Thursday, October 18, 2007


This past Monday I presented several awesome ideas to my Publisher. The object of my visit was to get a huge cash advance so that I could sit on my ass and write the Great-Canadian-Novel or whatever.

My initial thought was to cash in on the huge success of the documentary Grizzly Man. Grizzly Man was the true story of Timothy Treadwell who lived unarmed with Alaskan Grizzly Bears for over a decade before inevitably being devoured by one of them.

My version, POLAR MAN, is a fictional account of Bartholomew Stankevickius. He was a brave soul who was inspired to replicate Treadwell’s success getting back to Nature albeit not as part of the food chain…anyway, Stankevickious, his friends called him Stanky, went to live unarmed amongst the Polar Bears who congregate right here in Northern Manitoba. The Polar Bears congregate in large numbers near Churchill while they wait for the Pack Ice to form.

Unfortunately Stanky was unaware that Polar Bears are the largest, most ferocious, terrestrial, carnivore on the planet. They are totally predictable and will attack and eat anything, anywhere, anytime. Unfortunately he entered his Igloo with a bag of Big Macs from the McDonalds in town. The first Bear to reach him was only 3 miles away. Instead of surviving for 13 summers like Treadwell, Stanky only survived for 13 minutes.

My publisher just sort of stared at me and lit a cigarette.
I said, “Well I guess it is more of a short story!”

My next great idea was for creating a ‘scientificky’ 100% All Natural Diet Book for the popular ‘Self Help’ section.

I recently discovered the easiest way in the universe to count calories. Grizzly Bears in Yellowstone National Park, (again with the bears) climb up into the alpine meadows at the end of autumn to stuff themselves silly with Moths. It is the final item on their menu before hibernating.

“Fascinating Donn, so where is this going?” she asked.

Here is the kicker. The nutritional value of each Moth is exactly one calorie! ONE CALORIE!
You and I know how hard it is to keep track of your daily caloric intake? What if you just ate Moths?
“You do the Moth ”,
I said in a hilarious outbreak of tomfoolery.

There was an uncomfortable pause that was broken by a distant ((cough)) that came from somewhere down the hallway.

Next up, my superb idea for producing a non-illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.

My publisher suggested, with a hint of irony, that people only bought the Kama Sutra to leer at the pictures. She informed me that the Chiropractic Association of America was releasing a special edition of the Kama Sutra just in time for the holidays.

I suddenly caved and suggested perhaps watering down the original risqué, exotic, illustrations of Olympic level acrobatic feats of ‘contortionist coupling’ using those wooden model thingamabobs that they use in the muscle relaxant commercials.

My publisher stared at me for a few minutes and then started fiddling with her stapler so I dropped a bomb on her.

I thought that it would be a huge success in places like Afghanistan, and Iran, where gay and lesbian children have been saddled with few choices other than the homophobic/pro-hetero classics like Dick & Jane.

“You and I both know that they are totally cool about being gay in the Middle East. On the evening News you always see those young men prancing around the burning rubble with their arms around each other.”

My publisher then tried to explain that Iranian President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had just recently enlightened an audience of American University students with the fact that there simply aren’t any Homosexuals in Iran. This time she just came right out and said that it was the worst idea that she had heard in her 37 years in the business.

Sheesh Kapeesh!
Finally I had to pull out the big guns and laid out my plan for developing a gigantic coffee table sized book that capitalized on the Scrapbooking craze. Instead of Scrapbooking this is CRAP-Booking!

I told my publisher that the average Human Earthling lives for 67 years and that it would be “totally cool” if the book actually weighed 67 pounds and cost $67. For that they receive 24,455 blank pages. One for each miserable, tortured, day of their tedious, meaningless, unfulfilling Life.
Think of all the fun that they will have cutting, pasting, and documenting all of the crap that they put up with!

You might not believe this but I had a little brainstorm at that very instant and I just blurted out,
“Hey we could call it DEAR F@#$*N DIARY!”

