Sunday, January 07, 2007

History is factually Ourstory

In 1582 the GREGORIAN (Pope Gregory 13th) Calendar was established to replace the JULIAN (Julius Caesar) Calendar because it was too long and added a few extra days over time.

One year earlier an Irish child was born who would one day unveil the fact that the world began on October 23rd, 4004 BC! "IT WHAT?!"

Anglican Bishop James Ussher (1581-1656) dutifully investigated the book of Genesis to determine the exact years of NOAH'S FLOOD and the CREATION of ADAM & EVE.
"Your basic no-brainer!"

Since 4 BC had sort of been picked as the birth year of Jesus (see MITH about Christmas) all he had to do was subtract 4,000 BC... DONE!
Alright to be fair Ussher thought that everyone mentioned in the Bible were actual people so all he had to do was trace the geneaologies back to ADAM.

"Holy Begats Batman!"

Unfortunately it is virtually impossible to corroborate any historical figures in the Bible past Saul, the first King of Israel in the year 1020 BC.
"A-be-dee-a-be-dee-a- that's Saul Folks!"

From all other contemporary historical sources such as Egyptian, Greek, Roman or Sumerian etcetera there are no written records of any other biblical figures beyond this point.
"Anybody-here, seen my old friend Abraham? Can you tell me where he's gone?"

Ussher had the mistakenly placed Saul at around 1095 BC instead of 1020BC, not bad. The rest of his guesses get wonky. Ussher liked 1490 BC for the Exodus from Egypt although Ramses 2nd was Pharoah at about 1237 BC.
"Let my people go ...You damn dirty ape,"Charlton Heston,

(I always get those movies mixed up!)

The most obvious oops (granted Ussher had no way of knowing that there never was a wordwide flood) was putting Noah and the Great Deluge in the year 2349 BC. It is interesting to note that the Tigris and Euphrates were prone to floods and from what I have read a massive event had occurred in Mesopotamia around 2800 BC but the Sumerian and Egyptian Empires were both flourishing unfettered by global flooding around 2300 BC.
"There's gonna be a floody floody!"

Many scholars agree that the Jews started piecing together the Bible around 586 BC while experiencing the hospitality of the Babylonians. During this captivity the traditional tales of a catastrophic flooding, fables like the Epic of Gilgamesh, became the inspiration for the Hebraic Noah.

There are obvious connections to the mythical pre-flood Sumerian Kings and their fantastic life spans. Likewise the Biblical Patriarchs of Noah enjoyed incredibly ridiculous longetivity. Methusaleh apparently lived to be 939 years old.
"Uh Huh."

Regardless, there is not a shred of evidence to suggest that the entire world experienced Noah's flood.
We now know that the Sumerians were writing and recording events starting as early as 3100 BC. This helps us to trace the history of Mesopotamia and Egypt to within putting distance of Usshurs guesstimate of 4004 BC. We have uncovered evidence of celebrities and civilisations such as Nebuchadnezzar & Chaldeans, Esarhaddon & Assyrians, Hammurabi & Babylonians, Sargon & Sumerians back to Narmer & Egyptians around 2850 BC!

We have also unearthed some of the first cities such as Catal Huyuk dating back to 7,500 BC and Jericho to about 9,000 BC! We won't wander past this point in OURstory because obviously we can travel much further and more accurately in reverse than Ussher could.

What about the allegorical ADAM & EVE popping up on October 23rd, 4004?

Well I actually believe in EVE! Mitochondrial EVE, she lived about 150,000 years ago in Africa and every single one of us homo escapeons on the planet shares her DNA.
So why are some folks in Kansas (there is no place like home Dorothy) still insisting on teaching this nonsense about a 6ooo year old planet in the Science curriculum?



  1. Anonymous3:00 p.m.

    That has me enquiring a little deeply into the origins of things. I should stop right there; it's a Sunday after all. A funny and informative read, though.

