Monday, December 08, 2008

Dateline CANADUH!

Last week, in what can only be described as the single worst day in Canadian History..atleast since Newfoundland joined Confederation in 1948, the House Of Parlamentations was dissolved and the Province of Québec has separated from Canada..


after being chipped out of the Canadian Shield under the cover of darkness, it was quickly and quietly towed away by a tugboat registered to the sinister Territorial Collectivity of Saint_Pierre_and_Miquelon.
The bill for the entire relocation was remitted to the Minister of Finance in Ottawa.

The Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon is a group of small islands in the North Atlantic Ocean situated a mere 16 miles, that's 25 kanadian kilometres, from Newfoundland.

Most North Americans are blissfully unaware that the Islands of St. Pee & Micky are part of France and the European Union?!

As you can see from these photos, Canadian Citizens were stunned by the bizarre chain of events that led to the breakup of the Nation.

Many were glued to their televisions last week when Prime Minister for Life, Stephen Harper, elected to a Visible Minority Government only weeks earlier, was forced to beg Governor General Michaëlle Jean to Prorogue the House Of Commoners.

Poroguing is an unusual and highly suspect manoeuver which is only done in the event of an emergency when the rogues' gallery threaten to overtake the Ruling Class.

Since Canada is still technically a Penal, Fur & Forest Colony of England, Governor General Michaëlle Jean rules supreme as Queen Elizabeth's stunt double...
although if you ask me they don't look anything alike?

Personally I think that Miss Yvonne would be a better match but what do I know?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our stunning GG (zjee-zjee) the correct pronounciation of Michaëlle Jean, is MIKHAIL, as in Gorbachev, and ZJHUH, as if spoken in Mandarin.

Madame Jean, pronounced jeen in merkin, is believed by many in the know to be the love child of Billy Jean.

Billy Jean gained notoriety back in the 80's when she unsuccessfully attempted to get child support from Michaëlle's father,

Michael Jackson, who vociferously declared that Billy Jean was not my lover.

Mr Jackson empahtically denied that he was the one.

Now back to the sordid, political fiasco.

The entire mess was iniated when the leader of the Official Opposition, Stéphane Dion, formed a ragtrag coalition with other members that Canadians didn't want in power such as the downtrodden Trotskyites in the Few Democratic Party...which is depressing but not illegal.

However, what upset Canadians the most was the fact that Dion made a deal with the leader of the separatist party, shown here giving les thumbs up.

The traitorous Bloc Québécois has never made a secret of their intentions to leave Canada and join St. Pee & Micky.

Stéphane Dion is as you all well know, the "uzban" of Superstar Céline Dion.

, apparently she wants to have one name like Cher, is said to have worked tirelessly behind the scenes to have Quebec annexed by les Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon.

Pour Q'what?

So that her son, Prince Louis 19th, pictured here with his family at a recent rally, could assume his rightful place as KING OF DA WORL bebe.

Apparently she wanted Louis 19th to be King of France but when they held a referendum and voted pffft, she decided that St.Pee & Micky were a "'ell ov a lot clozer" to Vegas, where she will be performing under contract until 2067.
So "dis, is as good as it get."

Canadians are still in shock and rightly so, and even though all thirteen of our world reknown Mounties have been sent to protect the new shoreline...

the threat of oil-rich, screech-fueled, Newfies overfishing the newfoundwaters of what was once Hudson Bay now seems inevitable.

Any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated?!


  1. OK this is what I think of all that has gone down in the last week.

    I don't have a problem with opposition parties forming a coalition to take control of parliament. The parties have every right to do so, and the ruling gov't has every right to join up with another party to ensure they stay in power.

    Harper got stupid, and pissed off the other parties. He should have seen this coming (but he's from Calgary so what do we expect?). He made this mess himself and the fact that he had to suspend parliament to keep his own job is what's "un-democratic" here. NOT the formation of a coalition.

    Having said that, as much as I love to see Harper fall from power due to his own stupidity, I'm not excited to see Layton with all this power. I don't like that man. I don't like his mustache. He's going to bail out the auto workers which is just plain stupid until we see if the US will bail them out too.

    Why give the auto workers in Canada money if the Papa Bear companies down south are going to be out of business in the next year or so?

    I really don't care as much about the Separatists in the coalition. They're not going to separate either way.

    If any good has come out of this, it's that the Liberals will be replacing Dion. He's a decent enough guy, but he just wouldn't ever have support of the people.

    I'm done ranting. Back to studying now.

  2. I would just like to know why Parliament has been pierogied.

    It's not even our national dish!

  3. *trys to think of poem using the phrase ...

    Jack and Gilles
    Went up Parliament Hill*

  4. Now I know why Canadians are so happy about their government........not having the slightest clue as to how the damn thing actually WORKS, they ASSUME it's a pretty good government, if only because it's not anything like OURS, where a complete lobotomized idiot can actually be elected, totally ruin the nation, and walk away as though nothing really bad happened.

