Tuesday, July 29, 2008

KISSING COUSINS IS KINKY

Do any of you remember your parents telling you that 'so and so' was your first cousin once removed? Removed from doing what?


The first time that I heard that expression I was certain this meant that they had been caught doing something with another cousin and so my Grandparents, Parents, and Uncles & Aunts got together and tried to get rid of them.

This banishment was almost always ignored because those 'removed' cousins still showed up at the next gathering!


I figured that they had been caught kissing,
you know WINK WINK cousins,
and that this was taboo because nobody wants two headed kids spoiling the Holiday photos...
notice the second 'S' in kissin' on this Elvis album is a little wonky
HELLO!


When I was a Teenager I distinctly remember being introduced to some of my HOT cousin's friends as "my f*cking cousin!" This of course was always accompanied by a perplexed expression or a wry smile.


There is an obvious familiarity with cousins that puts us at ease. They sort of look like us, some of them sound like us, they generally like the same food, and share a plethora of similarities ranging from cultural values to political affiliations. The best part is that you don't see them everyday and fight over unimportant things.


The danger of having a HOT cousin when you are a Teen is obvious. All of the tedious groundwork in unnecessary. You already have a lot in common and therefore you don't have to waste all of that time getting to know them.
This is infintesimally easier than instigating and nurturing a regular relationship with someone from school.


Subliminally your ego is saying Hey How You Doin?' because there is such a strong resemblence and your little monkey brain is murmuring,
"Wow they (ME) are lookin good!"


Unfortunately when you are a Teenager your hornymones are pumping testosterone into your brain by the gallon so your decision making abilities are seriously compromised...add some foreign chemicals to the mix and the regular synaptic activity basically grinds to a halt. Therefore the only thing stopping you from 'taking a run' at your HOT cousin, was your Parent's stern warning that they had already been once removed..
yeah but removed from doing what?


WhatEVER! Your fizzled brain is busy calculating the odds of getting caught while all of the common sense files are shutting down for the evening. But Fear Not! Darwinian forces are already hard at work and an intervention is at hand.


The evolutionary imperitive to spread those genes as far from the shallow end of the gene pool as possible are subliminally working overtime. Somewhere deep down in the recesses of your one track mind comes a small message;


"Hey numbnuts,
have another drink?"


This mercifully happens because let's face it, if you were already this far gone and seriously considering kissing your cousin, chances were Very Good to Excellent, that the foreign substances coursing through your bloodstream would soon be mercifully rendering you and your bits quite harmless.


Still, some of us managed to sneak a little kiss didn't we?
Most were harmless, little, Seasonally-restricted, crushes and nibbles..


CONFESS!




Saturday, July 26, 2008

GOOD GNUS & BAD NEWS
redux Mar'06
I have always thought that Gnus (aka Wilderbeasts) would have made a much better metaphorical representative of us in the Bible than sheep.
If only the Hebrews had headed directly South from Egypt and wandered all the way down to the Serengetti my wish would have come true.

It is true that sheep, like us, are really really dumb and like most over domesticated livestock, have had nearly every last ounce of natural instinct (common sense) bred out of them long ago.

The problem is that sheep are just too darn cute to metaphorically represent Homo Escapeons.

I prefer the Bewilderbeast.


Gnus are more like us because they have that dopey, stunned, blank, stare that you get from having to exist in utter anonymity lost in a gigantic herd.
Being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other carbon copy clones tends to have that effect on you.

We all know that pampered lil Sheep are wearing pretty, little, bells and being protected by a vigilant shepherd and a big fluffy sheepdog as they merrily wander to the next greener pasture COME ON!

Gnus on the other hand are raggedy assed-half starved-scruffy-blank faced nomads who are constantly running for their frickin' lives from Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.


Do you remember watching Gnus on their great migration on those Sunday Nature Shows? Remember the sound that bewilderbeasts make..
Hmm.
On TV they show them trudging through the dust and all that you could hear was half a million Gnus grunting
Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm!

