Yesterday morning as I sleepily perused the paper, I started reading an article on what I thought was about making labels and something about those damn VLTs, video lottery terminals. HUH?
After another sip of coffee and a synaptic burst deep within my thick cranium and I realised that it was about
remaking labia
and Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation! LVRs HELLO.
Apparently our city has one of three doctors in Canada who offers Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation. I had no idea that there even was such a thing as labia envy? The article, very tastefully reported, suggests that some ladies want to ‘tighten up’ their vaginas after childbirth to enhance their sex life, and others simply want to ‘nip their tuck’ a bit for both physical and cosmetic purposes.
Well why not eh? Men get calf implants and penis extensions. If you have a couple grand to waste on ‘trimming the turkey’ go for it.
Apparently our city has one of three doctors in Canada who offers Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation. I had no idea that there even was such a thing as labia envy? The article, very tastefully reported, suggests that some ladies want to ‘tighten up’ their vaginas after childbirth to enhance their sex life, and others simply want to ‘nip their tuck’ a bit for both physical and cosmetic purposes.
Well why not eh? Men get calf implants and penis extensions. If you have a couple grand to waste on ‘trimming the turkey’ go for it.
Our friend Borat had much to say on this subject in his movie so perhaps this matter is of some consequence in places like Kazakhstan.
“When I uh, buy my wife, at the start she was uh, cook good, her vazhïn work well, and she strong on plow. But after three years, when she was fifteen, then she become weak, her voice become deep 'BORAT BORAT', eh, she receive hair on chest, and her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard.”
I suppose that the line between public and pubic has been blown wide open by Celebutantes like Britney and Paris flashing their hoo-hoos for the paparazzi.
I suppose that the line between public and pubic has been blown wide open by Celebutantes like Britney and Paris flashing their hoo-hoos for the paparazzi.
Talk about overexposure.
For whatever reason, personally I blame Cosmo, here we are in the 21st Century discussing vulval cosmetic surgeries.
Who could have guessed that in only 150,000 short years that our species would have come so far? Not so long ago during the Victorian Era uncovered Piano legs was considered scandalous. Do you remember the 60s when burning bras was outrageous.
There was a song in '68 called the Tighten Up by Archie Bell of the Drells from Houston, Texas:
"We're gonna tighten up
Let's do the tighten up
You can do it now
So baby, get to it
Look to your left now
Look to your right
Everybody can do it
But don't you get too tight"
Is this simply another aspect of the sexual revolution and a
natural progression towards the equality of the sexes?
What do we make of this?
yay first!!!
ReplyDeletei reckon it's the inevitable outcome of the easy access to images of women's labia (ie internet porn). you can't compare what you can't see, but now that so many hoo-haas are on display, it's natural to begin thinking "she's got a cute cooch, but hers looks like a geriatric hairless rat in a wind tunnel" and the like.
it honestly never occured to me to worry about the appearance of my labia until i began reading about all this surgery and what was "attractive" and what wasn't. Now i realize that the descriptions i've seen of ugly labia describe mine pretty well and i'm much more self conscious when i'm naked. as if the cellulite wasn't bad enough!!! ak!
chaucer's bitch,
ReplyDeleteI am delighted that you were able to discuss this matter with such candor. The article stated that run-of-the-mill suburbanite Soccer Moms march into the Doctor's office with porn mags and say I want my 'pussy tuck' to look like that!
I am concerned though, Stuart Smalley said it quite succinctly on Daily Affirmations,
"compare and despair is just stinkin' thinkin!"
Where will it end?
"Natural Progression of Equality of the Sexes"??? Are you kidding me???
ReplyDeleteTry a backlash from the advances of feminism in a patriarchal society! The moment we move ahead as women they tell us we've got vaginas that are too large and need re-shaping. It's another ploy to make women feel like we're not good enough and that we need fixing, instead of accepting us as equals on the job, where we're paid 70 cents to the dollar compared to men. Jesus Christ! This whole post pissed me off, Homey. It's sick sad and wrong how women are constantly being told that there's something wrong with us. That we should be sorry for existing and that our reproductive organs are disgusting. Bah. It's womb-envy, plain and simple.
Not by you - but by the other 49% of the earth's population as a whole. Did you know that it's now illegal for Kuwaiti women to work at night??
Argggghhhh.
