Monday, December 15, 2008

Tidings of Discomfort and Joy
A Ghost Of Chrizzmuz Past revisited;17/12/06

Since it 'tis the season of giving and receiving perhaps we should examine where most of you will be getting it.

What I mean is where exactly in the house do you prefer to unwrap your favorite present?

Outside the weather is frightful so that's out...

a spontaneous romantic excursion under a decorated tree can be quite exhilerating but it is a recipe for disaster what with all of the electrical cords and fragile decorations dangling precariously overhead..and the misletoe out in the front hallway might seem like a great idea until you notice wide eyed relatives gawking through the window of your front door...oops.

The temptation to stuff our stockings in unusual places arrives with the increased opportunities thanks to the respite from working schedules and having children off playing with new games and toys for hours on end.

How many times can you watch It's A Wonderful Life...No Really?

You can discount the bedroom and sofas during the Holidays because they are used exclusively to sleep off the staggering effects of nightly gluttony and the accompanying Trytophanic coma as well as self inflicted overconsumption of Holiday Spirits..

AH RUM PUM PUM RUM!

So wishing that special loved one a VERRRRY Merry Christmas may take place in a cozy bubble bath,

a romantic, squeaky, shower,

or

how

about

trying

out

that

brand

new

LOVE SWING that the special someone in your life just gave you to help make the twelve days of Christmas unforgettable. http://www.loveswing.com/index2.htm

If you are looking for a new way to enjoy a little monkey business with your prime mate then here it is. Talk about needing some prehensile tail!

Use of this apparatus is of course restricted to adult members of the population who are either Circus Acrobats, Olympic Gymnasts, Yogic Contortionists or Astronauts currently orbiting the Earth in a gravity free environment.

Personally I have no idea how bored or drunk you would have to be to even contemplate risking a few minutes of pleasure for a few months in traction...

and how does one go about persuading your gravitationally challenged partner to risk life & limb and climb aboard without the aid of vast quantities of Tequila or LSD?

Who dreams up these things..and where in your home could you actually suspend this monstrosity...for starters I am positive that I weigh more than these two models combined..bad pun..

I suppose that you could find some strong, accessible overhead beams out in the Carport or in the Garage, neither of which are very conducive to romantic encounters.

What happens once you are up there..which in itself would be reward enough for me! At my age couch dismounts can be tricky enough never mind having dangled three feet off of the ground like some half assed spiderman.

This looks like a recipe for disaster and I would insist on having a phone hanging within reach in case of a charlie horse or some sort of chiropractic catastrophe!

Just to be on the safe side an updated Last Will and Testament should be posted in plain site for the forensic team to find when (and if) your bodies are ever discovered. With all of those straps twisting and turning I am positive that the forces of Natural Selection would inevitably kick in and remove you from the gene pool at the first available opportunity.

Wouldn't you just end up hanging your on-the-go clothes on this thingamabob like the stairclimber and other exercise equipment that you store in your bedroom? Despite the proprietary guarantee of an Orgasm a day I suspect that an emergency Organ reattachment by the end of the day would be a more likely.

Maybe I already have too many hangups!

60 comments:

  1. Love that title, Tidings of Discomfort and Joy...

    The url you have up just brings us to their logo, but I wonder how much this stupid thing costs?

    What a goofy idea for something you can do in so many other imaginative, safe ways.

    You can hang a mistletoe anywhere, for starters...and who would be able to fit UNDER a Christmas tree...and not get stuck by needles?

    Nah, you'd have to kick the kids out, get the fireplace roaring, throw a blanket down right in front of it, turn on some tunes, have the Christmas lights goin' and Jingle Hell's Bells, you're rockin.

