Thursday, October 30, 2008

by Lord Tennisanyone

My Word! As many of you know I was Charlie Darwin's closest confidente and companion during his search for the origin of our species.

We shared a plethora of interests and I loved him dearly, although not with the same sort of ravenous lust and undying affection that I held for our fellow naturalist, the vivacious Penelope Pinkbitz.

Here is the last known photograph of Penelope taken whilst she was off collecting birds. I can be seen in the background on my way to collect her for a spot of lunch.

That was the last time that I ever laid my eyes, or hands, on Pinkbitz.

I never saw my belusted Penelope again.
That very afternoon Charlie and I became separated during a misadventure whilst collecting scientificky specimens in the Galapogos, wherein we were inexplicably subjected to an ignominious assault from an enraged carcharodon carcharias.

I was lost at sea.

The currents carried me to the Antarctic where my frozen head was chipped from the ice and I was subsequently brought back to life....

through the miracle of cryogenics, in a laboratory next to that insufferable Walt Disney fellow.

Needless to say I am now here in the present and Mr. Coppens and I are comparing notes and trying to ascertain if any discernable progress has been made by our species.
Today's observation is on the pervasive usage of a certain word that I found myself continuously using whilst trapped beside Mr. Disney for several decades.

Certainly we used the F word back in the 1800's but perhaps a little review is in order.
Now when Charlie could no longer stomach the blood and gore of Medical School his old man sent him off to be a Parson.
As fortune would have it, Charlie was chosen for the unpaid position of gentleman’s companion by the aptly named Robert FitzRoy, the captain of the HMS Beagle.
Ever been to Sea?

It should come as no surprise that once you get into a boat and sail away from polite society, that even a freshly trained Theology student will start using the F word. Surely the exhuberance of youth was in effect, but we had all had enough of being told how to conduct our linguistic exchanges by the likes of insufferable expurgationists such as Thomas F*cking Bowdler.

It is the fault of Bowdler and his ilk that cursing remains an indicator of Class Distinction...
although truth be told it is mainly enforced by the Middle Class and largely ignored by those above and below.

For example, in moments of astonishment or admonishment, Her Majesty will only dare utter, "Oh My Heavens" or "intercourse the Penguin"...
whereas a completely common person will blurt out, "Oh My God!" or "F*ck Off!"..
an American would say, "O Ma Gawd!" or "F*ck Hawff!"...
and Bloggers here in cyberspace simply type in "OMG!" or "FO!"

Imagine Bowdler having the bloody nerve to edit the works of Shakespeare in order to make them more appropriate for the ears of women and children. Penelope, who was an ardent feminist, referred to Bowdler as that f*cking arsehole.

Where was I? Oh yes, the F word.
Mr. Coppens and I do enjoy going to the Pictures and I have become painfully aware that the F word is now de rigeur in Cinematic scripts...
as it is out here in the blogosphere.
You may have noticed how frequently many of my fellow British Bloggers bandy about the F word in the comment section as if there was no tomorrow...
they even use the dreaded C word..

and they use it more often than even that darling Jodie Foster does in all of her Movies.

In my day, Bowdler and many others, decided that any persons found liberally sprinkling their social intercourse with F*cks, were to be instantly recognised as loathesome, unrefined, characters, devoid of suitable articulatory abilities and vocabulary.
There was to be little doubt that such pedestrian potty-talk eminated exclusively from the mouths of lower class idiots who had been spawned amongst the great unwashed. Commoners.
This had also happened in America where those insufferable Puritans were equally adamant about enforcing this Orwellian, lexiconian, edict on the others..
including the witches that they burned and the savages that they expropriated and killed.

Well I'm afraid that I have exhausted your patience and my powers of concentration are quickly fading.
I simply wanted to elucidate upon this matter since the world is changed by the very power of words.
Since the F word may very well be the most flexible word in the Dictionary (noun/adjective/verb tr & intr/interjection you name it) it is certainly worth noting that it is still trying to shake off the stigmatism of vulgarity and class distinction attached to it Centuries ago.



  1. Anonymous12:58 p.m.



  2. Anonymous12:59 p.m.

    Dude, you know a lot of famous people. I wish I had known Darwin...I would have asked him: if we're descendants of apes, why are we so stupid?

  3. Donn, you have a fucking problem, you know that? You and your fucking vulgarity...sheesh....why can't I read three fucking posts of yours without getting assualted by all these "F" words? You are a fucking potty mouth, my fucking friend, and you need to put a fucking cork in it!

    Just fucking saying.........

  4. I bet Her Majesty's uses the F word a lot in private...

    F*cking great post.

  5. Oh, for f*ck's sake, I've made a f*ckin grammar mistake. Meant to say, I bet Her Majesty uses the F word a lot in private.

    F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!

  6. hahahahaha ur face looks sooo funny in the first few pics! Help I cant stop laffing!!

    Donno when did u get this FAMOUS ha?

    And where is ur pic with Ms.Belluci?


  7. Congratulations you wild and crazy guy! You have received the "I Love Your Blog" Award!
    Go here to pick it up:

    Thanks for your wonderful blog!

  8. You fustilarian!

  9. i use quite a fair bit too. heavens!

    That is an excellent question.

    First of all we APE a lot of the behavior of our closest relatives, the Chimpanzees, with who we share 98.6% of our genes.

    In a nutshell, Chimpanzees are an omnivorous, tool-using, species which lives in a stressful Paternalistic environment that is rife with political turmoil on a daily basis and wages violent wars with neihbouring tribes inorder to secure and expand their territory.
    Sound familiar?

    Unfortunately we did not follow the evolutionary pattern of our other cousins, the Bonobos, who are Maternalistic and use communal SEX to resolve conflicts and oddly enough, appear to be much calmer much happier.

    I believe that what you meant to say was

    "Donn, you have an intercoursing problem, you know that? You and your Flippin' vulgarity...sheesh....why can't I read three Frickin' posts of yours without getting assualted by all these "F" words? You are a Fascinating potty mouth, my Fabulous friend, and you need to put a Fartnicking cork in it!
    Just Frustratingly saying

    Thank You for understanding the duplicity of this posting...and for your attention to detail.

    Naturally we all know the HRH would never utter any vulgarities as she has had the upmost instruction on etiquette and has mastered the lost art of self restraint.

    Keep up the fine work.
    A knighthood may be forthcoming.

    Hmm? Penelope Pinkbitz does bear a striking resemblence to Ms Bellucci. It would therefore seem obvious, even to the casual observer, that both Tennisanyone and Myself are simultaneously besmitten and besotted by well endowed biologically accommodating Brunettes.
    We are powerless against their formidable charms.

    You are much too generous.

    I gladly accept your gift and must deduce that you appreciate my scribblings in a Sally Fieldian sort of way. You like me. you really really like me?YOINK

    Great Day In The Morning!
    A Silmarillion eh?
    Oh a fustilarian! Fustilarian?
    like a scullion, rampallian, scoundrel. I can live with that?

    I suppose that's more impressive than being a Filibustering Librarian or a Frustrated Rastafarian.

    Not to worry I say Oh My Heavens all the time. I only use the F-Bomb when it is interspersed within another like... Inf*ckingcredible or Unbef*ckinglievable...
    just gives it that little bit of oomph.

  11. Yes, I really, really do.... :)


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