Monday, March 19, 2007

THE WHETHER
One of the most prevalent truisms in life is that being a Meteorologist or Weather Person is the best job in the world because you can be wrong everyday and never get fired.

This of course is not entirely true because Politicians, Movie Reviewers and Economists are equally guilty of being totally wrong and yet somehow manage to continue being gainfully employed.

What separates the meteorologists is that talking about the weather is the last vestige of polite society and the only safe topic that we can discuss amongst ourselves in public.

While you are trapped in a check out line at the Supermarket you can’t say things like “Geez that Pope is sure a goofy bugger eh?” or “Wow your implants look fantastic!..Is that a new nose?”

The weather is all that we have left.

This is why getting terrible forecasts is so aggravating. Especially since the meteorologists have the most powerful technology known to mankind and they still screw it up!

At the heart of the matter is the reliance on super computers diagnosing climatic models to ascertain 3 simple frickin’ question:
Is it going to be sunny or cloudy,
warm or cold,
dry or wet!

Instead these people are extrapolating atmospheric computer models at a molecular level dating back to the Big Bang on a $5Billion Super computer! Here is an idea. Why not just put a frickin’ window (one that opens!) in the Environment Canada headquarters.

Put the doughnut down, push yourself away from your cubicle, step away from the computer. Slowly walk towards the window and stick your head outside! Describe what you feel and see.
Now, interpret this raw data into layman’s terms and send it off to the great unwashed mass of humanity who are anxiously awaiting this invaluable information so that they can figure out what to wear today.

If these are the people upon whose prognostications we are basing the theory of global warming upon, we are in serious trouble.
Mother Earth has always used the weather to rid herself of the annoying species that evolve to dominate the planet. Oh sure you can blame the Moon for not ‘taking a bullet’ and failing to stop the comet that ‘killed’ the Dinosaurs, but it was the post impact effects of the weather that probably killed them off.

So why should we be surprised to learn that Mother Earth or ‘Gaia’ has decided to stick with a winner. Perhaps she is currently making arrangements to eliminate us in a similar fashion? We are doing a great job of making it easier for her.

Unfortunately we won’t have much time to get our affairs in order because the weather channel will probably screw up the forecast on that fateful day.

“Sunny today, high of 75, winds from the South at 12 miles per hour with the chance of a cataclysmic extinction level event occurring mid afternoon so dress appropriately.
Have a great day!”

37 comments:

  1. Yeah, it was predicted it would rain today and winters aren't ending so soon. And it was as sunny as in the month of June! Hot, sweaty, horrible.

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  2. Happy Monday!

    I have never understood the fascination with the weather report, and I'm living with a man who never leaves the house without checking it. Huh.
    He'll get up, drink coffee, and tell me the weather. I've started beating him to the punch by having it on my Google homepage. We race to the report. Well, he races. I open a browser.

    What does this have to do with anything? Not a damn thing.

    Happy Monday, Homey! =)

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  3. Aidan used to have a house-mate called Matt... when Matt was asked how the weather was looking, he would sit at his computer, open up the Beaurea of Meterology website, and search for current weather conditions... Aidan would stare in amazement, as Matt's computer was right next to a window he could have opened to find the same information a lot quicker.

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  4. The weather report on TV is always done in the most lyrical way here and then I think : please, just tell me if it is going to rain or not, this is not a poetry program.

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  5. weather update from new south wales: a warm, sunny and perfect day :). See, that's a little nicer than discussing erections ;). Actually...try it... "Nice day we're having" OR "Nice erection you're having". You be the judge.

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  6. the only time I bother to check the weather in the news or online is when I'm about to travel to a place where there's more than two seasons.

    other than that, it doesn't take a genius to figure out it's either hot, hotter or raining where I live.

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  7. Hey HE, how have you been?

    ...and perhaps if we stopped trying to control and predict the things we have no control over, and instead viewed those processes with respect and awe, we wouldn't be in this place.

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  8. Fine, partly cloudy day. Light to moderate northwest winds turning moderate north to northeast in the afternoon on the coast.

    That's Sydney for ya todai :)

    Keshi.

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  9. I don't like the weather people. They are always wrong. Always.

