PRIAPISMIC DUMB-MEN-TIA?

Sing-a-long to the Beatles'

When I'm 64

"When I get older losing my hair,

Many years from now,

Will you still be jumping me on Valentine's?

Little blue pills and a bottle of wine!

If I'm still UP past a quarter to three,

Don't give me any-more!

Just get my old Ween-ie

Into the Emergen-cy,

When I'm stiff and sore."

Dum-Dum.

Throughout most of Human History we have evolved to reproduce and expire by our mid thirties. Sex was not just a recreational distraction it was our prime directive.

Now that we live twice as long as we were designed to we have a new predicament to contend with that our Ancestors never dreamed of..getting old.

Our Brain has somehow evolved to make us aware of our existance and therefore terrified of Death. In order to make sense of it all we have invented all sorts of wonderful afterlife scenarios to ease our souls but the the one thing that makes us really feel alive is makin' whoopee.

Originally I wanted to poke fun at those mindnumbingly idiotic Viagra commercials but apparently I failed to get my message across so this is a retraction of sorts.

Seriously, what the hell are those goofy old buggers talking about?

Have you seen these commercials?

"Mumble wrinkly minky Viagra chafe?"

"No. Mondo whammo minky flop boo boo splats!"

What the frick is that supposed to mean?

Are these silly buggers suffering from Priapismic DUMB-men-tia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Priapism

Priapismic Dumb-men-tia is a (fictional) condition that is the result of having all of the blood redirected the portion of their brain that is assigned to language and redirected down to the naughty bits.

To combat our evolutionary conundrum of outliving our best before date we have invented schwing pills to offer resurrect the dead or atleast dormant members of society.

Even if you are three days older than Kerosene you can go from this

to THIS

by simply taking the advice of some guy on TV dressed in a white lab coat (must be a Doctor) telling you that you can feel young again and enjoy a brand new boner that is yours to enjoy for the next fourteen hours. A small price to pay for temporarily losing the ability to converse in any of the 7,330 recognised languages on the planet.

Yes indeed a little poke in the whiskers is just what the TV Doctor ordered and the best way to feel young again.

Hell at that stage in life who gives a rat's ass about crap like memory, attention, language and problem solving because when you're doin' this

you feel like this again!

There that's my retraction and I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my original posting, premature extrapolation. It came across as callous, insensitive, narrow minded, and belligerent.

If I ever live long enough to put a little starch in my collar I will be buying this stuff in bulk at Costco.

FIVE IDEAS THAT MY PUBLISHER HATED

This past Monday I presented several awesome ideas to my Publisher. The object of my visit was to get a huge cash advance so that I could sit on my ass and write the Great-Canadian-Novel or whatever.

#1 POLAR MAN

My initial thought was to cash in on the huge success of the documentary Grizzly Man. Grizzly Man was the true story of Timothy Treadwell who lived unarmed with Alaskan Grizzly Bears for over a decade before inevitably being devoured by one of them.

My version, POLAR MAN, is a fictional account of Bartholomew Stankevickius. He was a brave soul who was inspired to replicate Treadwell’s success getting back to Nature albeit not as part of the food chain…anyway, Stankevickious, his friends called him Stanky, went to live unarmed amongst the Polar Bears who congregate right here in Northern Manitoba. The Polar Bears congregate in large numbers near Churchill while they wait for the Pack Ice to form.

Unfortunately Stanky was unaware that Polar Bears are the largest, most ferocious, terrestrial, carnivore on the planet. They are totally predictable and will attack and eat anything, anywhere, anytime. Unfortunately he entered his Igloo with a bag of Big Macs from the McDonalds in town. The first Bear to reach him was only 3 miles away. Instead of surviving for 13 summers like Treadwell, Stanky only survived for 13 minutes.

My publisher just sort of stared at me and lit a cigarette.
I said, “Well I guess it is more of a short story!”

#2 THE FANTASTIC MOTH-A-MATHIC DIET

My next great idea was for creating a ‘scientificky’ 100% All Natural Diet Book for the popular ‘Self Help’ section.

I recently discovered the easiest way in the universe to count calories. Grizzly Bears in Yellowstone National Park, (again with the bears) climb up into the alpine meadows at the end of autumn to stuff themselves silly with Moths. It is the final item on their menu before hibernating.

“Fascinating Donn, so where is this going?” she asked.

Here is the kicker. The nutritional value of each Moth is exactly one calorie! ONE CALORIE!
You and I know how hard it is to keep track of your daily caloric intake? What if you just ate Moths?
“You do the Moth ”,
I said in a hilarious outbreak of tomfoolery.

There was an uncomfortable pause that was broken by a distant ((cough)) that came from somewhere down the hallway.

#3 THE NON ILLUSTRATED KAMA SUTRA

Next up, my superb idea for producing a non-illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.

My publisher suggested, with a hint of irony, that people only bought the Kama Sutra to leer at the pictures. She informed me that the Chiropractic Association of America was releasing a special edition of the Kama Sutra just in time for the holidays.

I suddenly caved and suggested perhaps watering down the original risqué, exotic, illustrations of Olympic level acrobatic feats of ‘contortionist coupling’ using those wooden model thingamabobs that they use in the muscle relaxant commercials.

My publisher stared at me for a few minutes and then started fiddling with her stapler so I dropped a bomb on her.

