Friday, March 16, 2007

VIAGRA SOUP
FOR THE ORIENTAL SOUL

One of the most perplexing abominations in this world is the continuation and practice of Oriental Traditional Medicine to treat ‘impotence’ and create ‘aphrodisiacs’ with ground up bits of endangered species!

Unlike other homo escapeons who for Millenia have resorted to simply getting drunk as an excuse to promote unbridled sexual abandon, humans who evolved in the Orient are rumored to suffer from AAIS (Asian Alcohol Intolerance Syndrome) also known as the ‘Asian Flush’.

This theory purports that many Asians, including the North American Aboriginals or First N’Asians, lack an enzyme to process alcohol.

Whatever? I personally think that the rigidity of a suffocating societal structure induces bouts of uninhibited Woo-Hooism as an essential means of maintaining one’s mental health. However if it is true, this may well explain why Karaoke was invented!

What really irks me is that such ridiculous ‘notions and potions’ as Tiger Penis and Rhinoceros Horn are to this day considered Aphrodisiacs.
NEWSFLASH: this is crazytalk!
I could pull a better Aphrodisiac out of my ass!

Whatever happened to a little Romance?
How about a moonlight walk in the park holding hands?
Is the term I am as hard as Chinese Math just a ‘phallicacy’?

It is estimated that there are less than 16,000 Rhinoceros and fewer than 2,500 Tigers in the entire world.
Most Tigers live in zoos and only half of those big, beautiful, Cats have penises anyway!
Most surviving Rhinos now require their own personal group of bodyguards to protect them from Poachers 24/7.

I can’t place all of the blame on the Orient because the ‘He-men in Yemen’ & Oman need Rhino Horn for their little penis-extension phallic symbol dagger handles! Muy Mucho Macho!

Other atrocities include twenty million of those cute little Sea Horses being sacrificed every year for ‘medicinal’ purposes. Black Bears are being poached right here in Manitoba for the Bile in their Gall Bladder…
the rest of the carcass is simply discarded and left to rot.
+=
Over 100 million people in the Orient ate Shark Fin Soup last year which resulted in the slaughter of an estimated 50-100 million sharks. ‘Finning’ sharks involves slicing off the fins and throwing the mortally wounded animal overboard to drown and sink to the bottom. I know that it is hard for people to be feel sorry for Sharks but they are an essential predator in the Pelagic food chain.

Only 7 people were ‘eaten’ by Sharks last year as opposed to 100 Million Sharks being eaten by People!

In lieu of slaughtering MILLIONS of endangered animals every year couldn’t the misinformed older generation of Asians who still adhere to this utter bullsh*t get some spring in their roll, or itch in their ditch, through the miracle of modern chemistry?

Imagine substituting endangered animal bits for exotic dishes laced with modern impotence inhibitors and vasodilators such as:

#18 Viagra Long Time Soup
#24 Cialis Bamboo Shoots
#31 Levitra King Kung Pau
#22 Femtril Sum Hot Dim Kew Gai
#14 Zestra Szechuan Na Get Wi Dis?
#41 VasoRect Baby Got Bok
#53 Lioness Moo Goo Open Sesame
#16 Erostat Bang Bang Ji

How do we inform & educate those old folks on the other side of the world that they are wasting their money on ‘snake oil remedies’?
If they want to fix ‘thin noodles’ and ‘dry breaded prawns’, they don’t need to ‘take out’ MILLIONS of already endangered species of animals every year?

43 comments:

  1. Tiger, Tiger, burning bright?

    Now I know what that was about.

    I became wary of traditional medicine when I was given a massive bag of very odd looking things to boil up for my indigestion.

    Modern medicine for cock ups!

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  2. OMG... You won't believe me... I know you won't but I am going to prove it somehow... someone bought me the Grace (quality since 1922) Cock Flavoured Soup Mix Spicy... Authentic Jamaican... How can I prove it? I was going to use it in some random blog post but you beat me to it! LOL... You have to beleive me... you do...

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  3. I had been kind of thinking, where did the old homo escapeons disappear?
    He was always lurking here...
    Why don't you research such stuff from India...we are way ahead in this as we are in owning Kamasutra.

    btw, I never thanked you for writing that poem or rather fiddling with a old poem. Do I owe you one too?

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  4. geoff,
    My Word! Who knows what you were ingesting? One thing is certain if it put some lead in your pencil I will be forced to apologise to 100 million people on an individual basis...crap!

    kindness,
    I believe you. I already regret using it because after 50 looks only 3 people had the fortitude to read the rest of the post...but what are ya gonna do?
    I believe you.

    gautami,
    You gave me heck for my last post on Bollywood and Freddy Mercury.
    I would love to write about the obligatory implications of immediate Chiropractic relief for those foolhardy enough to attempt any reproduction of the impossible positions (aside from Olympic Gymnasts) recommended in the Kama Sutra.

