Sunday, September 24, 2006

I PROMISE TO BE GOOD FROM NOW ON!

I personally don't believe in a literal HELL.
That being said if I am wrong I know exactly how I will be tormented for the rest of ETERNITY.

In order to receive my just reward of torment and anguish for whatever it was that I did wrong I wouldn't have to be roasted and jabbed with a pitchfork..Oh no.

You see there exists a punishment far more sinister and diabolical. A soul shredding condemnation so evil that I can barely summon the strength to contemplate its application...
I would be forced to listen to one song forever and ever...

Neil Sedaka singing BAD BLOOD
over and over and over again ...
just like 1975.

Do you remember ..

"It coulda been me but it was you
Who went and bit off a little bit more than he could chew
You said that you had it made, but you been had
The woman no good, no how, thinkin' maybe the blood is bad

Bad (ba-a-ad)
Blood (blo-o-od)
The woman was born to lie
Makes promises she can't keep
With the wink on an eye

Bad (ba-a-ad)
Blood (blo-o-od)
Brother, you've been deceived
It's bound to change you mind
About all you believe
Is takin' you for a ride"

(*wailing and gnashing of teeth can be heard)

The cruelest and most irritating part of the song is of course Elton John echoing the chorus in the background wailing...

Bad (ba-a-ad) Blood (blo-o-od)!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

I can only hope that HELL will freeze over before I get there.




WHICH SONG WOULD THE DEVIL PLAY TO TORMENT YOU?

62 comments:

  1. Heck, where do I even start? Achy Breaky Heart is up there. Ice Ice Baby. Show No Mercy. Barbie Girl. The list goes on. And on. And on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Torment my butt with songs of heavy metal.

    Have me having seizures and convulsions listening to that!

    Dante please come take me to the outer limits of hell.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am laffing too hard to comment.

    And now it will play on a loop in my head all week.

    Thanks a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. HE, I think my Top 40 circle of hell resides close to yours: Paul Anka's 'Having My Baby.'

    How appropriate. Two 50's pseudo icons inflicting such agony. Makes me glad to hear the tale of how Jerry Lee Lewis once terrorized Paul Anka backstage in the 50's.

    ReplyDelete
  5. stace,
    HA! You are doomed!Those will all be on heavy rotation.
    btw;I like Barbie Girl.

    awaiting,
    C'mon 'fess up....
    Isn't there any thrash tune in 5/4 time with growling undecipherable lyrics that you like?

    mj,
    Neener!

    frontier editor,
    OMG Yes! What a lovely way of saying how much you hate that song!

    Jerry Lewis..a bully?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous8:48 a.m.

    homo escapeons

    You are an evil, evil man.

    Sedaka.

    I'm sending you all of my therapists bills for this. And just wait until you get the bills from the pharamists!

    shudders

    And FE, did you have to drudge up Anka and "Having my baby"? I swear it's the fear of some edjit man singing that song to me that's kept me childless!

    crawls into the corner and assumes the fetal position... whimpering... must bleach brain

    ReplyDelete
  7. Laura E: Just think how creeped out I felt for several weeks in junior high that someone like Paul Anka could even think of breeding.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Who can argue with FE's Anka choice?

    That said, I have a song in my head that is on a constant loop and I swear someday I'm gonna go completely bonkers as a result.

    I'll be out going about my business, and suddenly, out of the nowhere, this tune will come on over my personal interior broadcast system.

    Tell me if you recognize it from the first few lines. And let me just say this much... I am not a Fanilow.

    Are you ready? And a one and a two...

    Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
    With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
    She would merengue and do the cha-cha
    And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
    Across a crowded floor, they worked from eight til four
    They were young and they had each other
    Who could ask for more?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!

    Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!

    Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!

    Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. HI laura elizabeth,
    HA!Do your worst...
    Try and get that out of your head...and ANKA!

    fronty,
    OMG! That was uncalled for!

    mj,
    No! Not Barry Mani-NO! Oh gawd how am I going to scrub all of these crappy songs out of me 'ead!

    fronty,
    Stoooooooooopppp!
    If you have an ounce of compassion left..think of the children...

    OH THE HUMANITY!

    ReplyDelete
  11. HE: Why are you torturing us?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nuah-ah-ah-ah mj
    ..I may know a little more about HELL than one might suspect...

