Tuesday, April 14, 2009


WARNING. The following contains sexual content that is intended for an adult audience with a sense of humour. These events occurred, to the best of my recollection, sometime during a summer in the early 70s…I think.
May contain nuts.

Now there comes a time in every young man's life when he reaches the natural conclusion of his dry-humping tether. As most of us are well aware, this societally-condoned, alternative to ‘really doing it’ is universally accepted as the primary weapon in the war on teen pregnancy…after abstinence pffft!

Junior High “SEX “can at best be described as a nasty, thankless, business, which, by all accounts, is merely a rudimentary form of mutual masturbation.

Following hours of promissory pleas to love, cherish, and adore his girlfriend until the end of time, a process that can take a young lad weeks, even months to finalise, preparations for the securing of the perfect, parentless, location is essential. This arduous journey could, in theory, zap the ‘magic’ were it not for the testosteronic flooding of the near-dormant, reptilian, brain of a teenage male.

Once the perfect-parentless place has been located and all of the prerequisite promises of the contractually-obligated, never-ending love ‘crapola’ have been fulfilled, it is now time for the curious, young, lovers to explore the exciting, mysterious, world that consumes their lurid machinations.

The road from chaste to chafed may now begin.

It is a regrettable fact that the entire process from start to finish can be measured in nanoseconds. Let's face facts, after all is said and undone, dry-mounting is a roughshod-ride performed with enthusiastic determination but executed at a woodpeckerian pace.

And so it came to pass after having survived this awkward, chafing, stage, I was now enrolled in High School and it was high-time to make the paradigm shifting move to really doin’ it.

My opportunity arose one Summer’s night while partying in a resort-town bar in a neighbouring country. Despite being under the legal age to get laid or drunk in the State of ______ I had little choice but to ignore the statutes.

I was competing with older dudes for the attentions of the scantily clad, OLDER, girls who were old enough to go all the way, I knew that my only option for ‘scoring’ was through the miracle of alcohol.

Not only must I raise the level of my boom-chaka-laka to new heights, it would definitely help if my intended victim of lurve was totally hammered as well.

After several hours of intense oral injections of cheap, Yankee, beer, I was ready.
I lurked about the perimeter of the dance floor looking for the perfect gal who had the ideal combination of being classified 3H: hot, hammered, and horny.

There she was...a vision…and a perfect triple H vision at that!
But she was dancing with an older guy who could grow real sideburns!

Carpe Dayam!

I had waited until the last dance and it was now or never. I mustered all of the testosterone and liquid personality available and pumped it into the understaffed PR department of my brain.

I marched over and brazenly stood between her and her startled suitor and yelled in her ear in a nervous, woodpeckerian, cadence…

True story.

Her glassy eyes tried to focus on me..yep here I am, over here, the guy in the middle...and she somehow managed to adjust her staggering dance style in order to tip her head in my general direction and pulled me close like it was V Day 1945!

As her head slumped onto my shoulder I was half expecting a sucker punch in the back of my head from her newly redundant suitor. To my utter shock and relief, he simply spun around and continued dancing with the nearest female.

We held each other up for a few moments until the music ended and the lights went up..closing time. Following a brief explanation of my immediate plans to my mates I carefully pored my prize into the vehicle..
my mates could bloody well walk back to the motel.

I slowly drive the vehicle (I know I know but it’s the 70s) into what I believe is a private, secluded, wooded, area nearby. It turns out, of course, that I had plowed though some bushes and stopped about 50 feet behind the bar but whatever.

We zip through the small talk, yada-yada-yada, and it turns out that my intended victim is a 2nd Year University student about 3 years older than I was.
I 'm pretty sure that she had blonde hair.

We then fastrack the foreplay, rubba-dub-dub, and furiously removed our clothes just like they do in the movies. I race to tear open the dangerously sharp packaging on the prophylactic…
geeze..you’d think that the manufacturers would be conscious of this bio-hazard?

“WAIT,” she blurts out,
“Is THIS (hic) your first TIME?”

“Pfft no!” I lied.
Obviously unconvinced she speed-uttered,

Thannnn lat’s make this a (hic) night to ramambur!”

To my astonishment, she began to pleasure me in a manner that I had only read about in the hallowed pages of the Penthouse Forum.
I was getting some you-know..marble gargling.

Perhaps now I would get my own letter published in Penthouse, just like John Candy did in Splash.

Musical interlude courtesy of that "movie" starring Olivia Newton John Travolta:

“Summer Gummin,’ had me a bla-ast
Summer Gummin’ happened so fa-ast
Met a girl, who went down on meeee”

I sort of remember laying back to savour the moment and gazed up at the stars through the steamed windows.

The pleasuring continued for at least 10 minutes…maybe 15…
I dunno? It was tantric OK?
I do remember that it eventually dawned on me that I wasn’t, well, really feeling much of anything. What the hell? I didn’t even know that that was even biologically possible?


Ok concentrate..concentrate…
I can still see, through my thickening beer goggles, the top of the head of the gorgeous OLDER creature.…whose name to this day escapes me..yeah, she was definitely blonde.

Since this is all blurry to me I can only assume that I started to daydream…probably about where my buddies ended up?...and hoping that it’d be hot tomorrow so that I could sleep it off on the beach.


Oh no, despite having my manhood meticulously manipulated by an OLDER chick I was losing my mojo.
Wait what was that?
It sounds like..like..snoring?