Oooh! I like tidalgrrrl FO SHO! True... the sickest part of it all is that we women buy into this shit and perpetuate it. Honestly, I don't think that a guy in his right mind looks at the damn vagina and thinks "Damn! That's a mothafuckin' ugly pussy!" If it's available, they will most likely dive in... oy.
ReplyDeleteIt is as sickening as the primitive practice, still in use today by many cultures mind you, were women have themselves "sewn" back up to simulate having a hymen in case they lost their virginity when not supposed to 'cause god forbid they not be "pure"...
It's all fucked up if you ask me and honestly, vaginas look like catatonic, heavily stroked out fallen faces... what the fuck is beautiful about that and how the fuck do you beautify a damn vagina! Geez!
And mind you, I'm a feminist but come on... this goes right up there with the idiocy that is plastic surgery adn my thinking vaginas are just ugly is simply due to my having good vision dammit!...
Wanna hear something sick? My MIL once spoke to me of her vagina, this procedure, and more... now I am REALLY feeling nauseous!
Faboo post amigo mio! Electric como siempre! OW!
All of this is true. You don't realise that you need some sort of expensive surgical procedure in order to feel 'normal' until you are repeatedly told so by various adverts and articles. It's all so subjective as well - who's to say that the fashion won't change in ten years' time and we'll all have to have more surgery to follow suit. Sickening. Yeuch. HE, if I were you I'd start reading a different paper.
ReplyDeleteNever a boring post on this blog! :)
Obviously people have to much time on their hands if they're thinking so much about their hoo hoo -as you so nicely put it :). Or else they're just plain bloody mental.You know what, I had to get stitches after giving birth -due to the fact that I didn't listen to my own instinct -when the head was crowning should have just eased the baby out instead of giving a big push that the midwive was urging me to do. Anyway, the end result was a second degree tear (into the muscle -ouch)and the healing process had me in tears (with pressure and pain) as the stitches tightened. Yes, this really is too much information, but my point is that anyone who would willingly go and have their bits tampered with is a bloody idiot.(and I'm not being wimpy to say I was in tears with the stitches -I'd given birth without gas or anything).
ReplyDeletetidalgrrrl,
ReplyDeleteHA! I mean't being equally STUPID shelley. What guy in his right mind would get a tendon snip on his wanger to gain a 1/2 inch and then walk around with a weight on his doink for a couple of weeks to stretch his weiner another 1/2 inch!
HA! You're awesome!
miz bohemia,
WO! "Catatonic, heavily stroked out fallen faces" is an instant classic!
I don't know if you remember but I did a post on how horrendous mutilations on young women continue..in the 21st Century! I find it astounding that our Country would even trade with any of those countries.
I would gather all of those insecure little pricks who enforce this cultural bullsh*t and bomb their asses back into the 7th f*cking Century!
"If it's available, they will most likely dive in... oy."
HAHAHAHAHAHA 'nuff said. You Go!
Spentrails,
Oh Dear, I know that it sounds ghastly but it was completely sanitized for a family paper.
I find it alarming, if not ridiculously absurd, that we live in a society where dazzling suburbanites are showing up with porno mags to show a surgeon how they want to look right thur, right thur!
Hello!
lee,
OUCHEE! My acknowledgement that women have pain thresholds that men cannot ever hope to fathom, was proven when I fainted reading about your stitches. Have you ever considered hunting down that midwife and forcing her body through a very tiny space.
Having your naughty bits lasered is prolly quite painless..for $5,000 to $10,000 it better be painless..anyway I just thought that it was absurd enough to draw attention to.
How many starving kids in Africa can you feed in lieu of having a picture perfect hoo-hoo for that special someone?
LOL the other day I read abt designer vaginas and I wanted to blog abt it. And I will HE.
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
keshiroo,
ReplyDeleteNuthin' could be finer,
than designing new vaginas,
in the morrrrr-ning!
Just out of curiosity how would you say that in strine?
Is it designah vaginah or designer vaginer..hmm that sounds cockney.
he -about the perfect hoo hoo -if your other half doesn't like your hoo hoo the way it is(when I say "your" I mean women in general)they have possibly got even bigger problems than you :). This procedure you mentioned - you said it was painless, but don't some women also get a procedure done to....well..how to describe it.... get the outside bits trimmed so that it is all tidy looking? Ugh, I feel sick now. You have cracked me up with what you wrote in response to keshi -the thing is, he, that we probably wouldn't use that word -we would probably say fanny (though why it would even be mentioned at all...)- that's why we grin when Americans use that word to describe their bum ;).