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  5. You seem to consistently make good points with humor. Consider yourself blogrolled. ;)

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  6. My grandfather's brother-in-law invented the karaoke. Seriously.

    The thing is he failed to patent his invention so he did not become the stinking rich gazillionaire he should have been.

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  7. killing animals for the sake of enhanced sexual prowess is sick.

    but the weirdness doesn't end there. i once encountered "placenta" facial cream for flawless skin on a trip to china. go figure.

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  8. Oh this post speaks to my bohemian-veggie-head-animal-rights-activist heart DAS FO SHO and I applaud you for writing it (and yes I am back... can't have you singing sad songs amigo! I apologize for the absence! Oy!)!

    A comprehensive human sexuality education is one way to go... my preferred way actually as it was in a fabulous human sexuality course (one of three) I took back in my uni days at SFSU where the subject, and the idiocy of it all, was broached.

    Spanish fly, for example, are ground up beetles many are convinced is a rare aphrodisiac when in actual fact all it does is irritate the inner lining of the intestine, thus evoking sensations, believe it or not, very similar to sexual arousal but nope... it is NOT actual sexual arousal people!!!!

    But after the dammage Bush has done, and here I am just using the US as an example, getting back on track towards such a thing as comprehensive human sexuality education becoming the norm shall be a battle in and of itself if not a full fledged war!

    Dios mio!

    And speaking as the wife of an acupuncturist and doctor of Oriental medicine, animals need not be killed for natural remedies!!! There are always more realistic and more compassionate alternatives available and as for getting it on? Well, they do say the most important sex organ to be the mind so hey, perhaps a shrink might be in order for some? Just sayin'!

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  9. I can only hope you god-forsaken (obviously, coz he made you live so near the yanks) Canucks have heard of Douglas Adams. Read, if you haven't already, "Last Chance To See". If you were a woman, I'd warn against reading it at a certain time of month - it makes me cry if I'm not careful.

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  10. I want some of that "Aphrodesiac That Came From Homo Escapeon's Ass."

    Now, biatch! Send it C.O.D.

    (That's uh, cock on demand).

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  11. grumblhhoid10:32 AM

    Ah, your arguments for abandoning purported aphrodesiacs,
    sensible to rational minds, hold
    no sway with people who have seen
    where fully reasoned, researched
    and tested medications lead them -
    eating bugs to put a little Lead in
    their pencils makes just as much
    sense.

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  12. I say we start spreading the word to these people that eating their own feces is the best thing that they could possibly do.

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  13. Donn, I am not one to conform. If I do not like something, I will say it. You know that very well.

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  14. My heart did a double-take at that "Erect-o-mite" picture.
    I thought it was a mallet!!!
    That would sure take the wind out of one's ardour!
    No. 53 sounds good with a bowl of fried rice...

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  15. I don't think we can inform and educate those old folks. You know that expression - can't teach a dog new tricks. I think the best we can do is inform and educate the not-so-old folks so that this insanity will end as soon as the current old folk generation is gone. In the meantime maybe we just need to enforce stricter laws where these poor endangered creatures are concerned.

    Interesting and passionate post - I enjoyed it.

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  16. I should point out that Geoff was only using Chinese medicine to tackle a digestive problem, and not for *other reasons*, hem hem.

    God knows, I'm sure he wouldn't want some sort of reputation!

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  17. just the thought of some nasty old codger climbing up your stomach with ground tiger penis on his breath and a wavering resolve, which he blames on you, having already ingested the 'sure cure'
    .....sexaaaaaaay.
    grab a clue, old wrinkly dudes; the 'cure' is more than likely a large part of the problem.
    oh LORDY.

    genius, don!

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  18. chris bradley,
    Thank You!
    I fear that the majority of my rantings from my cyber-soapbox fall on deaf ears because common sense is so passe! Hope springs eternal for idealists.

    Irene,
    That would make for a very enlightening post...Karaoke was the precursor to all of those American Idol type shows that have catapulted participatory programmming to the forefront of the TV schedule.
    I can't imagine how much money he would have made from that patent...or how much money whoever wrote I did it my way would have made?

    menchie,
    Eeww! I am not sure whether it is because China is so isolated from the rest of the world or it is just a matter of old habits die hard..whatever it is has to stop because even 0ne tenth of a Billion people grinding up Tiger Penis spells certain doom for Tigers.