Sound Familiar?

The bewilderbeasts live more of an actuarial existence like us.

The good gnews is that on the great dusty migration through life your best chance of surviving is to blend in somewhere in the middle of a vast sea of other identical gnus.

The bad 'Gnews' is that if you get singled out because you are young, old or injured, or just stupidly saunter off
Hmm from the herd your chances of becoming a statistic are greatly increased.

I always felt sorry for those poor Gnus because they were always on the menu as either breakfast, lunch or supper and every meal was shown in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.


Everybody loves to Gnaw on Gnu!
The Gnus were like the extras in a movie and the bloody star of the show was always the Lion...even if it was about Gnus!

The Lion was the King and like any smart politician he made someone else do all of the dirty work.

In reality the male lion only has a short tenure governing his pride before he is ousted by another male.

He has three mandates: make babies, kill hyaenas, and fight off other males for as long as he can.
While he is in office he sleeps for 18 hours a day and waits for the lioness sisterhood to supply him with food.

The King waits for his uncivil servants to chase and harrass Gnyou, grab Gnyou by the throat, drag Gnyou down and choke the life right out of Gnyou!
Death & Taxes!



All the commotion always attracts the Hyaenas who, like lawyers, fiendishly giggle and nervously hobble around the kill waiting for their piece of your pie.




Of course the hyaenas must wait for the King to finish feasting but once the lion's share is gone they will pick away at your sorry carcass until there is literally nothing left!
Hmm..Hee Hee Hee Hee!
Sound familiar?

Like us, the bewilderbeast always had that same dopey stunned expression on their face no matter what the situation was.
For instance imagine a couple of gnus standing around....

Hmm chewin' away....
Hmm swishing flys with their tails...

Hmm dum de dum...
staring at an entire pride of lions charging towards them at full speed
Hmm...OUCH..what the!

When the bewilderbeasts finally get to the river and bend down to get a drink BAM! SPLASH! a crocodile the size of a bus explodes through the surface and grabs one by the head Hmm OUCH!.. what the?


Like a sudden accident or fatal disease BANG! the gnew guy is suddenly gone!
Hmm.. the other bewilderbeasts lurch back for a second...
Hmm stare at the water...
Hmm swish away flys with their tails...
Hmm dum de dum....
Hmm then a few seconds later...

Hmm bend down and start drinking...
Hmm?
Sound familiar?

Of course there are good gnus and bad gnus, but most of us stay in line, follow the herd and hope that the Gnew guy gets it and not us.

Unfortunately we all look exactly alike to the Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.
They can't tell us apart from one another because we all wear that same stunned dopey stare.
Hmm!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Blogger wouldn't let me add this to the post so whatEVER!


If you'd like to comment add it to the Shark story that it was supposed to be on!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I FOUND JESUS IN MEXICO
..UNDERWATER!

My single, absolute, unequalled, greatest fear in life, is to be savagely attacked and eaten by a shark.




Great White, Tiger, Bull, Mako it doesn't matter which species they all terrify me. As far as I know every shark on the planet is waiting patiently for this nice, juicy, sealion pup of a guy from the Prairies to show up for lunch.








Living here in Manitoba, the centre of Canada, my odds of a Great White Shark ending my days are virtually nil of course as you can see by these SHARK STATS .












Believe it or not I have still somehow managed to dip my toes, swim, snorkel and body surf in the RED TRIANGLE of California and Mexico.

Having watched one billion hours of shark documentaries I understand that statistically my chances of being summarily executed by a shark(s) are vastly outnumbered the odds of being killed by Bees, Lightning, Dogs and Horses...
especially if you don't swim in the ocean and happen to live on a lightning scorched horse and bee farm that is attacked nightly by wild feral dogs! Bloody Statistics!!


Several hundred years ago while vacationing in Cozumel, Mexico, I forced myself to go snorkeling in the 80 degree water.


On that fateful day of reckoning I began by practicing my Spanglish on the local kids who were joyfully jumping into the Caribbean Cauldron of CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP Tiburons..Sharks.


