Friday, October 26, 2007

PRIAPISMIC DUMB-MEN-TIA?


Sing-a-long to the Beatles'
When I'm 64

"When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now,
Will you still be jumping me on Valentine's?
Little blue pills and a bottle of wine!


If I'm still UP past a quarter to three,
Don't give me any-more!
Just get my old Ween-ie
Into the Emergen-cy,
When I'm stiff and sore."

Dum-Dum.


Throughout most of Human History we have evolved to reproduce and expire by our mid thirties. Sex was not just a recreational distraction it was our prime directive.
Now that we live twice as long as we were designed to we have a new predicament to contend with that our Ancestors never dreamed of..getting old.

Our Brain has somehow evolved to make us aware of our existance and therefore terrified of Death. In order to make sense of it all we have invented all sorts of wonderful afterlife scenarios to ease our souls but the the one thing that makes us really feel alive is makin' whoopee.

Originally I wanted to poke fun at those mindnumbingly idiotic Viagra commercials but apparently I failed to get my message across so this is a retraction of sorts.

Seriously, what the hell are those goofy old buggers talking about?
Have you seen these commercials?


"Mumble wrinkly minky Viagra chafe?"
"No. Mondo whammo minky flop boo boo splats!"

What the frick is that supposed to mean?
Are these silly buggers suffering from Priapismic DUMB-men-tia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Priapism
Priapismic Dumb-men-tia is a (fictional) condition that is the result of having all of the blood redirected the portion of their brain that is assigned to language and redirected down to the naughty bits.
To combat our evolutionary conundrum of outliving our best before date we have invented schwing pills to offer resurrect the dead or atleast dormant members of society.
Even if you are three days older than Kerosene you can go from this
to THIS
by simply taking the advice of some guy on TV dressed in a white lab coat (must be a Doctor) telling you that you can feel young again and enjoy a brand new boner that is yours to enjoy for the next fourteen hours. A small price to pay for temporarily losing the ability to converse in any of the 7,330 recognised languages on the planet.

Yes indeed a little poke in the whiskers is just what the TV Doctor ordered and the best way to feel young again.

Hell at that stage in life who gives a rat's ass about crap like memory, attention, language and problem solving because when you're doin' this
you feel like this again!
There that's my retraction and I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my original posting, premature extrapolation. It came across as callous, insensitive, narrow minded, and belligerent.
If I ever live long enough to put a little starch in my collar I will be buying this stuff in bulk at Costco.

57 comments:

  1. Tornadic diarrhea?

    So you wouldn't know if you were coming or going!

    ReplyDelete
  2. this brings a whole new meaning to Blue Pill Land - I always thought of it as a take off of The Matrix. . .

    it can work wonders tho, don't knock it, way before the wrinkles and crinkles set in. . .

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. What ad? Give us a link! I am inclined to think that your hearing is going downhill. That's a sign of old age, ya know....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nice pic of you and Ally...who took it?

    That list of ingredients is a classic that you'd better hope the Viagra copyright infringement people don't get all hard over.

    And your latest new Homo Escapeonism, DumbMenTia, is a winner.

    ReplyDelete
  5. MJ,
    Nor would you have time to figure it out.

    iltv,
    Well Neo you must choose..the Red Pill or the Blue Pill? Far be it for me to make light of erectile dysfunction and Romance enhancers..my point was to ask the question at what point is enough, enough?
    Perhaps when they make an antedote for all of those poor little old ladies who have to deal with it.

    miss cellania,
    I suppose that it is out on YouTube..I just presumed that everyone had seen them because they have been out for a long time.
    My h..ring is g..ing but so..tim..s I he.. bit. a.d pie..s of a comm..cia.s.

    without,
    This is SATIRE baby!
    I said 'possible' side effects and I know that Viagra is losing market share but I doubt that they are desperate enough to go after Bloggers.