    ReplyDelete
  2. without a lovesling,
    I fixed the url so you can find out monkey man.
    For starters what do you think they really mean when they sing
    'Rockin around the Christmas
    Tree!' No Really!
    Makin Xmas Whoopee in front of the Fireplace is too risky because Santa may be hiding there with a camera and you just might end up on YouTube.
    HO HO HO!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous12:59 AM

    Ever get a pine needle somewhere it shouldn't be? I'm thinking that's not going to cause romantic feelings to spring up. Ouch!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous12:59 AM

    Ever get a pine needle somewhere it shouldn't be? I'm thinking that's not going to cause romantic feelings to spring up. Ouch!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous5:41 AM

    "prime mate." ha!


    i gotta be the voice of dissent here. I think the swing looks like fun. I would.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous6:53 AM

    As I said on within without's blog, I have given love a break. So I don't have to worry about the contraption you mention. If I am tempted a tiny bit, I know I gotta lose some weight!

    I don't want broken anything after that dislocation not too long ago!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You're guaranteed just the ONE orgasm a day if you go through all that???

    Accidents will happen, and imagine turning up in the casualty waiting room and trying to explain it all to the receptionist ... NO.

    ReplyDelete
  8. okay...so next house log beam cabin in order to hang contaption by....under the Christmas tree will be okay now cuz we put them upside down don't you know. Chris ever get an ember...ouch
    Here's the real tough thing...convincing partner its worth a shot and never mind putting it up without instructions......
    Oh what a tangled web we weave......

    ReplyDelete
  9. reyspoutine10:52 AM

    well, and here i thought you;d given up.
    apparently, you were just doing research.

    ReplyDelete
  10. pamela,
    Ooouch! Maybe that is why atrificial trees are so popular!?
    The other thing that is dustracting about frolicking under the tree is when the christmas lights are hooked up to the Clapper.

    chaucer's bitch,
    You are young and flexible and crazy in love. I loved how the cyber spokeswoman said in her best Upstairs Britsh accent that
    "Orgahzumz are guarantid."

    guatami,
    I thought that we had crossed an invisible line because you wrote that you don't have to worry about contraception!
    Don't give up on l.o.v.e....what do you mean you're on a break..it's like oxygen you can't live without it...although you could probably keep the homefires burning without that 'contraption.'

    betty,
    No kidding, especially at this time of year when the entire staff in the emregency ward are self medicating...they would have pictures of your mishap all over the staffroom and a full power point presentation at the hospital christmas party.

    hodeDOH!
    Good one..
    tangled web we weave..excellent.
    You're right a nice open log cabin would be perfect..as long as it isn't out in the middle of nowhere during a blizzard.

    reyspoutine,
    Oh ye of little faith.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh for heaven's sakes. Am I that boring and unimaginative? How about a regular king or queen size bed with a good firm mattress covered with at least 450 ply sheets? Reserve all the feelings of anxiety and expectation to other priorities rather than getting caught, falling down, slipping, tripping and getting dismembered.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ces,
    Apparently being an old fashioned mattress kitten is "so yeserday!"
    I refuse to be intimidated into 'learning the ropes' just because some knucklehead dreamed up this instrument of suspended animating...
    besides this sort of things will ruin it for all of the real swingers.

    ReplyDelete
  13. maybe that thing is designed for fellas still operating on 100% of their testosterone?

    ReplyDelete
  14. joyce,
    Perhaps but I am convinced that it is designed for men who are operating on 100% ethanol!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Looks like a festive, fun-filled
    way to loose those pesky opposable thumbs. Time to break out the XMas
    Amelia Ehrhardt/Charles Linbergh
    sports attire, and call in the stunt doubles while you both sip
    your Merlot on the settee - old school!

    ReplyDelete
  16. G'day HE!

    **What I mean is where exactly in the house do you prefer to unwrap your favorite present?

    Prolly on the couch :)



    Love? whats that?


    hmmm abt this weird pressie...well I'd rather get hospitalised for no reason LOL!


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  17. that contraption might just be the most disturbing thing that I've ever seen -why? why?

