Thursday, February 12, 2009

ON THE DESCENT OF MAN
AT THE ASSEND OF CIVILIZATION

My Word! by Lord Tennisanyone

As many of you are well aware, February 12th marks the birthdate of my dear friend Charlie Darwin.

Thank God that he is not alive today to see what has become of his theory. The Evolutionary forces of Nature which once selected traits that gave an advantage to intelligent creatures seems to have ground to a halt...atleast those concerning Homo Escapeons!


Our species is descending with such ferocity that I fear we may be approaching the assend of Mankind and Civilization. It would have broken poor Charlie's heart to witness the Assend Of Man.

For instance, in 1999 A&E Biography polled more than 360 journalists, scholars, and political leaders and asked them to vote for the One Hundred Most INFLUENTIAL men and women who had done the most to shape the modern world.

Obviously most, if not all, of those surveyed were American, many were apparently under the influence of a controlled substance, while others seem to possess an encyclopedic ignorance of how "Our World" came into being.

That being said, compare it to the Forbes 100 Most Influential Celebrities (2008) list compiled a mere ten years later. If you thought that the Biography list was misguided, misinformed and disheartening, then prepare to tear the clothes off of your back and sprinkle dirt on your head at the shameful state of what modern man worships most..the Celebrity.





Behold the hodgepodgery of the obvious and obtuse, as chosen by the oblivious.


BIOGRAPHY 1999 FORBES 2008
1 Johann Gutenberg...Oprah Winfrey
2 Isaac Newton...Tiger Woods
3 Martin Luther..Angelina Jolie
4 Charles Darwin..Beyonce Knowles
5 William Shakespeare...David Beckham


6 Christopher Columbus...Jonny Depp
7 Karl Marx...Jay Z
8 Albert Einstein...The Police
9 Nicolaus Copernicus...J.K.Rowling
10 Galileo...Brad Pitt



11 Leonardo Da Vinci..Will Smith
12 Sigmund Freud...Justin Timberlake
13 Louis Pasteur...Steven Spielberg
14 Thomas Edison...Cameron Diaz
15 Thomas Jefferson...David Latterman



16 Adolf Hitler...LeBron James
17 Mahatma Gandhi...Jennifer Aniston
18 John Locke...Michael Jordan
19 Michelangelo...Kobe Bryant
20 Adam Smith...Phil Mickerson


21 George Washington...Madonna
22 Genghis Khan...Simon Cowell
23 Abraham Lincoln...Roger Federer
24 Thomas Aquinas...Alex Rodriguez
25 James Watt...Jerry Seinfeld


26 Amadeus Mozart...50 Cent
27 Napoleon Bonaparte...Kanye West
28 Johann Sebastian Bach...Celine Dion
29 Henry Ford...Bruce Willis
30 Ludwig Van Beethoven...Dr Phil McGraw


31 Watson & Crick...Tom Cruise
32 Descartes...Jay Leno
33 Martin Luther King Jr....Sean Diddy Combs
34 Jean Jacques Rousseau...Stephen King
35 Vladimir Lenin...Miley Cyrus



36 Alexander Fleming...Kimi Raikkonen
37 Voltaire...Jeff Gordon
38 Francis Bacon....Ronaldinho
39 Dante Alighieri...Shaquille O'Neal
40 Wright Brothers...Judge Judy Sheindlin


41 Bill Gates...Howard Stern
42 Gregor Mendel....Tyler Perry
43 Mao Zedong...Fernando Alonso
44 Alexander Graham Bell...Leonardo Di Caprio
45 William the Conqueror...Donald Trump


46 Niccolo Machiavelli...George Lucas
47 Charles Babbage...Keira Knightley
48 Mary Wollstonecraft...Jerry Bruckheimer
49 Mikhail Gorbachev...Nicholas Cage
50 Margaret Sanger...The Spice Girls


51 Edward Jenner...Matt Damon
52 Winston Churchill..Dale Earnhart Jr
53 Marie Curie...Bon Jovi
54 Marco Polo...Jennifer Lopez
55 Ferdinand Magellan...Ben Stiller



56 Elizabeth Cady Stanton...Kevin Garnett
57 Elvis Presley...Nicole Kidman
58 Joan of Arc...James Patterson
59 Immanuel Kant...Rush Limbaugh
60 Franklin D. Roosevelt...Reese Witherspoon


61 Michael Faraday...Maria Sharapova
62 Walt Disney...Ryan Seacrest
63 Jane Austen...Gwen Stefani
64 Pablo Picasso...Daniel Radcliffe
65 Werner Heisenberg...Alicia Keyes


66 D.W. Griffith...Gisele Bundchen
67 Vladimir Zworykin...Gwynyth Paltrow
68 Benjamin Franklin...Tyra Banks
69 William Harvey...Serena Williams
70 Pope Gregory Vll...Eva Longoria


71 Harriet Tubman...Ellen DeGeneres
72 Simon Bolivar...Sarah Jessica Parker
73 Princess Diana...Katherine Heigl
74 Enrico Fermi...Regis Filbin
75 Gregory Pincus...Tom Clancy


76 The Beatles...Rachel Ray
77 Thomas Hobbes...Cate Blanchett
78 Queen Isabella...Heidi Klum
79 Joseph Stalin...Carrie Underwood
80 Elizabeth I...Jon Stewart