ReplyDeleteI had to get back here because I must be going mental -I read again -and that is what they are doing with laser -I get it -getting the old fanny sorted out in every way.Ah, I see.
ReplyDeleteVirginity restorer, industrial strength... Not quite sure what to make of that one..
ReplyDeleteI do love to read Cosmo, it is always good to see what it is i am thinking about and the hidden signals i am sending... Most of them are a suprise even to me.
I did one of the quizes once and was suprised to find out i was a lesbian.. I never knew
lee,
ReplyDeleteSo the when the Bee Gees sang
"First I rise,
then I fall
Seems like you don`t want
the love of this man at all?
And it`s sure been a lonely time
Right up to the time I met you
So if you take a love like mine
Fanny be tender,
with my love"
it wasn't about some gal?
Wow and I saw them sing this in concert.
Well I guess Aussie guys don't have 'Fanny-packs' to put their keys and wallets in either?
I'm glad that you got this all sorted out, you really crack me up!
(that means you make me laugh!)
aidan,
AHA! That's why you are such a perfect little husband you're reading Cosmo you little bugger!
I'll bet that it didn't take Stace very long to realise that you needed to read it more than she did!
What's good for the goose is worth havin'a gander eh!
I am not sure if 'goose' and 'gander' mean the same in Strine slang but you're a clever fellow.
These women ought to just maintain their pelvic floor exercises. Surgery, or laser procedures, need not be done unless something is awfully wrong with their anatomy, or they have some sort of disease. Even small procedures come at a risk, IE, infection leading to toxic shock syndrome and death...anyhow, sorry, I just won't let anyone touch my bits for the sake of looking like I stepped out of a magazine...working hard at looking great, starting from the INSIDE here..pardon the punn, ya know what I mean, LOL.
ReplyDeletecazzmania,
ReplyDeleteSound medical advice and the aticle did mention that pelvic floor strengthening excercises are just as effective the problem is that 51% of women don't know how to do the kegel excercises correctly.
It's weird because women get their facial lips injected to mirror the naughty bits and now they are trimming the..my word, I can't keep up.
ps love this avatar.
this is all based on a tiny nugget of reality, though...one of the things that happens to women as they age is, just like men, their nethers get dangly. this is a commomplace occurrance. unfortunately, nobody tells women this...bet it's news to 99% of the folks here, huh!..and so when it becomes noticeable these women are all primed to freak out now because, well, my god, there's SURGERY out there to correct it!
ReplyDeletehere's the deal, though. in most cases, dangly simply means 'labia minora peeping shyly out from amongst the underbrush'. but in certain cases, it means 'grandpa leo's long handled underwear hanging from the line after a torrential downpour.' this really happens. i've seen it. very old persons are sometimes very casual about keeping their hospital johnnies closed.
anyway, Richard Pryor said it best, ladies...
THERES NO SUCH THING AS A BAD PUSSY.
that's why Edison invented lust. wobbly bits are not real attractive to begin with. male, female, they're funny lookin. our body chemistry has to get us all jazzed up to even think about connecting them. just think: if they were cute to begin with, nothing else would get done!
first nations,
ReplyDeleteHA! I worship at the altar of your logic and hilarious descriptive explanations that decorate it's mantle.
'grandpa leo's long handled underwear hanging from the line after a torrential downpour.'you're killing me!
'grandpa leo's long handled underwear hanging from the line after a torrential downpour.'
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!!!! Now that's good humor.
:)
tidalgrrrl,
ReplyDeleteI am still giggling one hour later. Shelley I sincerely hope that you aren't still mad at me..."This whole post pissed me off, Homey"
I will gladly help you rescue all of the sisters around the world living like chattel under the thumbs of those pencil dick little twat macho assholes. Once the ladies were out of harms way I would activate my killer satellite death ray and incinerate every single one of those little creeps into a duststorm of fine powder. The next day the women and children can return, own everything and start over.
I know that this sounds extreme but those little twats don't seem to be responding well to the realities and educational efforts because their meaningless pathetic inconsequential lives are justified by bullying women and children and they are addicted to the POWER..ooh such a big man!
