Tuesday, February 03, 2009

EIGHT AIN'T ENOUGH

I am so dumb. Why oh why oh why did I get a vaswrecktomy? I could have had my own TV show on TLC and made million$!

The trouble is, in this day and age I would need to procure more than 20 children in order to be considered "special".

At first viewers were satisfied with gawkin' at the GOSSELIN Family.
Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Unfortunately they only have 8 kids so whatever pffft..

I would have called it "Jon & K'8.. Is Enough Already!"

Now the DUGGARS are the latest entry in this spawn-a-thon category. These crazy Duggars are a fresh-faced Fundie Family from Arkeesaw whose literal interpretation of go forth be fruitful and multiply to replenish the Earth has blessed them with 18...
talk about begat'n it on!
Not only does the "Mrs" home-school her brood, but even more shocking, is that Jim-Bob (I kid you not!) gave all of his kids a "J" name...
Jordyn, Jennifer, Johannah, Jackson, Justin, James, Jason, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Joy, Josiah, Joseph, Jinger, Jessa, Jill, John-David, Jana, and Joshua...
you'd think that the oddball, the Mom, Michelle, would atleast change her name to Jichelle.


My hunch is that the next spawn-a-thon show on the horizon will be FOURF*CKIN'TEEN?! starring NADYA SULEMAN ...who is still a little camera shy so here is a paparrazzi photo of her defensive Father "Ed" who apparently is moving back to Iraqistan because there isn't enough room in the shoe.

His 33 year old daughter is an unemployed/student/single/Mom who now has 14 children under the age of 8. She had 6 kids and thanks to the miracle of invitro spermilization just pupped a new litter of octuplets last week.

Ed was living in his own house and then bought his daughter a home but he was forced to move in with her because he declared bankruptcy...but somehow he doesn't seem very excited about the idea of sharing a 2 bedroom/one bathroom bungalow with 14 grandchildren?

By my calculations Ms Suleman needs to acquire atleast 7 more kidlets in order to qualify for her own show.

A storm of controversy concerning how the f*ck this procreational absurdity was ever allowed to happen may present a glitch in securing sponsors...
but my guess is that some tabloid will come through and throw tons of money at her so that Middle America can feast on this freak show.


I can still remember when The Learning Channel wasn't a freak show. Somehow the tall foreheads in the corner offices decided to abandon the scientificky stuff and let The Discovery Channel have at 'er. Obviously there aren't enough advertising dollars to support two scientificky channels in North America.

I'm not surprised.

More people want to read about the innane lives of the ever expanding constellation of vapid Celebrities rather than learn about the so-called "Real World".

This is exactly why I refer to my pathetic species as Homo Escapeons. The great unwashed choose to escape dealing with real issues and would rather be entertained..even at the expense of being subjected to the mindnumbingly tedious drivel such as the aforementioned programming.


We totally deserve the next EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT because we are obviously doing sweet f*ck all with our brainpower...which is supposedly the pinnacle of 3.5 billion years of evolutionary tinkering.

99.9% of all species that have ever existed are now extinct!


In order to give TLC a fair shake I must confess that I do love the zany antics of the gals on L.A. INK ...especially Kim..
isn't she adorable?

I intend to adopt her and another 25 "babes" just like her so that I can have my own bloody show...although my program might not be as wholesome and Family Oriented.

27 comments:

  1. *books appointment to have tubes tied*

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  2. I remember seeing a programme a few years ago and there was a family of something like 17 kids in Britain, but there were two older ones that had died somehow in their early teens, and only half the children remembered them because the younger children didn't exist. I always thought that would be very, very bizarre.

    I'm the second oldest of five chilluns and I think that's more than enough. Siblings should have at least one or preferably two years between them to give them some individuality and space to breathe, but there shouldn't be so many that the youngest never knew the oldest as children. I can't imagine being able to relate to someone as a brother or sister if they've always been adults all my life, or had their own homes and things.

    I wonder what it's like to be my youngest brother. hmmmm...

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  3. Isn't there a species of arachnid that involves the mother allowing her young'uns to eat her once they're born? Yuh.

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  4. Is TLC "They Lack Contraceptives"?

    Those Duggar boys are scary!