  2. Happy New Year Laddy!
    Hope that 007 is full of lightbulb moments!
    Congratulations on slogging through this post...
    one man's ceiling is another man's floor.

  3. Well done... *lifts hat to you*
    i thought it was 0700 on the 23rd of October 4004 BC... (approximately)... it would of been a lot easier if GOD had a blog...
    Dear diary,
    Today i created the heavens and the universe... it was sooo cool!.

    Bible stories like all myths are based on something actual... Noahs Ark was probably a result of explainind the the flooding and of Mesopotamia and the appearence of rainbows. ALot easier then trying to explain the water cycle and spliting of light.

    Now i am stuck with the mental image of Moses, in front of the sphinx, screaming " damn you all, damn you all to hell"

    Thanks for annother enlightening post:)

  4. Anonymous5:10 p.m.

    Great post once again. Naturally I'll need to read it another 28 times to let it all absorb.
    Tell me this though...does all this flow straight from brain to blog or do you need to sit with ancient texts for a while before. Just curious.
    Incidentally, did you know that Pope Gregory VII was Pope Gregory HILDEBRAND. He was exiled because of some of his crazy ideas.

  5. Anonymous5:22 p.m.

    I believe the Papal Gregorio will be writ in history as
    Sorry...I did not sleep well.
    Is there something in the drinking water up there that occasions such good blogging from you guys?

  6. As always you blow my mind! You have a way of breaking everything down. Even the hubby checks in. I try to visit your blog when I have a good amount of time because I enjoy it so much, and unlike us bad bloggers you update regularly.

    When are you going to write a book? Any ideas on what you might write about?


  7. Oh I feel like leaving a serious comment but after seeing your photos at WW's I can only say you are absolutely a darling cutie!

  8. u r too smart and too analytical HE that I feel like a blondy boo. Well anyways this post got me thinking...good isnt it :)


  9. Anonymous9:33 p.m.

    Could someone please loan me 50 IQ points so I can make a comment worthy of this post?

  10. grumbuler10:28 p.m.

    Interesting, but it has that same "elephants through the eye-
    of-a-needle" feel. I'm not sure that we'll ever get within a stone's through of reconciling ancient time/date records with our
    modern techniques (even if we could
    agree on which record-keeping systems to compare). And the World
    obviously wasn't tied together as
    it is, today- local phenomena,
    occuring at such-and-such time/place/date (their scales, not
    ours), were probably palmed off as
    worldwide events. At least, as they
    saw things, then.

  11. i'm with brian the mennonite--i had to read this 28 times. where do you come up with all this material? and why did you leave out that noah had a documented problem with alcohol?

    i haven't seen your picture on ww's blog--i'm on my way. but since i already have a crush on him, i am kinda committed already....


  12. Yo HE. Long time no comment from me. Another good one, of course, that goes without saying. I wonder what calendar Ussher refers to? 23rd Oct according to Gregorian, Julian, or some system of dating that goes even further back? I always laugh at so-called significant dates like that... also New Years Eve - it's only the "new year" because we all agree it is, otherwise it's meaningless! As for Christmas, don't even get me started... religious changes, cultural changes, calendar changes - all of these contribute to make Christmas Day laughable as the birthdate of Jesus. Argh, now you've got me started. I told you not to do that!

  13. aidan,
    I love the notion of having Charlton Heston combining lines from Planet Of The Apes and The Ten Commandments..oh the irony!

    I usually double check the dates but most of that trivia is lodged in the back of my noggin..
    the sad remains of an honest attempt by an earnest young man to somehow find the middle path..
    all of the while hoping that in the end the truth shall set me free.

    verrr-rry interesting..good night Lucy..
    (did you ever watch Laugh In)
    Would that make Julius Caeser
    the Man In Toga?

    If you could be my agent I would consider it..
    I have an outline for a story about four old friends discussing Life (sex/drugs/rock n roll/politics/religion/music and the plight of other multi cellular life froms) after the death of the fifth wheel who held the group together...
    it sounds deadly dull but it is a Comedy.