Well too bad it's the 21st f*cking century and you've had long enough to turn into human frickin beings! AAARRGGGHH!3 2 1 !KABOOOM!!
What is this world coming to?! Little girls are being circumcised in Africa on dirty rocks with rusty razorblades causing them pain for the rest of their lives, if not death, and here we are worrying about our labia's appearance. *shakes head*
ReplyDeleteshit. i've been one-upped. FN's underwear in a downpour totally trumps my geriatric rat in a windtunnel.
ReplyDeletebut as usual, FN is 100% spot on right.
christine,
ReplyDeleteIs that sick or what...Can you imagine what extraterrestrials would think? I look at the 'female circumcision' sites more realistically called genital mutilation and I am outraged that we in the West just don't storm over there and take over! How can we ever eradicate those assinine socio-religious parctices??
If I was the new alien insect overlord I would vaporise all of those primitives and extinguish their century old barbaric traditions in a heartbeat! Let the women import sensitive, educated, trainable, men from the 21st Century and start over.
chaucer's bitch,
HA! I can always rely on you to paint a beeyu'iful picture in moy 'ead!
I can assure you that the
"geriatric hairless rat in a wind tunnel" will be trapped there for quite some time ..no matter what I do..seriously.
The 'both of yuz' iz always messing with my brain!
uh............interesting? Confusing..............? WHAT! I feel like I was just reading something written by a person that drank a tad too much coffee. Intriguing though, I must say.
ReplyDeletei reckon the porn industry is largely to blame for labia-envy, the shaved pussies on porn movies have lips that look like money boxes and men who watch it obviously like it... and if someone's mean enough to comment on their significant other's not being cute enough- then they should go find themselves a porn star.
ReplyDeleteas for the tightening... kegel (sp?) exercises work like a bomb- and they're free!
inside our hands outside our hearts,
ReplyDelete((GLUG GLUG GLUG)) It is possible that I may have had an extra cuppa the other day but in any event your discombobulation is more than likely the byproduct of my blatant disregard for syntax and structure although I suppose there is something to be said for the flexibility of writing in sort of a zenlike stream of consciousness altered state but whatever you seem to have derived some pleasure from the experience so I guess that we could agree that all is well that ends well and thanks for stopping by and I hope that it caused you to think about how ridiculous our species has become and why maybe it is time for the next evolutionary experiment to take a turn at ruling the planet because we have pretty much screwed up everything that we can to the point of no return((GLUG GLUG GLUG))
angel,
This phenomenon may very well be a testament to the true power of our terminator like persistent genes that force us to 'look our best' while we sexually reproduce.
Mankind's 2nd greatest invention, the internet, has finally succumbed to the true crowning achievement of our 1400cc brain, free porn!
I can't get my head around a Soccer Mom even knowing what a Porn Star's Chihoohoo looks like unless she somehow caught her starter husband or new partner downloading photos of 'naughty bits' in the middle of the night.
The article mentioned that 51% of Ladies did not know how to do kegels...it would all be so much simpler if we were monotremes like those plucky little Platypuses.
haha!
ReplyDelete**designah vaginah or designer vaginer
:)
Either way it's all abt Miss.Fagina!
btw go check my blog if u hv time...;-)
Keshi.
he -a fanny pack (hahaha)is a bum bag here-but I don't think I've seen one since the 1980s.
ReplyDeleteJeez, HE, what's wrong with letting the poor thing be, as is? Speaking of high, hard topics, I suppose that someone crafty might
ReplyDeletefashion a catchers mitt (or the like), given a penchant for baseball or similar summer sports.
... well I'm still getting over the broadway hit "The Vagina Monolgues." Please!
ReplyDeletekeshiroo,
ReplyDeleteI know Miss Alotta Fagina, Grrr!
Do be-have baby!
lee,
We know that Fanny Packs went out of style in the 80s but we haven't stopped wearing them. It is just so convnenient to have a nice little pouch to keep Seal blubber for our Sled Dogs!
Guten Abend Herr Fischmeister!
Fausthandschuhe?
Was bedeutet das?
OH! ((lightbulb)) that's why men strike out when they 'pitch' a fastball right down the middle at closing time.