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  5. I still only want two. Maybe in ten years time they'll put TV shows on for us freaks who DON'T want more than thirty-seven children. :)

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  6. I don't atch any of these shows, although I did tune into the Duggar boy's wedding put of morbid curiosity. The world is overpopulated - hasn't anyone ever heard of zero poulation growth?

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  7. It'll all work out one way or the other. I read this thing yesterday about how birds always have loads of babies but on average two survive to replace their parents. The rest are just food for some other species.
    Gaya will sort it out!

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  8. I wonder if any one of us can sue them for horning in on our carbon footprint? Perhaps I can sue them for taking in a disproportionate amount of precious O2 that MY decendents could have breathed? Oh, I am SOOOOO wanting to personally sterilize this looney tune baby factory and put her to work in a hospital taking care of special needs infants.......grrrrrrrrrrrr

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  9. I'd like to know how much of my taxes are going to cover the woman with 6 + 8....

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  10. What's even worse are all the laws being put into place to wipe out the Darwin effect. Those kid doesn't need no stinking bike helmet, the parents have plenty of backups!

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  11. Ummm....I think your show would be called "Donn and the Girls Next Door Who Are Really Hot."

    I have two children and I've already lost my mind. If I had eight (or 14) I would need an IV full of Valium and a jack-hammer to hit my husband over the head with.

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  12. I often find it amazing that our species is still alive, actually. . .

    . . . and now am strangely reminded of the oldie version of HG Wells' The Time Machine, which was on tv over the recent festive period, in which - in the future - homo sapiens comprises lots of happy stupid children living a carefree existance in eutopia, who were actually food for the ugly monsters, Warlocks, who really ruled the world

    I'm not sure quite why that's relevant

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  13. I wonder why Mrs Duggar is smiling.

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  14. Mrs Duggar is smiling because she has totally lost her mind... and has no idea who all those people are and what she is doing there.

    I did not contribute to the gene pool. My tubes are tied - there will be no baby Vikings popping out of me.

    It seems that the stupider (more stupid?) people are, the more babies they have.... Soon the planet will be populated with morons and our species will devolve... I am sure the planet will be all the better for that, too. *sigh*

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  15. When ya do get ya show... I can be ya neighbour and covet thy neighbours goods........

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  16. Nature has a way of striking the balance between excess and scarcity. I bet all those kids turn out gay and have no desire to have kids.

    Or the aliens finally take over or the machines wipe us out.

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  17. Ah - so now we know what Brad and Angelina are up to.

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  18. In Spain, 50 years ago the government gave natality awards (yes, it's 100% true). Imagine, families with 18-19-20 kids.

    Now (thank gawd) you don't see that anymore (it's considered quite irresponsible to have more than 3 kids nowadays over here), but I still remember when I was little, some of my friends came from families with 4-5even 6 kids.

    BTW, I have a small budget, but I think I could adopt Jude Law, LOL.

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  19. I might not look like her but how about adopting me?

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  20. You kind-hearted old fool. I may have to do the same as I hear Clive Owen needs a Mommy.

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  21. MJ
    I'm putting you on a strict diet of Tube-Steak for the forseeable future.

    FATHORSE
    I only had one sister so I tended to gravitate towards friends who came from BIG families..like 6 or more. The dynamics fascinated me. There was all this competitiveness and re-positioning alliances..it was amazing! There was compromising and cajoling and sharing and collective bargaining. Really cool.
    I never had any of that...we just did our things.

    You should ask your brother what his experience was like.

    SPENTRAILS
    If there is it must be called the Spoiled-brat spider. Think about all of the issues haunting those kids?

    GEOFF
    They Lack Contraceptives HAHAHAHA! or Conscience?


    STACE
    Maybe..it all depends on what the Chinese want to watch. They've had a one child policy for two generations and now they have 500 Million spoiled little Emperors (& esses) coming into power. If that doesn't scare you I don't know what would.

    CITIZEN
    Now Now GOD told them to have all of those kids. ZPG is anti-christian-communist-pinko-atheist propoopganda!!

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  22. TOM
    You're right.
    Apparently the Duggars don't let their kids watch Movies or learn about the outside world so they are going to get slaughtered wholesale if they ever leave the compound.

