swings?

JUDGING or PERCEIVING
Your reaction to the outside world is Judging or Perceiving
(J or P)
Do you enjoy being a Neurotic Obssessive Overachiever or prefer the Whatever/Sh*t Happens laissez faire route?

As you can see this is all getting far too complicated and however unscientific and interesting it may be we just don't have enough time to categorise everybody with all of this fancy schmancy malarky.
(Too many notes!... my favorite line in the film Amadeus)



Thank you Oscar Wilde for compressing it all into 2 categories.
People are either
Charming
or
Tedious.

Isn't that easier?

class dismissed

Societies crumble when they reach for ideals instead of needs...

Do you remember waking up in your sociology class while the Instructer (who was always a huge lefty) was explaining the proportional demographics of our society. Well unfortunately he was absolutely right!

3% of the population is considered Upper Class...

Upper/Upper Class 1.5%
Old Money Twits ie. the Lucky Sperm Club
Main Objective in Life:
Guarding their Trust Fund
Typical response to hello:
"Good Lord Stanley who is this person?" or,
"Pardon me, would you by any chance happen to have any Grey Poupon?"


Lower/Upper Class 1.5%
Well Established Professionals & Big Business Owners ie. Big Shots
Main Objective in Life:
Pretend to belong to the Upper Upper Class
Typical response to hello:
"I beg your pardon, you are in my way, kindly step aside "


43% is considered Middle Class...

Upper/Middle Class 10%
Mid Sized Business/Management and Lottery Winners ie. Les Nouveau Riche
Main Objective in Life:
To be as tacky and annoying as possible
Typical Response to Hello:
uncomfortable pause followed by a blank stare...


Lower/Middle Class 33%
Conservative white collar & small business ie: Striving Suburban Taxation Mules
Main objective in Life:
Compete with everybody else, be taxed to death and yet pretend to enjoy life
Typical response to hello:
"What part of town do you live in?" or
"I hear that you haven't been made a Partner yet hee hee?!" or
"Wow! You look great, had some work done eh? Are those your real calves???"


54% is considered Lower Class

Upper Lower Class 38%
Blue collar *same income as middle class but enjoy life & live day to day ie. salt of the earth
Purpose in life:
keep the whole thing going
Typical response to hello:
Hey Donnie! Howzit goin?

*PLEASE NOTE THAT THE LOWER MIDDLE AND UPPER LOWER EQUAL 71% OF THE POPULATION

Lower Lower Class 16%
Fatalistic un(der)employed artists, armchair philosophers, extremist politicos, squeegee kids, ex-marketing wizards & pirates ie: the dregs
Purpose in life:
Piss off anybody else that's getting ahead of them or appears to be happy
Typical response to hello:
"Got any change?" or
"HEY MAN I'M WALKING HERE!" or
"F*ck you I saw that cigarette butt first!" or
"I'm a nihilist, I believe in nuzzing... NUZZING!!!

Sound familiar?

C'MON...DIVE RIGHT IN....


EXHIBIT A.
Most people are unaware that many automobiles have an EDR..no that isn't an erectile dysfunction reliever it is an:
event data recorder
(a little black box) under the front seat.

This device records the last 20 seconds of your vehicles speed/braking/acceleration data before an impact.
This information has helped to convict
dishonest people by providing solid evidence of the event.
Brilliant right?

The American Civil Liberties Union is worried that this information will advance to Orwellian proportions and become a surveillance monster. What if illegal and dangerous driving habits could be monitored without your permission...
Oh (BIG) Brother?

For instance, you could get ticketed for traffic violations by checking your EDR or via satellite monitoring..imagine getting ticketed without your criminal activity being witnessed..HUH..
can something be wrong
even if nobody else sees you doing it ?
Hmmmmmm.


The basic catch 22 of our legal system is the idea that people are deemed innocent until proven guilty which was designed to protect the accused,
not the victim.


