Tuesday, July 29, 2008

KISSING COUSINS IS KINKY

Do any of you remember your parents telling you that 'so and so' was your first cousin once removed? Removed from doing what?


The first time that I heard that expression I was certain this meant that they had been caught doing something with another cousin and so my Grandparents, Parents, and Uncles & Aunts got together and tried to get rid of them.

This banishment was almost always ignored because those 'removed' cousins still showed up at the next gathering!


I figured that they had been caught kissing,
you know WINK WINK cousins,
and that this was taboo because nobody wants two headed kids spoiling the Holiday photos...
notice the second 'S' in kissin' on this Elvis album is a little wonky
HELLO!


When I was a Teenager I distinctly remember being introduced to some of my HOT cousin's friends as "my f*cking cousin!" This of course was always accompanied by a perplexed expression or a wry smile.


There is an obvious familiarity with cousins that puts us at ease. They sort of look like us, some of them sound like us, they generally like the same food, and share a plethora of similarities ranging from cultural values to political affiliations. The best part is that you don't see them everyday and fight over unimportant things.


The danger of having a HOT cousin when you are a Teen is obvious. All of the tedious groundwork in unnecessary. You already have a lot in common and therefore you don't have to waste all of that time getting to know them.
This is infintesimally easier than instigating and nurturing a regular relationship with someone from school.


Subliminally your ego is saying Hey How You Doin?' because there is such a strong resemblence and your little monkey brain is murmuring,
"Wow they (ME) are lookin good!"


Unfortunately when you are a Teenager your hornymones are pumping testosterone into your brain by the gallon so your decision making abilities are seriously compromised...add some foreign chemicals to the mix and the regular synaptic activity basically grinds to a halt. Therefore the only thing stopping you from 'taking a run' at your HOT cousin, was your Parent's stern warning that they had already been once removed..
yeah but removed from doing what?


WhatEVER! Your fizzled brain is busy calculating the odds of getting caught while all of the common sense files are shutting down for the evening. But Fear Not! Darwinian forces are already hard at work and an intervention is at hand.


The evolutionary imperitive to spread those genes as far from the shallow end of the gene pool as possible are subliminally working overtime. Somewhere deep down in the recesses of your one track mind comes a small message;


"Hey numbnuts,
have another drink?"


This mercifully happens because let's face it, if you were already this far gone and seriously considering kissing your cousin, chances were Very Good to Excellent, that the foreign substances coursing through your bloodstream would soon be mercifully rendering you and your bits quite harmless.


Still, some of us managed to sneak a little kiss didn't we?
Most were harmless, little, Seasonally-restricted, crushes and nibbles..


CONFESS!




51 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:39 AM

    My cousins were way older than me and total dorks.

    Except for one, he wasn't a dork and he was only a few years ahead of me in school. He was always around playing Atari with my Dad.

    I never had any of those kind of crushy feelings for him... his girlfriend... Well, she was smokin hot. But I never kissed her either.

    ReplyDelete
  2. dang google. should be removed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. now i'm going to look bad. i should have blamed blogger or windows. whatever. and yes, my cousin was hot. note: was.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh I would love to have something to confess - but my cousins were all swotty and spotty.

    Not at all like me of course.

    I was supposed to treat them as role models.

    ReplyDelete
  5. paul wants to turn you into dead meat.

    oh, i'm such a snitcher.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like it here. Can I stay?

    ReplyDelete
  7. No, no, NO!

    I did have a crush on my dad's friend's daughter, though. Then they moved to Canada.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I only have 2 male cousins, both younger and on the few time I met them I thought they were yucky.

    However, as a young child I had a crush on one of my dad's cousins (sadly I haven't seen him since I was about 5 years old and I can't remember him at all). I can't even remember if it was his wedding i went to or his sister's wedding.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nope! And I even had some cute older male cousins. But no way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have a cousin who is 6 months younger than me. I remember saying I was going to marry him when I was around 4 years old. I don't remember what his reaction to that was, but I do remember my mum telling me I couldn't marry him because he was my cousin.

    For some reason, at that age, I just didn't see why that would matter.

    Never did kiss him, that I can remember, anyways....

    ReplyDelete
  11. God. I'd be interested to hear the ones that WEREN'T seasonally restricted...

    None of my cousins were remotely attractive. Plus I never liked them much anyway. Family Schmamily.

    ReplyDelete
  12. grumblhhoid8:25 PM

    Hot Diggity! Le's grab them banjoes, an' head fer the overpass!
    Luckily for all concerned, all of my relatives had the sense to put some distance (a few time zones) between us young miscreants...

    ReplyDelete
  13. buk buk buuuuk
    buk buk buuuuk!

    AM NOT A WUSS?
    You have my undivided attention, if only I knew who you were?
    'BI' for now.