My publisher reached for the bottle that she keeps in the left hand drawer. She rolled her eyes and took a big swig right out of the bottle..which was quite impressive considering that it was only 9:15 on a Monday morning. Her head slowly slumped down on to her desk and she started mumbling something to the effect that people in Botswana would only need a $39 version and that Swedes would need to shell out $79.

To which I replied, “Cool, yeah Whatever?”

I stared at her for several moments until the whimpering turned into more of a wailing noise and then I began to slowly back away and whispered,
"Listen, I've got another thing that I have to be at so I'll see you next week".


  1. So how's that 'only posting on the weekends' thing going? :)

    1. There has been long standing controversy over which bear is the largest carnivore. Although, this would appear to be an easy question, it is not.

    The Polar bear is the largest in speicies. The male stands about 4 feet high at the shoulder, and about 8 feet long, with an average weight of about 1000 pounds. Some have been recorded to be as large as 1600 pounds.

    However, the Alaskan Brown bear, particularly those known as the Kodiaks, are found to be, 4 1/2 feet high at the shoulder, and 8-9 feet in length, with an average weight of 800 and 1200 pounds. Some have been found to weigh as much as 1500 pounds.

    The Grizzly, as a species, has a larger head than the Polar bear.

    2. 24,455 sheets of multipurpose copy paper would stand over eight feet tall (that's about 249 cm to you).

  2. The Moth Diet. I loves it!! :D But how would that work within my current vegetarian bounds? Does it count as meat if it's really just goo covered dusty moths?
    What about moth stew? What would I put in it besides moth juice?

    Ew. I was going for 'teh funny' there and ended up getting grossed out before I could finish that thought.


  3. Rimshot,
    I will be unavailable tomorrow so I posted today.

    Now to the matter at hand:
    My Word!
    Thank You for the spirited, stalwart, defense of American Interests. Allow me to 'moot' you in the knackers with the time honored 6 of one half dozen argument.

    The Wiki says that "Polar bears and Kodiak bears are the world's largest land carnivores, with most adult males weighing 660-1320 lbs. The largest polar bear on record was a huge male, allegedly weighing 2,200 lbs shot at Kotzebue Sound in northwestern Alaska in 1960."

    Now I realise that a large part of participating in the American Experience is an insufferable and insatiable need to have the biggest everything.

    However, the real 800 pound gorilla in the room is that Alaska is actually a part of Canada that the Ruskies illegally sold to Uncle Sam in 1867. You all know in your heart of hearts that this is true.

    Canada, being a passive/aggressive Nation, responded to this blatant land grab by legalizing Marijuana, Same Sex Marriage, and vacationing in Mexico instead of Disneyland!

    Anyway the entire 'Alaska thing' means that you fellers don't actually have ANY bears, Polar OR Kodiak, North of the 49th.

    So nyeh!

    I am afraid that I can offer no solution to your quandry. It might be possible to gently lick Moths but I would have no way of estimating the caloric value of such an endeavor.

    Actually I had no idea that vegetarians would even be overweight? Silly me.

  4. I don't give a hoot about Americans having the biggest anything, good Sir. (For the ump-teenth time, I am NOT American)

    I just have a dislike for those white furred seal eaters and the furor they bring in the form of whining 'Greens' and tinsle-town liberals. The last thing we need is for their kind (the bears, not the Clinton-lovers) to be falsely grabbing even more limelight in the form of a "We're Number One" campaign.

    And what about the 8' tall coffee table book?

  5. Funny you should mention Dick & Jane.

    The first word I learned in school was "Dick."

    It's come in handy.

  6. "his friends called him Stanky"... I loved that line.

  7. Absolute ROTFLMAO!!

    Am in tears of laughter here, this is so funny, I can't say which is my favorite at the moment, toss up between the moths (well we can always lick them) and the @#*##, I can't choose...this is hilarious


  8. rimtrotsky,
    Sorry, SORRY.
    I apologise for my presumption...

    I know all too well that the Greenies are going to make this Maneater a symbol of global warming..
    even though their habitat was once a tropical swamp and inland sea at one point in time...
    hey I just realised that Global Warming is going to put the Newfie Baby Seal Whacking Industry in jeopardy!