    ReplyDelete
  18. grumblebum,
    Pesky opposable thumbs is my favorite phrase of the week!!
    Ha I never thought of that but you are absolutely right..
    here goes my best airplane sound..
    nneeeeerrruummmm!

    keshiroo,
    Love is a warm puppy!
    I hope that today is a brand new start for you kesh, you know that living well is the best revenge...
    and,
    what's all this then about the couch?!.and do you actually say 'prolly'..no really do you?

    lee,
    There are people in the world who ask why,
    and then there are those who start imagining things (and drinking) very early in the day and say,
    Oh what the hell why not!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love swing!? I saw one of those at a 'shop' once and let's just say, I was never a cheerleader or gymnast...my mobility is limited and that thing just...scares me.

    But it feels just dirty to 'get it on' while listening to jungle bells or any other variety of Christmas music.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous7:01 PM

    The old chestnut "standing...in a hammock" comes to mind.
    No price mentioned, but I suspect it's not a cheap toy and with a guarantee of only ONE Big O it doesn't seem worth the risk.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This post and the comments that followed have me laughing hysterically. One of your most entertaining posts to date.

    And I don't think you really want to know where and how I prefer to unwrap my favourite present.

    The loveswing doesn't really appeal to me, but the Tantra Chair - now that's a whole other story. I would love to have this thing - possibly more for the way it looks than what you can do on it. (www.tantrachair.com)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous8:52 PM

    The furniture I prefer, strangly enough, is much safer, but that's another blog altogether.......hehe.....in case you ever checked it out, you'd know what I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  23. The problem with this swing is the same one that occurred to me looking through the Kama Sutra... no leverage! You really need something stable somewhere, like a floor or wall or furniture... or I could go on and on, but this is making me look bad enough already.

    ReplyDelete
  24. awaiting,
    I find it hard to believe that you would be scared of a wittle swing!
    Flexible schmexible!
    ..and how do you think Mrs. Claus gets her groove on?Don't you think that jolly St Nick likes his Christmas Carols when he is gettin' busy?

    dinahmow,
    Now if I remember correctly the rate of return is equal to the risk..although once you started spinning out of control on this thing the risk of incurring losses to your dignity and desire to continue would certainly be guaranteed.
    That coupled with a maximum rate of return to the floor below would abruptly cancel any chance of getting locked in or risking a second venture.

    anna,
    Ha if we were all 19 year olds on some gawdforsaken Myspace blog all of these answers would be way different! I knew that it would be fun because of the demographics.
    I'll check out the tantrachair but so help me if there is a picture of Sting and Trudy I am outta there!

    THE michael,
    I have checked it out and I was obviously at a loss for words.
    You are obviously far more creative and adventurous than I am in that area and all the power to ya.

    miss celania,
    No please, do go on...
    finally the voice of reason crying in the wilderness...Occam's Razor..the simplest answer is usually correct...gravity and inertia. Your Newtonian observation was a breakthrough of sorts, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Couch as in opening pressies on the couch :)

    **and do you actually say 'prolly'..no really do you?

    prolly I duuuu ;-)


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  26. he, i have a few things to say:

    first, i have one of those contraptions hanging in the middle of my livingroom and it works as promised. once i did not leave the room for 64 straight hours. varying degrees of "sounds" could be heard miles away.

    second, you know i agree with you about the dixie chicks. i am using my catholic background to pray for ces' conversion.

    third, i like your blog and i'm glad you stopped by mine. i have been lonely because ww has not been reliable

    fourth, ok, i admit it. i made up # 1. it was only 27 minutes, the sounds were muted, and the earth never moved....

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. the love swing the perfect christmas gift for a ho or three (ho ho ho ahh forget it bad pun)

    It would be an interesting situation to try and explain to emergency services when they came to cut you down though

    ReplyDelete
  28. Are the instructions in Swedish?

    Does it come with an Allen key?

