Monday, December 01, 2008

VASWRECKTOMY PART 2
Tomorrow is V Day. I put it off for as long as possible but I will be turning 51 on Saturday so I only have a few days left to comply with our National Health Snare Act that mandates every man be radically vasectomized when he is 50 years of age.


Like shopping on December 24th I have waited until the last possible moment to bid adieu to my manhood.
Soon I shall be an empty vessel set adrift to memories bliss.


I wrote about it last November here in Vaswrectomy but chickened out...
now there is no turning back, my double vasectomy is cast in stone;












>I had my junk examined by Dr Snipitoff with the blinds wide open hello!

>the boys have been meticulously depilated and read their last rites

>bags of frozen peas are in the freezer..next to a few "emergency swimmers" that I saved by the Pickerel Cheeks

>my supportive undergarment is pressed and YouPorn has been blocked for the next 10 days

>I practiced handing in motility samples at the lab.. the tech thought it was weird to do that before the procedure but whatev?

>my will is in plain view by the coffee maker... wouldn't want to die intestates now would I?


I am resigned to becoming a gelding for the good of the planet.. I have spawned four healthy specimens..two of each...all of whom I will remind that I love so deeply and to always remember their Papa when I was strong like bull.
Should I survive, I fully intend on describing every excruciating second of my emasculation.

So let it be written, so let it be done.






So long boys!

41 comments:

  1. canadian men are REQUIRED ??
    I had no idea.

    although I am sure your wife will be tremendously grateful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. KATHERINE
    No I totally made up that mandatory thingamabob...it would be a good idea but think about all the Tony Randalls and Warren Beattys of the world who started families in their 60s and 70s!

    I just needed an excuse to justify sacrificing my beautiful swimmers for the good of mankind.

    Yes my good-lady-wife will be tickled pink...
    atleast for the time being.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You want emasculation just put on an old Alanis Morissette album.

    Sounds painful yeah? Bless.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope you've put a sample in the bottom of the freezer "just in case".

    Good Luck Donn - I'm sure you'll need it :)

    Don't forget to post photos!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my, you poor thing..
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  6. It took a lot of courage to write this. I have to admire your balls.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have to say you're looking more like yourself again (avatar).
    Hope you don't change post op.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's a tough call isn't it - have someone chop about with your bollocks or use a condom. You're a brave man Donn, I wouldn't even consider it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. good gravy marie. my son just had the big snip several months ago. wah wah. two days of discomfort (fine, extreme) followed by a lifetime of firing blanks. in a matter of hours he was back at work, swearing in Spanish, piloting heavy equipment and herding dangerous ornamental evergreen trees into their new pasturage. now nut up and

    oh wait.

    ok. now suck it up and

    wait

    phfffft.

    at least you're blogging again, ya slacker.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, you better have the balls to go through with it this time!

    My ex chickened out on the way to the appointment. I didn't sit around and wait for him to try to find his balls and have the courage to do it - I just went and got my tubes tied.

    Which, I might add, is a lot riskier because it involves a general anaesthetic (they don't call it 'little death' for nothin', honey) and a day in the hospital. But now I don't have to ever worry about accidents - ever.

    So like FN says, suck it up or nut up or whatever... just do it!

    Good for you - we expect a full report, complete with surgical report and photos of the entire procedure - a video will suffice - cloesups included. A blow by blow running commentary from the surgeon should be included.

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh... and Happy birthday for Saturday, but I am sure I will be back before then!

    ReplyDelete
  12. It could be worse.

    You could have the dreaded MANFLU.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Eep...good luck.
    Here's my 2 cents - don't play basketball the day after. Sems obvious, but my friend Jeff did as he felt pretty good...and...um...it was not good. You don't want to see that. *We* don't want to see that.
    Just hang out and relax for a few days...pointy things near your dangly bits should at least give you the rights to do that I figure...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Good luck! And I'm off to email this to my chickensh** husband...

    ReplyDelete
  15. You'll be able to do that podcast of Tiptoe Through The Tulips!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good luck Donn!