    ..and Alaska is part of Canada.

    and OK, look, seriously, I am loving the idea of an 8 foot tall coffee table book, that sounds like good value.

    I learned DICK in school too!

    You warm my heart by embracing the nuance of Stanky. He was quite a guy.
    Be the Bear Big Guy..Be The Bear.

    If only my publisher shared your insightful sense of humor ((sigh)) Nevertheless, I am but a simple storyteller-er and I am fulfilled if you received even the tiniest bit of joy from my work.

  9. Darn the publisher, you can pull it off you know. Write and self-publish !
    I do like to read your posts as most others do.

    Donn, though I down played it, I did miss you while you were gone. As you said, it has been a long time since I have know you in the blog world.

    I do value your comments to my posts because sometimes you see things differently from what I had intended. It gives me much food for thought. In a way, you have helped me strive better.

    Enough said!

    BTW, I was not miffed about you using my portrait. I kind of wanted to get under that very cool skin of yours by pretending to be angry. Being a female and all that, you know..

    Thanks for your comment on my post and for what you said in the previous post.

    I suppose I can give you another hug before Christmas..:D


  10. too funny! but i think someone beat you to that particular kama sutra idea. i bought my kama sutra because i was curious, but it was all rather technical, culturally and historically speaking. i made sure the pictures were all indian artwork, because it made the experience do i call it...authentic. :)

  11. **“You do the Moth ”,

    HAHAHA I loved that!!! :):)

    Kama Sutra? hmmm Keshi is the specialist in that area...only book experience LOL!


  12. I saw Grizzly Man and was extremely moved by Timothy's demise. I would have been even more distraught if I'd known that all he'd needed was a delivery of moths.

  13. gautami,
    For whatever reason you are one of the few people out here who can rattle the bars of my cage and make me run to the corner. In my previous incarnation I was always emailing WW and asking him if he thought that you were really mad at me..and he would always so no, she is just teasing you..and his reply would usually mention that I am an idiot HA!

    I have always been thrilled to count you as one of my oldest cyber-friends because you are REAL writer and you challenge me to temper my natural proclivity to write mental floss..not that there is anything wrong with that!
    Thank you gautami.
    xxx ooo

    Who among us has not nervously leafed through the Kama Sutra in a dark corner of a bookstore and thought to themselves "OMG I could never do is she supposed to?....does it even bend that far?...No Way, maybe in Zero Gravity on the space shuttle."

    Illyria I know that you are much more mature than I and that your approach to the science of arousal and captivation would be an authentic examination and appreciation of the Ancients depositioning a millenia worth of information on the serious subject of gettin' bizzay!

    You and your fancy book learnin'! I am not sure if any of those positions are still possible for modern sedentary humans.

    I suppose that many of 30 pretzelian positions could be modified and transformed back into the gravity friendly and State supported missionary as long as you held your arms out at a funny angle and looked sideways.

    I loved it too. You couldn't help but cheer Timothy on even though you knew that he should have been on medication.
    Our disconnect from Nature becomes self evident early on and you know that he should NOT be there and that those majestic animals do not deserve to turned into rugs.

    I don't think that we will ever find a balance between protecting large carnivores and humans from themselves and each other because we were always competitors.

    One Calorie per Moth.

  14. wow, thats an amazing come back mate...I guess the moth thing could work, LOL

  15. I like the crapbook personally

    does it come with stickers? I love stickers. . .

    (the KS picture reminded me of the puppet sex scene in Team America - I almost slipped a disc during that scene, I laughed so hard; blasted puppets, getting it when I wasn't. . .)

    enjoy your weekend


    ps who is this Jennifer lady? and do you really want us to email her

  16. You're such a bozo.

    First of all, you couldn't survive 13 seconds in the Great White North, let alone 13 minutes.

    Second, I think your post many moons ago on sex and your washing machine was much more interesting than kama sutra...your publisher would have had an orgasm hearing about it.

    No, these are all illusory ideas for a book. Just publish selected posts from your blog, as we've discussed.

    People would laugh, then they'd cry. Then they'd think. Then they'd shake their heads and laugh.

