WELL TWO ACTUALLY
I made it!
Oh sure I was nervous in the waiting room but it was all over in a flash..a few flashes..and much to my relief, my manhood remained intact.
The surgeon's laser wielding hand was steady and my worst case scenario of him sneezing and accidentally slicing my scrotum off like a Jedi light sabre never happened.
I had prepared myself for a terrible accident and decided that if I became a eunich, that I could always find work singing falsetto with the Vienna Boys Choir or the Nylons...
and of course only geldings are allowed to guard harems. HEllO?
My good-lady-wife has made it quite clear that men are wussies and that we don't know the meaning of PAIN, so I shall forgo any useless pleading for sympathy.
Actually, aside from 5? unnerving plumes of smoke rising from my swimsuit area, it was relatively uneventful.
Which is comforting when you consider the fact that all male Earthlings spend every day of their lives trying to avoid having their bag perforated by a sharp object!
The Doctor did mention that my boys put up a brave fight and valiantly tried to hide from him. I wanted to hide too, especially when the receptionist walked in to drop something off. Not only is she presented with the sight of my freshly shaved manbag, but my terrified and totally turtled willy has been unceremoniously strapped to my shirt...
find a happy place.
Naturally the local News media caught wind of the story and I had to dodge the scrum outside the doctor's office by sneaking out the back door.
UGH!
Once home I devoured handfuls of happy pills and reclined on the sofa with my bag of frozen peas. ((Aaaaaaah))
I will be following Doctor's orders and taking it easy for a few days..fortunately there is a Parliamentary Coup taking place so I'll have plenty to blog about.
Thanks to one and all for your comforting words as well as the good natured and well intentioned admonishments.
Now let us never speak of this unpleasantness again..
I would have preferred to see you on TV tonight instead of Harpoon and Stéphane Dion.
ReplyDeleteDid you notice the books on Dion's bookshelf?
One was entitled "Hot Air"!
Where the hell is the RHINO Party when ya need 'em eh?
ReplyDeleteWell, so much for all the gory details.... :(
ReplyDeleteBut I am glad you survived the ordeal. Just make sure you continue to use protection until all your future samples come back negative!
Friends of mine in Ontario (this was years ago) had three daughters and didn't want any more kids so he got fixed. Never did go for the follow up samples and about 5months later, she was pregnant! Turns out he had three (yes, 3!) vas deferens and they missed one.... so now they have four daughters.
PONITA
ReplyDeleteShut-UP?!
Having one extra tube can certainly make a vas deferens!
*snort
Is he in the Guiness Book Of Records?
Glad it worked out safely. Here's to a speedy, well rested recovery.
ReplyDeleteI believe there's a vacancy in The Bee Gees since Maurice passed away.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if he is in the Book of World Records, but he has his own back-up singers now.
ReplyDeleteAh! The Bee Gees - good thinking, Kaz! He can surely sing falsetto nicely now.....
when do the stitches come out? I believe that's quite traumatic.
ReplyDelete:)
xx
and hes back! wohooo!
ReplyDeletedont ya worry buddy...some less organs doesnt make u a lesser winnipegian. yes i said this.
hugs.
No, nothing to add. A very inconsequential series of events in my view.
ReplyDeleteI heard that after having the snip you feel as though a horse is kicking you in the balls for a fortnight afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to say this before you had the op. though. I'm not completely insensitive.
So Donn, is you now up for adoption, and do we have to pay for the neuter as part of the fee?
ReplyDeleteYour discription of the smell of burning flesh really brought back memories........only I never used frozen peas......but I do have a couple of steel clips down in there somewhere.
I take it your better half laughed when you suggested that SHE get fixed.....hehe.....thought so.......
i don't think anyone want frozen peas for dinner for a while.
ReplyDelete(glad you made it, you brave boy)
Congratulations! Only real men get vasectomies. I can never thank my husband enough for getting his done... Extend my 'grats to your wife too!
ReplyDeleteI am soo donating some bags of frozen Little Caesar's Italian Sausage to this cause!
ReplyDelete*looks at bag of peas*
ReplyDeleteSudden desire to make a stir fry.
You should have gone down the pound and got it done for free!!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear your balls are okay, even if you are firing blanks now.
ReplyDeleteEROSWINGS
ReplyDeleteSwift indeed..in fact I am considering dusting off the pommel horse and trying to perform a few single leg swings and scissors...
on second thought..maybe not so much.
KAZ
I can always count on you to be looking out for my best interests. Thank You but I have already made inquiries to the Scissor Sisters.