    MJ
    Surely you have the cajones to admit to such a common conundrum.

    MISTI
    The entire premise of this research was that you considered it (even for a millisecond) when you were young and foolish..not now when your cousins are dumpy and look like ten miles of gravel road.
    Tee Hee Hee..

    P.S.
    Paul is NOT mad at me it is not in his nature.

    KAZ
    I am delighted to hear that you took the high road and yet terribly disapointed that your cousins were "swotty and spotty"
    that's just wrong on so many levels.

    SPENTRAILS
    Of course you can I would be delighted.
    You can stay for as long as you'd like..
    come and sit down here beside me and we'll read the rest of these together.

    GEOFF
    You mean your Dad's Friend's Daughter who was 'once removed' to Canada?

    ReplyDelete
  14. LLEWTRAH
    Two yucky cousins? That saddens me.
    So these cousins of your Papa left quite an impression on you..sort of...a bit...kind'a....must have been a long time ago in a galaxy far away.


    CITIZEN MONDO
    OK I'll just have to take your word for it. If you change your mind it will be our little secret.

    PONYGIRL
    Gosh that's cuuute..4 years old. now howzabout when you were 14?

    STACE
    Well that does it ZERO for TEN..I had no idea that everybody in the world had such crappy cousins...
    didn't anyone have a HOT cousin?


    GRUMBALYA AND A CRAWFISH PIE AND A FILLET GUMBO!!
    Finally someone brave enough to admit that precautions had to be put it place! Thank You for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are so whacked!

    I always had crushes on my older cousins, so there was never any danger... I was a baby to them!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Donnnnnn, when we were 14, we looked way too much alike (it was the 70's and we both had shags)... you could swear we were brother and sister.

    By that age, there was no more crush but we got along really well and had lots of fun - clean fun - nothing that would require fessin' up to.... sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  17. no! eeeeeeeeeeewh! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. i never had any hot cousins. but my uncle (married to my dad's sister), was hot, and quite honestly, kiss-material. unfortunately, i was only 13 then, and prone to raging hormones.

    bad news: i never kissed him.
    good news: we played a badminton match. (and i meant that in the literal sense, not in the perverse/kinky sense.)

    hee.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I plead the 5th........

    whatever that is....I heard it on telly while my cousin and I were making out...........

    whoops!
    DOH!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Nothing much to report here. Too much of an age differnce. I suspect all the males in my family had something of a crush on my lovely, charming, and brilliant First Cos, but it was strictly platonic. We think her husband of 40-something years is a lucky guy.

    ReplyDelete
  21. LOL @whitesnake... that's classic! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. ANGELA
    Age seems to be the predominant determining factor..and the abscence of motive, opportunity, and alcohol.

    PONYGIRL
    Well I was obviously barkin' up the wrong tree. This is one of those internal evolutionary governors that we all have...I'm just sayin' is all...

    SWEETS
    Wow! Tough crowd!
    Fine. So nobody had a gorgeous cousin from another country (where they aren't suffocated by constricting Puritan and Victorian guilt about sex) who came for a short but memorable visit during their formative years which would later be dubbed their Summer of Lurrrve?
    Nobody.
    OK.

    {ILLYRIA}
    Hello my Dear. Uncles and Awhntz is a whole other ballgame (and a legal matter) but more people seem to remember those crushes. This would be natural since most of them were either fabulous or utterly tedious and creepy bastards and bitches.

    Thirteen is prime Crush time when young girls transfer affections to Pop Stars and Ponies in order to practice and develop a romantic world for the arrival of Prince Charming...tsk tsk.

    In evolutionary terms females would have actually started their reproductive cycle since for the most part of human history we only lived to be in our mid thirties.

    WHITESNAKE
    The 5th is known mainly as the Provision that NO person should be forced to give evidence against himself...beauty eh? but..If you're innocent then why would you be afraid to testify? Because most Lawyers aren't interested in solving legal matters ((pfffft)) they want to keep it going to charge fees...sorry wandering off topic.

    BREAKERSLION
    That is so sweet. You seem to be fortunate to have a had a "lovely, charming, and brilliant First Cos" because everybody else out here was saddled with real "yucky & swotty" cousins.
    I never realised how powerful this taboo was..
    perhaps it's because everybody is lying through their teeth? HA!

    SWEETS
    Next time you find yourself in the midst of a delicate legal matter you must give Whitesnake a call..
    he knows all of the fancy schmancy legalese terminology.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh for heaven sake... I was the first comment and I totally didn't get credit for it!!!! I screwed it up and hit anonymous.

    I'm the one with the hot cousin's girlfriend crush.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I always thought a "cousin once removed" was a family member who got caught stealing something to they had to be removed. I never met any of them so I was never tempted.