    I have several pictures of you that could illustrate this novella. Just ask. Or have your publisher ask.

    Just remember...I need to be your editor. No one else fully understands you.

  17. Whats Up???
    I have been gone a while but I am glad to come back and see some more great posts for you. I wish I had your mind because I dont think I would ever stop writing. I thoroughly enjoy reading everything you write.
    Good to be back, Finally!!

  18. I didn't think there was anything wrong with any of your ideas.

    We are over run by non understanding ,can't see outta the box people!

  19. Any time I start to think I'm funny enough to make a commercial success of it, I should read your work and return to humble. You're killing me here!

    I think the Crapbook could work, with a little work. You might have to let go of the "every day" idea, and just sell it as "volume 1". The instructions could make the sale, but the buyer should be cautioned that this is a life choice. If he/she is not prepared to share smears of spilled food, gas station receipts, old band-aids, and other minutia with the houseguests, there really is no point in buying it. This idea only works if one works at it after all.

    I think the Kama Sutra was done with Barbie and Ken.

  20. withinsky,
    The only way that I would consider living with Polar bears would be while watching them from the inside of a Panzer Tank.

    Have you ever seen those huge Tundra Buggies that the tourists travel in to go watch the bears..they can almost reach the windows 12 feet off the ground. They can run 40 kms/hr on feet the size of your head and their stomachs can hold 150 lbs of food. No thank you.

    Howzit goin? There is probably a very logical explanation and accompanying clinical term for the way my brain treats me.

    Personally I suspect revenge. I think that it has a lot to do with an incident that occurred over 30 years ago when I used my head to break a sudden unannounced fall on a concrete floor..both of my hands were occupied and unavailable. Witnesses claim that I didn't spill a single drop!

    Finally the voice of reason crying in the wilderness. You don't happen to have a publishing house in your vast holdings? Perhaps you could get one of your people to check the list and get back to me.

    You may be right. Can you imagine what that book would be like if you actually vented every single would never happen because by day 3 you would start complaing about having to fill out that F#%$@n book and you would just pour gas on it and throw a match!

    My guess is that houseguests, especially the perpetually famished and broke lingering type, would never be allowed to view it because there would be so much crap written about them.

  21. LOL, but that non illustrated karma sutra with the wooden art dolls - it's been done! No kidding, when me and my cousin were about eleven we found a stash of dirty books/magazines in the attic and one was a thin hardcover volume of exactly THAT.

    Go figure (so to speak).

  22. Sheesh. Your publisher needs some help thinking outside the box. I'd be happy to collaborate with you on a kids' book (you write, I illustrate). I think it could be, to use your vocab, f%@#$!ing awesome. One of my kids' favourites was Everyone Poops -- a classic that I'm sure was rejected by the publishers more than once. When we're finished we'll just blackmail your publisher. Publishing history: watch out!

  23. PS Forget the manakins. GI Joe and Barbie are where it's at. My brother (who lives and thinks outside the box) and I had hours of fun creating sordid scenes with our uncomplaining dolls.

  24. paul,
    Aha! So you found out when you were 11 eh? Do you remember the initial horror of conceptualizing the human reproductive process when you're a kid...
    Mom let Dad do what?

    When you're right you're right!
    I vivdly recall how my 'Nazi Stormtrooper' Joes were awful and disrespected the "boundaries" of both Barbie and Skipper.

    However, since Ken was such a wimp and didn't have the right outfit, and my other Gi Joes were so self consumed and useless, (parading around in their fancy schmancy West Point Cadet outfit), that it would take Captain Action or Johnny West to rectify the situation with extreme prejudice, and save the day!

  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

  26. The moths are a very good idea, as long as they are chocolate covered moths.
    Kama Sutra? People pretzels... chocolate covered too...just for good measure.
    Bears? I don't like bears, well I do in pictures. I like spiders and snakes much better when up close and personal. I can out run them!
    Crap Book? That is called an Artist's Journal...fancy name for KRAP-BOOKING.La-Te-Da, little finger crooked and all!
    "FARIQ AND ZAHANE" reminded me of this animation...which I'm very ashamed to admit, I liked. I think you will like it too, without the guilt around the frame that I feel... *giggle*

    These ideas of yours are wonderful!!!! Tears of laughter... you have added 6 months to my life. :)

  27. Anonymous5:29 p.m.

    oh I love crapbooking. but isn't that what a blog is for?