    ReplyDelete
  29. keshtar,
    Oh sorrry I thought that you mean't that you preferred the couch to....you know.
    Prolly woddle doodle!

    kj,
    Thank goodness that someone has the cajones to fess up about owning one. Now believe me, I am 'hearing' what you are 'saying' about both the Dixies and WW.
    I wish that your story was true because to be honest 27 minutes ain't that hard to do if you count all of the begging, cajoling and pleading that Cosmo has finally officially recognized as genuine foreplay for North American Males.

    aidan,
    Better still would be if you were both dressed as Caesar and Cleopatra or Mickey and Minnie!

    mj,
    If anyone requires instructions for the Luv Swang DO NOT PURCHASE this item. Don't Swedes just do it on Airplanes because they are all stewardesses..man is that dating me. Does anyone remember the 60s and 70s when Swedish Stewardesses were the ubiquitous hottest most adventurous females on the planet thanks to all of those naughty nudie films!?
    (My Mom's Dad was Swedish I should get online and find my long lost relatives and find out)

    btw I shudder to think of what your intentions are for that Allen Key!

    ReplyDelete
  30. DIOS MIO! How ever did you manage to have children? Sounds to me, amigo mio, that less thought needs to put into things in order for more nudity to happen, hmmm? ;-P

    Bohemians, unfortunately or fortunately, do not think things through and, definitely luckily for the Loverboy, are free spirited and lovers of a, beezy-as-in-clothes-free, state of affairs...

    ... and oooh! I am a yogi so that looks like and interesting toy... albeit not that innocent I must admit! Hmmm!

    Oh! And you'd best not leave bohemians hanging (ha, ha, haaa!) for in the latest video yours truly sings and 'tis for you! Oy!

    ReplyDelete
  31. **Prolly woddle doodle!

    ROFL! I mean ROCL :)
    ROCL = Rolling On the Couch Laughing.

    btw Im a sucker for on-da-couch-kissing haha!

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  32. mizzy bo,
    Really!!! you did Amereeka!
    Ok I know that you are yogic and I have seen your contortionism...I find it hard to believe actually..I couldn't get my body do that even if I used photoshop!

    Believe it or not all that we men ever think about is sex, except when we are actually having sex, no that's not entirely true either,
    and I am actually quite reknown (locally anyway) for doffing my duds at the drop of a hat regardless of how many people are protesting!

    keshi,
    Thank you for 'splaining dat. I actually did get the C part..
    I am 49 not 94!
    See I knew that you were a couch kitten!!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. orgasm day! yeeehaaaaaw!

    im really sick...fever n all I can even imagine sex now. uhuhuhuhu

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous4:09 AM

    SWIVEL & BEARING: Necessary for spinning position.
    I'll have a couple, please!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anonymous4:28 AM

    SWIVEL & BEARING: Necessary for spinning position.
    I'll have a couple, please!

    ReplyDelete
  36. ghosty,
    Yikes you even sound sick! Get those liquids and anitbotics into you...someday I should post on why men all crave sex when they are sick and how this horrifies the ladies...hmmm.

    cream de la creme,
    You can say that again..oh you did. Blogger has been doubling up a few comments.
    Swivel and Bearing sounds like an accounting firm.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Oooh! That is good to know! May your wife be kept happy at all times! ;-)

    But I must tell you that it's not only a male thing! Certain bohemians are known to have sex on their minds at all times... can be tiring I tell you! Perhaps the difference lies in that with women, well, with most women, it is selective whereas men, if they can get it, off come the clothes! Dios mio!

    As for the singing, let's just say that it's a my version of it! ;-P

    ReplyDelete
  38. les miz,
    Sad but true..but what are ya gonna do!
    Now, I am off to hear you sing..I am sooo there! Arrreeeeeba!

    ReplyDelete
  39. **I actually did get the C part..
    I am 49 not 94!

