IF I HAD TO DECIDE..MY LAST SUPPER
WOULD BE A NO-BRAINER!
..Huge Steak, Lobster, Mashed Potatoes, Creamed Corn, Chocolate Milkshake, Coke, Chocolate Pie, Brownies and Apple Pie...No brainer.
WHAT WOULD YOU ORDER
FOR YOUR LAST SUPPER?
HOMO ESCAPEONS: Welcome to an Autodidact's egregiously oversimplified pleonasmic emporium of hodge-podgery
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
THE GREAT DIVIDE!
Journalist
Gwynne Dyer recently wrote a piece about a recent BBC poll that revealed that 82% of Britons believe that
Religion does more harm than good.
In Briton, 33% of the people (excluding recent Immigrants) identify themselves as religious compared to the USA where the level is around 85%.
The more Religious a country is
the LESS that it puts towards Social Services.
The higher the rates in Belief/Worship of a Creator
the HIGHER the rates of Homicide, STDs and Teen Pregnancy.
For instance the American ‘Bible Belt’ (Midwest/Southern Region) apparently has higher per capita rates of Homicide, Mortality rates, VD, and Teen Pregnancy. One other interesting point mentioned was that Abstinence practicing boys are far more likely to impregnate their partners.
At the end of his piece Dyer wrote,
"Thank God they didn’t do survey on the correlation between strong religious belief and war.”
Another interesting BBC survey that I came upon in my TIME magazine revealed that
51% of Americans now view their country as having a NEGATIVE influence on the world.
Thirty per cent believed it was Positive and 19% were
Neutral.
The USA was categorized as one of the least admired countries along with Russia, North Korea, Iran and Israel.
Jumping back to the first report, Dyer speculated that Godless “all alone under an empty sky” countries decide that they must band together to help one another whereas in America a large percentage of the people believe that ‘transforming lives’ will be taken care of by a higher power and that it is not the responsibility of the State.
The American system of Health
Care is certainly a testament to that theory and the fact that they pay Teachers so poorly is another point of contention.
Journalist
Gwynne Dyer recently wrote a piece about a recent BBC poll that revealed that 82% of Britons believe that Religion does more harm than good.
In Briton, 33% of the people (excluding recent Immigrants) identify themselves as religious compared to the USA where the level is around 85%.The more Religious a country is
the LESS that it puts towards Social Services.
The higher the rates in Belief/Worship of a Creator
the HIGHER the rates of Homicide, STDs and Teen Pregnancy.
For instance the American ‘Bible Belt’ (Midwest/Southern Region) apparently has higher per capita rates of Homicide, Mortality rates, VD, and Teen Pregnancy. One other interesting point mentioned was that Abstinence practicing boys are far more likely to impregnate their partners.
At the end of his piece Dyer wrote,
"Thank God they didn’t do survey on the correlation between strong religious belief and war.”
Another interesting BBC survey that I came upon in my TIME magazine revealed that
51% of Americans now view their country as having a NEGATIVE influence on the world.
Thirty per cent believed it was Positive and 19% were
Neutral.The USA was categorized as one of the least admired countries along with Russia, North Korea, Iran and Israel.
Jumping back to the first report, Dyer speculated that Godless “all alone under an empty sky” countries decide that they must band together to help one another whereas in America a large percentage of the people believe that ‘transforming lives’ will be taken care of by a higher power and that it is not the responsibility of the State.
The American system of Health
Care is certainly a testament to that theory and the fact that they pay Teachers so poorly is another point of contention.Wednesday, March 21, 2007
"IT WAS ONLY 50 YEARS AGO TODAY
PRESIDENT IKE MADE THE KLAN GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
Homo Escapeon's Lonely Hearts Club Band
400 years ago in 1607, John Smith of Pocahontas fame, landed in Jamestown, Virginia, where the first 20 African slaves were purchased 12 short years later, and Slavery is legalized by 1661.
200 years ago on March 25th, 1807, the abolition of the slave trade was is enacted throughout the British Empire. In the USA the importation of slaves was banned in 1808 but the end of slavery was not enacted until the ratification of the 13th Amendment on Dec 6th 1865.
50 years ago in 1957, desegregation of Little Rock 
Central High School is enforced by President Dwight (Ike) Eisenhower, who sends 10,000 Troops to Arkansas to allow 9 students to pass through a blockade set up by the Governor.