    We used to make scrap books on holiday. We bought massive ones for each holiday and only ended up filling about three pages. We also had to use native glue and sellotape, which never worked, especially in France.

  28. possible but fatal.


  29. You're a very disturbed individual, HE. I hope you know that.


  30. Am I the only one who thinks that these are very interesting reads during a rainy day and I would buy the book if only I could get a smile. I think the book on Fariq and Zahane will be a big hit but soon you may find yourself hiding like Salman Rushdie.

  31. ldahl,
    HA! Love it. That animated video is fantastic and scary..great morality play..little buggers.
    I hope that things are getting back to some level of normalcy, you have been through quite an ordeal with Mother Nature.

    OK I'll bite..why doesn't the native glue and sellotape work in France? It's not as though the natives aren't tacky.

    Yeah but what a way to go!

    How was your special trip?
    You should know that I think that I am completely normal and that the rest of the world is disturbed.

    You know what? I had that Rushdie feeling just writing this..
    one cannot help but notice that Salman's surname consists of 'rush' & 'die'.

  32. okay...i laughed, rolled on the floor and shouted at 2.47 am here. In the morning, probably my neigbor will kick my ass for waking up her baby. :D you are so good HE...har har har.

    I personally like polar bear and the Iranian home boys. So maybe, next week you can give the fariq And Zahane and traveling polar bear with a great house in the desert. They will be reading the non illustrated version of kama sutra because nudity is forbidden in Iran and they will search for moths in the...ermm...desert. In the end of the novel, there will be an equal number of crapbook space to the page numbers for readers to write what they thought of the book. :D

  33. You owe me a new keyboard after reading that!

  34. ghosty,
    I love how you have tied up all of the loose ends and created a sense of urgency to just throw the whole bloody thing into one pot.
    You should be my agent!

    I'm afraid to ask? Did you pound the keyboard in frustration because of my 5th grade grammar?
    *bites lip...

  35. crapbooking... mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaa! i love it!

  36. If this is you only posting at weekends, then I love it.

    Fariq & Zahane would be a kickin' cult hit all over, I suspect. But I prefer the You do the Moth diet book. Do we then get to hibernate like the bears? Sounds good to me.

  37. angel,
    Of course crapbooking wouldn't work for all of those people who have the 'perfect' life...especially the ones who flaunt them.
    Oh well, you can't please everybody.

    Thank Goodness you're onboard..I was concerned that it might be too Fareaky!

    Love the groovy avatar!
    btw Miss Trails, I do hope that you will invite me into your blog?

  38. do i love the crapbooking? utterly beautiful, coppens.

    'you do the moth' very nearly made you an honorary member of the Flatbutt tribe, dude.

  39. i go by the hour...but a trip to manitoba might change it to free..

  40. Mais oui, except you have to let me into the secret of your email address. How about you send me one to That goes for anyone else who's curious, too.

  41. I thought you quit- glad you didn't!
    Those book ideas are brilliant, especially #5...that should be published!

  42. I do indeed. Especially certain things my cousin and I had no idea anybody could ever possibly want to do for any reason.

    But that little book's what started the sexual revolution here in the states so they say...

  43. first nations,
    Dare I ask why and what my duties would entail as a member of the Flatbutt tribe? It's a good thing right?

    You're on!
    BUT, if I dragged your little tropical butt over here in the middle of Winter you might change your mind?

    Will do. My email is on my profile.

    I could not find a suitable 12 step program for quitting Blogging and I am being monitored by a behavior modification forum. So far so good. I have figured out how to electronically ditch them and cover my browser activity...hee hee.

    Are we talking about the Kinsey Report? It doesn't really matter how we find out, it is how we process it that counts...and many of us choose to ignore how we got here and let sleeping dogs lay.