"Hola amigos. Miera es Tiburon?"

" Hee hee hee No Mr. Canada, giggle giggle we don't see many sharks here."


Good enough I thought and dived in.
I snorkeled along the shoreline and then headed out to dive around the giant sunken statue of Christ at the outer seaward edge of the Underwater Park.

I knew enough about Sharks not to tempt fate by wearing anything shiny, like a watch or necklace, and my bathing suit wasn't Yum Yum Yellow.
YYY is the orangy/yellow colour that lifejackets are dyed.
Rescuers and sharks both appreciate the extra visibility when searching for victims.

Statistically homo escapeons eat more sharks (shark fin soup) than the reverse each year. That is of little comfort when you're alone, helplessly bobbing about and out of your element. 



When it comes down to mano a sharko
it is no contesto!

Anyway having reached the statue I gulped down some humid air and dived down to shake hands with Jesus.
It was much 'deeper experience' than I had imagined(UGH!) and just as I looked into his eyes...

WHAT THE HELL!
...out from behind Jesus swam a fish that looked atleast about five feet long.
It was a Barracuda.

Now having read about sea creatures throughout my entire life I knew that Barracudas are normally just curious and have only bitten humans while they were cleaning the hull of boats with shiny scrapers or stupid enough to provoke them.
SO WHAT!

When you are staring at a huge mouth filled with canine razor blades that is attached to the front of a four foot torpedo you switch over to the reptilian cortex and start pumping adrenalin. stay calm........find a happy DRY place!


As I slowly ascended and left the presence of Christ (how ironic eh?) I felt alone and naked in the universe.

My agnosticism started to taunt me "neener neener neener" now would be a good time for a foxhole conversion.  The grim reality of my individual struggle against nature. Right here, right now, I was completely on my own. Mano a Barracudo! Crappo!


As I looked down for solace (a little help here HELLO!)
I saw an unmoved guardian ignoring my plight.
I was wondering where the Barracuda was going to chomp on me?

My ankle..my ass...
please, please, please, NOT my willy!?



Mercifully, the barracuda (my metaphorical Satan) escorted (tested) me the entire way until I was out of it's territory.Whatever I did on the surface, zig left or zag right, the fish shadowed my every move. 

When I had finally reached the boys back on shore I gave them a glare and asked, 
"Miera es Barracuda?" 
They all started to laugh,"Si Mr. Canada..muchos barracuda!"
Ha Ha Ha little buggers..very funny.

Back at the hotel I immediately resumed my daily routine of consuming mass quantities of Rum Cubas and chil-laxed.

My lesson that day proves once again that if you want to get anywhere in life you have to ask the right f*cking questions
Ay CaRUMba!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

PUTTING ON ERRORS
I read the news today oh-boy...


The bedraggled mugshot of Canadian musician Steven Page of The Bare Naked Ladies is being splattered across the Entertainment pages after being arrested for possesion of Cocaine..in New York..with a young girlfriend?


The band which is reknown for it's zany, college edumacated, in-the-know-joke, lyircs and madcap, smart-alecky, stage antics, WAS in the process of releasing a children's album (oh f*ck!) and had to cancel their rendezvous with the Disney machine...

so this is a news editor's wet dream...what a great angle eh?






So we have a perfect storm..celebrity, rock star, morality, drugs, sex, Disney, and gosh darnit anyway, a Canadian lad behaving badly? HUH? I thought that all Canucks were squeaky clean, Hockey-lovin', doughnut-stuffing, coffee-gulping, plaid shirted, touque wearin', accountants who've had a charisma bypass?




First of all if you're going to be a 'Celebritney' you had better understand the rules..
which are fairly straightforward..you belong to the great unwashed now Buster! That's right. Your Faustian deal with the devil to become more 'famous-er' and 'rich-er' than joe sixpack gives the general public the rights to your life. If you think that you are so f*cking special than by gawd you better be prepared to keep your nose clean..pun intended.