Central High School is enforced by President Dwight (Ike) Eisenhower, who sends 10,000 Troops to Arkansas to allow 9 students to pass through a blockade set up by the Governor. Ike's Administration passes the Civil Rights Acts in 1957 and 1960.
Now here we are in 2007.
I am turning 50, and I find it totally depressing that 
apartheid and slavery were still prevalent here in North America when I was born and has continued to this day in various forms throughtout the world.
apartheid and slavery were still prevalent here in North America when I was born and has continued to this day in various forms throughtout the world. This sad testament to the dark side of humanity is still lingering 150,00 years after we became 'human'...
can you believe that?
My favorite example of how to 'beat the system' and 'stick it to the MAN' comes courtesy of the enigmatic Actor Marlon Brando.
Brando avoided induction into the US Army by being declared 'psychoneurotic' or what was then commonly referred to as being 'crazy'.
He made them an offer that they couldn't accept!
When Marlon filled in the administrative forms:
under the question RACE
he wrote HUMAN
and under COLOUR
he wrote IT VARIES.
Brilliant..and that pretty much sums it up for me.
Monday, March 19, 2007
THE WHETHER
One of the most prevalent truisms in life is that being a Meteorologist or Weather Person is the best job in the world because you can be wrong everyday and never get fired.
This of course is not entirely true because Politicians, Movie Reviewers and Economists are equally guilty of being totally wrong and yet somehow manage to continue being gainfully employed.
What separates the meteorologists is that talking about the weather is the last vestige of polite society and the only safe topic that we can discuss amongst ourselves in public.
While you are trapped in a check out line at the Supermarket you can’t say things like “Geez that Pope is sure a goofy bugger eh?” or “Wow your implants look fantastic!..Is that a new nose?”
The weather is all that we have left.
This is why getting terrible forecasts is so aggravating. Especially since the meteorologists have the most powerful technology known to mankind and they still screw it up!
At the heart of the matter is the reliance on super computers diagnosing climatic models to ascertain 3 simple frickin’ question:
Is it going to be sunny or cloudy,
warm or cold,
dry or wet!
Instead these people are extrapolating atmospheric computer models at a molecular level dating back to the Big Bang on a $5Billion Super computer! Here is an idea. Why not just put a frickin’ window (one that opens!) in the Environment Canada headquarters.
Put the doughnut down, push yourself away from your cubicle, step away from the computer. Slowly walk towards the window and stick your head outside! Describe what you feel and see.
Now, interpret this raw data into layman’s terms and send it off to the great unwashed mass of humanity who are anxiously awaiting this invaluable information so that they can figure out what to wear today.
If these are the people upon whose prognostications we are basing the theory of global warming upon, we are in serious trouble.
This of course is not entirely true because Politicians, Movie Reviewers and Economists are equally guilty of being totally wrong and yet somehow manage to continue being gainfully employed.
What separates the meteorologists is that talking about the weather is the last vestige of polite society and the only safe topic that we can discuss amongst ourselves in public.
While you are trapped in a check out line at the Supermarket you can’t say things like “Geez that Pope is sure a goofy bugger eh?” or “Wow your implants look fantastic!..Is that a new nose?”
The weather is all that we have left.
This is why getting terrible forecasts is so aggravating. Especially since the meteorologists have the most powerful technology known to mankind and they still screw it up!
At the heart of the matter is the reliance on super computers diagnosing climatic models to ascertain 3 simple frickin’ question:
Is it going to be sunny or cloudy,
warm or cold,
dry or wet!
Instead these people are extrapolating atmospheric computer models at a molecular level dating back to the Big Bang on a $5Billion Super computer! Here is an idea. Why not just put a frickin’ window (one that opens!) in the Environment Canada headquarters.
Put the doughnut down, push yourself away from your cubicle, step away from the computer. Slowly walk towards the window and stick your head outside! Describe what you feel and see.
Now, interpret this raw data into layman’s terms and send it off to the great unwashed mass of humanity who are anxiously awaiting this invaluable information so that they can figure out what to wear today.
If these are the people upon whose prognostications we are basing the theory of global warming upon, we are in serious trouble.
Mother Earth has always used the weather to rid herself of the annoying species that evolve to dominate the planet. 
Oh sure you can blame the Moon for not ‘taking a bullet’ and failing to stop the comet that ‘killed’ the Dinosaurs, but it was the post impact effects of the weather that probably killed them off.
So why should we be surprised to learn that Mother Earth or ‘Gaia’ has decided to stick with a winner. Perhaps she is currently making arrangements to eliminate us in a similar fashion? We are doing a great job of making it easier for her.