    Hey Man! As far as I know it's still a free country and even free-erer out here in the blogosphere.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Viagra?
    Give me a woman with a good heart and lots of love to give.
    Throw in a short skirt, loose fitting top and a few drinks.....

    Arrrr YES! "What is thing they call old age?"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Me thinks the gentleman doth prostesteth too much.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There are so many options with toys and... ummm... various other insertables. I don't see what the big deal is over having a hard-on. I have to admit, the side effects scare me a little and my concern for my lover's health may just be enough to put a damper on the festivities.

    ReplyDelete
  9. whitesnake,
    That's the spirit! I guess that nobody noticed that I did a complete 180. I started by teasing the entire notion but ended UP in full support of whatever gets ya through the night.

    I like your old fashioned approach...and I realise that plumbing issues are always sensitive..but doesn't anyone see how pharmaceutical giants try to manipulate us?

    rimshot,
    I should have left in my opening statement concerning Human Reproduction. We evolved to start reproducing around 13 and throughout History most Humans were dead and gone by their mid-thirties.

    We are outliving our manufacturers warranty and living twice as long as the specs were designed to last. Reproducing was the be all and end all and now that we are so far remoevd from the Nature Of Things that we are treating our mandate as more of a recreational issue.

    Once upon a time Humans risked life and limb to get a chance to sow their seeds..I suppose some are still doing that..but for most of us dazzling suburbanites this is now just another luxury item to consider purchasing and the advertising world is making into a gigantic self awareness/status symbol/psycho-vanity imperative.

    I am protesting the the idiocy of forcing this macho bullsh*t down our throats and turning it into a mandatory benchmark acquisition for aging men. We are entering a new phase in Human existance where there will be hordes of people over 65..something unthinkable 100 years ago. As a species we have never had to deal with this situation and we are still sucking at the teat of the Cult of Youth.
    These growing pains are as plain as the nose on your face but we have no idea how we are going to care for all of these people..and I will be one of them..no I won't I just wanted to say that.

    My genetics have pretty much pardoned me from participating in this revolution but I am still interested because my kids are going to be supporting all of these people.

    end of message.

    anna,
    Well you know how men are about their willys. Even Freud may have under estimated the intrinsic value of having a joystick. When 1/4 of the population are over 70 I can envision Codpieces coming back to compensate for shrinkage.

    There are a lot of Natural and Artificial substitutions but our primary fear of death and our cultural abhorrance to outliving our Natural functions is way too much for us to handle.

    This is the tip of the Iceberg. We are going to witness a tsunamic wave of Art and Literature from the aging and death industry. Fighting death to the bitter end and Sex will be a central issue because we need to convince ourselves that we are viable specimans..let's not talk about dying with dignity let's pretend that we're 40 years younger and ignore the D word.
    It drives me crazy!

    OK I've calmed down a bit and let me just say that we are on the brink of discovering and celebrating the full potential of our lives for as long as possible..
    and that it is the most wonderful moment in Time to have ever been a Human.
    That's better.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hee hee -- you really are back. I sure missed your take on the world.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, but I'd just like to know what there could be about my personal email address that makes scores or maybe hundreds of apparently attractive, nubile young women perched at their computers around the world each year inquire if I'd like to "Add Inches!"

    Maybe what I need is a longer email address that will impress them from afar...

    ReplyDelete
  12. viagra works for women, too.

    same way. same reason. same result.

    discuss.

    ReplyDelete
  13. andrea,
    I'm still a little rusty after taking a month off but glad to be "oot and aboot"...

    why do Americans think that we say "oot and aboot?"

    Do Newfies say oot and aboot?...
    no they must say "ou-anna-abou" really fast..
    no faster than that, I mean this fast "ouannaabou"'

    Paul,
    HA HA!! Good one.
    Well my son the long and short of it is, that it's not the size of your Blog, it's how you use it!

    first nations,
    Shut-UP!
    No Way!