Now personally I think that it's none of my business what Steve or any other guy does in his own spare time. I was sorry to hear that his marriage has dissolved because he has 3 kids but that happens to non-famous people too. What did strike me was the immediate schadenfreude that the media started wallowing in..hey we got ourselves a squeaky clean smartass..let's get 'im!






Canadians enjoy an undeserved worldwide reputation for being stereotyped as polite, calm, no-nonsense types but we have serial killers too ya know? Homo Escapeons are so lazy..we love to conveniently attribute easy-to-digest 'brands' to nationalities...a watered down and politically correct version of racism which is just lazy.




My question is, what are the typical characteristics of your country's average citizen and how well or poorly do you fit into the mold?

Monday, July 14, 2008

WELCOME BACK KHADR?



Singalong to the tune from this show?

"Welcome back,

your schemes were your ticket out.

Welcome back,

to our infidel place that you laughed about.

Well the game has changed since you flung grenades around,

Has your dream remained to burn us to the ground?



Who'd have thought they’d keep ya!

(Atleast you're still here breathin')

Bet you wish jihadn't been there?

(Off to Gitmo we'll be seein' ya?)


Yeah we tease him a lot, but they’ve got him on the rock,

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back"


That kid is OMAR KHADR , and he is a Canadian!?

He is also sitting in the Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre because the Pentagon alleges that he threw a grenade that killed a Medic during a gun battle in Afghanistan in 2002 when he was only 15. Now he is 21 and his Lawyers are trying to get him extradited and returned to Canada.

He grew up here in Canada but was taught to hate the West by his parents.

His father was a founding member and financier of al-Qaida who died in in a battle in Afghanistan in 2003. His Mother is quoted as saying "Let Them Have It" during the World Trade Centre attack. His brothers and sisters seem to have all been infected by the same philosophy of hate and destruction. One of his brothers was paralyzed in the same battle that his wonderful father was killed but came back to our horrible country of Canada so that he could take advantage of our fabulous Universal Healthcare System.


At the heart of this legal tug of war is the fact that Omar may be a complete asshole, but technically he is a Canadian asshole, and therefore we have to guard his rights..Damnit!


I can speculate without any fear of contradiction that 99% of Canadians would dearly love to have the entire f*cking family deported (yesterday) and sent off to scrounge around in one of their beloved al-Qaida training camps where they can merrily plot the end of Civilization as we know it. Seriously, if it is so terrible living here in the corrupt West then puh-leeze do us all a tremendous favour and f*ck off back to the 7th Century.


But it isn't that simple is it? Damnit! Now the Americans have had this "Canadian" boy incarcerated offshore in a quasi-legally sketchy limbo for years. The Americans are playing the The War on Terror TRUMP CARD...and there isn't much grey area here...

the rest of the world knows, you are either WITH them OR AGAINST them, right?


Omar's Lawyers are trying to drum up sympathy by releasing a video of Omar's shattered psychological state...if seeing is believing..and while most of us would not wish our 16 year old son to be tortured by a foreign government (if that's true) it is hard to feel sorry for this little asshole...

until you realise that he was raised to hate by his parents.

One of his other brothers admitted that they were raised to be suicide bombers...so shame on his parents.


I'm sure that the Canadian Government would not have any problem getting volunteers to help the Khadrs pack up their stuff ... but we need to remember that these kids were abused in Canada...and they aren't the only ones. I know that I sound like a broken record but the reason that this country is so great is because it is a secular country.


Welcome Back Khadr..the sooner you get back, the sooner we can deport you.

A LONG RATHER TEDIOUS RANT ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
*sigh

GELOTOPHOBIA is the debilitating fear of being laughed at and apparently affects 30% of the Human population..HA!


I'd say that with the exception of Comedians, Cartoonists, and a few Writers & Bloggers, that the percentage is closer to 99%.
Gelotophobia is also at the very heart of Political Correctness...
which I view as a form of Orwellian Newspeak and blatant coercion which is used to silence free speech and extinguish an open discussion amongst people with ((gasp)) differing points of view!




