Tuesday, September 26, 2006

one Swingin' Ape
Don't go this is about SEX!

As per my plan to be infrickinformative once and a while I will refresh and recycle past postings that are near and dear to my mandate.
This Tuesday redux investigates my fascination with Apes, not the human kind the ape kind, especially Chimpanzees, (our closest living relatives with 98% of our DNA) which will lead us to today's what if question.

But first a quick review:
there are two species of Chimps,
the familiar Pan Troglodytes and the out of this world
Bonobo, Pan Paniscus.
Both will probably be gone from the wild in our lifetime.

The Chimpanzee of Astronaut, Film and Circus fame is, unfortunately, very similar to us. They are a male dominated, warring omnivore with tool making abilities that live stressful lives avoiding violent unprovoked attacks from others.

The Bonobos on the other hand are a female oriented culture that uses sex instead of physical violence as a vehicle for conflict resolution. Although the sex is apparently more occasional than the mad free for all depicted in documentaries, it is still a wild orgy compared to the sedate bi-weekly poke in the whiskers that most of us humans enjoy. Except of course for the Satyrs and Nymphos and all the power to ya.

Bonobos, or Bonerbos as I call them, use sex as a form of greeting, for pure recreation, and for conflict management.
Sex regularly occurs on an as required basis between members of the opposite sex within the group but also includes female to female genital rubbing and males who enjoy penis fencing.

Scientists have documented that Bonobos actually experience orgasms!
Guess we humans aren't so special;

I'll have what she's ooh-ooh-ooh-aah-aah-having!
These orgasms occur at an alarmingly efficient rate since sexual encounters average 13 seconds. Thirteen seconds, as many women can testify, is unfortunately not outside the realm of many human males.

However girls rule and boys drool, because if a male Bonobo is pressuring an unwilling female to have sex
NO means NO even in Bo-No-bo!

the other females gang up on him and chase him off.
Status is achieved through maternal lines and all in all
it's basically the opposite of the society that the other apes (including us) have developed.

My question is,
what if homo escapeons had used sex as a method of conflict resolution instead of whacking the other guy over the head with a big f*cking rock?

What kind of world would we live in today?
And would we ever get anything done?


  1. **what if homo escapeons had used sex as a method of conflict resolution instead of whacking the other guy over the head with a stick or a big f***ing rock?

    lol then it wud be a world full of Bin Laden lovers ha!


  2. What the hey, it might be worth a shot- sounds a hell of a lot better
    organized than "not tonight, honey"
    or pitching a tent for a few hours,
    until the moment's right. The
    relentless quest for productivity
    just gives me a pain in the patoot
    anyway, so why not try to bring
    some semblance of order to things?
    I think that transience is pitching a remedy along these
    lines. Might be an opportunity for
    consensus building there;)

  3. oh cheese...i cant imagine...but i bet everyone would be happy, psychadellic...60's!!!

  4. keshi,
    Feeling better?
    Everybody would be too busy gettin' busy to to even think about fighting. I vote yes.

    Ouch..tent pitching or camping out as I say, until you find the perfect site is quite tedious and let's face it, the morning wood is the hardest to chop!

    Why can't the ladies understand that we bonerbos are an object for their pity and not their scorn. Is it fair to say that the female bonobos have capitalized on the situation and won.

    ghost particle,
    Very groovy indeed!

    IMAGINE there's no fighting,
    it's easy if you try,
    no hell below us,
    above us only thigh...

    sorry JL wherever you are

  5. erm.. "homo escapeons using sex.... instead of whacking the other guy.."
    does that make homo escapeons a "homo?"

  6. misti,
    I imagine that any serious penis fencing would have been averted by the females in charge by offering to calm everybody (and everything) down.
    Actually the males would have probaly been too tired to fight judging by the speed at which men can 'roll over and fall asleep'.Just a hunch.

    PS. Not that there is anything wrong with fencing if that's what floats your boat.

