I personally don't believe in a literal HELL.
That being said if I am wrong I know
exactly how I will be tormented for the rest of ETERNITY. In order to receive my just reward of torment and anguish for whatever it was that I did wrong I wouldn't have to be roasted and jabbed with a pitchfork..Oh no.
You see there exists a punishment far more sinister and diabolical. A soul shredding condemnation so evil that I can barely summon the strength to contemplate its application...
I would be forced to listen to one song forever and ever...
Neil Sedaka singing BAD BLOOD
over and over and over again ...
just like 1975.
Do you remember ..
"It coulda been me but it was you
Who went and bit off a little bit more than he could chew
You said that you had it made, but you been had
The woman no good,
no how, thinkin' maybe the blood is badBad (ba-a-ad)
Blood (blo-o-od)
The woman was born to lie
Makes promises she can't keep
With the wink on an eye
Bad (ba-a-ad)
Blood (blo-o-od)
Brother, you've been deceived
It's bound to change you mind
About all you believe
Is takin' you for a ride"
(*wailing and gnashing of teeth can be heard)
The cruelest and most irritating part of the song is of course Elton John echoing the chorus in the background wailing...
Bad (ba-a-ad) Blood (blo-o-od)!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
I can only hope that HELL will freeze over before I get there.
WHICH SONG WOULD THE DEVIL PLAY TO TORMENT YOU?
Heck, where do I even start? Achy Breaky Heart is up there. Ice Ice Baby. Show No Mercy. Barbie Girl. The list goes on. And on. And on.
ReplyDeleteTorment my butt with songs of heavy metal.
ReplyDeleteHave me having seizures and convulsions listening to that!
Dante please come take me to the outer limits of hell.
I am laffing too hard to comment.
ReplyDeleteAnd now it will play on a loop in my head all week.
Thanks a lot.
HE, I think my Top 40 circle of hell resides close to yours: Paul Anka's 'Having My Baby.'
ReplyDeleteHow appropriate. Two 50's pseudo icons inflicting such agony. Makes me glad to hear the tale of how Jerry Lee Lewis once terrorized Paul Anka backstage in the 50's.
stace,
ReplyDeleteHA! You are doomed!Those will all be on heavy rotation.
btw;I like Barbie Girl.
awaiting,
C'mon 'fess up....
Isn't there any thrash tune in 5/4 time with growling undecipherable lyrics that you like?
mj,
Neener!
frontier editor,
OMG Yes! What a lovely way of saying how much you hate that song!
Jerry Lewis..a bully?
homo escapeons
ReplyDeleteYou are an evil, evil man.
Sedaka.
I'm sending you all of my therapists bills for this. And just wait until you get the bills from the pharamists!
shudders
And FE, did you have to drudge up Anka and "Having my baby"? I swear it's the fear of some edjit man singing that song to me that's kept me childless!
crawls into the corner and assumes the fetal position... whimpering... must bleach brain
Laura E: Just think how creeped out I felt for several weeks in junior high that someone like Paul Anka could even think of breeding.
ReplyDeleteWho can argue with FE's Anka choice?
ReplyDeleteThat said, I have a song in my head that is on a constant loop and I swear someday I'm gonna go completely bonkers as a result.
I'll be out going about my business, and suddenly, out of the nowhere, this tune will come on over my personal interior broadcast system.
Tell me if you recognize it from the first few lines. And let me just say this much... I am not a Fanilow.
Are you ready? And a one and a two...
Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from eight til four
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?
Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!
ReplyDeleteCo--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!
Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!
Co--pa-----ca----baaaaaaanaaaaaaa!!!!
HI laura elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteHA!Do your worst...
Try and get that out of your head...and ANKA!
fronty,
OMG! That was uncalled for!
mj,
No! Not Barry Mani-NO! Oh gawd how am I going to scrub all of these crappy songs out of me 'ead!
fronty,
Stoooooooooopppp!
If you have an ounce of compassion left..think of the children...
OH THE HUMANITY!
HE: Why are you torturing us?
ReplyDeleteNuah-ah-ah-ah mj
ReplyDelete..I may know a little more about HELL than one might suspect...