    You can butter me up if you like but if you need to take exception or vehemently oppose anything that I write please be my guest...
    good questions deserve good answers.

    I hope that it wasn't too tedious..
    I have to get this out of my system every once and a while..
    especially after picking on those poor defenseless celebrities.

    Ha if I lend you 50 I will be in the hole...
    besides the IQ is an antiquated and poor measurement of a person's smarts..
    unless you wrote the questions!

    Yah Yah, the point that I was trying to make is that we need to inspect the sources of our traditions and NEVER just accept hand-me-down History..
    it is easy to just go along with the program and in many ways I am a 'bad machine' and I have no doubt that if a Theocracy ever prevailed in your country that special re-education officers will have to come up with some fancy schmancy Historical Rewrites to justify the official government position that they are divinely predestined to help Israel(but not the Israelites which is weird if you think about it) rid themselves of their enemies and speed up the return of you-know-who...
    and stranger things have happened.

    Yes indeed after having being chosen as the only man on the entire planet that could be trusted by the supreme force of the universe the first thing that Noah does after having witnessed the destruction of mankind..
    he gets plastered and passes out nekked..
    not a good start.
    I understand your crush on WW because he is so sensitive and very in touch (probably more often than you could imagine) with his feelings.

    You Go Girl! Go ahead let it out..
    you'll feel better...
    we humans need to classify things down to a scale that fits our life cycle...
    not very many creatures live as long as we do...
    imagine what our Calendar would look like if we only lived 3 or 5 years...
    you have to consider that 30 years was a decent life expectancy for 99% of all humans that ever lived.

  14. Brilliant, as usual, HE.

    There might have been a massive flood at some point in Earth's history, such as if a meteor created the Yucatan peninsula as in Alvarez's hypothesis. But there would have been no one around to pass the story on.

    For pre-literate peoples, mythologies were an excellent teaching tool, but they have no revelence in today's world, beyond being entertaining,

  15. laura elizabeth,
    The fact that we can go back further from the Western World's imaginary starting point of 4 OR 6 BC should be worth noting. Surely during the height of the Egyptian or Babylonian Empires mankind must have thought that they had reached the apex of Life on Earth...
    were it not for our destructive tendencies I would guess that 1,000 years from now humans would look back at our Civilization and laugh at how awkwardly we managed ourselves..
    unfortunately we are now well equipped to convert 3 billion years of Evolution back to viral supremecy with the flick of a few buttons.

  16. Anonymous10:06 a.m.

    Assuming that the Noah event wasn't simply made up by an ancient blogger to impress his audiance, it is quite possible that the area that now comprises the Mediterranian sea was once a below-sea-level plain/valley that was flooded by a breach of Gibralter by some pretty heavy geologic event like a massive earthquake (or maybe the fusion reactor test at Atlantis). Noah could have simply been clairvoyant, thinking God was informing him of the upcoming extreme landscaping makeover. The breach might have been relatively minor at first, so that the ark was lifted by rising waters rather than being wiped out by a huge wave. Still, I don't think one man or a small family was capable of building a barge the size of a large cruise liner with that level of techno sophistication at that time, unless the bastard hired alot of neanderthals to do the work and left them out to drown.

    As for fundamentalist insistance on fairy tales, well, it's easier to pass on bullshit than to think. That's the fundamentalist way. Thinking is dangerous and can't be encouraged with inquiry, fact checking, or critical thinking.

  17. Anonymous10:31 a.m.

    Several years ago I saw a documentary on a bunch of theists and scientists who set out to prove the Deluge theory behind the Noah story. This is from the dreges of memory... but... as I recall they determined the Noah myth was based on a real natural catastrophe which took place in or around the Red Sea. To these people it certainly seemed as if the world had been destroyed - I can understand how the myth arose. Not only is the story of humanity written by the victors, it's also written by the survivors. The unwillingness of some moderns to look at reality and tell the even more amazing story than the simplified myths that have been passed down is beyond my ability to comprehend.

