Sunday, November 25, 2007

Vaswrecktomy 101
The vasectomy is now mandatory in Canada for any male who has reached the age of 50. This Law was introduced in the North American Free Trade Agreement as a measure to ensure that our general population collapses and makes it easier for the Americans to invade and take all of our fresh water and maple syrup.

The vasectomy was first introduced by the Vandals when they ‘sacked’ Rome in 455. These first attempts were crude in execution and the Italian preference for singing Opera in a Falsetto was born soon after.

Following a precipitous plunge in population the Vatican relented and prescribed the rhythm method as the new form of birth control. The rhythm method being that a man and a woman were rhythmically conjoined at the same speed, on the same day and in the same general vicinity: usually every second Wednesday Night.

Although the Priests, sworn to master..I mean celebate lives, were unaware of the mechanics of heterosexual reproduction, however they accidentally discovered that a Bull who had been whacked in the scrotum with a large, blunt, shovel, was unable to runaway as fast when it was time to be ‘milked’, and for whatever reason it could no longer reproduce.

This opened up all sorts of possibilities.

Of course these days a vasectomy is a ridiculously simple ten minute procedure that can be performed by a drunk, blind, chimpanzee armed only with a rusty lid from any number of canned goods found in the local grocery store.

The most important aspect is to ensure that the man’s ‘swimmers’, tiny miniature versions of the man with tails for motility, are all blocked from escaping a special containment area which extends down into both legs and a large portion of the man’s belly.


Two thirds of the sperm is useless anyway because they are exclusively designed to kill the sperm from other males which may have been deposited in their wife’s swimsuit area while he was at work.

Since most couples both work outside of the home and are too tired to have sex this is no longer a concern.

To ensure that the swimmers are blocked from ever escaping (they eventually degrade and become brain cells that are used exclusively to store scores from sporting events) extreme measures are taken to count the swimmers in the man’s test sample.

These samples must be made prior to the operation and subsequent testing is done manually or orally in the clinic for a few weeks to ensure that the man is now legally infertile, emasculated, and completely useless.

Here in our extremely cold environment, special precautions are taken to gather these delicate samples within 30 minutes. Exposure to oxygen and cold temperatures are a death sentence for the swimmers so special organ transplant teams are flown in by helicopter to collect the samples. Naturally the men are generally too tired after depositing and will either have a nap or start looking for something to eat in the fridge.

Two thirds of these samples are sold to pharmaceutical companies or turned into Instant Pancake Batter. The remaining portion is tested by hundreds of dedicated professional lab technicians who have been rescued ..er recruited, from Eastern European Brothels.

According to Urban Legend, these skilled professionals, or ‘pros’, can count the number of swimmers on their tongue and ‘guesstimate’ the number of actual impregnators. Though the actual methods are closely guarded trade secrets, rumors persist that the killers and blockers are apparently drawn to the cheeks and tonsils and that it is pretty much a no-brainer.

Either way, once a large hole has been drilled and sliced into the scrotum and the second brain has been removed, it is safe for the man to resume conjugal relations with his spouse, mistress, or favorite lab technician, within hours of the procedure.


The chance of impregnating any females or other bipedal relatives is greatly reduced by the painful swelling , odd discolouration, debilitating self loathing, and incessant chafing incurred by the drooping scrotum.

So I’m sure that it will be a great relief to finally quit thinking about sex. I will finally have a lot of free time on my hands for Blogging. WooHoo!

Oh-oh, I can hear the Helicopter landing on the roof… gotta go!

48 comments:

  1. Yer funny!

    Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ice my happy zone...sympathetic pain.

    ReplyDelete
  2. RIMMER,
    I just emptied the frozen pea section at Safeway.
    Remember the old expression,
    'It's in the bag dad?'

    ReplyDelete
  3. Killer-Sperm!
    What's wrong with the chastety belt?

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK, to point out the power of the imagination over overwhelming logic, if a vasectomy is "a ridiculously simple ten minute procedure that can be performed by a drunk, blind, chimpanzee armed only with a rusty lid" how come my chicken-hearted spouse made *me* go under the knife?

    ReplyDelete
  5. CREAMSTER,
    Gee that's a toughie!
    A vaswrecktomy is definitely a lot easier on the wear and tear of your member of parliament...
    although for some guys trying to return to the point of origin is like bangin' their head against a wall anyway.

    This probably won't make a 'vas deferens' to my life except for my plans to single handedly repopulate the Earth during the Nuclear Winter.

    D'OH I guess that I can't repopulate the Earth 'single handedly' can I!