In Arizona, a Roman Catholic Bishop was convicted in a hit and run trial thanks to the little black box (surrogate conscience) in his car.
He almost got away with it but the crash data retrieval system proved that he had hit the brakes ... therefore he had seen the victim....
and then he took off!


Thank goodness that we baaaaad little sheep had that little blaa blaa blaack box to watch over our 'ethically challenged' shepherd.
Sheesh, what is this world coming to if you can't rely on a Bishop to confess to driving over a pedestrian?

BITE ME..PLEASE!

Why are female Vampires always so insanely sexy ?










Why are they all nymphomaniacs?








Hmmm...
I wonder how many extra people they would have to suck on if they were menstruating?...

One thing is certain, Vampiric PMS would be the worst!








Is this mythology misogynist (to hate women) or simply escapism, misogamist (to hate marriage)?

The OASIS of HOMEOSTASIS

I'd like to think that one day,
I will find the Oasis of Homeostasis,
a balance of all things.

One would hope,
that a plausible cohesive worldview,
could outrun the reaper.

If only I could combine,
all of the patterns, logic, facts and reason,
with the magic, splendor and wonder.

A Life is all that Living can give us.

At the best of times,
Life is making Love and at the worst,
a fight to the death.

Living is a tug of war,
between choices made with the heart,
and others with the mind.

I will find my mirage,
and end this bitter feud between my dreams,
and common sense.

Hmmm...

A tad artsy for me but I cannot seem to ignore these nagging questions.
I attended the funeral on Monday for a young woman that I have known since the fourth Grade.

How much time do you waste thinking...

Am I next?
How much time do I have?
Do I have my worldview in order?
Am I satisfied with what I know about Life?
Will I get any answers on the other side?
Is there an other side?
Does it matter if there is an other side?

Will you be hearing Classical Gas by Mason Williams when you depart??

Can you die happy or is that an oxymoron?

I am off to ISLENDINGADAGURINN (Icelandic Festival) for the Weekend to get in touch with my inner Viking!
I am afterall 1/4 Swede and that is close efrickinuff.
Have a safe & happy weekend.

MEL is mel-lif-er-ous

(sweet to listen to; especially Torme!)

My middle name is MELVIN. It was my Grandfather's name.

When I was a kid I would get teased about it even though I told the other kids how great my Gramps was. Whatev!

Mel is now a COOL name and truth be told, a few of my old high school friends still call me MEL.

Here are a few people other than my Grandfather who have made MEL a cool name....

MEL Melvin Jerome BLANC b1908-1989

The man of 1000 voices including Bugs Whats Up Doc Bunny/Tweety I Tot I Ta a Puddy Tat/and Daffy/Porky/Sylvester/Foghorn Leghorn....

sheer genius

MEL Melvin (Kaminsky) BROOKS b1926

One of THE funniest men in history who has won an Oscar/Emmy/Tony and a Grammy: Blazing Saddles/Robin Hood;Men in Tights/The Producers/Young Frankenstein

MEL Melvin Howard TORME b1925-1999

The Velvet Fog is considered one of the BEST male Jazz singers of all time! Dabadeedadeebadeebadoodadeebadoo..

MEL Columcille Gerard GIBSON b1956

OH-OH!

Mad Max himself is back in the news for alleged drunken anti semitic rants however He is THE 'Mel'.

An Oscar winning director and giantic movie star I predict that he is not quite done yet.

Mel C (Melanie Jayne Chisoholm) b1974

Formerly known as Sporty Spice she is my girl and I play Goin' Down and When You're Gone w/Bryan Adams, atleast once aweek so nyeh!

Melvin van Horne aka SIDESHOW MEL b1990 Krusty the Clown's helper on the Simpsons whose outrageous Shakespearean accent has given us"Another tragedy averted by gun violence.""This place is the height of tedium."and who could forget.."My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts!"

What is your cool middle name?