  5. At least you guys still have money and jobs. We don't have those anymore. And our new government is called the "State of Panic." Maybe that one will last...

  6. I know very little about Canadian politics, but any attack on a Conservative governement sounds OK by me.

    Glad you recognize the colony status. We used to have an Empire, y'know.

  7. No matter how things go up there, it'll never be as shitty as it is down here in the great states.

    Politics blow in any language.

    Am I not the well spoken smarty pants today?

  8. Sorry for all the political upheaval, and sorry no, I don't have any good advice. But hey, who knew politics could be so funny? Well, as told by you it is, leastways. Had me cracking up, you did. Sorry if that's the wrong response -- but I'm still giggling nonetheless!

  9. oh that was both
    i especially liked the careful explanations for pronunciation, so that when i am re-telling this at my weekly meeting for Ladies Who Like To Sit And Eat Scones And Drink Tea (or LWLTSAESADT, as it says on our badges), i shall appear extremely well travelled and knowledgeable.

    thank you.

  10. I have no idea what this was about but i read it. now give me a nickle or i'll hurt the kitten.

  11.! it works!

    *still waiting for nickle*

  12. Donn, your oversimplifications are anything but! And I love reading how you see things and word them, in your very special way.

    I's learnin' stuff from all this readin'. Plus I's gettin' laffs too!

    What more could a girl ask for?

  13. Like I said at MJ's...Anne Murray for Prime Minister!

    Will these developments have a negative impact on the cheap Canadian Vicodin advertised in emails?

    Her Excellency Jean is beautiful indeed! I seriously doubt Michael Jackson was her daddy. He doesn't allow women in his bed!

  14. Kill everything French even the fries and let Gog sort out his own.

  15. We'll swap Liz for your Michaëlle any day.
    Thanks for puuting us in the picture - it's even better than Sarkozy and his new nude singing wife.

  16. The french can go - the fries - they stay.

    Why pick on the moustachioed Trotskyesque Mr Layton and his used-country salesman approach to solving money by throwing money at it.

    And those poor auto workers who go to work in their pajamas and make $65/hour manipulating million dollar robotic gadgets to do their job..really Sir, try to show a little compassion for these poor people.

    M ZJAY
    The whole sordid mess could have been avoided if everyone else had voted Rhino as I did.
    Our Banana Republic is now a total embarrassment to those of us in the upper echelons of Society..and I shan't have the foggiest notion of how to excuse this pedestrian behaviour to my wonderful friends in Monte Carlo?

    Since we are a vastly superior civilization we have taken the liberty of installing several institutions for the purpose of embarrassing our American cousins.

    Canada maintains a multi layered system of Government that simultaneously incorporates the least effective portions of a Monarchy and further complicate matters we threw in Bilingualism just to make us look very European

    so nyeh!

    Our entire economic system is based on copying the American business model..except that we care about the Health of our neighbours.

    We will only have money and jobs as long as we can imitate your so-called American Ingenuity and make upscale versions of your inventions with government subsidies and exhorbitant union fees anchored to excessive benefit programs.

    Just pay more taxes and you could live as well as we do.

    Aside from the 3% of the population which benefits from protecting the interests of the wealthy, who actually likes Conservatism...oh yeah except for all those in favour of a societal return of Law and Order.
    Those adherents would love to see a return of the Guillotine or atleast a Sharia type punitive system whereby Jaywalkers are beheaded.

    W're only one generation away from the total extinction of the Conservative Party in Canada.

    Unfortunately America is in the terlet. Poor Obama gets to clean up Dubya's disastrous tenure. You people should impeach his sorry ass before he skips off to Texas and retires.

    I still can't believe that Merkins voted him in..TWICE! For the rest of us on the planet that didn't exactly instill confidence in your reasoning. He was the worst President EVER!

    Thank You it was supposed to be funny! Politics is so weird I mean you have to pretend to be serious about who governs even though you know that they will spend the rest of their term trying to stay in office to siphon as much as they can out of the lobbyists. UGH!

    I think that Obama will be able to retain his idealism for atleast one term and it doesn't really long as he can convey the illusion of hope it will trickle down. Watching US politics is like watching a Soap Opera..which is a fantasyland that demonstrates what the world would be like, if every decision that a person made, is the worst possible choice?

    Our HOT Guv has a delightfully fancy schmancy name that is perfectly suited to impersonating the Queen here in the Colonies.

    Imagine maintaing these expensive remanants of a Divine Birthright?
    And her uzban is a Philosopher who must be so conflicted about living in that taxpayer funded luxury according to concepts developed in the Paleolithic Era?