    Please allow me to introduce myself,
    hope you guess my name.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You killed the Czar and his ministers!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I rode a tank
    Held a generals rank
    When the blitzkrieg raged
    And the bodies stank
    And . . . . you're having my baybeeeeee . . . .

    Match THAT for a segue >B^D>

    ReplyDelete
  15. mj and fronty,
    Isn't this fun?

    ReplyDelete
  16. More fun than I've been allowed to have in ages >B^D>

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, wait.

    How do you pronounce ankh? (as I sit here at work giggling my expansive posterior off)


    eaithh: Gaelic for something or other

    ReplyDelete
  18. Shame on you. That's a song I haven't heard or even remembered existed for, like, 25 years! Thanks a lot. You may not believe in hell but instant karma's gonna get you for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  19. le editor du frontiere,
    C'mon, pleading 'Ankh-le' is not in the American lexicon. Canadians just say "OW I give, I give!"

    andrea,
    Neener!
    fyi I had to play Pale Shelter to rinse that other song out of me 'ead!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Times like this are why I keep some Kinks, Police and Squeeze in my mp3 file for just such an emergency

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous1:27 p.m.

    "I felt for several weeks in junior high that someone like Paul Anka could even think of breeding."

    EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! Brain Bleach!

    I'm sorry mj, but I love Manilow.

    I remember all my life
    Raining down as cold as ice.
    Shadows of a man,
    A face through a window cryin' in the night,
    The night goes into
    Morning just another day;
    Happy people pass my way.
    Looking in their eyes,
    I see a memory I never realized how happy you made me.

    Oh Mandy well,
    You came and you gave without taking,
    But I sent you away.
    Oh, Mandy well,
    Kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
    And I need you today.
    Oh, Mandy!

    I'm standing on the edge of time;
    I've walked away when love was mine.
    Caught up in a world of uphill climbing,
    The tears are in my mind and nothin' in rhyming.

    Oh Mandy well,
    You came and you gave without taking,
    But I sent you away.
    Oh, Mandy well,
    Kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
    And I need you today.
    Oh, Mandy!

    Yesterday's a dream
    I face the morning
    Crying on a breeze
    The pain is calling
    Oh Mandy
    Well, you came and you gave without taking
    But I sent you away oh, Mandy
    Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
    And I need you today Oh, Mandy
    You came and you gave without taking
    But I sent you away oh, Mandy
    Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
    And I need you







    (yes, I'm kidding. I'm crazy but I'm not that crazy!)

    ReplyDelete
  22. But it's daybreak, if you wanna believe
    It can be daybreak, ain't no time to grieve
    Said it's daybreak if you'll only believe
    And let it shine, shine, shine
    All around the world
    sing it to the world, sing, sing


    Don't ever try pop culture with a history major in the room - it gets really brutal

    ReplyDelete
  23. LAURA ELIZABETH YOU GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!
    I did this exact same thing to within, without..the whole song...
    BRAVO!

    I hate to admit it but I do actually listen to Mandy every once and a while but the rest are just too sickly...
    anyway thank you I deserve this karmic boomerang... and let us just say that you can expect a lyrical retaliation in your backyard in the very near future...

    frontier editor,
    OK OK Where are my sedatives...
    Head for the hills...the inmates are running the asylum!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous2:49 p.m.

    As andrea point out, HE, it's karma.

    KARMA BABY!

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. laura elizabeth,
    I am impressed at your last exhibition of self restraint..a mere link is quite subtle.
    Boy George is an object for our pity not our scorn...did he obey the court order and start pickin' up garbage in New York?

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm going to heaven! :P
    I wonder what songs will play in heaven, probably elevator music. If God turns on Celine Dion, I'll meet you guys in hell.

    My hell song would have to be something by Rush or Yoko. *shudder* Or maybe that fish heads song.

    Fish Heads, fish heads
    rolly polly fish heads
    fish heads, fish heads
    eat them up
    yum!

    ReplyDelete
  27. christine,
    The music up there is gonna be a d-r-a-g man!
    All that Bach, Beethoven, Brahms, Schubert, Wagner and Strauss...puh-leeze!
    Oh except for THE SINGING NUN aka Jeanine Deckers
    born Jeanne-Paule Marie Deckers
    aka Sister Luc Gabriel of the Dominican Fichermont Convent in Belgium.
    Remember 1963...
    Dominique -nique -nique s'en allait tout simplement,

    Routier, pauvre et chantant.