I watched an interview with ART SPIEGELMAN the creator of MAUS and he spoke openly about the need to protect free speech. He reminded me of how ridiculous and dangerous the Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy was.


Now I understand why people are terrified of having their religion examined, they don't want any investigation of their belief system that might prove how improbable the basic tenets are..not only that nobody likes being wrong or laughed at..the Gelotophobia thingamabob. It is rude to make fun of another's decision to believe but GOD or whoever or whatever you want to believe gave us this incredible brain for a reason and the least that we can do is use it to verify our reality.


Political correctness prohibits any insinuation that someone else's cosmology might be completely fabricated hooey...unless it is out there like like the modern media whipping boy Scientology. However to be fair, if you think about it, almost every religion relies on the existance of alien beings intervening with the affairs of humans...

I appreciate heavenly bodies as much as the next guy so whatEV?!


Where does that leave Agnostical people like myself who may view all religions as manufactured concoctions of imagination, but think that all hell would break loose if people didn't have these traditional moral governors holding them back from reducing the planet to cinders.
Why is religion off limits? Why does the press wear 'kid gloves' when they follow the Pope and other spiritual leaders around the world?
The most obvious people making fun or questioning such ideologies are Comedians. Oh sure members of religious Group A can make fun of Group B (SPLITTERS!) because only they have the ONE TRUE intergalactic bellhop at their service...this is the root cause of almost every armed conflict on the planet. Let's hear it for tradition HURRAY!

Many leaders like Osama Been Hidin are notorious for being dour sourpusses who take themselves so seriously...they cannot afford to look human or infallible to the chosen. No Jokes.
But most of us tell jokes..and most of us out here are not the general public, I understand that now. Look at the latest edition of the New Yorker and it's mockery of the idiots who try to insinuate falsehoods about the Obamas.

Get it. Most consumers will not even though pundits are feverishly trying to explain it to them. Most Americans interviewd on the telly were upset that their FLAG was burning in the fireplace..*sigh.


What a grand testament to the uber nationalism and patriotism for a country that let's you be all that you can be as long as you don't expect said "country" to take care of you if you get sick or want your kids to waste their time with fancy book learnin' in some fancy schmancy edumacation system.


The f*cking flag was burning..are you kidding me...they don't get it!


Not only that but Obama has to battle old school disciples of victimization like Jesse Jackson and his fellow dinosaurs. Jackson caused a ruckus on TV (the mike is always on Jesse DUH!) for whispering that he wanted to kick Obama in the nuts because Barrack had the cajones to chastise young black men for not stepping up to the duties of fatherhood. Any idiot can impregnate a girl Jesse OOPS I guess that you know that.


cue song;
I'm sorry Mr Jackson but he is fo' reeeeal!


We use jokes to manage our emotions. I recently read that British Sociologist Christie Davies of the International Society for Humor Studies ISHS said that "JOKES, in many ways, are a way of getting around restrictions on what you can say." Restrictions like Political Correctness?


According to WIKI "Humour occurs when;
1 An alternative or surprising shift in perception or answer is given that still shows relevance and can explain a situation.


2 We laugh at something that points out another's errors, lack of intelligence, or unfortunate circumstances; granting a sense of superiority.


3 Sudden relief occurs from a tense situation "humourific" as formerly applied in comedy referred to the interpretation of the sublime and the ridiculous. In this context, humour is often a subjective experience as it depends on a special mood or perspective from its audience to be effective.


4 Two ideas or things are juxtaposed that are very distant in meaning emotionally or conceptually, that is, having a significant incongruity.


Who other than Comedians can say things that we all think but are afraid to say. They are the only people allowed to make fun of the human condition and are exempt from the mindnumbing atrocities of adhering to political correctness.
"A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny."


Comedians, Cartoonists, and a handful of Writers & Bloggers, regularily tackle subjects that would culminate in lawsuits seeking punitive damages for mental anguish, religious declarations inciting the faithful to kill, and awkward moments that usually ruin a dinner party.