Unfortunately we won’t have much time to get our affairs in order because the weather channel will probably screw up the forecast on that fateful day.
“Sunny today, high of 75, winds from the South at 12 miles per hour with the chance of a cataclysmic extinction level event occurring mid afternoon so dress appropriately.
Have a great day!”
Oh sure you can blame the Moon for not ‘taking a bullet’ and failing to stop the comet that ‘killed’ the Dinosaurs, but it was the post impact effects of the weather that probably killed them off.So why should we be surprised to learn that Mother Earth or ‘Gaia’ has decided to stick with a winner. Perhaps she is currently making arrangements to eliminate us in a similar fashion? We are doing a great job of making it easier for her.
Unfortunately we won’t have much time to get our affairs in order because the weather channel will probably screw up the forecast on that fateful day.
“Sunny today, high of 75, winds from the South at 12 miles per hour with the chance of a cataclysmic extinction level event occurring mid afternoon so dress appropriately.
Have a great day!”
Friday, March 16, 2007
VIAGRA SOUP
One of the most perplexing abominations in this world is the continuation and practice of Oriental Traditional Medicine to treat ‘impotence’ and create ‘aphrodisiacs’ with ground up bits of endangered species!
Unlike other homo escapeons who for Millenia have resorted to simply getting drunk as an excuse to promote unbridled sexual abandon, humans who evolved in the Orient are rumored to suffer from AAIS (Asian Alcohol Intolerance Syndrome) also known as the ‘Asian Flush’.
This theory purports that many Asians, including the North American Aboriginals or First N’Asians, lack an enzyme to process alcohol.
Whatever? I personally think that the rigidity of a suffocating societal structure induces bouts of uninhibited Woo-Hooism as an essential means of maintaining one’s mental health. However if it is true, this may well explain why Karaoke was invented!
What really irks me is that such ridiculous ‘notions and potions’ as Tiger Penis and Rhinoceros Horn are to this day considered Aphrodisiacs.
FOR THE ORIENTAL SOUL
One of the most perplexing abominations in this world is the continuation and practice of Oriental Traditional Medicine to treat ‘impotence’ and create ‘aphrodisiacs’ with ground up bits of endangered species!
Unlike other homo escapeons who for Millenia have resorted to simply getting drunk as an excuse to promote unbridled sexual abandon, humans who evolved in the Orient are rumored to suffer from AAIS (Asian Alcohol Intolerance Syndrome) also known as the ‘Asian Flush’.
This theory purports that many Asians, including the North American Aboriginals or First N’Asians, lack an enzyme to process alcohol.
Whatever? I personally think that the rigidity of a suffocating societal structure induces bouts of uninhibited Woo-Hooism as an essential means of maintaining one’s mental health. However if it is true, this may well explain why Karaoke was invented!
What really irks me is that such ridiculous ‘notions and potions’ as Tiger Penis and Rhinoceros Horn are to this day considered Aphrodisiacs.
NEWSFLASH: this is crazytalk!
I could pull a better Aphrodisiac out of my ass!
Whatever happened to a little Romance?
How about a moonlight walk in the park holding hands?
Is the term I am as hard as Chinese Math just a ‘phallicacy’?
It is estimated that there are less than 16,000 Rhinoceros and fewer than 2,500 Tigers in the entire world.
Most Tigers live in zoos and only half of those big, beautiful, Cats have penises anyway!
Most surviving Rhinos now require their own personal group of bodyguards to protect them from Poachers 24/7.
I can’t place all of the blame on the Orient because the ‘He-men in Yemen’ & Oman need Rhino Horn for their little penis-extension phallic symbol dagger handles! Muy Mucho Macho!
Other atrocities include twenty million of those cute little Sea Horses being sacrificed every year for ‘medicinal’ purposes. Black Bears are being poached right here in Manitoba for the Bile in their Gall Bladder…
the rest of the carcass is simply discarded and left to rot.
+
= 
Over 100 million people in the Orient ate Shark Fin Soup last year which resulted in the slaughter of an estimated 50-100 million sharks. ‘Finning’ sharks involves slicing off the fins and throwing the mortally wounded animal overboard to drown and sink to the bottom. I know that it is hard for people to be feel sorry for Sharks but they are an essential predator in the Pelagic food chain.
Only 7 people were ‘eaten’ by Sharks last year as opposed to 100 Million Sharks being eaten by People!
