Sunday, February 01, 2009

The Proof Is In The Pudding

VASWRECKTOMY PART 4
The proof is in the pudding is an old proverb that was popularised three hundred years ago by Cervantes in Don Quixote. Of course Cervantes had no way of knowing that pud would be slang for semen in the 21st Century.

Welcome to the wacky world of analyzing post-vaswrecktomized men known as Sementology.


This proverb implies that you won’t know whether food has been properly cooked unless you try it. For recently vaswrecktomized men, it means that you won't know if you're shootin' blanks until they examine your pudding.


Like most of you, I had no idea how this sticky subject would be handled.



This form letter attempts to explain ..




Now the first obstacle for the man is to determine how one goes about manufacturing a sample without breaking your marriage vows. Hmm?

If your good-lady-wife happens to be unavailable and miles away, this means that an ethical dilemma presents itself.


Rather than fantasize about another woman and perpetuate an act of mental adultry, a husband would need to recall a romantic encounter in vivid detail in order to procure the act of self abuse and produce a sample for the friendly staff at Wank & Hoff Laboratories.

Unfortunately the romantic antics of most married couples tragically succumb to the pressures of modern living and after a few years the incidence of chandelier swingin' monkey-love becomes more sporadic.


As Milton Berle said, ''You know, my wife and I have sex almost every day of the week...Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.."



If such lustful thoughts of the act of procreational marital bliss are not readily available, then a stimulating visual aid of video/photographic library of your spouse...some husbands receive tastefully staged yet awkwardly executed "boudoir" gifts at Valentine's Day. Naturally these momentos cannot be displayed, EVER, and most end up in a box in the basement or after an acrimonious divorce, on the Interweb labelled with a disparaging remark.



Therefore the average monogamist, isolated from the helping hand of his one true love and bereft of the aforementioned titilating erotica, must man-up and make the dreaded call.


He must phone his wife at work and explain to her that he is being forced to entertain improper lustful thoughts about another woman for a few seconds in order to complete an important medical procedure.

He must calmly explain that the solitary frightful act of beastiliness is for the greater good of the relationship. Some short term pain for long term gain sort of nonsense. He will promise her that it will only happen the one time, that it won't mean anything, and that he won't enjoy himself.

She'll prolly say "Oh for gawdsake" and hang up..which in his mind is her roundabout way of conveying her acceptance. Yes! You are now cleared for takeoff...lift off in 10..9..8..








15.8 seconds later



Many of you may be unaware that extra precautions are now taken in order to guard against theft of the collection sample. The main threat are semen-addicts such as the the single mother of 6 children who recently underwent in-vitro fertilization and had a litter of octuplets!

She and others plagued with her condition would obviously do anything to get their hands on some more nice, warm, sperm. Wank & Hoff Laboratories have now made it company policy that all samples must be flown in by helicopter.

The helicopter ride to the Clinic seems to take forever but believe me, you will need to use this time to think about how you will maintain your composure when you deliver your swimmers to the dour disapproving harridan at the reception desk.

Hopefully the media won't show up at the drop-off like they did at the procedure

..the horror...the horror.

What will the receptionist think of you...she knows exactly what you've been doing within the last 30 minutes and will no doubt heap burning coals of shame upon your soul!

"You filthy, disgusting, selfish, little, pig!"


"Place your container of wasted baby making fluids in the box..say hello to Satan when you roast in hell you animal!"



She then hands you this poster.



After returning to the deafening silence of your empty home you will probably experience remorse, guilt, and shame. To alleviate these feelings, carefully scrub your swimsuit area with bleach, iodine, and steel wool.



Now it's time to contemplate how you will make it up to your longsuffering spousal unit. Especially since this entire procedure must be repeated next week!


Try to remember that you made this sacrifice so that you would enjoy the freedom, whether tepid or torrid, to engage in limitless encounters of spontaneous, guilt-free, acts of state sanctioned carnal pleasure.

You did it for Love...and the proof, is in the pudding.

32 comments:

  1. goodness I felt I was almost there!

    And I hope you remembered to carry it in your inside pocket to keep it warm - lucky they told you that one.

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  2. Himself failed this test you know, he'll be pleased I told you that. He had to go back for resnipping!

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  3. I am more than a little surprised that you should find masturbation so problem-ridden. Everyone says what a complete wanker you are.
    And, yes Jesus does watch you masturbate. I charge the filthy bugger £250.

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  4. Pud is slang for semen? Really? I had no idea.

    When J and I were having difficulties conceiving he had to have his "pud" analyzed. I had to... ummm... assist. But I didn't swallow this time!

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  5. ZIG
    My word they had to re-open the case? I will not fail the test. I have been studying very hard!

    VICUS
    Of course this is completely absurd. Any guy could supply guilt free buckets of the stuff at the drop of a hat...for the rest of his life.

    I suppose that I should have made the obvious more obvious, perhaps a little more sarcasm.

    I just assumed that the Ladies would see right through this malarkey and recognise what a load of crap it was. As if this is a problem...since we are saddled with enough sperm over our lifetime to impregnate every female on the planet (several times over) we don't need an excuse to release the valve.
    Pfft.

    ANNA
    You are a real trooper. In the Bible a wife was known as a helpmate.
    In chess, a helpmate consists of a black move,
    a white move,
    a black move,
    a white move,
    a black move,
    a white move,
    a black move,
    a white move,
    a black move,
    a white move,
    a black move,
    and then a final white move,
    giving checkmate

    ;)

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  6. LOL LOL LOL

    //He must phone his wife at work and explain to her that he is being forced to entertain improper lustful thoughts about another woman for a few seconds in order to complete an important medical procedure.//

    classic lines, classic post :) what would we do without you bro...:)

    pudding bahahahah! ewww :(

    ok...i always wondered...evolution could have made one super strong sperm dude instead of a million right? why not?