    You can talk to them online and the Mom desperately tries to justify their lifestyle..I'd say check it out but meh

    THE
    They are the All American Family! C'mon salt of the Earth...and they are Green because they are making the most of the notion of economy of scale....everybody trades underwear on Thursday.

    KATHERINE
    Well it prolly cost a couple Million to cover the staff involved to deliver and nurture 8 premature 2 pound babies. Some Tabloid will give her a few Million so that the rest of us can have a schadenfreude orgie and we can leer at her unconscienable reckless behaviour. She's obviously very disturbed.

    HOODCHICK
    Well they are playing the Law Of Averages game and hedging their bets. Barring an Act Of God the odds are pretty good that atleast a couple are going to live long enough to care for them when they get old.

    All of my Grandparents came from families that had atleast 10 children..of course disease and accidental death were a lot more prevelent 90 years ago.

    RANDOM CHICK
    I'd use the Jackhammer on a different part of your Hubby just to make sure!


    THE VIEW
    At some point in the future you have to believe that the Third World people will become food pellets for us. How else can we justify keeping them around and running out of control..breeding like rabbits, polluting the environment. We either sterilize them now or start sending over goose liver to fatten them up.

    XL
    Oh!? Because she is getting lots of love.

    PONITA
    Devolve..soon? It is on RFN! Like I said we either sterilize the lot or start inventing a recipe book. I'm thinkin' Chinese or Thai tonight will take on a whole new meaning.

    SNAKE
    Absolutely. You can be my straight man..I get to deliver all the zingers.

    EROSWINGS
    It's not nice to fool Mother Nature and she will send a new viral strain when she's fed up...or earthquakes, volcanos, tsunamis, drought, pestilence, plague...all the stuff she has used on us before.

    KAZ
    Yup. It will be interesting to see how they are going to top the Duggars. Of course they can afford to raise an entire city so I don't have a problem with that.

    LENI
    Since modern economies are based on exponential unsustainable growth they need warm bodies...if the locals aren't reproducing then they open up the immigration floodgates and we all know how well that is working out..atleast with the 7th century imports who have no intentions of joining the 21st century.

    I am sure that Jude would be thrilled to be your love-slave...but he has a bit of a wandering eye you'll need to watch him like a hawk.

    GAUTAMI
    Umm..you're a bit too independent and strong willed for what I have in mind. I don't think that you would be the ideal candidate for the job.

    ANDREA
    Clive would prolly kill to have a yummy mummy like you!

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  23. The wackanoodle who just birthed 8 chillun' was on television this morning. I missed it. Apparently she's not... well. Yeah, like that wasn't obvious from the get go.

    I didn't want, don't want, children. My brothers have been very kind to procreate and they allow me to torture... um... play with their demon-spawn at regular intervals - that's all I need.

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  24. I hear the woman who had octuplets is now getting millions and her own show. And, that she had it for that reason? I don't know if the second part is true, but that's what I was told by a coworker who's obsessed with this kind of thing. Me? I couldn't care less if she popped out 25 in one shot. I still wouldn't watch the show. And frankly don't believe that having octuplets is a fair trade for millions and a show. There isn't ENOUGH money in the world for me to have that many kids...but, hey, that's just me. That's how I roll. I'm selfish, I like my time being my time.... :)

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  25. how in fuckity does someone without a job afford fertility treatments!!!
    and why the fork do these people with 37 children dress them all the same?!?!????

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  26. As I said to Moi, Miss Suleman can always sell her brood and get lots of mullah.

    It's babies she likes apparently, so why would she want them after the next one was born anyway?

    I reckon your Social Services should keep an eye on her!

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  27. I was watching an episode with the Duggers and the mom and dad went into a hemp/mary jane store. But being sheltered their whole lives, they didn't realize it.

    Jim Bob, looking at the glass pipes commented to the sales girl (who had dreads of course) "oh, this glass work is amazing". They ended up buying some hats and shirts for the kids I believe lol.

    Jon and Kate, I admit to watching a fair bit. Have you seen their new house? Shit, if I have kids, I'm going to whore them out too. See what I can get out of them.

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