    A Monarchy in the 21st f*cking Century?! Seriously? How does one go about explaining that to the Alien Insect Overlords who will soon take over the planet?

    Your idle threats don't fool would never hurt a Kitten!

    I'm not sure why you didn't understand this I tried to lay it out in the simplest of terms..
    well actually nobody here really understands it because they don't want us to know what they are doing.

    I mean if the taxpayers actually discovered how little they are getting for their dollar we'd storm the Bastille and start an autonomous collective based on the equitable distribution of goods and srvices...
    until someone came along and said that GOD had told them that they were supposed to be our leader..
    then we'd all go WOAH Really?

    There may be a few sublimianl messages scattered throughout but for the most part that is just basic old fashioned straight reporting.

    The real challenge of Cyber-Journalism is to distort the truth, just enough so that the employees at Microsoft who monitor every click of your mouse, will not be able to figure out which Advertisers to unleash on your computer.
    Now they know, that I know, that they're monitoring me.

    You forget that the gloved one has on occasion embedded his bits into a cervical device of some sort...twice!
    Plus in his misguided youth he somehow managed to ravage the offspring of Elvis! How cool is that?

    Cheap Vicodin is a birthright of all Earthlings and not merely a privelege of the wealthy.
    Anne Murray would make a lovely Prime Minister.

    Now now. Let us not pick on the French. Always the bridesmaid they have good reason to be pissed off.
    What other species could have educated us on the fashionable way to elevate self absorption and negative attention to an Art form?

    One must always always always use the language of love if your intentions are to elevate a simple personal disagreement to the brink of Nuclear annihilation!

    Try to imagine doing that in German? OK bad example.

    Regardless, Anglysche merrily absconded over 20,000 words from the French without so much as a Thank You or a by-your-leave!
    Let sleeping dogs lay.

    Oddly enough the separatits were soundly trounced in the Kebec elections yesterday. Finally cooler heads have prevailed and the old chain-smoking twats are dying off..
    the younger generation understands that you can't kill the golden goose and how on Earth would Kebec receive their outrageous overcompensation for simply staying if they left the Confederation?

    Our old methods of pouring gas on the separatist fire may soon be at an end. Now that all the economic power is being rightfully transferred to the West perhaps this bizarre little country may finally have a chance.

    Spoken like a true patriot. You of course realise that the only deterrent that Canada has against the inevitable annexation of the USA is Quebec. The AMericans would dearly love to have all of our natural resources to waste on building cities in the middle of the f*cking desert however thay simply don't have the stomach for dealing with people who don't even speak inglash for crissake!

    We need Quebec a lot more than they need us...besides only a third of them want to join St Pee & Micky and the average age of that group is about quatre-vingt-quatre.


  20. Oh... I can't speak Manderin...

  21. I forgot what my comment was going to be once I started fantasizing about having a foursome with those hot twins and Don Rickles...

  22. But the great thing is, people in this country actually care about politics! Too bad most of them have been out of the game so long, they have no damn idea what they're talking about. But still, they're trying!

  23. What is French for "aloha"?

    Just read the snippage news- happy late B-day!

  24. Come now, Mr. Coppens, you really didn't need to go and do all of this just to get my attention did you?

    Honestly, I saw this on the Daily Show and thought "Okay, fine, I give in." And so here I am. Satisfied?

    Can't look after the place for a few months without me... grumble grumble...

    Seriously though, I have been living under a rock since July due to lack of Internet and Televisual news. Anything else I should know about? Anything gone boom? Anything gone bust? Any more iconic film stars popped their clogs before having the honour of meeting me?

  25. ok so make it canuck fries then ;-)


  26. Never trust a people who fuck with their mouths and fight with their feet.

  27. I must admit that I thought these islands were somewhere a bit more exotic that the North Atlantic...
    The CIA weather report says: Cold and wet, with much mist and fog; spring and autumn are windy..."
    What? No palm trees, sandy beaches?

  28. Elisabeth, the fries stay? What about the kissing? Mmmmmmm, nothing quite like French kissing... o_0

    There you go, everybody in parliament should start French kissing, and everything would be alright. Wait, I meant everyting. Godda get my French accent in dere. :D

  29. I have come to give you a hug as requested and not to comment, which is just as well because I have no idea what your post was about. I can't even understand the comments but I note that Malc said we had an Empire once - I think he was refereeing at the weekend tho and has been lynched.

  30. Do you live in Canada? I have a sofa if you need to flee...

  31. I can't make head nor tail of that. But you get my vote xxx

    Don't speak Manderin eh?
    You will.

    Rickles I get, funny guys are hot, but those twins, they are an acquired taste...
    acquired after tasting an entire bottle of Tequila!

    You're it! You need to be bilingual to be Prime Minister..
    actually, since you can speak both Strine and English you're good to go.