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  7. Semen is a slang term for pudding..? //Or t'other way round!!

    Well you learn something new every day don't you!!

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  8. I shall be wary if you bring a pudding to the Infomaniac Staff Pot-Luck!

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  9. Sementology? I don't want to think about Tom Cruise tugging the lad ... oops too late.

    The body is sinful according to my minister the very Reverend Bobby Love, we Presbyterians don't even look at our Satan sticks and if you do you should punish yerself, I've punished myself for hours and hours in the name of the Lard.

    I wonder if Wank and Hoff have a problem with wankers in their lobby.

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  10. Hmmm... Pudding hair gel??
    Sx

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  11. That's why it's called 'Sticky Toffee Pudding'. I'd always wondered.

    Can you walk properly yet?

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  12. I need to take a shower now...

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  13. Apparently, this type of pudding is only 5-7 calories/teaspoon.

    I hope you didn't pull a muscle or strain yourself with the task at hand.

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  14. Hmmmmm.........they didn't ask ME for samples afterwards.......I suppose I must have signed a waiver that excused them of ANY liability after the fact......but....hmmmm........it it possible......NAW....could it be?.............NAW!!!!!!!!

    You bastard! Now I have to wonder.........

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  15. I realize it won't be as scientific but if you need help in the future just give me a call.

    I'll give Mr. Wank a run for his money.

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  16. When I was a teenager I was told that everytime I did "what you're talking" about I was killing a future child who might become a doctor or a solicitor.
    After abstaining for a whole week, I did "what you're talking about"...
    My future child flew out!!!
    I realised I'd just killed a potential pilot!

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  17. GHOSTAY
    You're right. Mother Nature only needed to produce 1 male for every 20,000 females...if we assume that he can schwing it 365 days a year for 50 years, which seems reasonable to me.
    NBA supastar Wilt Chamberlain did it why can't we?

    GLEDWOOD
    Greetings! I make up a lot of stuff but I know that pudknockers and pud are colloquial references to wankin' and semen production..atleast on this side of the pond. I am so excited about the title that I dare not tinker with it now.

    XL
    Not to worry..I am a GERMOPHOBE so you cannot begin to imagine what an ordeal this has been.

    My christian upbringing ensured that I view recreational sex as being evil and disgusting (procreation only/lights off/think of England) so wankerbating is totally off the charts!

    OLE KNUDEY TOOTY
    HAHAHA! Thank you for catching that sementolgy flyball.

    I just returned from Wank & Hoff and there were several lads floggin' the bishop in the reception area..they may have been trying to warm up?
    Oh there were even a few guys badgering the witness in the elevator!

    SCARLETT
    Now everyone will be staring at your avatar and wondering if there's something about Scarlett?

    ZED!!
    No problemo. That is why Mother Nature thought of putting a second, even tinier brain in the swimsuit area of males. Like the Stegosaurus, there was just too much goin' on in the hind quarters so our hard drive got divided in case of an overload. This is why males cannot multi-task..not enough memory.

    RANDOM
    I am so sorry if I grossed you out. I tried to keep it Romantic with all of that monogamy bullsh...er..stuff, and maintain a bit of decorum by making it sound scientificky.

    Sorry puddin'.

    EROSWINGS
    You would think that it would be incorporated into a Diet..all that protein, 100% natural, and it's FREE..jeeze louise what more can you ask for?

    THE
    What do you mean they never took a sample after? For all you know they implanted a GPS chip for the Government to track you with?

    You had better check. I have Titanium clamps that apparently don't go off in the airport security cattle shutes...sort of cool..makes me feel like da Sperminator..

    I am frum da fyou-chaw

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. CYBERPETE
    Gadzooks! I take it that you are referring to the proverbial left hand of fellowship? A good neighbour is always at the ready to lend a hand.

    KRIMO
    HAHAHAHA!
    At the very least a circus guy that who gets shot out of the cannon?
    btw; I pronounce the 'I' in your moniker as an ee...very tempting here....
    is it a long or a short vowel? ;)

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  20. So... did you pass or fail? No swimmers or a resnip?

    I bet you had no problems collecting that sample at all, what with all the noodie pics of Monica Belluci lining your walls. ;-)

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  21. Dirty... I feel dirty...

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  22. What a dilemma! Can't it just be removed surgically -kinda like Maple syrup or something? Surely that's easier than masturbating.

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  23. Pud…ha!

    (it’s okay to open this link. Don’t listen to XL)

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  24. Watch out, or go blind DOING the masterbation. Well, you know, it is true right!

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  25. jeez louweez..I used to LIKE pudding.


    Hilarious!

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  26. I had no idea you were back mon frere! Awesome!
    I thought your wife was going to have to go into phone sex there for a minute. Generous of you to jump that story line. Hope your shootin what you intend to shoot!

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  27. Consider me a very good neighbour.

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  28. I was hoping to eavesdrop on the phone sex as well.

    boys and their vasectomies...never heard a bigger bunch of whiners.

    I gotta send a couple people over here.

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  29. Now this is my kinda post!

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  30. you and your tales of "man pudding" woe have me laughing my ass off.. this was just to funny for words.. i would have loved to have watched you write this.. you had to be in hysterics!!!!

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  31. so, what's the result?

    ReplyDelete

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