    Now, I did have a "step cousin." My Uncle remarried and adopted the kids his 2nd wife came with. The boy was HOT and I constantly lusted after him. He was shy too which made him even HOTTER. He turned out to be a total looser so I was glad nothing ever happened and that he wasn't blood related. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Most of my cousins look more like me than my brothers. And we share a lot of the same dysfunctional traits passed down from one generation to the next. I think I'll stay a "shaking-hand cousins" with them! (And Winterpeg is full of my cousins-once-removed.)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I had a step-sister. That's all I'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Yes I had hot cousins. One of them kissed me when I was 10 and he was 14. He did kiss very hot I must say... and it was only the once. Still, if I ever seen him right now, I reckon I would blush profusely..because, as you point out, kissin cousins, hornymones, all those things...is just ain;t right...right? LOL

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sooooo Donnnnn..... since you keep after everyone to 'fess up, what about you? What luscious little cousin did YOU smooch on? Spill the beans, buddy.... we all want to know!

    ReplyDelete
  29. No, no no, oh no...

    No cousins. Oh, sweet Jesus, no, no, no.

    Mine were fightin' cousins, wild and a little feral. I love them dearly, but if I showed you pictures of them, as youngun, even as teenagers you would understand why.

    My immediate branch of the family got the looks and brains, sounds shallow I know, and I'm not shallow...it's difficult to try and describe, but trust me, my cousins were not hot, not even tepid, not even coolish-hey, but we had fun ...and they fought and wrestled and spat and pulled hair and slapped and swore and made passes at me...

    Just wasn't reciprocal.

    My equine pedigree studies however, I endeavor to return to the mare the best lines from the stallion, meaning I chase to match the best producing ancestors from the male and female-and bring them together! So, technically it is a little inbreeding.

    Pam

    ReplyDelete
  30. dude... all i can say is you gotta have a "way more better looking" family than i do..... whoa....

    ReplyDelete
  31. OK, OK, I admit it......she was HOT!

    And no, nothing happened.....but I found out years later that SHE and ANOTHER cousin...well.......

    Did I already mention she was hot?

    ReplyDelete
  32. you are so wacko i am getting addicted to you (and your buddies here).

    ReplyDelete
  33. I may be kinky, but I've never been that kind of kinky. Never had any interest in my cousins. I always had crushes on my older brothers' friends. Now THEY were hot.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You and me....are we kissing cousins?!

    *grin*

    ReplyDelete
  35. My cousins look nothing like me, and I don't know half of them very well because, well, they're BOYS and they are the children of my dad's BROTHERS who being a pack of BOYS don't get together very much and so we don't really meet that often. The children of my mum's SISTER, however, I see very often considering they grew up in Newcastle and I grew up in Devon (look on a map, OK England's little, but that seems like a looooong way to me). Although Ma Cousine and I are bezzie mates, we are nothing alike because we are both female versions of our dads, who are unrelated and more-or-less polar opposites of each other. We are the same height and the same bra-size and that's about it.

    And I don't know what you people get up to across the pond, but I've never kissed my cousins, yuck. I'd have to be really removed for that to happen. Magic Mushremoved.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I'm not confessing a thing. I have no idea what the statute of limitations are.

    My grandmother tried to explain "first cousin once removed" as well as 5th of Kin (seriously, WTF?). I've never understood it. It's all Ancient Greek to me.

    ReplyDelete
  37. FORTUNATELY I do not have any hot cousins! They're (I'm) from WI remember?? lol But like you, my cousins had some GORGEOUS friends. But I was too young...oh well. That's ok because I was saving myself for Davey Jones or David Cassidy and if I really got lucky...DONNY OSMOND! arrr arrrr arrrr!

    Anyway, you mentioned seeing Mark Knopfler...he has a voice that is so hypnotic and the guitar...oh yeah! He was playing just recently in the LA area. Wish I could have gone to see him. Looking forward to the Foo Fighters though. I've seen a couple of unplugged videos and Dave Grohl is hilarious!

    cheers to ya!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hadn't given this much thought til now, but most of my cousins are girls.
    I have 3 male cousins older than me, but didn't see much of them as kids. One of them wrecked my Hornby train so he was definitely on the outer. One was much older and one was my favourite when I was 5.
    Marriage between cousins may be legal, but is seldom advisable - just look at the chinless wonders in the British aristocracy!
    (I worked with a woman whose parents were cousins and, while her brain was fine, she had all sorts of physical malfunctiong bits.)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Nope can't say that I ever kissed a cousin.

    ReplyDelete
  40. CATSCRATCH DIVA
    I would be very interested (as I am sure others would) about a certain cousin' hot girlfriend..even if it is a little off the target there is plenty of wiggle room in this very scientificky study.