    ANDREA,
    My Word! I cannot make up any excuse lest I break my oath of solidarity with my brother. Did you atleast flip a coin?

    The only reason that most women would NOT let their hubby get snipped is the obvious one..
    you know...
    OK because then he might think that he can you know...
    without getting anybody else you know...

    btw: You will be happy to know that we talked about you all night and the property in question is still available.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ack! We fear change! Stop it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was going to find the Family guy vasectomy song on YouTube, but Fox have been arseholes and done everyone for copyright violations. Turds. Just image a barber-shop choir singing about the vasectomy operation. It's priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  8. LOL HE u r too clever and too funny!


    ** simple ten minute procedure that can be performed by a drunk, blind, chimpanzee armed only with a rusty lid from any number of canned goods found in the local grocery store.

    hahahaha!


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  9. why knot grumble?8:13 p.m.

    I guess the career prospects for a budding incubus are drying up, in a manner of speaking. Oh well, it's mind over matter...er,
    batter. Write on, your Eloquence!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I always thought RuPaul had something to do with it. at least that's what I told my ex-husband.
    RuPaul, a jar of chunky peanut butter and one of those machines that extrude concrete barriers.

    maybe that wasn't a vasectomy. it was something, though.

    oh yeah. he asked me 'what divorce be like?'

    ReplyDelete
  11. And here I was worried that it was too early to start discussing Crisismass!

    In a weird way the message of Mathew 10 did come to fruition... "For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household"

    ReplyDelete
  12. MJ,
    Hey there it is!
    *licks more scrapbooking glue

    ahhhhh!

    ReplyDelete
  13. My sweetheart friend,

    You never cease to amaze me. It is posts like these that brought me to you in the first place and now keeps me here. Well, that and your sweetness.

    I am thanking God I am not a man for several reasons now. But I am sure thankful you are ....::grin:::

    Tara

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're a worry :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Also, HE, I tagged you. You know you love it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. RIP those randy swimmers.

    I'm sure the op will make a 'vas deferens' to you life.

    ReplyDelete
  17. RIMSKY,
    I might change my template every week..I thrive on change and nobody can stop me! NOBODY!!

    FATHORSE,
    Bloody Murdoch! How dare he impugn our obliteration of creative property laws..it's called finders keepers. NYEH!

    KESHIROO,
    Of course you can't tell anyone about this..it is our little secret out here in the blogosphere.
    I wouldn't want my neighbours to know all of the stuff that I tell you..that's awkward.

    GRUMLISIMO,
    HA, I love Mind over Batter! Well I have done my part and now, like a good Salmon, I must wiggle off into the shallows and get eaten by a half starved Bear. I can almost hear Elton mumbling something about The Circle of Life.

    FIRST NATIONS,
    The only concrete barriers are the sound reasons for maintaing your bits until the last possible moment..you just never know if you're going to be trapped on a desert island with Monica Belucci and be required to repopulate the planet..do you?

    INSIDER,
    and I shall remain ALL man even without my ability to spawn millions and millions of mini-mes!

    STACE,
    A-ha! Actually I will have one less thing to worry about.

    FATHORSE,
    Although I have never actually had much experience with alcohol I shall give it a whirl..
    *bursts into flames

    KAZ,
    Dahling you know just what to say to a snippee..that is precisely the sort of encouragement that I need to hear to cajole myself into going through with voluntary castration.

    ReplyDelete
  18. God, my balls are aching and I'm not even considering the chop.

    ReplyDelete
  19. //Two thirds of the sperm is useless anyway because they are exclusively designed to kill the sperm from other males which may have been deposited in their wife’s swimsuit area while he was at work. //--godammit!

    Okay this is officially a science fiction story. But it scares the heck out of me...

    ReplyDelete
  20. TOM909,
    It's the lid on the can of tuna that gives me a dull achy feeling..ewch I can't even look at it.
    *momentarily cradles the boys

    GHOSTY,
    That part is true..
    we are totally designed for sneaking around..
    why else would we have those guys?


    check it out.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, you changed your template? I was referring to ... er ... coins.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Himself says it's the only test he's ever failed - he had to go in and have it done again!


    I shall be expecting a report from Mrs HE on noticeable differences!

    ReplyDelete
  23. RIMBO,
    Oh..I see..I guess that I should have picked up on that but my mind is not usually trolling in the gutter..
    wait a minute, nope, you're right, it is.

    ZIGGI,
    He didn't study 'hard' enough.