In lieu of slaughtering MILLIONS of endangered animals every year couldn’t the misinformed older generation of Asians who still adhere to this utter bullsh*t get some spring in their roll, or itch in their ditch, through the miracle of modern chemistry?
Imagine substituting endangered animal bits for exotic dishes laced with modern impotence inhibitors and vasodilators such as:
I could pull a better Aphrodisiac out of my ass!
Whatever happened to a little Romance?
How about a moonlight walk in the park holding hands?
Is the term I am as hard as Chinese Math just a ‘phallicacy’?
It is estimated that there are less than 16,000 Rhinoceros and fewer than 2,500 Tigers in the entire world.
Most Tigers live in zoos and only half of those big, beautiful, Cats have penises anyway!
Most surviving Rhinos now require their own personal group of bodyguards to protect them from Poachers 24/7.
I can’t place all of the blame on the Orient because the ‘He-men in Yemen’ & Oman need Rhino Horn for their little penis-extension phallic symbol dagger handles! Muy Mucho Macho!
Other atrocities include twenty million of those cute little Sea Horses being sacrificed every year for ‘medicinal’ purposes. Black Bears are being poached right here in Manitoba for the Bile in their Gall Bladder…
the rest of the carcass is simply discarded and left to rot.
+
= 
Over 100 million people in the Orient ate Shark Fin Soup last year which resulted in the slaughter of an estimated 50-100 million sharks. ‘Finning’ sharks involves slicing off the fins and throwing the mortally wounded animal overboard to drown and sink to the bottom. I know that it is hard for people to be feel sorry for Sharks but they are an essential predator in the Pelagic food chain.
Only 7 people were ‘eaten’ by Sharks last year as opposed to 100 Million Sharks being eaten by People!
In lieu of slaughtering MILLIONS of endangered animals every year couldn’t the misinformed older generation of Asians who still adhere to this utter bullsh*t get some spring in their roll, or itch in their ditch, through the miracle of modern chemistry?
Imagine substituting endangered animal bits for exotic dishes laced with modern impotence inhibitors and vasodilators such as:
#18 Viagra Long Time Soup
#24 Cialis Bamboo Shoots
#31 Levitra King Kung Pau
#22 Femtril Sum Hot Dim Kew Gai
#14 Zestra Szechuan Na Get Wi Dis?
#41 VasoRect Baby Got Bok
#53 Lioness Moo Goo Open Sesame
#16 Erostat Bang Bang Ji
How do we inform & educate those old folks on the other side of the world that they are wasting their money on ‘snake oil remedies’?
#24 Cialis Bamboo Shoots
#31 Levitra King Kung Pau
#22 Femtril Sum Hot Dim Kew Gai
#14 Zestra Szechuan Na Get Wi Dis?
#41 VasoRect Baby Got Bok
#53 Lioness Moo Goo Open Sesame
#16 Erostat Bang Bang Ji
How do we inform & educate those old folks on the other side of the world that they are wasting their money on ‘snake oil remedies’?
If they want to fix ‘thin noodles’ and ‘dry breaded prawns’, they don’t need to ‘take out’ MILLIONS of already endangered species of animals every year?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
VEHICULARITIES
I am not really a 'car guy' but I have been driving since 1973 and it occured to me that the automobiles that I have driven certainly reflect certain stages of my life.
THE 70s
My first vehicles were primarily used for getting me and a date or several friends (sometimes both) to and from Parties before, during or after High School Classes.
I started with a 1961 International that I dubbed the 'HUTTERITE VAGON',
The '66 Falcon 'SCHMALCON'
(3 on the tree.can't find 'em grind 'em),
Off to College in the '67 Bel Air known as The 'BOAT'
(replete with hanging lifejackets that I wore at the Beer Bashes),
The '69 'KING KONG' Kingswood
(memories of many sleepovers in the back and the sound of unconscious friends rolling around after Toga Parties)
The '69 Impala, 'VLAD THE IMPALER'
(0 to 60 in 3 par secs!)
THE 80s
Mom's Plush Toy was soo comfy that I rarely let her borrow it, the 'MONTY' Carlo
(ironically had the same name as my favorite bar)
The 'K-5IVE' Blazer
(Moonlight cruises with the back off, my summer lovin' had me a blast buying gas every day mobile)
The 'SUBAROO'
(got married and more practical, my first front wheel drive)
The '84 Ford 'TORE ASS'
(Slammed it into ubiquity with the automobilius genericus of the 80s)
The Buick 'MOMMY MOBILE'
(the proverbial 2nd car for draggin' kids around)
THE 90s
The 'LANCELOT LINK*' Lincoln Continental
(The Pride mobile for Mr. Commercial Real Estate to impress clients while dressed in his *monkey suit)
The 'VETTE' as in Chevette not Corvette
(Post Divorce humble pie mobile..from $60,000 to ZERO in one car!
