GOOD GNUS & BAD NEWS
I have always thought that Gnus (aka Wilderbeasts) would have made a much better metaphorical representative of us in the Bible than sheep.
If only the Hebrews had headed directly South from Egypt and wandered all the way down to the Serengetti my wish would have come true.
It is true that sheep, like us, are really really dumb and like most over domesticated livestock, have had nearly every last ounce of natural instinct (common sense) bred out of them long ago.
The problem is that sheep are just too darn cute to metaphorically represent Homo Escapeons.
I prefer the Bewilderbeast.
Gnus are more like us because they have that dopey, stunned, blank, stare that you get from having to exist in utter anonymity lost in a gigantic herd.
Being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other carbon copy clones tends to have that effect on you.
We all know that pampered lil Sheep are wearing pretty, little, bells and being protected by a vigilant shepherd and a big fluffy sheepdog as they merrily wander to the next greener pasture COME ON!
Gnus on the other hand are raggedy assed-half starved-scruffy-blank faced nomads who are constantly running for their frickin' lives from Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.
Do you remember watching Gnus on their great migration on those Sunday Nature Shows? Remember the sound that bewilderbeasts make..
On TV they show them trudging through the dust and all that you could hear was half a million Gnus grunting
Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm!
The bewilderbeasts live more of an actuarial existence like us.
The good gnews is that on the great dusty migration through life your best chance of surviving is to blend in somewhere in the middle of a vast sea of other identical gnus.
The bad 'Gnews' is that if you get singled out because you are young, old or injured, or just stupidly saunter off
Hmm from the herd your chances of becoming a statistic are greatly increased.
I always felt sorry for those poor Gnus because they were always on the menu as either breakfast, lunch or supper and every meal was shown in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.
Everybody loves to Gnaw on Gnu!
The Gnus were like the extras in a movie and the bloody star of the show was always the Lion...even if it was about Gnus!
The Lion was the King and like any smart politician he made someone else do all of the dirty work.
In reality the male lion only has a short tenure governing his pride before he is ousted by another male.
He has three mandates: make babies, kill hyaenas, and fight off other males for as long as he can.
While he is in office he sleeps for 18 hours a day and waits for the lioness sisterhood to supply him with food.
The King waits for his uncivil servants to chase and harrass Gnyou, grab Gnyou by the throat, drag Gnyou down and choke the life right out of Gnyou!
Death & Taxes!
All the commotion always attracts the Hyaenas who, like lawyers, fiendishly giggle and nervously hobble around the kill waiting for their piece of your pie.
Of course the hyaenas must wait for the King to finish feasting but once the lion's share is gone they will pick away at your sorry carcass until there is literally nothing left!
Hmm..Hee Hee Hee Hee!
Like us, the bewilderbeast always had that same dopey stunned expression on their face no matter what the situation was.
For instance imagine a couple of gnus standing around....
Hmm chewin' away....
Hmm swishing flys with their tails...
Hmm dum de dum...
staring at an entire pride of lions charging towards them at full speed
When the bewilderbeasts finally get to the river and bend down to get a drink BAM! SPLASH! a crocodile the size of a bus explodes through the surface and grabs one by the head Hmm OUCH!.. what the?
Like a sudden accident or fatal disease BANG! the gnew guy is suddenly gone!
Hmm.. the other bewilderbeasts lurch back for a second...
Hmm stare at the water...
Hmm swish away flys with their tails...
Hmm dum de dum....
Hmm then a few seconds later...
Hmm bend down and start drinking...
Of course there are good gnus and bad gnus, but most of us stay in line, follow the herd and hope that the Gnew guy gets it and not us.
Unfortunately we all look exactly alike to the Lions, Hyaenas, and Crocodiles.
They can't tell us apart from one another because we all wear that same stunned dopey stare.