    RANDOM CHICK
    Shy is Hotter? D'OH! I had no idea..so much for all that confidence bullsh*t?
    *coyly stares at ground and shuffles feet.

    ANDREA
    Your family has some mighty strong genes eh? Whateverpeg's entire population is more or less comprised of people who were once removed...
    from somewhere habitable!

    ALLAN
    HAHAHAHAHA! Oh that's another post and I prolly would have had a better response than this dismal failure..what a dog this turned out to be eh?

    CAZZIE
    Thank Gawd you showed up! I was beginning to think that I was imagining all of this? I sort of expected a little kiss and that was that...and yes we do try things when we're young without worrying about it's after effects..that's what being young is all about. When is the last time you tried something since?
    EXACTLY!

    ReplyDelete
  41. PONYGIRL
    No way jose!
    I ask the questions here!
    Neener neener neener

    SIENNA
    Ho boy! Hey we all have 'em...poor bastards..not sure why the genes go off the deep end but when it's so close to the motherboard it really does make you grateful and nervous HAHAHA!

    Picking the best of the best is what Mother Nature tries to do too.

    PAISLEY
    HAHAHAHA! Man I can't believe that everybody had all these awful rellies? Is that really the norm?

    THE MICHAEL
    Alrriiighty then! Shazzam! I knew there was something to my theory and I would love to know HOW you found out..and did the whole 'Fam Damily' know?

    MISTI
    These are all very interesting bloggers who are super interesting and intelligent although they are mostly very finicky about which relatives they snog.

    ReplyDelete
  42. ANNA
    My sister, who was two years younger, absolutely prohibited me from pursuing and engaging any extra curricular activities with her friends...
    but who the hell ever listens to their little sister?

    GAUTAMI
    I won't tell if you won't?
    ((muah))

    FATHORSE
    HAHAHAHA! It's the long cold winters spent in desperate isolation that forces us to conjure up distractions and we "make our own fun"

    I love your astute observations that (most) Uncles are totally f*cking USELESS at formulating bonds...and so you are psychologically carbon copies of yer Dads but you share yer Mom's and Aunt's physical characteristics like height and breastusses....kewl.

    LAURA ELIZABETH
    Maybe she meant a 5th of GIN?!
    As far as staututes of limitations..well if this was happening on Facebook it would be a disaster..but none of us seem to have rellies out here..so dish!

    JILLIE
    and Donny is till waiting for you..ahhh..no he has about 4 wives and 27 kids by now but I'll bet Danny Bonadouchebag would be happy to see ya?

    I have to watch the video to Learn To Fly a couple of times a month..all the characters and the storyline are so perfect..one of the best videos ever.

    MOREIDLETHOUGHTS
    Thank You for mentioning the Royals as the ultimate billboard for NOT producing progeny with your cousins..OMG the 'Germans' as Dianan referred to them had pretty much spread their gene pool wafer thin from Russia to India...bit of a sticky wicket...and they're still splashing about in the shallow end...except for the one that married some gal from Canada last month...he must have read a book somewhere along the line. Bravo!

    PREPOSTEROUS PONDERINGS
    Thank You for your honesty..I should have asked about a sibling's friend..Dammit anyway...but my anthropological evolutionary angle was leaning towards all of the fast-tracking overwhelming the inner WTF sensors.

    I have failed..and miserably.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh come on now. Just a girl crush. Of course, back then a girl crush would have landed a young teen in therapy.

    Today it's perfectly acceptable to drool over a cousin's girlfriend, right?

    ReplyDelete
  44. CATSCRATCH
    Absolutely, I do it all the time...OOPS..did it.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Tell you son that you saw Lollapalooza for free.

    ReplyDelete
  46. my cousins always had the hottest friends~~but i was so much younger~~which matters when you are 12-16 and they are 4 to 6 years older~~wonder where they are now (not my cousins, but my cousins high school and college friends)

    ReplyDelete
  47. Procreating with your cousin isn't genetically bad, as long as you don't do it over several generations. Happens all the time where I live, but luckily my parents are from two different states.

    My kids asked about a pesky cousin who was their age, I explained she was their second cousin once removed. My youngest said "She wasn't removed far enough."

    Then they made friends with a girl they assumed was a cousin. I explained they aren't related. But she called their grandma "Mamaw." I explained that "(this child's) mother used to be married to your father." My kids then assumed that this girl is their sister... even though that marriage happened WAY before any of them were born.

    ReplyDelete
  48. mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaa...


    i refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

    ReplyDelete

Danke für das Kommentieren/Gracias por comentar/Merci du commentaire/Вы для комментария/Thank You for commenting/Σας ευχαριστώ για το σχολιασμό/Grazie per commentare/Tak for kommentaren...

click yer cursor matey...

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...