Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008

redux Mar'06
I have always thought that Gnus (aka Wilderbeasts) would have made a much better metaphorical representative of us in the Bible than sheep.
If only the Hebrews had headed directly South from Egypt and wandered all the way down to the Serengetti my wish would have come true.
It is true that sheep, like us, are really really
dumb and like most over domesticated livestock, have had nearly every last ounce of natural instinct (common sense) bred out of them long ago. The problem is that sheep are just too darn cute to metaphorically represent Homo Escapeons.
I prefer the Bewilderbeast.
Gnus are more like us because they have that dopey, stunned, blank, stare that you get from having to exist in utter anonymity lost in a gigantic herd.
Being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other carbon copy clones tends to have that effect on you.
We all know that pampered lil Sheep are wearing pretty, little, bells and being protected by a vigilant shepherd and a big fluffy sheepdog as they merrily wander to the next greener pasture COME ON!
Gnus on the other hand are raggedy assed-half starved-scruffy-blank faced nomads who are constantly running for their frickin' lives from Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.
Do you remember watching Gnus on their great migration on those Sunday Nature Shows? Remember the sound that bewilderbeasts make..
Hmm.
On TV they show them trudging through the dust and all that you could hear was half a million Gnus grunting
Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm!
Sound Familiar?

The bewilderbeasts live more of an actuarial existence like us.
The good gnews is that on the great dusty migration through life your best chance of surviving is to blend in somewhere in the middle of a vast sea of other identical gnus.
The bad 'Gnews' is that if you get singled out because you are young, old or injured, or just stupidly saunter off
Hmm from the herd your chances of becoming a statistic are greatly increased.

I always felt sorry for those poor Gnus because they were always on the menu as either breakfast, lunch or supper and every meal was shown in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.
Everybody loves to Gnaw on Gnu!
The Gnus were like the extras in a movie and the bloody star of the show was always the Lion...even if it was about Gnus!
The Lion was the King and like any smart politician he made so
meone else do all of the dirty work. In reality the male lion only has a short tenure governing his pride before he is ousted by another male.
He has three mandates: make babies, kill hyaenas, and fight off other males for as long as he can.
While he is in office he sleeps for 18 hours a day and waits for the lioness sisterhood to supply him with food.
The King waits for his uncivil servants to chase and harrass Gnyou, grab Gnyou by the throat, drag Gnyou down and choke the life right out of Gnyou!
Death & Taxes!
All the commotion always attracts the Hyaenas who, like lawyers, fiendishly giggle and nervously hobble around the kill waiting for their piece of your pie. Of course the hyaenas must wait for the King to finish feasting but once the lion's share is gone they will pick away at your sorry carcass until there is literally nothing left!
Hmm..Hee Hee Hee Hee!
Sound familiar?
Like us, the bewilderbeast always had that same dopey stunned expression on their face no matter what the situation was.
For instance imagine a couple of gnus standing around....
Hmm chewin' away....
Hmm swishing flys with their tails...
Hmm dum de dum...
st
aring at an entire pride of lions charging towards them at full speed Hmm...OUCH..what the!
When the bewilderbeasts finally get to the river and bend down to get a drink BAM! SPLASH! a crocodile the size of a bus explodes through the surface and grabs one by the head Hmm OUCH!.. what the?
Like a sudden accident or fatal disease BANG! the gnew guy is suddenly gone!
Hmm.. the other bewilderbeasts lurch back for a second...
Hmm stare at the water...
Hmm swish away flys with their tails...
Hmm dum de dum....
Hmm then a few seconds later...
Hmm bend down and start drinking...
Hmm?
Sound familiar?

Of course there are good gnus and bad gnus, but most of us stay in line, follow the herd and hope that the Gnew guy gets it and not us.
Unfortunately we all look exactly alike to the Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.
They can't tell us apart from one another because we all wear that same stunned dopey stare.
Hmm!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If you'd like to comment add it to the Shark story that it was supposed to be on!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
..UNDERWATER!
My single, absolute, unequalled, greatest fear in life, is to be savagely attacked and eaten by a shark.
Great White, Tiger, Bull, Mako it doesn't matter which species they all terrify me. As far as I know every shark on the planet is waiting patiently for this nice, juicy, sealion pup of a guy from the Prairies to show up for lunch.

Living here in Manitoba, the centre of Canada, my odds of a Great White Shark ending my days are virtually nil of course as you can see by these SHARK STATS .
Believe it or not I have still somehow managed to dip my toes, swim, snorkel and body surf in the RED TRIANGLE of California and Mexico.
Having watched one billion hours of shark documentaries I understand that statistically my chances of being summarily executed by a shark(s) are vastly outnumbered the odds of being killed by Bees, Lightning, Dogs and Horses...