    Now that you menshinnit I read that some((hic))where too..sorry I'm having a few drinkee-poos ((hic))on a Saturday night..Hey I never noticed that the root word of Saturday is TURD((hic)) not Saturn...Ha HA that's awesum.


    oya Vi-aghurrrrrah an wimin?
    ain't that 'cause a lady's ((hic))clamatoruss is made the same as a feller's little feller((hic))...
    'cept the clamatoruss gots no veno-occlusive func((hic)tion wooohoo!

    How many pwoints do I g((hic)) do I get?

    ReplyDelete
  14. grumblot11:26 p.m.

    mj may have something there- dealing with fourteen (ouch!) hours
    of rigid enthusiasm is really the
    least of all issues here (assuming
    that no life-threatening conditions
    apply). girls, are you ready to face the onslaught, fully attired in heavy weather gear? there are storms, and then there are schittstorms... valentino is as likely to turn a blind eye to such distractions.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I was going to write something thoughtfula dn serious but I got distracted with the last photographs.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ahh, the Internet is a wonderful thing. Until I got an email account, I never realised how many people wanted me to have a bigger penis. Now, they tell me every day.

    ReplyDelete
  17. bam bam...hemm...this is sad...i cant relate to this...well...hahaha...I dont know...its scary and funny at the same time...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I can honestly say i have never seen a viagra advert. I don't think English guys want to be told that there may be a time when they just can't do the one thing that keeps them going through 365 days of freezing cold and torrential rain. It'd scare the hell out of them, poor things.

    ReplyDelete
  19. grumbologist4:11 p.m.

    note to gordie- i'm not so sure that youre besieged on the basis of your rig. most of the ads i've
    seen talk about "enhancing that
    certain part of the male anatomy",
    but they're actually talking about
    one's Pineal gland, or maybe, the
    occipital lobe. Wherever the clues
    get stored, i suspect.

    ReplyDelete
  20. 64 may well possibly be the time of our lives!

    I guess viagra is there for the people that may need it, which is nice. I can't say I've seen the ads.

    Totally agree on getting priorities right in (any) older age, long live the mattress dance. Great way to start the day, end it and share the love in between.:)
    Pam

    ReplyDelete
  21. Maybe you should consider selling it to Indians? Not that they need much. Our population is already exploding!

    I had to say this to make conversation.

    Maybe I am getting senile. I am not yet anywhere near 60!!

    Maybe it is you...your post..

    *grinning maliciously*

    PS: I need that cup of coffee!

    ReplyDelete
  22. BTW just caught a glimpse of Paul McCartney dancing with Renee Zellwegger? He is 64yo right? ish anyway; he is so cute, I think I might have a bit of a crush on him, if I was single I would happily go out with him, I have a question though, what happens if the viagra doesn't wear off?

    Stock up on really baggy pants? Go swimming in icey cold water? Have lots of sleepovers with lots of women at once? Make sure the rest of the town takes viagra too, so all the blokes look alike :) Imagine riding on that train into work. Oops, sorry. Aaaaah.

    Pam

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think women should be the real 'VIAGRA' for men :)

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Keshi - women should inspire men, and do, but Viagra is for the man who feels inspired but can't get the bits to do his / her bidding.

    Sienna - he gets what's called a priapism. It sounds like fun but his blood goes stale and he shrivels up like a little chorizo.

    grumbologist - I would love some stimulants for my brain but I'm afraid the emails I get are definitely aimed at the other end of the spine.

    The really scary ones have a diagram from a medical textbook, showing the affected part looking like it's been filleted and about to be thrown on a barbecue.

    fathorse - If that was the only thing that kept me going in bad weather, I certainly wouldn't be living in Devon. I'd have to move to somewhere a lot warmer!

    ghost particle - scary and funny at the same time sounds like an fair and accurate description of male genitalia....