81 Nelson Mandela...Justine Henin
82 Niels Bohr...Judd Apatow
83 Peter the Great of Russia...Kate Moss
84 Guglielmo Marconi...Patrick Dempsey
85 Ronald Reagan...Charlie Sheen


86 James Joyce...Drew Carey
87 Rachel Carson...Steve Carell
88 J. Robert Oppenheimer...Lorena Ochoa
89 Susan B. Anthony...Jonas Brothers
90 Louis Daguerre...Howie Mandel



91 Steven Speielberg...Wolfgang Puck
92 Florence Nightingale...Zac Effron
93 Eleanor Roosevelt...Annika Sorenstam
94 Patient Zero...Ashley Tisdale
95 Charlie Chaplin...Gordon Ramsay


96 Enrico Caruso...Jennifer Love Hewitt
97 Jonas Salk...Lauren Conrad
98 Louis Armstrong ...Vanessa Williams
99 Vasco Da Gama...Tina Fey
100 Suleiman I...Paula Dean

Aside from the obvious asshattery of trying to compile such a list, the sad truth is that most modern Homo Escapeons will prolly recognise more blue names than on the first list....which seemed woefully inadequate but now in comparison appears to have been compiled at a Mensa meeting!
I must confess that I'm an old codger and getting a little grumpier every week, but thank goodness poor Charlie isn't here to see this.
Name one person missing from either list...

30 comments:

  1. You dumb male!

    You left me out!

    #$^**&^%@&(*(

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm disturbed to see sean connerey missing from the celeb list.

    and regardless of what one believes or doesn't believe I think everyone can agree that Jesus of Nazareth was rather influential

    ReplyDelete
  3. just one?


    xoxoxo happy friday the 13th, sugar

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think Pavlov is missing from the left (anyone who played with psychic secretion is fun in my book) and am sad, not one doctor teacher or inventor was on the right. (Dr.Phil so totally doesn't count..lol) At least Tom Clancy was in there...

    ReplyDelete
  5. i love your missing teeth.
    and i get distracted easily.

    ReplyDelete
  6. you

    XX

    (altho I'm easily swayed by the thought of a youngish Sean Connery)(actually, even the real age one)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lassie? Lassie wasn't on either list. It's a disgrace.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I dunno...history has determined that Jesus, Siddhartha Gautama, and Mohammed really existed, although probably not in their mythic glory. I would say they've kinda influenced this planet a tad.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You should hold a dinner party for all the names on your list.

    The name on the left must be seated next to the name on the right.

    e.g. Amadeus Mozart and 50 Cent.

    Let's get this party started!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You slipped Celine Dion in there to comply with the Canadian content law, didn't you?


    Oh, Hai MJ!

    ReplyDelete
  11. oooo, ooooo... what about Tesla????

    ReplyDelete
  12. Actually, I hardly knew any of the Top 100 in blue. I must live under a rock, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know the persons on both sides,so what does that make me?
    Uh?confused...

    Lol,MJ,I imagine the party..
    :D

    ReplyDelete
  14. Opie.

    Opie is missing from BOTH LISTS.

    for SHAME.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You forgot Bobo the Chimp. He was the chimp that got shot up into space. That's important, yanno.

    ReplyDelete
  16. There's no one missing. They're hiding!

    ReplyDelete
  17. You make a very interesting point... but you really need to learn to code tables in HTML :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Not being American I didn't recognise many blue ones, but maybe you 'Celebrity' magazine readers might not know who the great British hero Bruce Forsyth is.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Does it really matter?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh god that gave me a giggle. Influential? Much as I love Bon Jovi, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt, i could never describe them as, erm, influential. Gawd. and Kimi Raikkonen? The man can't even speak...?

    Clearly Roland Rat is missing, from both lists.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jeffery "The Dude" Lebowski is missing but that is coming from one of Lebowski's Urban Achievers. I am.. I really am... see my tshirt? (And proud we are of all of them.)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I got 86 blue and 74 black, oh the shame.
    What about creepy Ben with the bug eyes?
    If someone can say Jesus of Nazareth then I can say Peter Pan or that bloke who did the movie voice overs, he made me want to see films or who ever thought of putting items beside cash registers.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jessica Biel's arse!

    ReplyDelete
  24. They forgot Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, Milton Berle and Queen Margrethe I of Denmark who had Sweden and Norway under Danish rule and founded the Kalmar Union

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm too depressed to name any names ... what a lameass pile of shit. Argh. JP/deb

    ReplyDelete
  26. oh crap... i didn't know there was going to be a test!!!

    erm... um... princess diana? ooh, no- she is on the old list. erm... um... ooh wait- its weird al jankovich!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. i see Donn coppens is missing :)

    how art thou my brother.

    ReplyDelete
  28. reysputin11:52 AM

    doesn't anyone take you seriously anymore?

    how about Naom Chomsky, Dennis Kucinich or Wayne Gretzky? i must confess that i stopped reading and started skimming the list when i saw Lebron James ahead of Micheal Jordan. that being said, my basketball shoes say "KING" (left) and "JAMES" (right) on the heels. didn't notice that til after i got them home.

    one question though. aren't you kind of comparing apples and elephants with these two lists?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Bin Laden?

    I love the idea of Genghis Khan and Simon Cowell being paired up.

    ReplyDelete

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