Several hundred years ago while vacationing in Cozumel, Mexico, I forced myself to go snorkeling in the 80 degree water.
On that fateful day of reckoning I began by practicing my Spanglish on the local kids who were joyfully jumping into the Caribbean Cauldron of CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP Tiburons..Sharks.
Miera es Tiburon?" " Hee hee hee No Mr. Canada, giggle giggle we don't see many sharks here."
Good enough I thought and dived in.
I knew enough about Sharks not to tempt fate by wearing anything shiny, like a watch or necklace, and my bathing suit wasn't Yum Yum Yellow.
Statistically homo escapeons eat more sharks (shark fin soup) than the reverse each year. That is of little comfort when you're alone, helplessly bobbing about and out of your element.
When it comes down to mano a sharko,
it is no contesto!
Anyway having reached the statue I gulped down some humid air and dived down to shake hands with Jesus.
Now having read about sea creatures throughout my entire life I knew that Barracudas are normally just curious and have only bitten humans while they were cleaning the hull of boats with shiny scrapers or stupid enough to provoke them.
When you are staring at a huge mouth filled with canine razor blades that is attached to the front of a four foot torpedo you switch over to the reptilian cortex and start pumping adrenalin. stay calm........find a happy DRY place!
As I slowly ascended and left the presence of Christ (how ironic eh?) I felt alone and naked in the universe.
As I looked down for solace (a little help here HELLO!)
please, please, please, NOT my willy!?
Mercifully, the barracuda (my metaphorical Satan) escorted (tested) me the entire way until I was out of it's territory.Whatever I did on the surface, zig left or zag right, the fish shadowed my every move.
When I had finally reached the boys back on shore I gave them a glare and asked, "Miera es Barracuda?"
Saturday, July 19, 2008


Monday, July 14, 2008
WELCOME BACK KHADR?

Singalong to the tune from this show?
"Welcome back,
your schemes were your ticket out.
Welcome back,
to our infidel place that you laughed about.
Well the game has changed since you flung grenades around,
Has your dream remained to burn us to the ground?
Who'd have thought they’d keep ya!
(Atleast you're still here breathin')
Bet you wish jihadn't been there?
(Off to Gitmo we'll be seein' ya?)
Yeah we tease him a lot, but they’ve got him on the rock,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back"
That kid is OMAR KHADR , and he is a Canadian!?
He is also sitting in the Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre because the Pentagon alleges that he threw a grenade that killed a Medic during a gun battle in Afghanistan in 2002 when he was only 15. Now he is 21 and his Lawyers are trying to get him extradited and returned to Canada.
He grew up here in Canada but was taught to hate the West by his parents.
His father was a founding member and financier of al-Qaida who died in in a battle in Afghanistan in 2003. His Mother is quoted as saying "Let Them Have It" during the World Trade Centre attack. His brothers and sisters seem to have all been infected by the same philosophy of hate and destruction. One of his brothers was paralyzed in the same battle that his wonderful father was killed but came back to our horrible country of Canada so that he could take advantage of our fabulous Universal Healthcare System.
At the heart of this legal tug of war is the fact that Omar may be a complete asshole, but technically he is a Canadian asshole, and therefore we have to guard his rights..Damnit!
I can speculate without any fear of contradiction that 99% of Canadians would dearly love to have the entire f*cking family deported (yesterday) and sent off to scrounge around in one of their beloved al-Qaida training camps where they can merrily plot the end of Civilization as we know it. Seriously, if it is so terrible living here in the corrupt West then puh-leeze do us all a tremendous favour and f*ck off back to the 7th Century.
But it isn't that simple is it? Damnit! Now the Americans have had this "Canadian" boy incarcerated offshore in a quasi-legally sketchy limbo for years. The Americans are playing the The War on Terror TRUMP CARD...and there isn't much grey area here...
the rest of the world knows, you are either WITH them OR AGAINST them, right?
Omar's Lawyers are trying to drum up sympathy by releasing a video of Omar's shattered psychological state...if seeing is believing..and while most of us would not wish our 16 year old son to be tortured by a foreign government (if that's true) it is hard to feel sorry for this little asshole...
until you realise that he was raised to hate by his parents.
One of his other brothers admitted that they were raised to be suicide bombers...so shame on his parents.
I'm sure that the Canadian Government would not have any problem getting volunteers to help the Khadrs pack up their stuff ... but we need to remember that these kids were abused in Canada...and they aren't the only ones. I know that I sound like a broken record but the reason that this country is so great is because it is a secular country.
Welcome Back Khadr..the sooner you get back, the sooner we can deport you.
*sigh
GELOTOPHOBIA is the debilitating fear of being laughed at and apparently affects 30% of the Human population..HA!
I'd say that with the exception of Comedians, Cartoonists, and a few Writers & Bloggers, that the percentage is closer to 99%.
Gelotophobia is also at the very heart of Political Correctness...




Tuesday, July 08, 2008
"Lines form on my face and hands
LIKE HIM!
LOVE HIM!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
July 1st is Canada Day, it is 141 years young.

Most of you know that I come from a land UP-OVER,


