    ReplyDelete
  25. gromblotsky,
    The real King of Schwing is Cialis which supposedly keeps your hard drive on standby for UP to 36 hours!! They call it Le Weekender.

    ces,
    Those pics pretty much summed up the whole post...I liked them because everybody looked so happy!

    gordie,
    I know, I know..but it is still better than getting emails telling you that you are the biggest prick that they have ever met.

    ghosty,
    I hear nervous laughter...we are reluctant to come to terms with any change in our bodies. When you are a young boy it is common to have a boner for 36 hours. That's why it is so mystifying for us to have to give the little fella a helping hand after a lifetime of service.

    fathorse,
    I had no idea that this topic was so hush hush in the UK. I would have thought that there were bowls of this stuff strategically placed about the House Of Lords.
    If I had to endure 364 days of grey, wet, British gloom I would get the Viagra implants.

    grumbly,
    Ha! You crack me up...suggesting that males can 'store' clues...pffft!

    sienna,
    You're preaching to the choir sister.

    gautami,
    Actually my post was a little shorter than usual...

    ((coyote howls in the distance))

    I don't know about India, but they should definitely sell it in China so that they could stop chopping up Tigers, Rhinos, Gorillas, Sharks and Bears and grinding them up into schwing medicine.

    sienna,
    Sir Paul is still the cute one eh?

    Most of those elderly gentleman walking around at half mast WANT you to notice! It is the modern day equivalent of wearing a codpiece. Mucho Macho!

    keshi,
    I wish that I could say what I am thinking...

    gordie,
    Well done..please do go on...

    ReplyDelete
  26. Not hush hush so much as meh, I think :P

    ReplyDelete
  27. At last! Someone who has the word "meh" in their vocabulary. What does it mean? And how is it pronounced? (I imagine a nanny goat noise.)

    ReplyDelete
  28. viagra is the shizznit. cialis is just distracting. (remember, i speak from the female viewpoint, as someone who happily misuses prescription drugs.) when viagra first came out guys were passing the stuff around like after dinner mints out here. apparently everyones doctor got boxcarloads of free samples and they gave them out like lollipops. my husband would come home from work with a handfull of different little sample packets the guys were handing around and say 'this is getting kind of embarrassing'. hell yes i tried one.

    DANG

    ReplyDelete
  29. I read that those pills cause hearing loss now as well as the other side-effects like elevated blood pressure to dangerous levels - to me, a boner just isn't worth it. BUT, I have a really great appreciation for toys if my honey can't do it for me. ^^

    ReplyDelete
  30. fathorse,
    meh..whatever.

    gordie,
    meh..whatever.

    first nations,
    Do tell...

    Those were the days my friend
    We thought they'd never end
    We'd @#$% and @#$%
    forever and a day

    We'd live the life we'd choose
    We'd @#$% and never lose
    For we were sprung and sure to have our way

    la lalala lala

    tidalgrrrl,
    Pardon me..could you speak up?
    HUH?
    My blood pressure is already at giraffic levels, 280/180, so I should prolly cut back on the ((head explodes))

    ReplyDelete
  31. oh fork this was funny h.e.!!!
    where in the hell did you find those pictures!!?!
    bucking frilliant- i read it twice i enjoyed it so much!

    ReplyDelete
  32. HAHAHAHA....man....what if the boner comes every morning...man...:D

    ReplyDelete
  33. first nations, tidalgrrrl,
    are we talking about women taking viagra here? Sounds most interesting. Friends of mine experimented with husband and wife both taking the blue pill and tell me that she got extremely jiggy on it.

    ReplyDelete
  34. gordie: oh yes indeed. its extremely inspiring. i had to change into sweat pants. too much seam in the jeans. ahem.
    its not something i'd do on a regular basis, though, because it's kind of an aggressive drug blood-pressure-wise. makes your heart hammer, and i'm not a young woman any more. but its great for the occasional mid-afternoon, 'we're on vacation so what the hell, it's a rented room' barn burner!