    En tous chemins, en tous lieux,

    Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu,

    Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu

    Ha that'll get old pretty fast!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda

    Doheny....
    Cahuenga....
    La Brea....
    Tar Pits!

    La Jolla....
    Sequoia....
    La Brea....
    Tar Pits!

    You can keep Alvarado,
    Santa Monica,
    even Beverly Drive.

    Vine may be fine,
    but for mine I want to feel
    alive and settle down in my

    La Brea....
    Tar Pits....

    Where nobody's dreams come true.

    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda
    Pico and Sepulllllveda

    Doheny....
    Cahuenga....
    La Brea....
    Tar Pits!

    La Jolla....
    Sequoia....
    La Brea....
    Tar Pits!

    You can keep Alvarado,
    Santa Monica,
    even Beverly Drive.

    Vine may be fine,
    but for mine I want to feel
    alive and settle down in my

    La Brea....
    Tar Pits....

    Where nobody's dreams
    come
    truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue

    You don't even want to know how drunk I gotta be to sing this one.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous3:52 p.m.

    He did report for trash detail.

    Sometimes there poetry in justice.

    ReplyDelete
  30. and I heard he was a real bitch about it too.

    mucgu - Yugoslavian for that stuff dripping from one's nose

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thankfully, I have never heard that song.

    When I reach hell, it will be playing a mix of rap, country and songs by those crappy indie-rock bands that all the teenage girls listen to now.

    I guess that's why I find listening to the radio hell in itself now.

    ReplyDelete
  32. William shatners (spoken word version of) common people....PAinful.

    Even satan wouldnt be that cruel.
    Thanks for the trip down musical memory lane.

    ReplyDelete
  33. that agadoo song you know...

    agadoo do do
    push pineapple(are these even the words?) shake the tree etc etc -worst "song" ever written

    -i wanna dance with somebody -whitney houston -eeewwwwwwwwwww, makes me wanna gag

    -macarena
    -who let the dogs out

    ReplyDelete
  34. OK, HE, fess up...

    You've got each and every one of these songs among your 4,538 MusicMatch Jukebox personal collection.

    That's how you know them all so well. You've got a few humdingers hiding out in your closet...

    Remember Endicott...now there's a brilliant song.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Any english Celine Dion song.

    By the way, I don't know that Bad Blood song. Perhaps it was before my time.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Anything rap or country and you would convert me to Islam, second-day adeventisism, or anything, just to make it stop.

    You are all sick and depraved individuals and Bob is contemplating creating hell just to send you all there. Can you spell D I S C O?

    ReplyDelete
  37. phosphorousblogger,
    When you get there it will be EMO bands 24/7! Rap and country will be elevator music in ten years so don't worry about them.

    aidan,
    Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread..and here in Canada the name SHATNER is only whispered in reverence...
    Shatner

    is

    a-god!

    within,
    NO
    Why can't you be more like
    en-di-cott! My humble collection is a tenth of what a true audiophile would have..besides I still listen and burn the same 22 songs...every time?!
    Hey did you see that laura laid down Mandy! Instant Karma got me,

    anna,
    You do not prefer her pronunciation of the words
    love..'lurve'
    and baby..'baybay'

    the michael,
    I must confess that I did like Grandmaster Flash and the Sugarhill gang back in the day but now that genre has pretty much sold out...I predict a day somewhere down the line when the Lawrence Welk Retro Band will be performing 'I like the way you do that right THUR right THUR!'
    This culture cannot throw away anything.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana might send me over the edge.

    And thanks...now I've got a loop running in my head...

    ..having my baby....what a wonderful way of saying how much you love meeeeee....

    ReplyDelete
  39. Pam, that'll teach you not to bring enough meatloaf and squash for everyone

    ReplyDelete
  40. hahahaha good one!

    Thank God I havent heard that song :):)


    **WHICH SONG WOULD THE DEVIL PLAY TO TORMENT YOU?

    I Go To Rio by Peter Allen. It goes like this and whenever I hear it I just wanna scream.


    When my baby
    When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio
    De Janeiro, my-oh-me-oh
    I go wild and then I have to do the Samba
    And La Bamba... .... ...



    Just WTH is that?

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  41. grumblite11:04 p.m.