    Get your fucking forecasts right. Don't bother with a 14 day forecast when you can't even tell me what the weather is going to be mid-week.

    Pardon my language.

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  10. Years ago something happened at the Australian BOM and all the radio stations and tv stations couldnt get a forecast for the next day. So, because there were on;y very few stations about in Melbourne back then, they all called each other and agreed to gve the same forecast as each other, just speculating what it might be next day. They said, "It may be cloudy with some expected showers and may be sunny at times". LOL, it was the most accurate of forecasts yet!!!

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  11. There's no point in having a weather report here in Vancouver. It's always the same thing. Showers followed by downpour. Just ask WW. Where is he anyway?

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  12. gautami,
    They don't know. I am staying in a temperate zone to play out the odds..here in the middle of the continent we are sheltered from tsunamis and volcanos so all we have to deal with are blizzards (extreme cold in Winter) and tornados (extreme heat in Summer) and barring a Comet strike we just might survive 2007.

    shelley,
    Talking about the weather is the only topic that has not been kidnapped by the PC Police...so far.
    I have no doubt that someday we won't be able to say Summer and Winter because they are climatocentric generalisations.

    stace,
    HA! I think that the attraction is the thought that we can see into the future..unlike Mediums the guesswork involved does contain elements of Scientific Methodology and therefore retains an air of respectability.
    I predict that tomorrow will be light during the day and getting dark towards evening...see there is something comforting in the knowledge that atleast one thing in Life is certain.

    hildegarde,
    I guess it must be dreadfully tedious to have the same sort of weather all of the time. We do have four distinct seasons although they are starting to overlap a little more...Earth is getting ready to replace us with a better tenant.

    lee, lee, lee,
    What's wrong with discussing erections now and then. Look at me now..reduced to discussing the frickin' weather...and they say that the blogosphere is irrelevent!

    menchie,
    I would expire in a climate that was hot, hotter or raining. My internal thermostat can cope in the mid 20s but after that I start complaining..if I have to do something out of doors

    ..if I can just lay about and putter around the yard I can take a little more heat...but then I need to be near a large body of shark-free water.

    angela,
    Hmm..you may be right..when we think that we can predict Mother Nature I think that Freudian Complexes come into play. Despite our best efforts there are just too many variables involved and we are living in distinct environmental niches that demand catastrophic weather..it is called Nature...even if we think that we are masters of the universe (well the planet anyway) we always seem stunned that it will harm us...we are so conceited that we take it personally and call it an act of god! HUH!?

    keshiroo,
    Sounds nice...I would prefer a little more Sun down on Bondi so that I can take in the sights with my shades on. It is finally starting to thaw here..actually in Manitoba the older generation has a unique habit of saying UN-thaw.

    forecastmyassblogger,
    See that's what I am talking about...someone who is passionate about those zany weather people who don't need to be correct to keep their job...it's an awesome concept that defies logic.

    cazzie,
    That pretty much sums it up for me. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse eh? Like fortune tellers all you have to do is cover your ass with gross generalizations and you have got it made!
    That is a funny story.

    mj,
    I have no idea how you can cope with drizzle, grey, drizzle, grey, drizzle, grey..I would go insane...we have about 10 billion more hours of sunlight each year and I could never adapt to drizzle, grey....I have been there quite a few times and ONCE I saw Burrard lit up by SUNLIGHT that peeked through the clouds for atleast 20 minutes...gorgeous view.
    I wonder if it ever happened again?

    WW is AWOL because he hasn't commented on my blog for several weeks and so I had my henchmen remove a portion of his frontal lobe for being such a weiner.
    What is left of his brain is inadequate for Blogging but still more than enough to write Sports.

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  13. donn, I think you spooked them. They predicted rains and it did. So much for not carrying my umbrella..Next time you carry it for me..

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  14. gautami,
    I would be honored.
    In fact I would carry you over puddles on my shoulders, far above the madding crowd and through the sea of humanity.

    Let me be your Shelter from the Storm...
    I think that is Dylan, Bob, not Thomas.

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  15. I have a simmering hate on for that chirpy ctv weather chatterer who thinks that she can actually manipulate the weather herself. I mean-- WHY THE &(*& is she apologizing for the weather? Should someone with such grandiose notions be allowed on television?