Please allow me to introduce myself,
hope you guess my name.
You killed the Czar and his ministers!
ReplyDeleteI rode a tank
ReplyDeleteHeld a generals rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
And . . . . you're having my baybeeeeee . . . .
Match THAT for a segue >B^D>
mj and fronty,
ReplyDeleteIsn't this fun?
More fun than I've been allowed to have in ages >B^D>
ReplyDeleteOh, wait.
ReplyDeleteHow do you pronounce ankh? (as I sit here at work giggling my expansive posterior off)
eaithh: Gaelic for something or other
Shame on you. That's a song I haven't heard or even remembered existed for, like, 25 years! Thanks a lot. You may not believe in hell but instant karma's gonna get you for sure!
ReplyDeletele editor du frontiere,
ReplyDeleteC'mon, pleading 'Ankh-le' is not in the American lexicon. Canadians just say "OW I give, I give!"
andrea,
Neener!
fyi I had to play Pale Shelter to rinse that other song out of me 'ead!
Times like this are why I keep some Kinks, Police and Squeeze in my mp3 file for just such an emergency
ReplyDelete"I felt for several weeks in junior high that someone like Paul Anka could even think of breeding."
ReplyDeleteEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! Brain Bleach!
I'm sorry mj, but I love Manilow.
I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice.
Shadows of a man,
A face through a window cryin' in the night,
The night goes into
Morning just another day;
Happy people pass my way.
Looking in their eyes,
I see a memory I never realized how happy you made me.
Oh Mandy well,
You came and you gave without taking,
But I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
Kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
And I need you today.
Oh, Mandy!
I'm standing on the edge of time;
I've walked away when love was mine.
Caught up in a world of uphill climbing,
The tears are in my mind and nothin' in rhyming.
Oh Mandy well,
You came and you gave without taking,
But I sent you away.
Oh, Mandy well,
Kissed me and stopped me from shaking,
And I need you today.
Oh, Mandy!
Yesterday's a dream
I face the morning
Crying on a breeze
The pain is calling
Oh Mandy
Well, you came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today Oh, Mandy
You came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you
(yes, I'm kidding. I'm crazy but I'm not that crazy!)
But it's daybreak, if you wanna believe
ReplyDeleteIt can be daybreak, ain't no time to grieve
Said it's daybreak if you'll only believe
And let it shine, shine, shine
All around the world
sing it to the world, sing, sing
Don't ever try pop culture with a history major in the room - it gets really brutal
LAURA ELIZABETH YOU GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!
ReplyDeleteI did this exact same thing to within, without..the whole song...
BRAVO!
I hate to admit it but I do actually listen to Mandy every once and a while but the rest are just too sickly...
anyway thank you I deserve this karmic boomerang... and let us just say that you can expect a lyrical retaliation in your backyard in the very near future...
frontier editor,
OK OK Where are my sedatives...
Head for the hills...the inmates are running the asylum!!!!!!!
As andrea point out, HE, it's karma.
ReplyDeleteKARMA BABY!
:)
laura elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI am impressed at your last exhibition of self restraint..a mere link is quite subtle.
Boy George is an object for our pity not our scorn...did he obey the court order and start pickin' up garbage in New York?
I'm going to heaven! :P
ReplyDeleteI wonder what songs will play in heaven, probably elevator music. If God turns on Celine Dion, I'll meet you guys in hell.
My hell song would have to be something by Rush or Yoko. *shudder* Or maybe that fish heads song.
Fish Heads, fish heads
rolly polly fish heads
fish heads, fish heads
eat them up
yum!
christine,
ReplyDeleteThe music up there is gonna be a d-r-a-g man!
All that Bach, Beethoven, Brahms, Schubert, Wagner and Strauss...puh-leeze!
Oh except for THE SINGING NUN aka Jeanine Deckers
born Jeanne-Paule Marie Deckers
aka Sister Luc Gabriel of the Dominican Fichermont Convent in Belgium.
Remember 1963...
Dominique -nique -nique s'en allait tout simplement,
Routier, pauvre et chantant.