PONITA
If he is not in the Book he bloody well should be..that's half a six shooter right there! Yee HAW!
ZIG-A-ZIG
My dear Zig there are no stitches these days. The laser holes are so tiny that they supposedly correct themselves in a few days and the titanium clamps do not set off the metal detectors at the airport...I'll find out in March when I escape to Mexico.
GHOST PARTICLES
Thank you for your reassurances. As long as the hydraulics still work I could care less if I lose the ballast.
VICUS
ReplyDeleteA little squeamish about discussing the naughty bits with fancy schmancy latin names are we?
Perhaps this is your stiff upper lippian way of expressing solidarity with my fragile conditon..
which I might remind you is only a temporary setback. I shall be back in the saddle at my earliest convenience.
BETTY
I appreciate the fact that you kept your schadenfreude in check until after the fact. I must confess that the frozen peas worked and that I feel like I was only knackerd by a Shetland Pony and not a Clydes. Thank goodness for small mercies.
THE MICHAEL
My good-lady-wife made the most of it with good natured teasing and mock sympathy. She is thoroughly enjoying my brief incapacitaion and plans to enjoy the respite.
MISTI
It would be different if I poured them into my Calvin Kleins like those little styrofoam thingamabobs...but as you can see I keep them in the bag whilst on the bag..um you know what I mean.
KIND LADY
YES!!! You tell the world Sistah!
*does a pirouette and attempts to finish in arabesque but falls wincing to the floor
OUCH sonofa..
RISA
You complete me!
If only these people could see that you are the coolest person in the world! How very generous of you to take pity on this old man.
Thanks for joining in the festivities.
MJ
You can take my bag of peas from cold, dead, hand...which certainly isn't the only part that feels cold and dead.
MUTLEY
This is the type of information that I require before the procedure!? Anyway I do not prefer the method that they use at the pound and I would look ridiculous with that cone around my head.
RANDOM CHICK
Ready
Aim
((FIRE ONE!))
*fft
It's jammed Sir!
Well gawdamnit man reload...look livley Son...
Yes Sir..ready Sir
((FIRE))
*fft
Nothing Sir,
I think the powder is wet Sir
SONOFABITCH
prepare to mount bayonets
Excuse me Sir but shouldn't we retreat Sir? We'll never be able to penetrate the enemy line without the Big Gun Sir?
((BLAWDY 'ELL!))
Shall I make some Tea Sir and wait until we can use the Canon Sir?
Very Well
((DISMOUNT))
And you're still coherent!
ReplyDeleteWell...
I was just wondering this morning what you'd have to say about the recent goings on in Parliament.
The scissor sisters are missing a member since Paddy (I think) left.
ReplyDeleteSo are you shooting blanks or not shooting at all anymore?
Um... also, a towel will help absorb the condensation from the peas... unless you enjoy having a damp crotch.
ReplyDeleteIs this any worse than Manflu?
ReplyDeleteSx
Well, it wasn't that bad after all Donn. A bad penny always turns up, lol.
ReplyDeleteNice to hear you're okay!
Well I'm glad it all went well for you! You big wooss, making such a fuss about it before hand... haha
ReplyDelete'All Juice No Seeds'
ReplyDeletebeooodiful poetry there!
gosh you were brave, weren't you?
well done for not piking at the last minute!
are you being tended by a round the clock troupe of scantily-clad nurses?
Glad you made it out alive.
ReplyDelete(When my ex had his vasectomy, some colleagues gave him a snickers bar with a note saying the nuts had already be cut for him.)
All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not the only person in the world who buys no name peas. :) Enjoy your invalid status.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! I literally LOL'd reading about the nuts playing hide and seek. They're smarter than we give them credit for.
ReplyDeleteMan, I don't even want to think about ever getting that done. I didn't particularly like getting my wisdom teeth out.
I remember when my dad got that done. Not wisdom teeth, you know, down there. He lied quietly on the couch all day. I didn't understand why he got it done at the time. It had to be over 10 years ago. Thinking back, I know now. And it disgusts me.
I simply MUST get my hubby to read this! He's been putting his procedure off for years! Granted, he's got 10 years 'til the big 5-0, but still!
ReplyDeleteGood on ya! and I'm sure you're still "strong like bull" ya? ;)
ANNDI
ReplyDeleteParliament! Well I think that Canadians have been given a perfect opportunity to see that our archaic system is fercokt!
We need to have a real form of representation FAIR VOTE CANADA.