    Mizzy Boheme!!
    Welcome back. I remembered that you were an expert on Spanish Fly and not just because you are stuck in Spain...getting an 'itch in the ditch' has a lot more to do with manipulating the 3 pound organ holding your ears apart than having an intestinal irritation.
    Hopefully Sex Ed (practical scientific information not the burn in hell kind) will become mandatory for kids around the world. If we demystified it and took the 'control' away from the zealots who use it to manipulate the great unwashed we could solve a plethora of problems.
    Great to hear from you.

    stace,
    The hitchhiker's guide to Komodo Dragons! I love Komodo dragons (you probably know that) and although the West only discovered them in the last Century they are amazing replicas of Dinosaurs with bacteria laden Saliva that poisons their prey..eeww...anyway I will have to read it to see what you are talking about.
    Yes we are totally influenced by our proximity to the USA but inside most Americans is a'Canadians' trying to get out!

    shelley,
    I assume that you are referring to Herbert Hoover's famous pledge to have "a chicken in every pot" and a "car in every garage"...right?

    efrem grumblist jr,
    Tru Dat! Well I don't know what to do about this...this segment of the species live forever because they don't stuff their arteries with cholesterol like we do??
    If they limited their boner medicine to bugs I could deal with it...unfortunately they prefer multicellular organisms on the verge of extinction.

    kevin,
    Hmmm I suppose if they had enough sauce? I can't imagine which species they will annihilate after the Tigers, Bears and Rhinos are gone...they sort of need to be big, mucho macho type critters...yikes I just had a vision of them cloning all of those animals to be harvested for boner soup!!!

    gautami,
    I understand.. that is why I am so enamored with with your correction and I wear it as a badge of honor!
    Ha! You like me and all that you ask is that I raise the bar and strive to write something meaningful and artistic...you are a teacher afterall.
    I enjoy reading and examining all of the 'deep thoughts' that others create but I am finding that my voice is that of a common man who receives another question with answer found.

    cream,
    Yeah Baby!
    I'm glad that somebody 'got' my menu. I think that everybody gets a fortune 'nookie' at the end of every meal.

    Hi anna,
    Those rules are so hard to enforce..little black bears in Manitoba are getting poached and their gall sent to Vancouver to be ground up...puh-lease!
    Hopefully these myths die with that generation....why do I have this feeling that they won't..despite all of the information out there...
    WHY WHY WHY!!??

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  19. betty,
    Ahem...if you say so. Did the mixture of ground up Ocelot Spleen and Ginger Seahorse work? I doubt that anyone would suspect Geoff of being anything less than a robust, insatiable, Satyr in the prime of his life.

    first nations,
    Tiger penis breath eeww! One has to wonder what went wong with his wang to drive him to such extreme measure...it is pretty frickin' ridiculous to think that putting some 'Tiger in yer Tank' will help when you are three days older than kerosene...whatever happened to that foot binding fetish anyway?
    I guess the allure of a gnarled nob on the end of your wife's leg just doesn't cut it after a while.
    ((shudders))

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  20. AND they eat horses in France and dogs in Korea - what are you going to do about that?

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  21. ziggi,
    I am putting you in charge of cursing the 'Franch' pour ces pratiques horribles!
    Le cheval est généralement considéré comme le deuxième meilleur ami de l’Homme, après le chien...but most of us could never think of eating our best friends...and Koreans eating and wearing DOGS! WTF!

    Think up your worst spell and zap away...you won't need too many eye of Newt for your cauldron will you? That would sort of defeat the purpose I suppose.

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  22. I never said anything about not liking you...:D

    You are doing fine but I want you to do better!

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  23. gautami,
    I know that you like me in the Sally Fieldian 'really, really like me' way and I know that you think that I could write with more gravitas...but I want this to be fun and there are so many others who are writing such cool, interesting, deep, and thoughtful posts..
    I like where I am and I do appreciate your nudges.
    Thanks
    ((muah!))

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  24. "We've come to this five-star Chinese Herbal Scamshop to make a point.We switched this old perv's tiger penis for ordinary dog dick*. Let's see what happens..."

    I think it needs to be said over and over again, and proved in as many ways as anyone can imagine that this is a placebo effect.

    The Kahns (Gengis and Kubla, not "wrath of") had a recipe for "chai". Not the crap they serve at Dumpy Donuts. This was a high distilate of tea, mixed in equal proportion with honey. I'm betting you could get the same result from two No-Doz and honey. Nevertheless, I think this is a much more environmentally friendly "Ancient Chinese Secret" to palm off on the masses that won't believe science and prefer to smear placentas on their faces.


    *Taken from freshly euthanized household pets that were pampered all their lives. Calm down PETA!

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  25. Well I can't agrue with what you're saying at all. It's amazing some people are so gullable.

    Having said that my friend who works in a pharmacy says that Viagra is the most expensive drug they sell. So maybe that has something to do with it?