En tous chemins, en tous lieux,
Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu,
Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu
Ha that'll get old pretty fast!
Pico and Sepulllllveda
ReplyDeletePico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Doheny....
Cahuenga....
La Brea....
Tar Pits!
La Jolla....
Sequoia....
La Brea....
Tar Pits!
You can keep Alvarado,
Santa Monica,
even Beverly Drive.
Vine may be fine,
but for mine I want to feel
alive and settle down in my
La Brea....
Tar Pits....
Where nobody's dreams come true.
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Pico and Sepulllllveda
Doheny....
Cahuenga....
La Brea....
Tar Pits!
La Jolla....
Sequoia....
La Brea....
Tar Pits!
You can keep Alvarado,
Santa Monica,
even Beverly Drive.
Vine may be fine,
but for mine I want to feel
alive and settle down in my
La Brea....
Tar Pits....
Where nobody's dreams
come
truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue
You don't even want to know how drunk I gotta be to sing this one.
He did report for trash detail.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there poetry in justice.
and I heard he was a real bitch about it too.
ReplyDeletemucgu - Yugoslavian for that stuff dripping from one's nose
Thankfully, I have never heard that song.
ReplyDeleteWhen I reach hell, it will be playing a mix of rap, country and songs by those crappy indie-rock bands that all the teenage girls listen to now.
I guess that's why I find listening to the radio hell in itself now.
that agadoo song you know...
ReplyDeleteagadoo do do
push pineapple(are these even the words?) shake the tree etc etc -worst "song" ever written
-i wanna dance with somebody -whitney houston -eeewwwwwwwwwww, makes me wanna gag
-macarena
-who let the dogs out
OK, HE, fess up...
ReplyDeleteYou've got each and every one of these songs among your 4,538 MusicMatch Jukebox personal collection.
That's how you know them all so well. You've got a few humdingers hiding out in your closet...
Remember Endicott...now there's a brilliant song.
Any english Celine Dion song.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I don't know that Bad Blood song. Perhaps it was before my time.
Anything rap or country and you would convert me to Islam, second-day adeventisism, or anything, just to make it stop.
ReplyDeleteYou are all sick and depraved individuals and Bob is contemplating creating hell just to send you all there. Can you spell D I S C O?
phosphorousblogger,
ReplyDeleteWhen you get there it will be EMO bands 24/7! Rap and country will be elevator music in ten years so don't worry about them.
aidan,
Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread..and here in Canada the name SHATNER is only whispered in reverence...
Shatner
is
a-god!
within,
NO
Why can't you be more like
en-di-cott! My humble collection is a tenth of what a true audiophile would have..besides I still listen and burn the same 22 songs...every time?!
Hey did you see that laura laid down Mandy! Instant Karma got me,
anna,
You do not prefer her pronunciation of the words
love..'lurve'
and baby..'baybay'
the michael,
I must confess that I did like Grandmaster Flash and the Sugarhill gang back in the day but now that genre has pretty much sold out...I predict a day somewhere down the line when the Lawrence Welk Retro Band will be performing 'I like the way you do that right THUR right THUR!'
This culture cannot throw away anything.
Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana might send me over the edge.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks...now I've got a loop running in my head...
..having my baby....what a wonderful way of saying how much you love meeeeee....
Pam, that'll teach you not to bring enough meatloaf and squash for everyone
ReplyDeletehahahaha good one!
ReplyDeleteThank God I havent heard that song :):)
**WHICH SONG WOULD THE DEVIL PLAY TO TORMENT YOU?
I Go To Rio by Peter Allen. It goes like this and whenever I hear it I just wanna scream.
When my baby
When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio
De Janeiro, my-oh-me-oh
I go wild and then I have to do the Samba
And La Bamba... .... ...
Just WTH is that?
Keshi.
Looking over these tunes, and the hideous medley they'd compose
ReplyDeletePull all the damned teeth out sans novocain, while I hold my nose
pamela,
ReplyDeleteNeener...poor Barry. He could have just been a one hit wonder with You deserve a break today at McDonalds...
aaah brings a tear to my eye.
frontier,
Do you realise that we have been doing this for about 12 hours now!