    Looking over these tunes, and the hideous medley they'd compose
    Pull all the damned teeth out sans novocain, while I hold my nose

    ReplyDelete
  42. pamela,
    Neener...poor Barry. He could have just been a one hit wonder with You deserve a break today at McDonalds...

    aaah brings a tear to my eye.

    frontier,
    Do you realise that we have been doing this for about 12 hours now!
    That is scary.

    keshiroo,
    When my Baby,
    When my Baby smiles at m....ssssssssKABOOM!!!

    gruboleum,
    OOch Dr. Mengele so nice of you to join us.

    ReplyDelete
  43. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeee!

    Keshi runs ard the place with fingers in her ears.

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  44. keshi, keshi, keshi,
    It's OK..look.
    I blew up that song.
    It will never bother you again...unless someone else has a copy of it..OH NO! What the? SH*T! sorry..I can't stop it...

    When my baby
    When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio
    De Janeiro,
    my-oh-me-oh
    I go wild and then I have to do the Samba
    And La Bamba... ...
    When my Baby
    When my Baby smiles at me I go to Rio

    ReplyDelete
  45. grumblizer2:24 a.m.

    It's not all bad. I was able to
    see an example of a unit of measure, to which I've refered from
    time to time (without ever really considering its true magnitude).
    Some Bozo was peddling bubble gum
    tunes of the 70's (an anthology),
    7 or 8 CD's worth- now, that's a
    full Schittload of musical trauma!
    The horror... the Horror!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I got a worse hell for you. How about having to share a room with Bill O'Reilly for eternity. I'm going to curch tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  47. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Any song by Red Hot Chilli Peppers!

    And to think I am die hard rock music fan!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Bono will be there crooning to me in an "ironic" way.

    Or they'll play a loop of funeral songs...

    Robbie Williams' Angels.

    Whitney Houstaon's I Will Always Love You.

    Frank Sinatra's My Way.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Houstaon, we have a problem.

    ReplyDelete
  51. grumbilicious,
    OOOoh we had all of those songs drilled into our noggins for decades...only now are we able to begin to understand the dangerous long term effects of such aural candy....brain decay.

    naked nerdster,
    Bill O'Frikkinreilly is an incredible waste of amino acids..just think his DNA could have provided enough material for atleast 20 Cocker Spaniels.

    gautami,
    The Chillis were just here..hmmm..its funny how some bands just rub you the wrong way..personally I like a few of their songs and I am a big fan of bands performing on stage with nothing on but socks on their wangers..giveitaway giveitaway giveitawaynow!

    ReplyDelete
  52. geoff,
    I have always preferred the Sid Vicious version of My Way (Today I killed a cat)and STOP THE PRESSES apparently Whitney finally decided that Bobby Brown was hurting her career..HUH?..maybe she is running out of money?..whatever the reason that was the best reality show of the 90s...beauty and the beast.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Dan Hill ... Sometimes When We Touch.

    ReplyDelete
  54. mj,
    your honesty is too much!

    ReplyDelete
  55. HELL will be...

    Lyin' Eyes by the Eagles...

    *I shudder just to type it*

    There's nothing worse than a twangy-kind of not-quite-country, neverending story and verses that NEVER FREAKING STOPS!!

    /breathe....

    ReplyDelete
  56. tidal grrrl,
    And your smi-i-i-le
    is a thin disquise

    thought by n-ow-ow
    you'd re-a-lise

    oh my word...how many billion times did they play that song....

    ReplyDelete
  57. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAck!

    You're evil, HE.

    May the Sedaka follow you after death!

    /grin

    ReplyDelete
  58. tidalgrrrl,
    I just had a terrible idea...what if Neil tried to make a comeback with a daily newspaper column titled..

    Sudoku by Sedaka



    ouch sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Ok, now that someone mentioned Meatloaf: "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that..." What was THAT all about and why was he singing in the first place? Also annoying is anything disco like "Oh wonchu take me toooo FUNKY TOWNNNN?" And particularly annoying: Ebony and Ivory (Jacko and Paul), anything by Lionel Richie (baaaaabyyyyyyy, I think I'm capsizing, the waves are risin' and risin') or by Rod Stewart after Mandolin Wind (Iiiiif you want my body, and you think I'm sexy...) Y U C K !!!

    ReplyDelete
  60. carm,
    Ebony, Ivory
    Michael don't you steal my songs from me..

    but he did.

    and so Michael bought the Northern Songs catalogue with all of those great Beatles songs and started whoring them out to advertisers like NIKE. Thus began the descent of Michael Jackson's career into freakville and his soul into hell....

    ReplyDelete

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