As many married Gentlemen are all too painfully aware there are mandatory dates upon which conjugal unpleasantness is guaranteed. Valentines Day, your Wedding Anniversary, and of course, one's Birthday...goes without saying really.
December 6th is the day upon which I advance another year however due to my recent testicular evisceration the act of frightfulness will be postponed.As a rule, Gentlemen generally look forward to some constitutionally sanctioned thrashing and fumbling about as it reminds them that they are not dead.
In order to alleviate the disapointment I shall be spending the entire day at the RCMP Headquarters attending a seminar as the representative for my Neighbourhood Protection Group...
although having written the word seminar has not helped since it is only a single letter away from relating to, or consisting of seed or semen and containing or contributing the seeds of later development.
Damnit anyway.
although having written the word seminar has not helped since it is only a single letter away from relating to, or consisting of seed or semen and containing or contributing the seeds of later development.
Damnit anyway.
Nevertheless I shall endeavour to submerge D'OH myself in the program and focus on the matters at hand.
In the meantime I have a procured an informative short film on Conjugal Rights. Have a pleasant weekend.
A stiff stimulating comment eh? Well the words Golden and Retriever usually have me begging for mercy... and I'm not fond of the train arriving at Colchester either... Paddington has my approval though... the more Paddington the better...
ReplyDeleteSx
Look, I know that I am not a native, so please bear with me. Are you suggesting that normally, on the anniversary of your birth, you would be indulging in carnal relations with the RCMP? All of them? (new slant on the word "Mountie" there). And the horses?
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that this procedure is well overdue.
Tomorrow night, after I ravage your wife, I shall be happy to assume my role as the in-bed narrator in your own You-Tube film upon the occasion of your birthday.
ReplyDeleteYou are now, after all, a seedless raisin, all shrivelled up and hurting.
Somewhere Monica Bellucci is sobbing as she plans a life without you as the father of her children.
ReplyDeleteWhen do I get a piece of cake?
ReplyDeleteHave a sinful Birthday....
*grin*
SCARLET BLUE
ReplyDeleteFrankly Scarlet I nearly split my stitches when I heard has the train arrived at Paddington HAHAHA!
Golden Reteivers begging for mercy HAHAHA! Oh what a delightful creature you are and such a dear for dropping by.
VICUS
HAHAHA!
My Word Mr Scurra where on earth did you suppose the term Mounties came from...
and why pray tell do you suppose their slogan boasts that they always get their man!
The disappearance of my manhood might seem overdue but here in the Colonies the average male, due to his slow metabolism, is only outlived by the box tortoise, and plodding along for 187 years is not unheard of in these parts.
WINKY
This sort of brazen tomfoolery is uncalled for as my good-lady-wife is already suffering enough having to cope with the object of her desire being out of commision.
You scoundrel! I shall keep a vigilant watchfulness on you and your lotharian rakish proclivities this evening.
MJ
I pity poor Ms Bellucci.
I have given her every opportunity to enjoy the benefits of my of pleasuring abilities.
Sadly, in lieu of being insanely happy and boarding the train in Paddington morning, noon, and night, she chose her career.
Pity.
GAUTAMI
How delightful it is to be visited by my oldest blogmate on this historic occasion!
To tell you the truth I'm not much of a cake-eater..more of a pie guy.
Speaking of which, with any luck my dear Mama will deliver my absolute favorite, Flapper Pie, which she will have lovingly prepared with her own two hands.
I can assure you that there will not be a single crumb left by midnight.
Donn! You have been gelded on your birthday...
ReplyDeleteStrewth.
When we get the horses gelded here, the vet, Miss Maudsley, throws the testicles to the couple of big doberman dogs that accompany her everywhere...
My husband made some lame excuse and roared off in the ute last time...
Hope you are okay mate.
Pam
You don't want to see Paddington bare.
ReplyDeletehappy birthday big guy.
ReplyDeleteas always, may a thousand moose's, a million snowflakes and memories of happy years bless you in this journey towards the grand future.
hugs!
What about a waxed Paddington, Geoff?
ReplyDeleteSx
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteYou said : "matters at hand"
You and I make quite the pair these days I'd say.
Oof, the Harry Enfield video put me in mind of the Love Without Fear book my parents owned ... "a virgin bride needs to be TAKEN by her husband on their wedding night". Gawd help us all.
ReplyDeleteHave a happy birthday - or what remains of it. It's probably already December 7th in your part of the world :(
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteHope you got a faceful of warm, delicious pie!
The video is unclear: Is the train allowed to stop in Colchester? Perhaps a special holiday schedule? And can the train make a stop north of Paddington?
Happy Birthday, Donn! You should have scheduled your snips for after your birthday..... silly man.
ReplyDeleteYou bastard I got watching Harry Enfield and now I've forgotten what yer post was about, vas the difference anyway?
ReplyDeletehappy belated birthday!
ReplyDeleteDonn, i do so hope that you had a lovely day, filled with gifts of new, loose-fitting undergarments, and that you are able to undertake your conjugal obligations in the very near future.
i must dash now, i'm not feeling well. i think it was that description of Sienna's vet, Miss Maudsley and her giant, testicle-eating dobermans.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Good luck with your wiiiife, happy birthday to you!