#4 FARIQ AND ZAHANE

I thought that it would be a huge success in places like Afghanistan, and Iran, where gay and lesbian children have been saddled with few choices other than the homophobic/pro-hetero classics like Dick & Jane.

“You and I both know that they are totally cool about being gay in the Middle East. On the evening News you always see those young men prancing around the burning rubble with their arms around each other.”

My publisher then tried to explain that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had just recently enlightened an audience of American University students with the fact that there simply aren’t any Homosexuals in Iran. This time she just came right out and said that it was the worst idea that she had heard in her 37 years in the business.

Sheesh Kapeesh!

#5 CRAPBOOKING

Finally I had to pull out the big guns and laid out my plan for developing a gigantic coffee table sized book that capitalized on the Scrapbooking craze. Instead of Scrapbooking this is CRAP-Booking!

I told my publisher that the average Human Earthling lives for 67 years and that it would be “totally cool” if the book actually weighed 67 pounds and cost $67. For that they receive 24,455 blank pages. One for each miserable, tortured, day of their tedious, meaningless, unfulfilling Life. Think of all the fun that they will have cutting, pasting, and documenting all of the crap that they put up with!

You might not believe this but I had a little brainstorm at that very instant and I just blurted out,
“Hey we could call it DEAR F@#$*N DIARY!”

My publisher reached for the bottle that she keeps in the left hand drawer. She rolled her eyes and took a big swig right out of the bottle..which was quite impressive considering that it was only 9:15 on a Monday morning. Her head slowly slumped down on to her desk and she started mumbling something to the effect that people in Botswana would only need a $39 version and that Swedes would need to shell out $79.

To which I replied, “Cool, yeah Whatever?”

I stared at her for several moments until the whimpering turned into more of a wailing noise and then I began to slowly back away and whispered, "Listen, I've got another thing that I have to be at so I'll see you next week".

THE CAUSE IN COSMOLOGY
click: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cosmology

Surely by now I have convinced you there is only one (1) species of Homo Escapeons. Therefore it is time to discuss the three (3) sub-species of Escapeons.

Homo Salvapiens,
Homo Rejectus,
& Meanderthals.

How each and every Homo Escapeon behaves, interprets and reacts towards EVERYTHING in Life, all stems from their answer to one question.
Is There A God?

We can identify any & all cosmological viewpoints known to Escapeons from their answer to this one question. Every aspect of an individual’s reality, or the Meaning of Life, is merely an extension of one of these three viewpoints.

(1) Homo Salvapiens: THERE IS A GOD!
(2) Homo Rejectus: god does NOT exist!
(3) Meanderthals: There could be a God?

For instance, those who choose to believe;

(1) GOOD HEAVENS YES!
For Homo Salvapiens GOD is unquestionably and infinitesimally implicated in everything that exists in every sub-atomic particle of the entire Universe. Affirmative answers to this question may vary from peaceful, appreciative, certainty to exasperated no-brainer/any idiot can see that dogmatism.

(2) HELL NO!
Rejectus types are convinced that all gods were Escapeon inventions conceived throughout History to try to placate our natural proclivity to disdain Death, inexplicable or circumstantial Natural phenomenon and events that defied simple explanation.

(3) MAYBE SO?
Meanderthals have decided, or sort of decided, to believe that there could be a God or Force but that it, he, or she, moves in mysterious ways far beyond the parameters of Human comprehension..dunno fo sho.

click: http://www.philosophersnet.com/games/god.htm

The next logical step in this exercise is deciphering the Who-What-Where-When-Why & How they arrived at their cosmological identity:

(1) Voluntarily
(2) Involuntarily
(3) Osmosis or
(4) Withholding Final Verdict

Many Escapeons may have been indoctrinated as an impressionable child and never EVER questioned, or felt the need to question, the information. Perhaps they live in circumstances that prevent them from even entertaining any thought of questioning the ‘facts’, and finally, there are those who believe that it is inherently impossible to even consider responding to such inquiries.

In any event practically every Homo Escapeon arrived at a some sort of decision and it is very important to know How they arrived there in order to comprehend Why they did.

The final aspect of this matter is the Who-What-Where-When-Why & How Homo Escapeons plan to express and utilize their personal Cosmology.
Whatcha gonna do about it?

(1) Blare It: Make it a Universal Planetary Law
(2) Share it: Appropriate your Beliefs to those concerned
(3) Grin & Bear It: Keep it Private & Personal

From these three steps we can get to the very core of every Homo Escapeon.
Some of them are quietly confident in their beliefs while others fester with insecurity and become dogmatic fanatics who will not rest until everybody else either believes the exact same thing or a reasonable facsimile.

The real kicker is that Salvapiens and Rejectus are both burdened with a Cosmology that is as equally impossible to prove to the other side and n'er the twain shall meet. It is nearly impossible to have a civilized debate between the Faithful and the Fatalist. Meanderthals on the other hand enjoy a little wiggle-room from the absolutes but..

..and n’er the Twain shall meet!

(time fo a bwief Twainwreck of a tangent by my inner Tweety)
"Appawentwee we cannot hope to get the Escapeons awll-abwoard because this debate always goes off twack and jumps the wails.

Twying to build a bwidge or causeway over this mowass seems impossibwle. So, for the time bewing, in the Western Wowld anyway, we are callwing this dis-twestle-ing aspwect of the cultuwe waw a dwaw.
Tanks Homey.

I tought I made a pwetty good summation!"

AVATARAMA