No glove, no love!
bibi,
HA! Wasn't that a startling phenomenon when that came out! SNL did a fantastic spoof..but I remember thinking that America is not ready for this. After a few minutes it was OK but we North Americans still had a ton of Victorian/Puritan Prudery at the time...now I wonder if things will swing back to the centre once we have finished trying to shock each other? Prolly.
Alotta indeed LOL!
ReplyDeleteCome to my blog HE!
Keshi.
It all probably started with the brazilian wax. I mean, will this vagina aesthetic even be discussed if private parts had all that hair??
ReplyDeleteIt's not enough that women have to go through monthly periods plus 9 months of discomfort and unbelievable pain when pregnant and giving birth. Oh no! We have to add waxing and now surgery to fix what is not meant to be displayed in public anyway.
3. Homo_Escapeons (Mate you are one of the MOST intelligent men that ever walked this Earth - you're a walking Knowledge Repository!)
ReplyDeleteHA
u got the title only becoz i am not around
I'm with whoever said do your pelvic floor exercises
ReplyDeleteit's muscle inside, and like any other muscle needs exercise to keep in shape
so the more exercise (of whatever kind - pelvic floors, sex leading to orgasm, or the like) the better shape it will naturally stay in
(given the effects of the normal ageing process,as someone pointed out too)
just reiterates to me that we're all cave people at heart - but whilst the modern body outlives its ancient origins and evolutionary purpose, our modern brains strive to keep our bodies remaining "attractive" in whatever way we can
personally I believe in growing old(er) naturally and with inner beauty of a soulful kind shining thru. . .
keshi,
ReplyDeleteYou're right I am full of it! Thank You, you are very kind.
As per your request I transferred the money into the account in the Caymans. I believe that the next unsolicited avalanche of praise to be lavished upon my formidable intalllecckt is scheduled for July 13th at which time a similar deposit will be forwarded.
menchie,
Well there is the rub! (snicker) All of this effort for something that will only be seen by the surgeon, patient, and the partner of the patient (HA)
Would you pay $10,000 for something that nobody will see? Or maybe you'd feel like you have to show it off on the internet when you get it done? It's sort of Weird?Sort of??
jim,
I believe you mate. This award was worth every penny.
I am THE repositor so neener!
i like the view,
That was cazzie and she is a nurse.
I am thrilled that you picked up on the fact that we are outliving our 'best before' dates and trying to reinvent Nature. Humans didn't start living past 40ish in any great numbers until a few hundred years ago. We were designed to make it through a brief often brutal existence and be done with it.
I am afraid that our youth oriented culture is going to ride this wave right up onto the beach and die tryin' to stay young instead of embracing the thought of a dignified celebration of having gained experience and wisdom.
Don't fear the reaper.
Great post and some of these comments are hilarious. If someone doesn't like my little chihuahua they can BITE ME.
ReplyDeleteangel without wings,
ReplyDeleteWouldn't you agree that we've all seen Paris Hilton's Chihoohaa once too often.
You tell 'em!
I must confess that I felt an involuntary contraction in the netherlands when you used the term Bite Me.
u gottalotta I know! :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
kesh,
ReplyDeleteDo you mean epiglottis as in the lid-like flap of fibrocartilage tissue covered with a mucus membrane and attached to the root of the tongue that projects obliquely upwards behind the hyoid bone? Oh that epiglottis?
check out the picture..coinky dink?http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiglottis
phew!
ReplyDeleteHow did I miss this post?
When I read it in the news paper sometime back, my thoughts were,"what next?"
you tell me...
It just so happens I had this very discussion at work with some surgeons and the only conclusion I came to was if a man thinks your vagina is too loose find a man with a bigger penis. Oh, and by the way I have seen the labial reduction surgery and it is neither painless nor risk free.
ReplyDeleteHE, we have been performing these procedures since I was a student nurse even in a third world country due to trauma. They were called repairs. I think some doctors just want to expand the market and call it augmentation. :-)
ReplyDeletemwaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa...
ReplyDeletetechnically, i'm not a soccer mom as such- and i've seen my share of porn, teehee!
i was taught to do kegels when i was pregnant with damien as part of my ante natal lamaze training. its fairly simple to learn- and comes in very handy!
oh- and according to wikipedia- i'm not technically a soccer mom...
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO
ReplyDeleteYour blog material is always so intriguing.
(What the H? Only 51% know the EZ kegel maneuever? Sad. Gotta keep the squeeze on your main squeeze... :)