    Now when I'm at Superstore, I like to ask the feller behind me; "Hey, what do YOU think of these babies? Not bad for four kids, eh? What? you think I need WHAT?"

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  16. joyce,
    HA! That is so true..why does the Weather girl always parade about like she is Athena and pretend to be telling us whatever weather she has chosen for us mere mortals to endure on that particular day?

    Now then...
    Stupidstore..ahem...
    ....my wife has forbidden me to accompany her to the Stupidstore because I don't do well around the vast majority of their 'average customers'
    (YOU SHOPPING THERE IS AKIN TO ANGELINA JOLIE RUNNING INTO DOLLORAMA!)
    who in my mind are the rudest-inbred-slackjawed-dimwitted-smelliest-inconsiderate-pushy-ignorant-ugly-sonofabitches that I have ever met...who think nothing of pushing their cart into you or elbowing your grandmother and throwing her to the floor in order to get the last package of the 2 Litre capacity Tampons with the handy pneumatic applicator!


    If you ever need to feel fantastic about yourself just put on your best sweatpants and waltz into the ground zero for rude idots!
    HOW I LOATHE THAT PLACE!AAARRRGGGHHH!

    I will never forget the time that I watched their single-celled-cracker-low-life-pond-scum-employees YELL AND SCREAM at distraught Grannys, and Mom's clutching their crying Babies, for daring to cross their sacred f*cking picket line during one of their bi monthly strikes..

    OK... gotta get my nitro pills... I'm too upset to talk about it...

    let's just say that one minute after I am sworn in as Prime Minister all of their stores will be razed to the ground and their name shall be stricken from the records forever!

    So let it be written,
    so let it be done!

    Bet you weren't expecting this over the top response eh? Crap all of those years of therapy and I never once dealt with my hatred of Stupidstore...perhaps this is what is holding me back from fully re-entering society.

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  17. you aren't from the west coast, bubbie. south of crescent city: sun.
    north of crescent city: rain.
    weather isn't worth discussing here.

    we have actually discovered another neutral subject to discuss amongst each other while standing in lines:
    CARS.
    " whaddayou drive?" is the new "a gracious good day, madame, and may god's sun shine on you!"

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  18. At least global warming is, finally, with the rest of the weather, becoming less controversial. Bush has had to admit it. It's funny how much of life now revolves around: "Has George Bush figured this one out yet?"

    I guess the question is whether as a species we can collectively control ourselves to make its effects less than catastrophic.

    So far, on the whole, we seem to have about the same level of self control as maybe viruses or white rabbits but I'll hold off from making a forecast.

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  19. hehe @ Manitoba the older generation has a unique habit of saying UN-thaw.


    I'm only 20mins drive away from Bondi :)


    Keshi.

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  20. Spring fashions have been out for awhile now and I am so ready to be done with winter (although this winter was exceptionally mild for the most part). It was -9 this morning, but felt like -22 with the wind. Enough already! They tell me it'll be 16 on Thursday (not -16, +16). Woohoo! I need to go shopping for lovely sandals!

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  21. first nations,
    I guess that is true..when the weather is always bleh you have to put it out of your mind.
    Our Federal Government just slapped a $4000 levy on SUVs in Canada so now all of those soccer Moms are going to be cutting me off in Hybrids for the rest of my life...that's progress?

    paul,
    HA! Rabbits!
    You're right about curious George..Alien life forms would be very curious to figure out how someone so 'slow' could be the most powerful man on Earth for 8 years.

    keshiroo,
    20 minutes! When I get there that's the first place that we're goin'. I know a few Canucks who spent a lot of time sightseeing at Bondi...sounds very appealing.

    anna,
    Spring has not sprung over here and it won't for another month..that official date is a joke unless you live about 10 degrees of lattitude to the South.
    Oh well it was melting today so we may get through March without a blizzard...hope I didn't just jinx it.

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  22. Hello!

    Maybe we live in a dream and the constantly capricious weather is a sign to us that our powers of knowledge and perception are remarkably limited within the said dream. Good post x

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  23. jammer,
    I definitely live in a dreamworld.
    To a Solipsist Soliloquist like myself I am keenly aware that the 'weather' is a figment of my imagination.