The perfect antidote for the pridemobile during my Anno Horribulus)
THE OUGHTIES
The NEON
(A practical car for a Happy Newlywed and the favorite target for neighbourhood 14 year old little bastard thieves who wrote obscene things on the trunk and conducted weekly inspections)
The Sensational 7 seater Cara'VAN'!
With the arrival of RIDZ we can all go to Grandma's House in one trip.
I have no idea what my vehicular future holds for me but I have such mixed emotions when I review the list:
Fun trips to California,
Bad trips to the Hospital,
Repairs, repairs, and more repairs
Make out sessions,
Parties,
Rushing to school or work,
Cold starts on freezing Winter mornings,
Driving around with the Air Conditioning on full to cool off in the Summer,
Transporting a huge wet tired filthy Jack from a BIG WALK at a distant Park
Picking up or dropping off relatives and friends at the Airport,
and of course driving kids to
Sleepovers, Birthday Parties, Soccer, Baseball, Karate, Dance, Gymnastics, Kick Boxing, Singing Lessons, Skating, to the Lake...
If YOU had to choose a favorite vehicle would it be from a carefree bygone era, a luxurious status symbol, or simply the most reliable?
I am not really a 'car guy' but I have been driving since 1973 and it occured to me that the automobiles that I have driven certainly reflect certain stages of my life.
THE 70s
My first vehicles were primarily used for getting me and a date or several friends (sometimes both) to and from Parties before, during or after High School Classes.
I started with a 1961 International that I dubbed the 'HUTTERITE VAGON', 
The '66 Falcon 'SCHMALCON' (3 on the tree.can't find 'em grind 'em),
Off to College in the '67 Bel Air known as The 'BOAT' (replete with hanging lifejackets that I wore at the Beer Bashes),
The '69 'KING KONG' Kingswood(memories of many sleepovers in the back and the sound of unconscious friends rolling around after Toga Parties)
The '69 Impala, 'VLAD THE IMPALER' (0 to 60 in 3 par secs!)
THE 80s
Mom's Plush Toy was soo comfy that I rarely let her borrow it, the 'MONTY' Carlo(ironically had the same name as my favorite bar)
The 'K-5IVE' Blazer(Moonlight cruises with the back off, my summer lovin' had me a blast buying gas every day mobile)
The 'SUBAROO'(got married and more practical, my first front wheel drive)
The '84 Ford 'TORE ASS'(Slammed it into ubiquity with the automobilius genericus of the 80s)
The Buick 'MOMMY MOBILE'(the proverbial 2nd car for draggin' kids around)
THE 90s
The 'LANCELOT LINK*' Lincoln Continental(The Pride mobile for Mr. Commercial Real Estate to impress clients while dressed in his *monkey suit)
The 'VETTE' as in Chevette not Corvette(Post Divorce humble pie mobile..from $60,000 to ZERO in one car!
The perfect antidote for the pridemobile during my Anno Horribulus)
THE OUGHTIES
The NEON(A practical car for a Happy Newlywed and the favorite target for neighbourhood 14 year old little bastard thieves who wrote obscene things on the trunk and conducted weekly inspections)
The Sensational 7 seater Cara'VAN'! With the arrival of RIDZ we can all go to Grandma's House in one trip.
I have no idea what my vehicular future holds for me but I have such mixed emotions when I review the list:
Fun trips to California,
Bad trips to the Hospital,
Repairs, repairs, and more repairs
Make out sessions,
Parties,
Rushing to school or work,
Cold starts on freezing Winter mornings,
Driving around with the Air Conditioning on full to cool off in the Summer,
Transporting a huge wet tired filthy Jack from a BIG WALK at a distant Park
Picking up or dropping off relatives and friends at the Airport,
and of course driving kids to
Sleepovers, Birthday Parties, Soccer, Baseball, Karate, Dance, Gymnastics, Kick Boxing, Singing Lessons, Skating, to the Lake...
If YOU had to choose a favorite vehicle would it be from a carefree bygone era, a luxurious status symbol, or simply the most reliable?
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