    Now that your genetic material has been transferred 4 times, look at the advantages: Lots of carefree fun. And your manhood will still be intact. ;))

    Take care and happy birthday next Saturday.

    PS.- Don't jump this week, if possible.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Good luck... I'm so glad sometimes that I'm not a man... :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I was spayed years ago and its very liberating so celebrate - have a drink, have three drinks, smoke a cigar, have another drink, eat some cake, run naked through the streets, sing the hallelujah chorus with a bucket on yer head or failing that throw a ball(!) and invite all yer friends.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Go-nads.

    I was going to empathise, but I withdraw. Like a good Catholic.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm looking forward to reading all about it and seeing pictures. Will WW be coming along to photograph the event?

    I've been discussing this with Big J lately. Having twin infants will bring about the snipping conversation in a hurry. We're still not sure we're ready to call it quits, so no decision has been made yet.

    ReplyDelete
  21. good luck. be back. with all the gory details.

    ReplyDelete
  22. gosh.
    good luck with that.
    with that whole Losing of the Manswimmers thing.
    seems i arrived just in time for the gore.
    please don't include pictures - i'm pretty squeamish.

    ReplyDelete
  23. u got to be bloody kidding me! oh man...

    all the best bro.

    and LOL @ what Leni wrote :D

    do you have this feeling deep inside that Gautami might be seriously happy about this?

    :D

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think the tickling in pink may need to go on hold for a bit!

    May the frozen pea haki sacking go well.

    ReplyDelete
  25. hope you're not too sore donnnnnnn

    xxxx for a speedy recovery

    (-:

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ouch and best wishes for safe procedure and a speedy recovery.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hell, I did that a long time ago, BEFORE I could add more short people to the overpopulation train.

    Until we are all required to be licensed, meeting healthy genetic standards, income requirements, and attending basic parenting classes, I fully support war, famine, genocide, plague, and big rocks from space as population control measures, which aren't even keeping up with our out-of-control growth.

    But thanks for making an effort at least.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You are REQUIRED to do this in Canada? WTF?

    Unless you are a gigolo, why?

    ReplyDelete
  29. HE LIVES!

    CYBERPETE
    Alanis hahaha no kidding!

    ZIGGI
    Absolutely! I have my special reserve safely tucked away and labelled..next to the frozen peas.

    SCARLET BLUE
    Thank you for expressing some sympathy..my wife and the receptionist had a blast laughing about how all the men are such big babies.

    VICUS
    I had a few people admiring my balls today during the procedure!
    You'd think that they'd lock the door?

    KAZ
    I promise to leave my av alone..
    I think that I got that out of my system.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey, Donnnn, hope the frozen peas are doing their job. Too tender to sit in front of the computer?

    Hope you are healing well and as comfy as can be expected.... (remember... drugs are your friend...) and that you are working on a stupendously detailed with lots of colour photos and videos update on the whole surgical procedure, as well as pre- and post-op pics!

    ReplyDelete
  31. TOM
    It was a walk in the park..except for the puffs of smoke pluming above my swimsuit area! I counted 5 before I blacked out.

    NATIONS
    You would have been proud of me. I strode out of procedure room like a SPARTAN WARRIOR!
    Actually I hugged the wall and pretended to be dying when I got to the reception area. There was a guy filling out forms who lifted his ashen face to stare at me..the look on his face was priceless!

    PONITA
    Agreed. It's way easier for the feller to get neutered...and it was surprisingly painless..but those damned puffs of smoke were unnerving. I'll write about it tonight.

    MJ
    Atleast with the MANFLU you look like you're going to die..but my lovely wife has seen the skit so she just laughs and says you poor little bunny.
    She just couldn't stop giggling today..and neither could I the whole thing is sort of funny.

    GEOSOMIN
    Thanks. I have no intentions of playing with basketballs or any other balls for that matter.

    ReplyDelete
  32. ANDREA
    You send him over and I'll straighten him out with a little mano a mano chat. It's time that he took one for the team!

    GEOFF
    HAHAHA! I always wanted to improve my falsetto and now my dream has come true...be careful what you wish for my friend.

