You may be wondering what I have been up to over the past week. Well long story short I have decided to take drastic measures to meet a certain actress with whom I have been dying to meet for quite some time now.
As many of you know I have a little bit of a crush on Monica Bellucci...I wouldn't quite call it an obssession like her f*cking Lawyers and their la-di-f*cking-da restraining orders!
Anyway, since she only knows me as a creepy stalker thanks to her f*cking Lawyers! I had to figure out a way to get her to go out with me.
While attending a formal function in Hollywood last week I was walking past George Whatzhizface and I thought to myself..Hey Monica would prolly go out with George Whatzhizface?
So without the slightest hesitation I got up close and slipped some of the Rohibnal that I stole from my Dentist's office into his Root Beer & Southern Comfort..
within minutes he started staggering and I pretended to help him out to his car..
so then I borrowed his wallet..
he had a lot of money on him..
and drove over to his house..
he has a really nice house...
watched all his movies to try to get the voice just right...
pfft..gave up on that.
So instead I dyed my hair nice and silvery, bought some 4 inch lifts for my shoes, and then I had a plastic surgeon come up to the house to do a little work on the eyes.
The eyes always give it away don't they?
So once I felt ready I called Monica up and asked her to be my date at a winter wedding that was being held out in the countryside near the town where I spent my childhood.
Needless to say we had a fantastic time and Mon said that she "would die if she couldn't see me again!"
I said that I'd check my schedule and get back to her.