    Still, I don't think the problem is anything that a little foreplay can't fix. But maybe I won't be saying that in 30 years.

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  26. Great post, very well set out.
    Dunno about the rest of the girls, but when I go eat at a Thai place I always think of asking for, "Cream of some young guy". But, I have never had the courage to ask for it...lol.

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  27. Never tried Shark Finn Soup, never will either, very sad facts.

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  28. i am becoming a prude. i have nothing to say. oh jeez...

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  29. Some very exotoc dishes there, especially the cock soup LOL!

    Eating sexual organs of animals such as the Tiger penis is so sick! u dun have to kill an animal to get it up do ya! EWWWWWWW!

    Keshi.

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  30. You would only have to check out my junkmail box to find any number of products to assure you that it will be UP IN(of is it for?)18/19/ 20 MINUTES -and not a shark in sight(?).

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  31. I mean "or is it"

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  32. see H.E. the Cock Flavored Soup Mix photo did not deter your those who love you most. Go on...

    (suffers a bit from the Irish flu but Imma gonna be ok!)

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  33. breakerslion,
    Egads! I suppose if they cannot break their nasty habit of curing erectile dysfunction by borrowing something else's that would be an option...one setback may be the fact that those pampered pets are considered more valuable to their owners than other 'people' and this is not a life and death scenario..I see some resistence from owners when signing their pet's 'organ' donor card!

    gullableblogger,
    Let us skip over the list of crazy things that humans persist in believing despite evidence to the contrary...that would be a LONG list!

    cazzie,
    HA! I think that we all realise the the next wave of sounds that 'Anglische' is going to absorb will be all of those wonderful oriental vowelanche type phrases...the language is moving east and nothing can stop it.
    I can't imagine eating a big bowl of mercury laced cartillage!

    kj,
    If the situation wasn't so serious I could dismiss it...but I would rather have Tigers on this planet than sacrificing them so that some 75 year old man can attempt to get a little action!

    keshiroo,
    Well a thousand years of lies, myths and tradition have refused to die...if pharmaceutical companies ever discover the economics of selling 4 billion pills @ $1 vs selling 400 pills at $100 we just might get somewhere.

    lee,
    No kidding. Obviously the demographic group in question does not get enough junk mail. I have my security cranked fairly high so I don't get any 'junk in my inbox'.

    kindness,
    Once again, you are being much to kind. I encourage you to take this 'package' forward and write about it at your earliest convenience.

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  34. $100 each? It's more like $12. Don't ask me how I know. /grin

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  35. shelley,
    I don't mean the little blue pills I am talking about their ridiculous decision to confuse medicine with commerce...it's obscene that business people control pharmaceuticals companies instead of humanitarians...life saving drugs should be free.

    I assume that you asked a pharmacist.

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  36. hell i'm missing out on a lot!
    i just wanna pop round and tell you i'm still a laptop short of an internet connection...
    sheer torture!

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  37. angel,
    OUCH! Talk about separation anxiety..our internet provider was shut down until 9 am this morning and I was already getting antsy...please don't attempt anything foolish...hold on!

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  38. HE,
    I'll need to return to finish this post because of zzzzzz need. Of the portion I read, OMG: definitely agree with you about those aphrodisiacs. YUCK! I realize there may be cultural and historical background reasons, but still.... yuck! When I woo "Gem" I don't think (actually I KNOW- he's not into threesomes or moresomes) he wants any horn but his own charging me...

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  39. uh, on my way departing your intellectually quirky and fun blog, I noticed G's comment about the Kamasutra and your witty reply.
    My flexible take but no photos of that, is it sure as H beats the mere thought of ingesting tiger penis. Then again, I'm a dancer and a gymnast... ;)

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  40. gel,
    Since I am about as felxible as a 2X4 I stand in awe of your abilities.
    The phrase and 60s Pop song
    "I've got a Tiger by the tail" sadly translates into
    "I've bought some Tiger now some tail"
    in other parts of the world.

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  41. dude- you are truly an inspired genius! are you lecturing anywhere on this particular topic somewhere?
    heh heh... it always amazes me how a nation so apparently intelligent and productive can believe in things like rhino horn and tiger penis aphrodisiacs!
    its a lot like our minister of health promoting the treatment of aids and hiv using the african potato and garlic!!!

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  42. angel,
    Garlic has been proven
    (in both Literature and Film)as an effective Vampire repellent.
    The irony of it all is that Vampires are always Satyrs and Nymphomaniacs..so if you want a little action and don't mind paying for it with your life...oh I guess you could also bite back and live forever!
    But as Freddy Mercury sang,
    "Who wants to live for-ev-er!?"

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