    I would imagine that Demand will RISE as the Supply goes DOWN..
    but if the demand for going down is constantly rising then supply is maintained by the forcing or driving the economy in the direction that you want it to go by simply adjusting the inflation rate and tweaking the variables.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I suppose, then, you'll need me to pick you up from the doctor's office.

    It is NOT a 10-minute procedure. More like 20, and the freezing needle is the worst.

    I still have bad dreams about incisions and the like...

    When? On your 50th, as a cruel joke?

    ReplyDelete
  25. You might appreciate this homo e. Would be good if you could hear the tune -it's really lively :).

    The Vasectomy Song Lyrics
    by John Williamson.

    It's just a modern world we live in, but why do they pick on me
    Why just the other week my missus had the cheek to talk me into a va-sec-tom-y
    At first it never clicked that I was gettin' nicked, I thought it was to test verility
    Than after I went through it, ten days we couldn't do it and then the doctor said to me

    I couldn't believe it folks - He said please blow into this bag, please sir
    What? - to test your capability
    I beg your pardon? - we're cutting down on accidents
    I said are you fair dinkum - He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

    Well - I couldn't believe it at first but you know what they say about doctors orders
    So he gave me the little bag and ushered me into the little room with all the pin-ups
    Grubby little room it was, too, and I came back with my little bag
    And the doctor was quite satisfied, and so was I

    It's just a modern world we live in, there's knew fangled things every day
    The cop said I was speedin', accordin' to his readin'
    But I was three kilometers away
    I was feelin' pretty mad when he took out his pad, I tried to stay as calm as I could be
    He found a bawldy tread, he saw my eyes were red
    And then he said this strange thing to me - I said what again?

    He said please blow into this bag, please sir
    I said hang on - to test your capability
    What? - we're cutting down on accidents
    I said are you fair dinkum - He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

    Well this time I really was shaken up, the cop could see I was a bit excited
    He said well you better take a good grip on yourself son
    So I went around behind a big gum tree and came back with my little bag
    Well you can imagine what happened

    It's just a modern world we live in, I'm feelin' very sad and pale
    The judge said I was sick and threw me in the nick
    And missus said she wouldn't pay the bail
    So take it from a fool like me, beware of quacks and boys in blue
    I'm feelin' pretty bruised so don't you get confused
    I'd catch a train if I was you-ou

    All together now - please blow into this bag, please sir
    Ahh, It sends a shiver down my spine
    Please blow into this bag, please sir
    If the women don't get you, it's the wine

    ReplyDelete
  26. **I wouldn't want my neighbours to know

    depends on if ur neighbor needs one or not too :):)

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Go for it!

    (You can interepret it any way you like.)

    BTW, thanks! I needed this lesson on vasectomy.

    ReplyDelete
  28. WITHOUT DEFERENS,
    Yes please pick me up and then we can go skating on the river for a few hours HA! Hope you can carry me to your car.

    LEE,
    Terrific!
    I must admit that I twinged a little everytime that I heard the words blow & bag in the same sentence.
    Has Chopper ever done a rant on 'sectomys?

    KESHTAR,
    My neighbours are out of control..they all need one! No wonder it's always so quiet around here at night..everybody is goin' to bed early. Hmmm.

    GAUTAMI,
    I am always more than happy to be a reliable source of information. Hopefully this wasn't too scientificky.

    Sometimes Women are too embarrased to ask about "Men's Issues" but if you have any questions please feel free to email me or my Vasectomologist Dr Numbnutz.

    ReplyDelete
  29. LMAO!!!
    oh my word thats funny! and even more so since a friend of mine had his post-op test yesterday!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I figured I'd take you out to a strip bar or something just to make the pain a little worse...

    Or maybe we could go to a women's fitness place, sign one of those 99-cent memberships and you ride an exercise bike for a few hours while you ogled all the hardbodies...

    (Note to Ally: I would never actually let anything bad happen...really).

    When's the big op day?

    ReplyDelete
  31. I was going to say something witty and astute, but I am totally exhausted after reading all of this. I am going for a nap instead.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Is this for real? Mandatory????

    woohoo! Maple syrup forever!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Is it seriously mandatory? I am in shock and NEED to know... MANDATORY? Dios mio and *GASPETTY GASP*

    I am already choking here!