    LENI
    YES! That's the spirit..I'll be free as a bird and won't need to worry about any Storks arriving!
    Although it's hard to imagine any of that right now.

    STACE
    Oh piffle, compared to women we get off easy...
    medically speaking..
    oh you know what I mean.

    MINX
    I love the way that you think.
    Actually we are on the same wavelength because I purchased mass quantities of Eggnog to drown my Rum in for the next few days.
    Vaswrectomy Schmectomy!

    ReplyDelete
  33. TICKERS
    Go nads HAHAHA!
    The rhythm method doesn't really work because it was specifically designed to keep the pews full of brand new Parishioners. How is it even possible to you-know at the same speed?

    ANNA
    You have plenty of time. As a matter of fact while we were riding up the elevator to the doctor's office I kept asking my lovely wife if she was absolutely positive that that she didn't need to have another baby..actually it was more like begging.

    She couldn't stop giggling so I took that as a No.

    MISTI
    Tonight I shall sit upon my perch of frozen peas and whinge about my gonads going..going...gone.

    PROJECTIVIST
    Welcome! If you are squeamish about procedures then beware..my wife brought the camera and let me tell you, it's a terrible sight for a sober man.

    GHOSTY
    Gautami may have a little fun with this in public, but you must remember that deep down she really- really likes me in a Sally Fieldian way.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Did Ally really bring the camera!?!?!? I am excited that you might actually really and truly post photos! I know you probably won't do the whole surgical field area (modesty and all), but close-ups of the gory inner bits would be way cool.

    I am so a nursey girl! I love to see the insides of people and animals... does that make me a medical nerd????

    I have actually had my hands inside an old lady's abdomen, fingers probing a guy's trashed shoulder, and held an amputated leg (...now that was a weird experience...). I even got to close up the old lady using the staple gun! That was the best!

    I wanted to be an OR nurse years ago but they cancelled the course I had signed up for when all the health care cuts happened in the early 90's. So I went to the States instead and did Intensive Care nursing.

    ReplyDelete
  35. By the way, I am glad it went well and you're doing fine.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  36. APPRENTICE
    WELCOME! Thank you for acknowledging my little pun. I shuddered a little when I read your phrase...I didn't really want to hear hack and sac in the same sentence...
    it's too late now anyway
    HAHAHA!

    VIEWEE
    Aaah you're so sweet...and thank you for not adding you poor little bunny. So far so good but the freezing is just starting to thaw.

    EROSWINGS
    The Doctor warned me about not trying to speed up the recovery process..especially rushing those first 20 you-know-whats! He said a lot of guys think pffft and start practicing to send their samples off ot the lab to get the ALL CLEAR FIRE WHEN READY signal.

    THE MICHAEL
    Funny that you should mention the Big Rocks From Space method of birth control because that is exactly what Mother Nature used on the Dinosaurs and it had an efficiency quotient of 100%...except of course for the bird descendency thingamabob.

    RANDOM CHICK
    I'm kidding with this..Canada does not yet have mandatory snippage but it would be a good idea.

    A little skimming in the shallow end of the gene pool makes perfect sense to me..as long as I get to decide who gets neutered of course.

    PONITA
    Thank You. I will be overcompensating for my castration for the next few days by shouting..
    THIS
    IS
    SPAR-TA!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Don't shout too loud - the valsalva manoeuver creates increased abdominal pressure and might make your gonads go NO!

    ReplyDelete
  38. It's not castration, your boys will still be there. And you'll be fine in a day. It's only fair, really, that men get vasectomnies, given that women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, and childbirth.

    ReplyDelete
  39. PONITA
    Not to worry. I won't be trying the valsalva manoeuver or any other manoeuver for atleast a week.

    CITIZEN DEL MONDO
    I know...my wife read me the riot act on the inequalities of pain distribution between the sexes.
    *avoids shame spiral

    GHOSTY
    My ovaries hurt..seriously..the dull throbbing pain is up somewhere that I never knew existed.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Why the hell would they require that???

    I mean at 50 men are usually smart enough not to make accidents happen. They've usually had plenty of years of sex ed, condom use and what not.

    ReplyDelete

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