    I know for certain that at this very moment I am lying in a big glob of jello and that the mild electrical energy in my naked body is being harnessed by the mysterious society known as the Priory of Sion.

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  24. well Im close to many beaches hehe.

    Keshi.

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  25. There will be plagues of Flies,
    Blood will fill the rivers,
    Winds will howl Oceans will rise.
    Seas with take all ships that dare travel across them. There will be droughts in iceland and floods in the Sahara desert The grand Cayon will once again will fill with water and the snow will disappear from the Rockies........

    For the rest of the day it will be fine and mild with and est temp of 25C.

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  26. Oh, I'm missed reading your posts.
    To think I almost married a meterologist.
    Now I see "Viagra soup" below. ROFLMAO!
    P.S. I broke down and posted photos of a green person...but I may become chicken (without any need of viagra!!!) and delete them.

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  27. Well H.E. I reckon its been summer in South Australia for 6 months now. Guess they are gonna have to squeeze the other 3 seasons into the last 6 months of the year.

    We've had autumn clothes in the stores for weeks and soon they will have winter gear before we've even had Autumn. Now I'm getting confused.

    Oh btw let me formerly introduce myself. I am Angel without Wings, formerly known as Madame Butterfly. Yes I am back and you can find me at
    karenangelwithoutwings.blogspot.com. I couldn't stay away, this is my therapy and I find myself needing it more and more.

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  28. I'm smiling at your reply to me, HE. That's nice x

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  29. keshshasha,
    I bet that you know them well.

    whitesnake,
    Excellent forecast! Won't happen in my lifetime though..I read that this cycle happens about once every 14,000 years...I just hope that we concentrate on preserving what little fresh water we have..the weather we can't fix..the water we can.

    gel,
    Was your meteorologist a predictable sort of feller or was he a bit scattered? Probably foggy in the morning, sunny at midday with a few periods of clouds in the afternoon.

    angelwithoutwings!
    Ta-Da! Smart choice now is the time that you need to communicate and get feedback so that you don't feel so alone...because you aren't!

    It has been a HOT summa downunda eh? Sometimes our winters feel like they last 9 months..until it gets really hot and then we complain about the heat..can't win really.

    jammer,
    ((beep))
    ((beep))
    ((beep))
    ((beep))

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  30. Whoah! Low blow there, man! I think you shoulda been a weatherman...

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  31. weird weatherman,
    Low Blow to whom? Weather people?
    What? You don't consider them journalists do you? Why are you defending them? I have used a lot of ? in this reply eh?
    Where have you been anyway? I don't care if you're too f*cking tired or lazy to read everybody else's blogs and you're on some la-di-da hiatus you still have to read mine anyway!

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  32. too true dude- and lately i've been receiving email after email with pictures of the freak high tides along my country's east coast!
    d'you think its maybe a revenge conspiracy for bad mouthing the moon?

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  33. angel,
    "I see a bad moon a-risin'"...
    "Looks like we're in for nasty weather"
    Isn't Life sstrange...for decades now the aging population of the US has been moving south and to the coastlines...just as the Sea levels prepare to rise..D'OH!

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  34. donn, thanks for the offer. But I am not featherlight! I do not wish for either of us to break our bones!

    I do know both the Dylans. How can I not. I admire Dylan Thomas for his villanelle.."Do not go gentle into that good night"

    Alas, I have not been able to write one..rather complete one that I started two years back!

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  35. ok, that was the best-est-est retort ever! SA-WHEAT!

    If you implode all stupor-stores, whatever will I do with my pc points? Where will I get my pc cola? What will happen to the pc geriatric flyer-hander-outer/security guard-I-used-to-be-a-dentist-in-the-developing-world-guy?

    You have no idea how passionately, how seriously I take my superstore.

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  36. No, you dimwit, I was saying the low blow was to me in your comments section!

    You know I detest all TV weathermen, unless they're weatherwomen and good-looking.

    I am trying to get around as much as I can...to your blogs and to others...

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  37. He was predictable to a "fault" "weather" or not his forecasts were well-received. Ain't no sunshine now that he's gone...It did drive him up a wall that I predicted the weather more accurately than he did, more often, and w/out a meteorology degree. (Of course, as your post says, that's not a difficult accomplishment!)

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