    Another version of the Flood story is if you're not familiar with it.

    What the future will think of us makes me cringe and want to leave a message in a bottle that says something along the lines of "please don't laugh, they weren't all morons."

  18. THE michael,
    Ooh la la!
    Certainly early bloggers would have been greatly influenced by natural catastrophes so I propose that we invade Turkey and get up on Mount Ararat and dig up the bloody thing and prove once and for all that there simply wasn't enough room for

    green alligators and long necked geese,
    some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees,
    some cats and bats and elephants and sure as you're born,
    the loveliest of them all was
    the u-ni-corn!

    laura e,
    Thanks for the link..I have viewed many programs on locating the Garden of Eden, Abraham's city of Ur, Noah's Floodplain and they are all desperate in their attempts to quantify the supremecy of biblical historical authenticity...which is not where we should start.
    Let me add a note to your message in a bottle (play the Police: sending out an S.O.S)that reads

    If you invent a Time Machine please come back and get us.

  19. reyspoutine2:18 p.m.

    yeah, yeah, yeah, but the real question is, what did you think of 'Rocky'?

  20. D, I don't think it sounds dull at all. Knowing your writing style I think it would be a perfect fit. Can't wait.

    I'll be your agent, Bebe! They call me "Killer" for a reason. ;)

  21. Anonymous3:11 p.m.

    HE, I thought you (and others) might be interested:

    Another alternate theory. Some of these I was familiar with, some I had never read of before so I'm off to do some research :)

  22. Hey! Just take my comments as they are please. I have seen the photos!

  23. reyspoutine,
    That lovable mook came out smelling like a rose in this farfetched but satisfying finale to the Rocky series.
    His dearly beloved ADRIAN!! gone he is left aimlessly retelling stories in his restaurant until Pauly gives him whatfor...and then it's off to rope a dope heaven. YO!

    Ok bebe!
    Maybe I will fire it up..of course my hard drive is somewhere next to the Titanic and my first draft is being read by Davy Jones..
    I think I can, I think I can.

    It is so awesome having you retrieve all of these mental bon bons for my wittle bwain to digest..
    you're amazing.

    Yes Dear.

  24. What's really tragic is that Noah's descendants were lacking the deductive reasoning gene and it's taken THIS long for those of us who survived the flood to evolve that particular talent and sift through the rubble and piece together OURstory.

    The people in Kansas who don't question what they've been told (and don't exercise the ole deductive reasoning muscle on much of anything) are the left-overs of Noah's blood-line.

    Either that, or the devil is doing all this. Yep, that's it, it's Satan's fault. We should've known!

  25. do not start me on what the damn romans did to the calender so that any attempt at roman gregorian julian cornholian type calender thingies is unbelieveably tangledey fuck from the get go.
    I think its awesome that we all come from an african woman. Mud Muk sez: in your fucking face David Duke!!!!! that kicks ass!

  26. Well you and I have joked often about Kansas and its ridiculous addiction to fairy tales.

    But I waited on the Turkish border for three days in 1980 to get into Iran, directly in the shadow of Mount Ararat.

    And I tell you, you can see the ark up there! Right on the peak, under some snow.

    No, really.

  27. Sadly, I have nothing even remotely intelligent to say. Thank you for the interesting post.

  28. "Regardless, there is not a shred of evidence to suggest that the entire world experienced Noah's flood."

    Maybe not *then* but have you been in Vancouver lately?

  29. na u get my cranium working :)


  30. If people could get past this obsession with every word of the Bible being literally true and exact, its still miraculous. Those stories were passed down orally from generation to generation for millenia, and yet...

    The mitochondrial Eve was only found a few years ago. The pain human women have in childbirth is scientifically due to to large braincase humans developed after an improvement in nutrition, which is awful damn close to eating of the tree of knowledge. Fish evolved after plants but before mammals and birds. The fact that ancient people knew these things is astounding. Who told them all this?