Most western governments have adopted the premise that in order to promote equality, they must instate a certain proportion of applicants who may not be the best qualified or deserving, but who represent a desired demographic group under-representated on their ledger. Theoretically this is necessary in order to present the image of a perfectly integrated society...which unfortunately doesn't exist outside the building.



If we were truly gender/colour blind we wouldn't even need to know who filled the position because we could assume that the most appropriate candidate would be chosen on their talent, qualifications, accomplishments, desire, and experience. How bizarre?



Now the notion of improving our meritocracy exists because we Humans have always, always. always, been subjected to the males of the upper ruling class making their own rules and taking care of 'their own' and a few sycophants who ass kiss their way up the ladder...


which ironically is exactly how political correctness operates but atleast everybody has documentation to cover their ass.




Basically we need more Comedians and fewer Politicians.




What if we just tried having the funniest politically incorrect people run things for a while? The funniest person would be President or Prime Minister...


OOPS sorry..y'all just had two terms of that..my Bad!


It would be funny if the handful of people who run our world didn't have the power to actually create laws that protect their dumbass schemes with political correctness.
Do any of you remember a time since the sixties when real change seemed possible?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

EIGHTEEN!?
These eyes belong to someone who once saw me as a giant..((sigh))

Number one Son turned 18 the other day and we had a party for him and 40 of his closest friends.
There were kids everywhere..playing Rock Star in the House, doing shooters in the Kitchen, mingling in the backyard.


I stood there wondering where the TIME went?

I mean c'mon...
I can still remember turning 18..
sort of !?

cue Alice Cooper..I'm Eighteen..

"Lines form on my face and hands
Lines form from the ups and downs
I'm in the middle without any plans
I'm a boy and I'm a man


I'm FIFTY and
I don't know what I want
FIFTY!
I just don't know what I want
FIFTY!
I gotta get away
I gotta clean up this place!
I'll go runnin' in cyberspace

Oh yeah

I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart
Took fifty years to get this far
Don't always know what I'm talkin' about
Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt


My son is EIGHTEEN!?
I get confused every day
EIGHTEEN!?
I just don't know what to say
EIGHTEEN?!
How did I get so grey?

My son is EIGHTEEN!?
and I;
LIKE HIM!
LOVE HIM!
LIKE HIM!
LOVE HIM!
Eighteen-Eighteen-Eighteen-
He's Eighteen and I LIKE IT!"

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

KINADA DIE WUZ ALMOST ROO'nd

July 1st is Canada Day, it is 141 years young.

My Canada Day celebrations began by meeting fellow Bloggers Brian and Joyce for our second annual stroll through the Zoo.

Most of you know that I come from a land UP-OVER,
and in honour of this AUSspicious day,
I thought that it would be fitting to clelebrate the country that I love most...
AUSTRALEEYER!

So off we went exploring the Land Downunda exhibit at the Zoo.

As you know Austr'alien' woyldlife has the strayngist bloody creatures and the funniest bloody naymes.

Once inside, we had a lash at all the bloody birds..
noice pecker on that one eh?


and wouldn't ya bloody knowit..
the bloody Tree Kangaroos sleepin' agine..
what the hell..

WAKE UP YA LAZY FAKE KANGAROO BASTARD!

Now everyone loves Wallabies because they are the poodles of the Kangaroo family..
cute little bloody bastards..
not a one in sight..
great bloody exhibit mate!

Atleast they had a picture of one of the bloody Wallabies on the bloody WALL!


Naturally we were all excited to see Ayres bloody Rock,

one of the seven bloody wonders of the world..

well guess what?

It's only this bloody big because they bloody well ran out of bloody money!
More like 'errors bloody rock' if you ask me?
So anyway, despite the crappy exhibit, we had a bloody noyce Canada G'Day.
but nixt year, I hope to celebrate it in bloody Australia.
'Cause thet's where I bloody well belongabong mate!

click yer cursor matey...

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