  7. Aren't they fascinating? Physical and Cultural Anthropology were huge passions of mine back in my college days and I even had a great friendship with my professor...

    We studied apes, new world and old world monkeys extensively...

    Great post... and a naughty take on it all to say the least! ;-)

  8. I hope Penis Fencing makes it to the Olympics by London 2012

  9. miz bohemia,
    AnthroPOMORPHIC studies! We love to measure everything against the almighty homo escapeon don't we. Well finally something has delivered the ultimate one-upmanship on our doorstep.
    They are cheeky little buggers...ooh ooh ooooh aah aah!

    Oh cherry,
    Only you. Gawd I laughed. I will do whatever I can to make your dream come true in 2012.
    I'll call Dick Pound right now.

  10. That's it! I've got it!

    I think that the Bonobo Monkey should be used as the symbol for Memorial Day!

    Make love not war!

    Cherrybabe, you are a scream!

  11. Im much betta today mate thanks!


  12. cream,
    Make Love Not War should be the motto of every weekend. You're right about cherry.

    Bonza, you're feelin sweet as a nut agin. Hope you enjoyed your sickie. I told youse no worries she'll be right. Keshi ain't no jellyknees. I knew you'd be flat chat full bore back on the knocker.
    You're the Dinki-di mate.

  13. Your blog is the bomb! I am loving it. So much to explore.

    I don't think it's possible to have sex all the time, but this concept is worth looking into --- might work, but not when women are suffering with PMS .. now it wouldn't be good to appoach a woman about sex then --- talking about starting world war 3.

  14. liquidplastic,
    Merci Madame. When I was young and foolish I used to jest that PMS was the worst three weeks out of every month. Of course now I know better than to say anything as stupid as that...oh oh.

  15. fairrr dinkummm, lol thanks maiiiite ;-)


  16. Lost this reply in outer space somewhere yesterday, so trying again, Homo Erectus...

    This is a fine theory and question you pose, but fraught with some inherent problems. Let's check the math:

    Example 1
    13 seconds, maybe 10-15 times a day, supposedly less conflict the outcome and, well, more sex. Actual time having sex: 130-165 seconds per day. Actual conflict avoided: impossible to calculate. Quality of sex: Questionable.

    Example 2
    13 minutes, 1.3 hours, or longer at sex, optimistically once a day, supposedly less conflict. Actual conflict avoided: impossible to calculate. Quality of sex: certainly more than the Bonerbo monkey.

    An aside: the males are the ones bonking (pun intended) each other over the head, not the females. Aside from the brilliant penis fencing demonstration sport at the 2012 London Olympics proposed by Cherrypie, I wonder if 13-second sexual encounters would really diminish the male vs. male conflicts or in fact increase them.

    A fun post.

  17. sure things would get done, but we would be much more pleasant about them, if everyone was serviced on a regular basis we would see nothing but smiles and laughter! and the whole 13 second orgasm thing is amazing, i wish all women could experience that, then they would know how us guys feel!

  18. within,
    Way to ruin it Poindexter! And Bonobos are apes!Apes don't have tails! Monkeys have tails..bonobos just seem to get a lot of tail!

    white devil,
    Finally the voice of reason crying in the wilderness.
    LOL excellent analysis on the 13 seconds! You win again.

  19. LOL Cherry! I would watch, sounds interesting! ;)

    Great post, as always, Mr. Escapeon. I'll have to bring it up to David. I'll prob get the same answer I usually do "For the love of GOD, I'm not a machine!"

    If only I had married a Bonerbos!

  20. christine,
    Doesn't mean that you can't 'monkey' around and 'ape' some of their strategies every once and a while!

  21. within,
    homo poindextrous!

    C'mon its about SEX!

  22. Good post HE!
    Just love your posts on sex!

    Let's see if I can do a poem on sex
    straight off the cuff, but here goes!