ReplyDeleteYou may not get any this weekend, but you're earning interest on the sex you're owed, so once you're all healed up, you should, in theory, get MORE than usual.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI thought married people coupled every wednesday
I'm only now catching up with ya Donn and ... well ... I am truly sorry, but in truth I just can't stop laughing. Your boys, my girls ... all gone on to heaven only knows where! Ya think they're hooking up together? Should we tell our respective partners? Does it count as adultery? How could it ... but still in all .... Mwahahahahahahahaaa!
ReplyDeleteSorry. No, really, I truly am. But I'm also glad it went without incident. Soooo.... how are those peas anyway? (^_^)
Happy F*cking Birthday!!! (belated) OOOPS!
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm late. Happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteSadly, I haven't had conjugal rights since I got married. How jacked up is that?
ReplyDeletehappy belated birthday HE!
ReplyDeletei came late sorry. i am so bookmarking this vid, hahaa.
so, that's how you got your little ones eh? *giggles* OUCH!!
SIENNA
ReplyDeleteI don't blame your hubby for leaving the scene of the crime. Terrible sight for a sober man.
As for the testicular tasting Dobermans..I remember my farm cousins telling me how the snipped piglet bits were fed to their Mom?! That has all the makings of a Shakespearean tragedy.
GEOFF
Ooh I have no qualms about monscaping...one certainly doesn't need all that scrub now that we're no longer mucking about on the African Savannah.
GHOSTY
You certainly have a thing for Mooseseses..I wonder where the nearest imprisoned Moose is currently being detained in your part of the world? You need to see how BIG they really are.
SCARLET
You and I are on the same page although the thought of a painful Brazilian is a little too close to home these days..
now THAT, must ooch.
ANNDI
A+ You seem to have been the only one who picked up on that Thank You Very Much.
Now I shall bow to my proper social instinctiveness..for a change...
because I dare not write what I am thinking.
BETTY
ReplyDeleteTAKEN indeed. The British version of the act of frightfulness is by far the most entertaining in the world. The legacy of Victorian Prudism has long outlived the Queen..even if she was shagging Mr Brown like a rabid minx.
EROSWINGS
I should think that by the very nature of your moniker you should be far more informed on such matters than a layman such as myself.
I suspect that the train should be allowed to make a few stops along the way provided that it is OK with the conductor?
PONITA
Yes timing is everything isn't it? Well what are ya gonna do? I grabbed the first opening so that I would get it over with and forget the notion that Ms Bellucci will show up at my door demanding an immediate impregnation.
OLD KNUDSEN
I don't blame you the sketch is of the highest entertainment values.
The vas deference itself became self evident at my seminar whereupon I found myself surrounded by octogenarians. When we went on our tour of the Police HQ we were all waddling about at the same speed so they didn't have to loathe my youthfulness.
Funny how Life works?
PROJECTIVIST
I am so delighted that we have met and your concern for my netherlands is duly noted.
I found the very imagery surrounding testicular tasting Dobermans to be most distressing...they stand eye to thigh so to speak and I shall never get used to that nasal inspection that they insist upon...you know that bump in the bits thing that they like to do?
STACE
It was very kind of you to consider her suffering during my down-time. Very few of the others realised that she will be the one suffering the most. Poor thing.
Let us hope and pray that I will be able return her to her regular state of contentedness on schedule and end her misery.
ANHYDROXYBLOGGER
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend you will learn soon enough that when it comes to Ladies and matters of the heart, that there is no such thing as accrued interest...
as of course there is for Gentlemen who steadfastly maintain a crude interest in the act of beastliness 24/7 365.
CYBERPETE
Forget all of that once-a-week nonsense that you see on American Sitcoms. Next time you see the TV husband complaining about the amount of mr wiggly time that he is getting take a moment to look at his bulging stomach and hideous face?
That Lowest Common Denominator crap is hogwash. Truth be told married couples have continuous chandelier swinging sexlives that would make single people blush.
There I said it.
ETERNALLY CURIOUS
Thank heavens you have returned how I've missed your enthusiasm.
I never realised how Green my vivasectomizing was but now my swimmers are being recycled into cells that can be used by my Brain or Spleen.
Never again shall I cast a look of disdain or contempt upon the lowly bag of Frozen Peas. As far as I am concerned they are right up there with Penicillin and Viagra.
RANDOM CHICK
Why you cheeky little rascal. I will be back in the saddle within a matter of hours and this whole sordid business will be little more than a bad memory.
DYK that I have been topside for over half a Century?! How can that be?
ANNA
Kindly rephrase your apology as recently neutered Gentlemen tend to convulse when confronted with the phrase sorry I'm late.
CATSCRATCH
Now I am tempted to jump in where Angels fear to tread and discuss the implications of your confession which can only have two interpretations;
A not gettin' any or
B not getting to decide WHEN WHERE HOW or WHAT you're getting
Far be it for me to estimate which of these is the correct assumption but I should think that it is time that you demanded that your rights be acknowledged and as in the case of Nuclear War, mutual assured satisfaction is achieved.
MISTI
Is that the funniest thing ever?
Yes that is exactly how the act of frightfulness is performed and I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.
Close your eyes, spread your legs and think of England!
ill have to come there to c it bro :)
ReplyDeletei mst stop this moose thing.
lets substitute it with Aurora. have u seen any lately? I heard theyre moving farther south these days.