    Are you by any chance receiving any monies from any political party for saying such nice things about Canadians? Are you thinking of running?

    We only had about 60?% of the eligible voters out for the last election and the Conservatives were elected by 22% of Canandians..our system needs an enema!

    Doesn't Aloha mean Love, Goodbye, Hello & This seat is taken?
    The French Language has to make do with 35,000 words compared to Anglysche which has 640,000 words which it stole from the others.

    So it should not be surprising that there is a single French word for nearly 3700 words...
    Love, Goodbye, Hello & this seat is taken are all vous embrasser mon âne.

    What splendid serendipity!
    I have missed your edgy wit and untethered angst!

    Now I know that I've been sort of stalking you over on the other thingamabob and I have complied with the last injunction that your legal team sent me, but don't think that you can get away with that tomfoolery out here.

    I have missed you and I will be happy to slather more sycophantic fawning your way at your place...

    I just get a little nervous doing it here in front of the Teamsters

    OMGOMGOMG then Keshi returns too!!

    It's like a hole in the space/time continuum. Are you back or just sneaking around? I had better have a lash. I thought that you were on a walkabout?

    Wiser words were never spoken. Zoot alor, I have always wondered why an entire country would adopt Negative Attention as the platform from which to operate their International Diplomatic Relations?

    So nice to welcome such a delightful gentleman how have you been Sir?

    You are more than welcome to move to St Pee and become le Roi..they could use a boost in Tourism I hear the food is dreadful and the Tea tepid? It's all yours, and btw you'll need about 3 other guys to successfully invade.

    Why Jewels you saucy minx I had not even considered what Canada will be like without French Kissing?
    That's considered foreplay right? So if that's gone then all that Canadian Men will be left with in their repetoire will be American Foreplay;
    *nudge You Awake?
    and British Foreplay;
    I say Darling, I'm dreadfully sorry Darling but I seem to have embedded my John Thomas in your swimsuit area would you mind moving a little to the left..yes that's much better Thank You Darling. Goodnight!

    Oh thankyou thankyou thankyou I need a hug!
    It is a wonderment that GB was the Empire du Jour in 1900 and nobody ever suspected that those upstart Colonists would replace them..except for the upstart Yanks.

    Now say refereeing 5 times really fast!

  34. MUTLEY
    Yes I am Can-EH-dian and you have no idea how pissed off I am that I had to get a f*cking passport because of all the paranoid sh*t that Dubya and his f*cking Terrorist Alert system has made everyone crazy.

    Our border guards didn't even have guns and used to wave at us as we drove into the US..the world's longest undefended that's done. F*CK! I was actually at a gun range this weekend watching border guards being trained to use firearms!

    This nonsense along with the nasty business of invading foreign countries is happening because the C.I.F*CKINGA. can't seem to get a few wetboys to whack a dozen terrorist leaders like they used to in the good ole days. F*CK!

    Oh p' that how you spell that? I 'll change it to Oh Piffle!

    You are far better qualified to make some sort of sense out of all those archaic laws and Parliamentary's all far too byzantine and kafkaesque for my liking. If you ask me we should get rid of the whole lot and start over..right from scratch..
    small clans of hunter-gatherers.

  35. Brilliantly said, but did I hear right?! -'W're only one generation away from the total extinction of the Conservative Party in Canada."? You live too far in the 'intellectual' east to see the spreading infection of Conservatism that is happening in the west.

    Everyday I'm confronted by the rapturous love for Stephen Harper and how he will bring back proper family values back to Canada, because God wants it so. And there is no help from the mythical pot smoking, liberal dudes we're known for on the west coast because they're too busy on the snowboarding hills of Whistler or living in tree houses on the beach. The whole matter makes me want to put on my shorty pants and patterned sweater vest and move to Newfoundland. (uh - maybe Halifax)

  36. ELLEN
    YIKES! You're scaring me.
    I am not concerned about a National swing to the Right as all the demographers predict...historical precedent has proven that as people age they become reclusive xenophobics, and leery of any sudden movements to the Political Centre so they almost always vote Conservative.

    Alberta will separate long before Quebec because they can afford to. First Albertans will refuse to form a super Province consisting of Manitoba, Sasquatchewin and BC. Next they will join Texas and leave Confederation which will mercifully rid us of those ghastly insidious REFORMers once and for all...and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

    Or not.

  37. Well camon then. Where you been, DC? Don't come out only to go right back into retirement! I didn't scare you off that badly, did I? (^_^) Miss you - hope you're OK.

  38. Well camon then. Where you been, DC? Don't come out only to go right back into retirement! I didn't scare you off that badly, did I? (^_^) Miss you - hope you're OK.

  39. refereeing refereeing refereeing refereeing refereeing


    now what happens??

  40. But will the St Pete and Micks be putting brie in my poutine? Because that? Is unacceptable.


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