    Sex...in the middle of the night
    sex... when you are uptight
    sex... just for fun
    Sex...on the run
    sex...in our cars
    sex..under the stars
    Sex...in the spring
    Sex...what a beautiful thing
    Sex...when you're so engrossed
    sex...when you need it the most
    Sex... in any place
    sex... will put a smile on your face!
    Sex... when you stand
    Sex...it makes you feel grand
    Sex... on the stormy oceans
    Sex... strange n deep emotions
    sex...under the setting sun
    Sex...perfectly done
    sex..on a sunday afternoon
    Sex...Oh... your heart shall swoon!
    Sex... on the stairs
    sex... everywhere
    Sex... when you are kind
    sex... can blow your mind!
    sex... after tea
    sex... in a tree
    sex... after you eat
    sex... wild and sweet
    Sex...always magic
    sex...never tragic
    Sex... can make you forget
    sex...please... no regret
    Sex.. to dream about
    sex.. to make you shout
    Sex..from East to West
    Sex... is the best!

    That's all I have to say
    on this very sexy day!


  23. Margie the Magnificent!

    Crikey.. that should be a post!
    You are amazing.

    I enjoyed contemplating all of the various locations and circumstances that you so lyrically and thoughtfully provided.

    There are a few here that I haven't tried yet...

  24. you are one sick puppy! but that's what we love about you!

  25. Ooooh! Did someone say sex? Bohemians loooove sex! Bohemians would not make it into any "Just say No" campaigns! Ooooweee! Does that make us bonobo-ish?

  26. HEY HE!
    Glad you liked it!
    You really think I should make it
    a post!
    If I do it will raise a few eyebrows... don't you think?
    I'll see!
    Bye for now HE!

    P.S I meant to tell you...
    your family is beautiful!
    How old are your kids?
    Your wife is gorgeous!

  27. angela,
    Why thank you...actually that is the nicest thing that anyone has said to me...but the day is still young!

    miz bohemia,
    You truly are an inspiration. Boheme-me-up Scotty!

    rocky mountain high-priestess,
    Yes..raise some eyebrows..stir it up a little...shake the tree..go for it!
    I am very fortunate to have four fabulous children,
    my beautiful daughters are 21 & 18,
    the dashing sons are 16 & 5
    and my gorgeous goodladywife is as patient and kind as she is lovely...I love them all (so much it hurts) and they in return laugh at my jokes and pretend to be interested in my blog.

  28. Hmm...how would anyone get things done if they were endlessly having lots of sex?

    I manage.


  29. Anonymous1:49 p.m.

    Adam is a Peado!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  30. tidal grrrl,
    Wow..then you will have to write the manual on effective time management and acceptable standards for spontaneous public displays of affection.

  31. Hmmm...The manual on effective time management and acceptable standards for spontaneous public displays of affection, affectionately (ha) known as the METMATS of PDA's has already been written and distributed by TidalGrrrl, Inc., LLC. for sale at such retail outlets as Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
    It covers subjects such as:
    1. How to Deal with a Newly-Single Friend When you Just Have to Make-Out at the Bar, and
    2. Types of Satchels to Stock Various Sorts of Dis-Apparel in the Public Eye.

  32. tidal grrrl,
    LOL you are way ahead of the curve on this one. I am very interested in your resolution of what could well be a 'problem' for a lot of people.
    I knew that I could count on you...

  33. That is fascinating! Thank you for educating me. (And now I have "Don't Stand So Close To Me" by The Police playing in my mind.)

  34. HE
    If I a do make my rhyming verse a post... will you promise to comment on it... pleaseeeeee!!!
    I have been adding (and changing)to it all day!
    I think I am cursed
    with the rhyming sex verse!

    P.S my hubby does not even pretend interest in my blog... boo hoo!

  35. here I am again :)

    **My question is,
    what if homo escapeons had used sex as a method of conflict resolution instead of whacking the other guy over the head with a big f*cking rock?

    I was thinking that then I'd be making love to my guy friends? EWWWWWWW lol!