The stark realization that my now flaccid friend had nestled beside the lovely face of DESTINY now snoring on my lap, is a moment in time that I shall never EVER forget.

My attempt to reinvigorate her passion while simultaneously summoning a ressur-erection proved futile.

I learned a valuable lesson that night.
In the matter regarding the intricacies surrounding successful teenage sexual activity we find these inalienable truths to be self evident: There is a delicate, finite, balance between;

A. the amount of alcohol required to muster the initial resolve required to procure a suitable object for self gratification,

B. lowering the inhibitions and standards of your intended victim, in order to penetrate their defenses and

C. somehow retaining the ability to participate and remain moderately cognizant of experiencing the act of frightfulness.

You live and you learn.


  1. roflmao... that was possibly the funniest story I have read in months..lol.. poor Coppens!!! lol...silver lining, at least she didn't puke ;)

  2. Oh my word! But I don't even remember being in Canada...

  3. It would be nice to say I lost my cherry,
    It was springtime and it was love,
    but she was ugly, i was legless and I met her in a pub.
    but that night i got me end away
    shagging in the ute,
    to the rythmn of the music of a rocky billy group.

  4. OMG! Donn! She passed out in your lap?!?!? That is waaaayyyyyy too funny.... (to paraphrase our long lost friend Nations: *snork!*)

  5. You were so close it's absolutely tragic.

    And absolutely brilliantly hilarious. I hope you don't mind that I'm still giggling.

    An awesome almost-first-time story.

  6. Ha...and was your second experience a good one? Who's idea was it to make so many first times so bad? Kewl story, though. And good lessons, which I'm sure you referred to in later encounters, yes?

  7. a drunk face snoring against your flaccid friend - Donn what a picture!

  8. OH, that is hilarious. Very very funny.

  9. Although it is not my intention to put a damper on..er..your already damped post, still I gotta say what I gotta say... pointwise, although not in any order:

    1) You need another break from blogging

    2) You need a brain surgery

    3) You need to curb on writing about you non-existent sexcapades.

    4) You need to feed your own fish.

    5) You need to go take a hike!

    6) You might have lost a reader from India! (To remedy that, you can go and grovel at her feet).

    Until then..


  10. hey Donn!

    **Met a girl, who went down on meeee

    Did John Travolta really say that? haha!

    btw ur old pic makes me wonder why I wasnt born in ur era and as ur neighbor too LOL!


  11. Ha! This was funny and brilliant! Xmichra is right; at least she didn't throw up!

    Outstanding job on hooking her in the first place! Clearly, you were on your way to being a master fisherman!

  12. You really should wait until marriage Donn. That's what I've done. Teee-hee!


  13. Because British teenage boys were only genuinely interested in football and cars in the 1970's, there was only one girl in our class who had got anywhere near *hitting the jackpot* with a boy who first of all asked her what her opinions on sex before marriage were (!) They ended up getting down to the deed on some hills behind our school in November. Lovely. It all went wrong of course. Still, she wore stockings so it's obvious that she was a trollop, ha ha.

    Anyway ... thanks for being honest.

  14. You made me laugh my arse off...now how will I fart!

  15. Comic gold!!! I was impressed that you brought along your own condom - such maturity. Would love to know what happened next, did you like a gentleman, lay there with trousers around ankles until the lady woke up?



    *adjusts wig, straightens skirt and exits*

  17. ROFL

    You have nicely "exposed" your memories :D

    I hope you're not asking us to recall our first time..do you?

    Ah I recall the place and the guy.My first boyfriend was really dumb and crazy but we had a real good time sexually!He was wild.I remember he was a sailor.Won't tell more just that we were young and free and crazy!:)

  18. Don! You little sex pest.

    Now be honest with me, we're two grown men afterall, and things happen when us chaps have had a few shandies......but when she was out cold did you try and beat one into her?

    Yes, I thought so.

  19. I have been told that the sound of snoring and the noise produced by the female orgasm are indistinguishable.

  20. OMG...that has to be one of the best almost first sexual experiences I have ever read....

    It it makes you feel any better, you made my day!

    Happy "Hump" Day to ya....LMAO

  21. when i think about my first time with a man i wonder why i wanted more of them....

    now i know why, the older the better in my opinion. well, until a certain age. i am not talking senior citizen here, nope..more of the well practiced middle ager.

    i should blog about my first time, i had to talk the boy into it...

  22. Heehehhe, so midle aged men, did I hear right?

    True, sex is better when you're more experienced -first times can be terrible-, but my experience tells me that being more experienced won't prevent you from falling asleep.

    Middle aged partners also fall asleep; they don't need a zillion beers to do that: a bit of stress and long hours working are enough to make them fall asleep.

    And yet, it's not a tragedy. Nobody is perfect. Just enjoy the foreplay, whistle and sing -mentally- that famous song from 'Life of Brian' -Look on the bright side of life-.

    There will be better times, to be sure.

  23. A night better off FORGOTTEN.

  24. Has MS Coppens read this yet? Are you in any shape to answer this question?

  25. "I had plowed though some bushes and stopped about 50 feet behind the bar but whatever."

    If you'd known those were the only bushes you'd plow that night...

  26. Oh my -- too funny. Thanks for the trip back to the '70s ... I think ... :)

  27. Dude... I had to read this twice because I needed my inhaler after a giggle-induced asthma attack!

  28. Get drunk.
    Put cock in mouth.
    Fall asleep.

    Now that's what I call low maintenance!

  29. Donn Coppens,
    I love you.
    I lol'ed like nobody's business.


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