    ReplyDelete
  35. angel,
    I am delighted that you see the humor in it...I realise that it is a sensitive issue but if you step back and look at it in a historical context..that being that we seem to have over-evolved in this area ...it is funny.

    ghosty,
    When is the last time that you woke up without morning wood? HELLO!

    gordie,
    As the old saying goes...
    What is good for 'the Goose'
    is worth having 'a Gander'.

    first nations,
    This girl-schwing talk is what inquiring minds need to know. Good heavens if this information ever gets out to the great unwashed the entire system will come to a halt..er...not.

    I am a huge supporter of equal rights and I think that Virginia Slims needs to hook up with Viagra.
    It's time to revamp and dust off the old "You've Come A Long Way Baby!" campaign featuring a winking Mini Me model.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Dont let this happen to you

    ReplyDelete
  37. Well, why not slip into something more comfortable? Like denial...

    ReplyDelete
  38. gordie,
    My Word!
    To paraphrase Brian Wilson..
    "God only knows where I'd be with-out it?"

    ghosty,
    Tut Tut Tut, now you are the King of de-Nile.

    gordie,
    Denial is a satin sheet for the soul...mmmm...cozy.

    ReplyDelete
  39. ur 50! oh man...that is so cool...50 and still da master of da blog world. You rock.

    BTW....got I a proper Halloween post up now...what would your wear for Halloween?

    ReplyDelete
  40. seems like u didnt u'stand what I wrote HE..lol! I meant Women should somehow get their men 'working' instead of Vigra having to do that :)

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  41. ghosty,
    EH?
    What did you say you young whipper snapper...SPEAK UP!

    When I was your age we had to get up at 3 in the morning to milk the cows and collect the eggs before we walked 13 miles uphill through a blizzard, even in summer, to a one room school and my Pappy was off fightin' the Kaiser so I became the man of the house and even though I was only 14 years old at the time I had to hunt buffalo...

    ZZZZZZZZZ

    so that Mama could make Winter coats for my 9 sisters and 12 brothers who was all younger than me...ya you young fellers has got it so damn easy...
    now what did you want to ask me?

    keshi,
    Oh Dear!
    ((Ahem))
    Well then...
    sometimes the mind is willing but the plumbing is weak and the vaso dilators need a little tweaking...

    I know it sounds like you should be able to do that manually but the problem is getting all of that blood to stay put...
    er...
    if you can convince the brain that you won't be needing it for the next 14 hours or so then it's off to the races and Bob's yer uncle.

    Better living through chemistry.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Big love to keshi for the positive attitude. Enthusiasm is so much more exciting than expectation. As our host explains, it's really not your responsibility if the tail bone isn't connected to the backbone, but you do your thang, girls, I'm all in favour of that.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh my goodness I do feel sorry for men -having to deal with that appendage their whole life. That lump of fleshy stuff or whatever it is(I can't remember,at this point,what they look like).

    ReplyDelete
  44. gordie,
    My dear learned friend and colleague, Please try to restrain yourself from using scientificky terminology such as 'tail bone'...unless of course we are discussing the 63cm/24in baculum (weiner bone) of the adult, male, Walrus.

    This liberal sprinkling of doctorspeak, and other forms of mumb-jumbo, will only confound the general public. Let us build a bridge of trust and understanding with our patients, by maintaining a strict observance of using the vernacular, layman's term: boner.


    lee,
    It is enough to make a grown man cry ((sniff)) to receive empathy from a member of the opposing sex.

    Your apt description of the John Thomas as a "fleshy appendage or whatever it is", belies a deep understanding of the complicated lives that we men lead having to serve two masters.

    Should you desire to refresh your memory and see "what they look like", you are in luck.

    Oddly enough, the vast majority of sites on the world wide web are dedicated to professionals who uunselfishly demonstrate various aspects of human reproduction.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Gordie - Meh is a short, sharp expression of (often sulky) indifference. It is 'eh' with an 'm' on the front. It is wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
  46. "at what point is enough enough?" I will consider this, dear Mr Escape, and report back. . .