    HAHAHAHA! But u neva know mate :):)


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  40. keshtar,
    You can challenge me a little more often with your hip cyber-speak..
    I enjoy feeling like a polyglot..or as you would say
    a polly woddle doodle glot.

    ReplyDelete
  41. that "contraption" you found looks like it could be fun to watch tv from... since thats about all i'd do with it in my house!
    as for where to open my presents... i'll probably be sitting half asleep and alone on my parents daybed while my daddy darling plays "santa" (being the eldest male in the house).
    WHERE HAS ALL THE ROMANCE GONE!?!?!?! oh, hang on- i spose being single can explain that eh?

    ReplyDelete
  42. angel,
    I would be afraid to watch an entire movie while strapped in to that thing..I would either seize up or suffocate under my weight like a beached whale. Hopefully they will have invented an extraction device and you won't need to carry a Diving knife strapped to your leg.

    ReplyDelete
  43. **a polly woddle doodle glot.

    LOL is that someone who speaks many languages including puppy language?

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I laughed so much reading your post and everyone's comments. I would probably try the stupid swing and get hurt in the process. What can I say, I'm frisky!

    Sorry I haven't been around much. It's like every time I sit down I'm called to do something. It's very annoying. :)

    Muah!

    ReplyDelete
  45. It's one of those novelty toys that looks good in theory.. but probably not as much fun as naked Monopoly.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'm totally up for this. You can so tell it was invented by a guy though - a single orgasm a day indeed.

    This reminds me of an episode of Waking the Dead where they find a pair of skeletons propped up against a wall, the miscreants having been shot dead in the act. I can think of worse endings...

    ReplyDelete
  47. Those swings are actually great fun. I'm thinking you'd do well. Why not give it a try so you can report back with experience under your belt?

    This line cracked me up: "...enjoy a little monkey business with your prime mate..." Damn, man...do you get paid for this stuff... you should!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Well, at least you ain't lying on the sofa with a bag of frozen sprouts on yer balls anymore!

    ReplyDelete
  49. looks good to me!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I think I'll keep my laundry on my stairmaster thankyouverymuch

    I like Scarlets naked monopoly idea

    ReplyDelete
  51. I want to try that Tantra Chair that Anna mentioned way back then.... have looked at that thing online.... would be a hell of a lot better than the swing thing.

    I'd get horribly injured with a swing, me thinks... and just one orgasm just ain't gonna cut it, thanks. Must have been invented by a guy, for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  52. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  53. So did you ever take a look at that Tantra Chair? That thing is still on my wish list.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I'm happy enough with a wheelie bin around the back if you know what I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Any injuries resulting from the love swing can lead to opportunities for fun in the hospital wing!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I KNEW you were leading up to this only because oh so sweet and oh so In-oh-scent moi, heard of this via an online wordgame several yrs ago...You know that kind of chat where people share (she did, not me), while blitzed? How I love your ending!
    Terrific post and now I have the visuals to show my "Tarzan." He'll probably remind me of my recent dancefloor collision from doing a vigorous Polka twirl. (It really was the other couple's fault. I had my turn signal on and .... )

    ReplyDelete
  57. oh, & if my Tarzan wanted to Swing, probably his "nuts" would end up on my "chest" but uh, now that I think of it, that's not undesirable...nor his missle near my toes.... SHeesh, HE, I'm going to have to reinstate my "adult" poems if I keep thinking on this. :)

    ReplyDelete
  58. ROFLMFAO!! Oh yes - a phone and a last will and testament would definitely be in order! I like my existing hangups very much, thank you! No need to add to them...

    ReplyDelete
  59. we see a young couple taking that very appatatus for a test drive in 'Shocking Asia 2' in the 'love hotel' segment. its like watching window washers go up the side of a building, actually, only naked and japanese. and having sex.

    oh, and 'front room'

    *runs off with paper bag over head*

    ReplyDelete
  60. I don't get any monkey business around this place anyway and I have a treadmill already..

    No need for a swing for me.

    ReplyDelete

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