    Both the Literal Fundamentalists and atheists base their faith on whether the Bible is literally correct, so faith will decrease with each incident of dissonance. My faith is enhanced by the miracle that it is as correct (allegories or not) as it is!

  31. kevin,
    Some of the best Blog sites dedicated to keeping Religion out of the Science Curriculum are in Kansas. One of my favorites opens with Welcome To Kansas, Please set your watch back 100 years!

    first nations,
    Mongo make Mud Muk happy.
    Mongo Happy.
    Like you I myself prefer the Corholian Calendar and it's strict adherence to celebrating the 12 months of the year in which Humans do something stupid and pretend that it didn't happen.
    Did David Duke ever become the Governor of one of those States in the Deep South?

    Wax On Wax Off,
    Why didn't you just run up and grab a piece..whatssamatta for you..
    'fraid of spending a decade or two in a Turkish Prison like Billy Hayes did in Midnight Express?

    Nonsense.If the topic is exceedingly tedious just change the subject and talk about something for me.

    YOWZA! Vancouver is a disaster this year...the only things missing are the inevitable Earthquake and a Volcanic eruption.
    What is going on there? Perhaps this will finally bring down your ridiculously overinflated housing market.

    Out here on the Prairies we are having the nicest Winter since the first humans arrived 10,000 years ago...the majority kept migrating East to Toronto and Montreal..
    except for the 'dreamers' who stayed and made this place the wholesale capital of the world.

    I'm still thinking about your Mr Perfect Dream Lovah that you met on the trolley...oooh he had such big feet..c'mon you know that is a myth..
    look at Henri Toulouse Lautrec(check spelling) the leetle 4 foot nuzzing guy making zee posters of zee Can Can Ladeeze...
    he was only deez high, lying down!

    miss celania,
    Bravo! Always look on the bright side of life. Good for you. Of course there were many valuable insights offered to those ancients and it may have slowed down our species unbridled penchant for eliminating all other humans.
    I do have a slight problem with the Creator making the Sun a day after creating plants...DOH!

  32. **..c'mon you know that is a myth..

    is it? Cries a bucket of tears then :*(

    **look at Henri Toulouse Lautrec(check spelling) the leetle 4 foot nuzzing guy making zee posters of zee Can Can Ladeeze...
    he was only deez high, lying down!

    lol I didnt u'stand anything here. Plz explain in Keshi-language :)


  33. Keshi!!! Get with it!! Haven't you ever spoken in fake French before? It's the world's most teasable dialect!!!

    Think Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies. Think of Pepe Le Pew, the skunk in Bugs Bunny toons.


    the little 4-foot-nothing guy making the posters of the Can Can Ladies...
    he was only this high, lying down!

    (Sorry HE, couldn't resist)

  34. keshiroo,
    what he said
    & wax on wax off,
    thanks for answering my mail,
    I'll be in my office if you need me

  35. Yes I'll summon you with my "assistant/secretary" buzzer, should I require. Go along now

  36. wax on whacks off,
    You are such a big weiner!

  37. Anonymous3:09 a.m.

    oh boy... thats a lot to think about dude!
    personally, i believe eve was the first jewish woman, since they are god's chosen people. genesis states that god created man in his image inside the 7 days of creation, i believe adam and eve came after that. i believe the flood happened- but not the entire planet... and i call myself a christian!?!!!

  38. angel,
    How are you?
    Well I am glad that you have sorted it out for yourself..
    I'm not sure that I follow but hey it's your cosmology and you might as well enjoy it!

  39. LOL okkkk WW n HE gotcha tnxxx! Wax on ha!!! :):)


  40. keshi,
    Ww probably hasn't even caught that (wax on)yet..sheesh!

  41. Anonymous1:17 p.m.

    Thanks for refreshing my memory.I needed to jog it after the unusual cold in Delhi this year.

    Better this than refreshing blogger.

  42. gautami,
    Blogger just allowed me to publish a modest post...I feel as if we are turning a corner here gautami.
    It is going to be 40 degrees below zero count your blessings my dear.


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