    As for the rest, ouch amigo mio! Though for alternative health reasons I am not a friend to vasectomies, on the other hand, and especially after having viewed Loverboy's swimmers once under a dark field microscope (oh the things bohemians do when not around their children and "at work"!) and seeing, firsthand, how unrelenting the swimmers are in their pursuit of anything egg-like, no matter what lies in their path there they go trying to penetrate it like horny terminators fueled by the energeizer bunny itself, sex becomes a much undesired activity and vasectomies quite the lucrative fantasy DAS FO SHO!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Interesting article, although it made me cringe in a few places!! Be sure and check out mine, I debunk creationism/design:

    http://aigbusted.blogspot.com

    -Ryan

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm so sorry, last night, (late last night), I woke everyone up here laughing so much, so loudly at what you had written, .....................and then I realised what had happened.

    I'm sorry for laughing.

    I think you are very brave, very considerate and ...ouch; hope all is better soon.

    Damn those drunken monkeys, and rusty tin cans!

    Say, aren't you having a birthday soon? Gotta admire your focus and determination on fertility matters; your sense of responsibility is inspirational.

    Pam

    ReplyDelete
  36. so...

    ...how's it hanging?

    ReplyDelete
  37. ANGEL,
    Did he offer to do pre op samples like I did?


    WITHOUT DEFERENS,
    A strip joint? I won't even want to go to a strip mall after!

    GLORIA,
    OUCH!

    KC,
    Since you are an actual medical practioner I feel that it is my duty to come clean...er...
    NO it is not mandatory for 50 year old men to have either vasectomies or lobotomies..
    yet.

    MIZZY LA BOHEME,
    Terminators is right except that they can't say "Ahl be beck!"
    Those little bastards get one shot just like a lot of the men launching them so they gotta make hay while the sun is shining.

    I won't ask about the microscope thingamabob but I am intrigued. Whatever floats yer boat.

    AIGBUSTED,
    It made me cringe too! I read some of your postings and I am delighted to see that you are doing all of the heavy lifting in the Creationamalizm Debate.

    I was delighted to see that your arguments are loaded with lots of scientificky goodness. Not that that is of any use when dealing with their beliefs but hey, it's a war of soundbites right now but sooner or later a new generation is going to come along and appreciate it.

    SIENNA,
    Yes my resolve is formidable...I can't even remember why anymore. I have one half of the testosteroni that I had when I was 25.

    I feel as if that is an accurate proportional representation of a lot of my other physical and mental attributes as well...where are my keys right now? No idea.

    HERR RIMSCHOTT,
    Sch-wing low,
    suh-weet char-i-ot,
    Someone's gonna carry me home!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Two thirds of these samples are sold to pharmaceutical companies or turned into Instant Pancake Batter. Ewwww.

    You know, most women hate to hear men whine about vasectomies. Try natural childbirth, or a C-section, or a D&C, or an amnio. After all that, I had little sympathy for my husband. It seemed only fair that he be the one "going under the knife" as Andrea said.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Scarlet11:52 a.m.

    well that did not seem to work.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Anonymous3:56 p.m.

    Besides extreme funny and intelligent, you are a good man ! :-)
    P.S. Google seems to have changed something : if you're not a google blogger, you're nothing, read : anonymous. So I'll type my name here :-) Regards ! Hildegarde, http://flanders-inside.skynetblogs.be

    ReplyDelete
  41. gautami tripathy9:37 a.m.

    So how did it go?

    BTW, blogger has gone bonkers. It does not anyone leve direct links. So I beat the system.

    See:

    gautami

    ReplyDelete
  42. first, google took away PR ranking, now it does this. i just felt like ranting.

    ReplyDelete
  43. sturgeon general4:57 p.m.

    Okay, HE- time to 86 the ice pack and get this party started. let's see, was it the red pill, or the blue? one of 'em guarantees to put
    the lead back in ones pencil, in as
    little as a 3 mph crosswind (note
    the omnipresent danger of massive, spontaneous regularity, loss of visual acuity, yada, yada. details
    can be so tedious...)
    you are cleared for go at 104% of throttle. Up, up, and away!

    ReplyDelete
  44. "Here is to swimming with bow legged women."

    ReplyDelete
  45. Quite possibly your funniest post to date. I couldn't stop laughing.

    Are you SURE you want to do this? Don't you want more little HE's roaming the planet?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Anonymous1:31 a.m.

    roflol!!MANdatory! If true, which I doubt given your throbbing humour, that is reDICyouLESS.
    Did you post that on your birthday?
    That would "suit" you... You outdid yourself here. Hope you had a fantabulous b-day!

    Green_Eyed Lady aka gel

    ReplyDelete
  47. yes he did, he's frozen some for juuuust in case he decides he wants another child in the future...

    ReplyDelete

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