    :-)

    . . .in the meantime, some of this seems quite appropriate:

    [Barbra:]
    It's raining, it's pouring
    My sexlife is boring me to tears, after all these years
    [Donna:]
    No sunshine, no moonlight, no stardust, no sign of romance
    We don't stand a chance

    [Barbra:]
    I've always dreamed I found the perfect lover
    But he turned out to be like every other man
    Our love, our love

    [Both:]
    Raining (raining)
    Pouring (pouring)
    There's nothing left for us here
    And we won't waist another tear

    [Donna:]
    If you've had enough, don't put up with his stuff, don't you do it

    [Barbra:]
    If you've had your fill, get the check pay the bill, you can do it

    [Donna:]
    Tell him to just get out,

    [Barbra:]
    Nothing left to talk about

    [Donna:]
    Pack his raincoat show him out

    [Both:]
    Just look him in the eye and simply shout:
    Enough is enough
    I can't go on, I can't go on no more no
    Enough is enough
    I want him out, I want him out that door now

    Enough is enough
    Enough is enough
    That's enough

    [Donna:]
    If you've reached the end, don't pretend that is right when it's over

    [Barbra:]
    (it's over)
    If the feeling is gone don't think twice just move on, get it over

    [Donna:]
    (over, over)

    [Both:]
    Tell him to just get out, say it clearly, spell it out:
    Enough is enough is enough
    I can't go on, I can't go on no more no
    Enough is enough is enough
    I want him out, I want him out that door now

    Enough is enough
    Enough is enough
    That's enough

    [Barbra:]
    I've always dreamed to find the perfect lover,
    But he turns out to be like every other man
    Our love (I had no choice from the start)
    Our love (I've gotta listen to my heart)
    Our love (Tearing us apart)

    Enough is enough is enough
    I can't go on, I can't go on no more no
    Enough is enough is enough
    I want him out, I want him out that door now

    Enough is enough
    Enough is enough
    That's enough

    [Both:]
    No more tears (No more tears)
    No more tears (No more tears)
    No more tears (No more tears)
    No more tears (No more tears)
    Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough
    I've had it, you've had it he's had it, we've had is

    [Donna:]
    I always dreamed I find the perfect lover,

    [Barbra:]
    But he turned out to be like every other man

    [Both:]
    I had no choice from the start
    I've gotta listen to my heart
    Tearing us apart

    Enough is enough is enough
    I can't go on, I can't go on no more no
    Enough is enough is enough
    I want him out, I want him out that door now

    Goodbye mister, goodbye, goodbye mister
    Goodbye sugar

    It's raining, it's pouring,
    There's nothing left for us here
    And we won't waist another tear

    No more tears
    Is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough
    Is enough!


    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  47. So, you are old, bald, unable to walk let alone go to the bathroom on your own, but hey, don't you feel like a youngster now that you can get it up again?

    ReplyDelete
  48. Have you heard of the burns unit doctor who gave one of his patients Viagra to keep the sheets off his burnt belly?

    ReplyDelete
  49. i rest my case Master. If i woke up at 3...wait if I can wake up at 3...I would have been God by now.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Oh my dearest of dear HEs... you had me at naughty bits and lost me with the picture of the too-ecstatic-or-should-I-say-orgasmic geriatrics...

    MY EYES! MY EYES!

    Loverboy will neve get laid again... woe is me!

    *le sigh*

    Which is to say that if you affect a bohemian so, you are doing something right! Brilliant post though SO not kidding about the damn geriatrics...

    ReplyDelete
  51. My virgin eyes! ;)

    You're absolutely right! There is nothing better than making love. Excluding winning the lottery or a really great hand at poker ;) I kid. Those commercials are strange.

    This drug has changed lives. I want to have that passion and physical contact when I'm older. Nothing else makes you feel so alive. I hope I'm just as frisky!

    ReplyDelete
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