Monday, September 28, 2009

HIDE IN YOUR SH'HELL























If I've learned anything from Diana Ross, and her influence is immeasurable, it's that "You can't hurry love," or blogging.

If you've ever had the opportunity to witness Tortoises perform the act of frightfulness, you'll recognise that blogging can also feel like an excruciatingly awkward, repetitive, thankless, job!

Oh sure, preparation, perserverence and plodding can pay off, but in our world of instant gratification, who has enough time to do it right?
pffft!

It becomes self evident to even the casual observer, that when Totoisii are engaged in the throngs of reptilian rapture, slow and steady wins the race.

Most of us awaken each morning with an unsolicited psychological boner.
We all desperately desire to be loved and come out of our own personal sh'hell. When we post we can stretch our imaginations and stick our necks out a little further that we did the day before.

It behooves me to draw attention to the fact that the four stages of posting are inescapably similar to those of tortoisii making whoopee.


Stage 1
AROUSAL:

Your resolve is stiffening but you are also painfully aware that even a long priapismic post will only get you so far.
Ignore the Hare pulling ahead of you...get into it.
It's not the desperation, it's the journey.











Stage 2
PLATEAU: It is on!


Your tappin' that keypad for all your worth and posting with all your might.
Your Blog is a well lubricated machine at this stage of the game so take your time and enjoy the ride.
You don't want to prematurely articulate?








Stage 3
BLOGASM:


Shaz-zam!
Selfless persistant pounding out posting after posting will override your slavish, natural, inclination towards instant gratification and produce multiple comments!







Stage 4
RESOLUTION
Sweet.


Resolution is sweet yet bittersweet and fleeting because your Blog is an insatiable taskmasteress.
Eventually the commentorphens drain from the cerebral area.
Your psychological boner returns to it's flaccid exile and gradually your battered, fragile, ego will schlep a path back to it's pathetic homeostasis of helplessness and shame.




Soon you find yourself circling the drain
of self loathing in a shallow sea of doubt, cynicism, failure, and guilt. This vicious cycle is much like the fate of the ubiquitous Post Turtle that doesn't know how it got in this situation or how it will ever get off unless someone lends it a helping hand.

16 comments:

  1. i thought i've been sucking up to you all this time.

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  2. Absolutely spot on Donn.
    Perhaps the only solution is to do it every day.

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  3. hey Donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn - have you heard this?

    a few comments down under the recording someone says it's a viral marketing spam thingy, I wondered if you knew!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for that informative analogy about the creative process. I hear the Nobel prize committee muttering with excitement.
    Of course, the poet Keats wrote a sonnet comparing the composition of verse to the rutting of gibbons, but it never caught on as he overlooked the importance of incorporating illustrations.

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  5. All I've learned from Diana Ross is that you don't have to be talented to get ahead--you just have to give head to the talent manager!

    It's always a good idea to use caution when dealing with turtles or blogging--you don't want to end up with a sore appendage or find yourself in an embarrassing situation!

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  6. Clearly I'm having blogging problems. I only knock one out every few weeks. Should I consult a doctor?

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  7. What is this, Donn? People using terms like, 'knocking one out' and stage 1 that clearly is a picture of a penis stuc onto a shell thing's head.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your blogging doesn't have to be over. Not being interested in blogging is a problem but there is a way to get the spark back. First you need to figure out what is causing your low blog drive. Is it physical? Is it emotional? You need to go to a self help blog to determine that. Even if you think unhappiness is the problem, it may be something else like depression or blogging dysfunction.

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  9. Dude... you are so friggin spot on its frightening!

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  10. Thank you for this public service announcement. I'm really grateful to you.

    I'm afraid I have to resort to the drug that is caffeine before I can get anything up in the morning (including myself).

    Perhaps I should seek professional help...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, this is both hilarious and astute. I mean, uncomfortably astute...

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  12. It helps to have an endless supply of photos of nekkid old men.

    At least that's how I keep going.

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  13. Do we want to see endless pictures of Donn nekkid with stuff on him?

    No we want tortoises being rude.

    Loved it!
    xx

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  14. TUTI
    I am defenseless against your incessant stalking..keep it coming.

    KAZ
    A blog a day keeps the "shrink" at bay!

    THE VIEW
    Thank you for exposing Canada's most celebrated whackjob..I may need to blog about him. I still can't decide if it's a lark or not?
    Could a "man" really be that stupid?

    VICUS
    Keat's "Gibbon It All You've Got" is tragically under-appreciated by the great unwashed. Of course Keats did not have photoshop back then but I have offered my services. I am perpetually amazed at the width & breadth of your knowledge base.

    MR SWINGS
    It am constantly enticed by the prospect of "turtling" and just hoping that someone might right me.
    Somedays it just doesn't pay to stick your head out.

    BETTY
    No. Whatever you do, do NOT seek aid from a certified medical professional..they are usually lonely men with access to anesthetics and rubber gloves...a scenario that must be avoided at all costs.

    EMERSON MARKS
    Tortoisii are blatantly phallic!
    The "Creator" must have invented them on a Friday..about 4:50 pm...just before quitting time..as a lark.

    SARAH
    My blogging mojo has been waning for some time now. I am slightly depressed about it but nothing that copious amounts of Rum can't cure.

    ANGEL
    Scary innit? Sometimes your subconcious inner blogger breaks free and offers the universe to you on a platter. Whether we choose to partake or ignore our revelations usually depends on our mood. I channeled my "anger & frustration" and tried to make lemonade :)

    ROSES
    I am hearing, what you are really saying! I myself need a ridiculous amount of the bean to become fully erect and catch up to my bits.

    LEAH
    Sometimes it's "hard" to accept the things that we need to hear. I squirmed a little when I hit "publish"..I thought..OMG what have I done! What if I'm wrong? Why is the sky blue? Why was I created? How do they make Caramilk bars?

    But then I said "Oh what the heck" and did it anyway...and really, how many times has that answer got me into trouble? pffft!

    MJ
    Your endless supply of desperate aged self abusers is one for the Ages. Where you find these troubled souls is beyond me. All I know is that they are as the Gud Lard Made 'Em and that their story needs to be told.

    You are a prophetic purveyor of the Human Condition. My greatest single fear in Life, is that 20 years from now, I will show up on your Filthy Friday :(.

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  15. LULU

    Really? I'd be glad to doff my duds if that would help? Seriously, I have been known to make up any excuse to git nekked even going as far to cajole my neighbours into playing Trivial Pursuit in the buff.
    True story... and yes, the demon Rum may have been a factor.

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  16. maybe we should rename this post. don goes deep, hahaha so many different meanings. I like it.

    ReplyDelete

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