  36. anna,
    Is the Police song from yesterdays post or am I missing something....

    Her friends are so jealous
    You know how bad girls get
    Sometimes its not so easy
    To be the teachers pet
    Temptation, frustration
    So bad it makes him cry
    Wet bus stop, shes waiting
    His car is warm and dry

    Dont stand,
    dont stand so
    Dont stand so close to me

    Of course I will.
    My goodladywife reads every word and every comment so I guess I'm lucky....keeps me honest!

    Well Bonobos aren't exactly lighting candles and listening to soft music...13 seconds is apparently long enough for a quick hello/goodbye/hubba hubba/take it easy mate or whatever it is that they are trying to convey...
    13 seconds..hahahahahahahaha

  37. only 13 secs ?? I see everyone ( read women ) scrambling to solve this issue...and well.. peace would be short lived then, won't it?

  38. perspective,
    I HEAR you...but hey, it's a start.

  39. 13 seconds, Just a mental image of a monkey... " I swear that has neer happened before"

    Conflict resolution and sex could be amusing, Bin laden coming into the oval ofice..
    "i have come to clean ze pool"
    Queue music

  40. aidan,
    Here is some 70s porno guitar to go with that
    Wunka wunka waa wunka wunka waa..

  41. cherrypie,

    " I hope Penis Fencing makes it to the Olympics by London 2012 "

    I guarantee it will boost ticket sales and worldwide viewship. Hell, I'd attend my first ever Olympics if they did that!

    I think getting laid every day would mean world peace.

    Certainly less road rage.

  42. laura elizabeth,
    Finally a voice of reason crying in the wilderness.
    You bet people would pay to see penis fencing.

    Come to think of it 13 seconds is pretty good...
    the Men's 100 is over in 9 seconds now!

  43. **Well Bonobos aren't exactly lighting candles and listening to soft music


    13secs for all of that? Thats too fast man lol!


  44. Fans of all the 3D shooter games would have to go outside into the sunlight. At which point they would probably all turn to dust. :P

  45. So I was going to comment again on this recycled post, but see my old comment's already here.

    I still like the BONERbo philosophy, though...

  46. kesheeeeee,
    It is pretty much

    naked nerd,
    LOL yes like Vampires!

    within, withall,
    Yes you did you old gasbag and I see that you have also removed it... why?....because it didn't make any sense?

  47. Huh? I'm still seeing my old comment there. What are you talking about, removed it?

  48. within,
    The where's Canada thingamabob is gone..it was the very first comment that you ever made on my blog...it was the first one on here..anyway it doesn't show up on my list anymore....hmmmm...

  49. Anonymous12:55 p.m.

    13 Seconds!!! What's the secret???
    Every time I speak prematurely I spill the beans?

  50. cream,
    It is the priviledge of our gender.
    Slow and steady wins the race.

  51. haha!

    I guess theres no foreplay then. how under-privileged.


  52. Donn--
    Holy living cow!! 53 comments?! I haven't been over here for a while, and quite frankly, now its just plain intimidating.

    Having said that, I appreciated your comments during the whole brother-dying-of-cancer-thing. They were very kind, and not at all cliche. Thanks.

    Do you think the whole sex approach would work real well in the staff room?!

  53. keshiwobbegong,
    We are designed for less chitter chatter and more pitter patter
    lets get at 'er.

    Well I can't imagine the range of emotions that you have experienced lately. Something like that is a formidable obstacle for most of us to tackle let alone share your heart throughout like you did.

    It certainly redefines your priorities and forces you to look in the mirror and determine how you are going to get through this...and how are my kids going to react...it is a valuable opportunity to show them that Life may be complex and even inexplicable at times...but it does go on.

    I am glad that you had such a great support group out here...it proves that there is a lot more to this venue than meets the eye.
    I hope that everything settles back down to the regular MAYHEM level that you have grown accustomed to. You're awesome.

  54. Anonymous9:10 p.m.

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