That is scary.
keshiroo,
When my Baby,
When my Baby smiles at m....ssssssssKABOOM!!!
gruboleum,
OOch Dr. Mengele so nice of you to join us.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeee!
ReplyDeleteKeshi runs ard the place with fingers in her ears.
Keshi.
keshi, keshi, keshi,
ReplyDeleteIt's OK..look.
I blew up that song.
It will never bother you again...unless someone else has a copy of it..OH NO! What the? SH*T! sorry..I can't stop it...
When my baby
When my baby smiles at me I go to Rio
De Janeiro,
my-oh-me-oh
I go wild and then I have to do the Samba
And La Bamba... ...
When my Baby
When my Baby smiles at me I go to Rio
It's not all bad. I was able to
ReplyDeletesee an example of a unit of measure, to which I've refered from
time to time (without ever really considering its true magnitude).
Some Bozo was peddling bubble gum
tunes of the 70's (an anthology),
7 or 8 CD's worth- now, that's a
full Schittload of musical trauma!
The horror... the Horror!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteAny song by Red Hot Chilli Peppers!
ReplyDeleteAnd to think I am die hard rock music fan!
Bono will be there crooning to me in an "ironic" way.
ReplyDeleteOr they'll play a loop of funeral songs...
Robbie Williams' Angels.
Whitney Houstaon's I Will Always Love You.
Frank Sinatra's My Way.
Houstaon, we have a problem.
ReplyDeletegrumbilicious,
ReplyDeleteOOOoh we had all of those songs drilled into our noggins for decades...only now are we able to begin to understand the dangerous long term effects of such aural candy....brain decay.
naked nerdster,
Bill O'Frikkinreilly is an incredible waste of amino acids..just think his DNA could have provided enough material for atleast 20 Cocker Spaniels.
gautami,
The Chillis were just here..hmmm..its funny how some bands just rub you the wrong way..personally I like a few of their songs and I am a big fan of bands performing on stage with nothing on but socks on their wangers..giveitaway giveitaway giveitawaynow!
geoff,
ReplyDeleteI have always preferred the Sid Vicious version of My Way (Today I killed a cat)and STOP THE PRESSES apparently Whitney finally decided that Bobby Brown was hurting her career..HUH?..maybe she is running out of money?..whatever the reason that was the best reality show of the 90s...beauty and the beast.
Dan Hill ... Sometimes When We Touch.
ReplyDeletemj,
ReplyDeleteyour honesty is too much!
HELL will be...
ReplyDeleteLyin' Eyes by the Eagles...
*I shudder just to type it*
There's nothing worse than a twangy-kind of not-quite-country, neverending story and verses that NEVER FREAKING STOPS!!
/breathe....
tidal grrrl,
ReplyDeleteAnd your smi-i-i-le
is a thin disquise
thought by n-ow-ow
you'd re-a-lise
oh my word...how many billion times did they play that song....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAck!
ReplyDeleteYou're evil, HE.
May the Sedaka follow you after death!
/grin
OMG!
ReplyDeletekesheeeeeeeeee!
ReplyDeletesorry ;(
tidalgrrrl,
ReplyDeleteI just had a terrible idea...what if Neil tried to make a comeback with a daily newspaper column titled..
Sudoku by Sedaka
ouch sorry!
Ok, now that someone mentioned Meatloaf: "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that..." What was THAT all about and why was he singing in the first place? Also annoying is anything disco like "Oh wonchu take me toooo FUNKY TOWNNNN?" And particularly annoying: Ebony and Ivory (Jacko and Paul), anything by Lionel Richie (baaaaabyyyyyyy, I think I'm capsizing, the waves are risin' and risin') or by Rod Stewart after Mandolin Wind (Iiiiif you want my body, and you think I'm sexy...) Y U C K !!!
ReplyDeletecarm,
ReplyDeleteEbony, Ivory
Michael don't you steal my songs from me..
but he did.
and so Michael bought the Northern Songs catalogue with all of those great Beatles songs and started whoring them out to advertisers like NIKE. Thus began the descent of Michael Jackson's career into freakville and his soul into hell....