  44. keshtar,
    One can only hope that their exit from this veil of tears will be so much fun! It certainly beats the way most of us go.

  45. I remember the washing machine post hehe

    Keep up with the ideas, Donn! You'll be selling moths to celebrities in no time.

  46. not so good with cold weather...i like them...but then when it really comes i get all tight and sick. :(

  47. HE, the trip was wonderful thank you. And yes, the rest of the world IS disturbed... by you! :)

  48. I've added you to the Rat-Pack.
    I♥the way your mind works:))))

  49. You said you were going!!!Fibber!
    You were over at WW's place, so I came here on the off chance. And now I've kinked my neck, laughing.
    Crapbooking/artist's journal sounds good.

  50. I think what President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was trying to say was that in Iran, men might have sex with one another, but they don't get emotionally involved.

    How about a book about how to form a gay relationship with a polar bear so that it doesn't kill you? They're male, they're totally predictable. Should be a teachable skill. And I'm pretty sure that wouldn't touch any raw nerves in the Middle East.

  51. christine,
    Hey you. Most of my clientele are watching their homes incinerate in California. Why do people build there? Sure it's beautiful but I was watching Jamie Curtis talking on the news about how reckless it is to construct mansions in an annual fire zone...those insurance premiums must be out of this world.

    Have you ever experienced a REAL Winter? You actually get quite used to it, which is a miracle in and of itself. It would be fun to see you get all bundled up and go for a walk on a sunny afternoon when it is 38 degrees below zero F.
    It's like being an Astronaut on the Moon..except there is Oxygen.

    How is our Aidan doing? It must have been marvelous to see him. You can tick a few days off the calendar..hope that you are keeping busy and have your eyes on the horizon. I fully intend on disturbing everyone else..if I have to put up with all of these bats in my belfry then so do you.

    *holds hands over ears like Quasimodo and screams "The BELLS!"

    dahli lama,
    Thank You. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time and I am thrilled to hook up.
    I am quite enamored by your usage of a symbol ((s♥gh)) in the comment section..a little extra effort warms the cockles of one's heart...not to mention the fact that you intimate that my mind works *blush*

    btw:How is everything coming along with the aftermath of your summerus horribulus?

    I missed the action. In the rw we could not possibly gain access to so many bright, funny, caring people unless we were famous or wealthy...I still cherish my opportunity to interact in this so called 'Cult of the Amateur' Set...

    honestly how do you italicize and change fonts to bold in the comment section anyway...

    where was yeah I really was going to stop but these cyber-relationships have taken on a life of their own and I've been around long enough to realise a good thing when I see it.

    Who are you that is so wise in the ways of Scientificky stuff? Somehow you have cut through the clutter and identified opportunities that nobody else imagined.
    Perhaps you will be so kind as to unlock your link and let me peruse your treasure chest of bon mots and out-of-the-box resolutions.
    Thank You.

  52. Mr Escape the delightful gordie is one of my most cleverest friends ever

    a total guy: a guy's guy and a woman's guy all locked up in a polar bear body with a brain larger than the average large planet

    he only joined the blogging malarky to comment on my site in an amusing and riskee way. . .

    I don't think the man has a blog (he's currently writing a PhD and a book) but d'ya know what, if he did it would be a bloody brilliant read, going by the comments he leaves all over the place and the various conversations I have had the pleasure to have with him

    it's the world's loss

  53. oh and I thought you'd find this amusing:


  54. :):)

    howdy howdy dooo?


  55. Anonymous5:24 a.m.

    "The Grizzly, as a species, has a larger head than the Polar bear. "

    The Grizzly isn't a species. Like the Kodiak, it is a sub-species of Brown Bear.

  56. It's true, your honour. I am currently on the millionth draft of my dissertation and am mired in gravitas and footnotes.

    I hope to start blogging in my own right in 2008. In the short term, ILTV's blog is my guilty pleasure. I get to feel pleasure, and she gets to feel guilty. Thank you for your encouragement.

  57. Clearly your publisher lacks a sense of humor. That might be a medical condition, but it also might just be because she's not you.

    Great blog, by the way. Very funny to read.


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