The other thing that is evident is that we still act like a Colony even if our Governor General is hot...you'd think that we could atleast have a frumpy octogenarian dowager eh? I love the Queen but resent the Monarchy..especially if I am not going to be indentured..pfft what's the point?
CYBERPETE
I'm not even allowed to polish my rifle for 7 days...starts thinking about Hockey Statistics...so don't get me started.
Tomorrow is my Birthday and I won't be able to enjoy one of the three conjugal gimmes that all married men take for granted..the other two of course being Valentines & Anniversary.
*les really big sob
SCARLEY BLUE
Frankly Scarlet I can say without fear of hyperbole that it is ONE MILLION times worse than Manflu!
*enters uncontrollable wailing stage
LENI
Yeah I am a tough guy afterall. Despite all of my whinging it weren't so bad..aside from the indignation and conjugal birthday spoiling..could be waaaay worse..
could have been a REAL procedure!
STACE
HA! Well you see the thing of it is the reason that Ozzie chicks dig Canadian guys is because we are so sensitive and your boorish louts (Aidan excepted of course) are macho beer guzzlin' rugby rattled trogolodytes!
So I have appearances to maintain to preserve this myth.
PROJECTIVIST
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard at your posting of the Women Know Your Place sketch on YouTube.
I'm looking around...I don't see any scantilly clad nurses...couldn't do anything about it anyway.
*lip starts quivering
CITIZEN DEL MONDO
Yes aren't men hilarious when we are dealing with medical procedures that involve our junk?
Sure it's funny as long as it happens to somebody else.
Thank You for your concern you really shouldn't make such a fuss
*nose starts to extend
ANDREA
Do you suppose that people buy brand name Peas to put on their thingamabobs after a whatchamacallit?
I am thoroughly taking advantage of my invalidation and will take pictures of my good-lady-wife shovelling the mountain of snow that is accumulating...don't worry I'll look concerned while standing by the window in my jammies sipping coffee
ANONYMOUSKI
I know it's totally gross to think that your parents..you know..eew!
My kids are totally disturbed that I would write about this..never mind talk about it without using all of those latin terms.
It's my job to tell them the facts of life otherwise they'll find out at school, right?
JEWELS
Welcome! How apropriate that I receive your eponymous avatar on this special occasion...
and speaking of jewels tell your husband that a real man can sever his defs!
I know that it almost sounds ridiculous to have this done days before turning 51 but might I remind you that Tony Randall didn't start until he was in his 70s!
Why we males remain virile for so long is a grand testament to the evolutionary legacy of sugar daddyism...even though our swimmers degrade and start needing canes to get anywhere near an egg.
Hey Trivia time:
The largest cell in the Human Body is the Female Egg which is 8,000 times bigger than the smallest cell, male sperm.
What?!? No You Tube to memorialize the event? I will light a candle for you. Make that two candles.
ReplyDeleteThere have been times I looked at my three beautiful children as they laughed and played and thought... Yeh, it was so worth the scar not to have more of those squabbling mess machines that laughed at the hapless insects they were de-winging and played horrible pranks on the unwary! Heheh(My hubby was a huge chicken)
You Sir, are quite brave.
LDAHL
ReplyDeleteI have hopefully made amends by placing a hilarious YouTube sketch on my new birthday posting.
Thank you for the kudos, however I am not really brave and it is amazing how an ultimatum, however gently presented, can solidify one's resolve.
Like a Salmon I have swam upstream for the last time and instead of nestling in a quiet eddy to waste away, I am highballing it back out to Sea before I get eaten by a Bear! Sometimes it's OK to fool Mother Nature.
Neener neener nee-ner
What the hell happened to my comment? I remember now...I tried and tried and tried, it wouldn't work...
ReplyDeleteKinda like you'll be from now on!
WIENERHEAD
ReplyDeleteHeh-heh-heh-heh!
Your comment must have been terribly inappropriate to have been swallowed up into the ether by the Blog Gremlins...please try again!
What wonderful news! Not the vasectomy, as such, but the thought that you're still sexually active with someone who might conceivably get pregnant. And you had them both done! So you can do it twice a night, now...
ReplyDeleteOh yeah...now you're home free.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of when my ex got his..hehehe...we had no ice at the time, so he used a bag of frozen cherries to help with swelling. Loved that.
I winced for you as I read. ouch ouch ouch.
ReplyDeleteHope you're healing up quickly!
I winced for you as I read. ouch ouch ouch.
ReplyDeleteHope you're healing up quickly!
My ex's boys swelled up like balloons... looking back, I'm glad he was in gut wrenching pain and in deep need of icepacks for his nuts.
ReplyDelete