Wednesday, June 28, 2006

SOLOMON'S KING SIZED GIGGITY

I have always found it interesting that the smartest guy who ever lived, a man who could have asked God for anything..but asked for
Wisdom
also managed to acquire 700 wives and 300 concubines.
That's just crazy talk.


According to legend King Solomon (Shlomo) wrote Proverbs, Ecclesiastes (brilliant), Song of Solomon, built the temple, created unimaginable wealth and security for Israel, recited 3000 proverbs, 800 songs, dispensed incredible wisdom (the infamous threat to divide the baby in half to reveal the real Mother of the child) and yet had the mental wherewithall to cope with 1000 women.

Maintaining a relationship with one wife is a full time job so Solomon must have been a Genius!

Solomon grew up as the rich and famous son of King David.
Yes THE David who slew Goliath
(whose last name was Down, little known fact).
How Solomon could have ignored the harsh lesson that his father learned from acquiring his mother Bathsheeba is beyond me.
aaah the sins of the father.

You see David had devised a sinister plan to eliminate his future wife's starter husband. Mott the Hoople, I mean Uriah Heep no Uriah the Hittite, a loyal soldier, who was sent by David to the front lines and deliberately left to die in battle. Booo Hisss!
The story of David's craving for Bathsheeba and his cowardly plan to obtain her is perhaps the most famous
soap opera in the entire Bible!

David had oggled Bathsheeba while she was bathing on her rooftop. SCHWING! That was that he had to have her. As punishment for his part in the treacherous demise of Uriah Heep, God exiled the guilty King David to the sidelines of Empire building for the rest of his days.

Now where was I ...KING SOLOMON and the 1000 women ...
First of all if Solomon was the smartest guy that ever lived then it quite logically stands to reason that having an insatiable appetite for giggity giggity giggity is not a sign of diminished mental capacity as many modern women believe. Whew! Now that is good news for modern man.

Secondly, the logistics of having a different lover every night for 2.74 years would be a monumental task that most men would probably be willing to tackle but unable to accomplish. HA!
I mean if they HAD to. As Mel Brooks said
"It's Good To Be King!"

If you factor in nooners and choppin' the morning wood it wouldn't be such a chore.
Hmmm I think I can I think I can....

Regardless, the astounding Hefnerian antics of the smartest and greatest King in Biblical history stands out in stark contrast to the prudish pathetic Puritanical abhorrance of sex that the Christian world later adopted.
Night and Day actually.
How about Celibacy anyone?

Granted, understatement alert, this whole epic tale has an air of chauvenism to it. No really!
I wonder if the harem was next door to a giant shopping mall? What exactly did the ladies do on their days off?

Once a King always a King, but once a knight, was not enough for King Solomon. I mean he certainly never had to do it solo.. man! I think that Solomon may have been a schmidge
Obssessive Compulsive.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and Solomon is also notorious for allowing his multiple wives to cajole him into having him build temples for their lower case gods and his Kingdom crumbled after his death.

But man what a ride!

19 comments:

  1. I definitely missed this lesson in Sunday school.

    ReplyDelete
  2. scubes,
    Yeah Baby! Quite the Man's Man eh?... OOOPS I mean sheesh what a sexist pig!
    The story is obviously not very Politically Correct in this day and age. Yessiree it's hard to believe that having a harem of sex slaves is still frowned upon.
    Except of course in the Playboy Mansion, parts of Utah and any half decent Cult worth joining.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Goliath had a last name? How disappointing...

    Every 2.74 years, huh? You actually did the math?

    Amazing...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've never made that connection before...Solomon:wisdom as many parters:wisdom.
    This truly may be one of those cults worth joining.
    You're too cool Donn.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Secondly, the logistics of having a different lover every night for 2.74 years would be a monumental task that most men would probably be willing to tackle but unable to accomplish.

    Indeed.

    I swear, you have to be the most smartest blogger on here. How you know all this is beyond me.

    Why do I have this feeling you teach at one of the Universities in Whateverpeg?

    ReplyDelete
  6. grumble10:55 PM

    A staggering task indeed! Sounds like a humanistic application of Cantor's theory regarding things tranfinite.
    Maybe they'll put some likeness of
    ol' King Sol (...a merry ol' Soul was he!) on labels of Viagra or Cialis? Just a thought...

    ReplyDelete
  7. grumble10:58 PM

    On the other hand, it may have just been a case of attention deficit disorder, or absent-mindedness.

    ReplyDelete
  8. within,
    I deeply regret the Goliath Down joke but what are ya gonna do.
    Would any man really be happy having to giggity giggity giggity with a different woman every night for 2.7 years and then have to start all over.
    that is a tough one, hmmm, let me think about that...ppffft!

    brian,
    Wisdom obviously has many benefits that we fail to grasp. Apparently Solomon didn't think that all was Vanity!

    anonymousblogger,
    Where do I send the cheque?
    Do you remember when Homer sang..
    "I am so smart..S M R T!"
    This is terribly embarrassing for most of the entities currently residing in my brain..SHUT UP DONN LET HIM TALK..Knock it off you idiots I'm trying to sleep..YOU SHUT UP..Es kommt kein warmes Wasser!!...hey who ate the last piece of pizza..WILL SOMEBODY ANSWER THE DOOR....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Warped, that's what you are. I wish you were president of the Over-Excited States.

    You'd have to go on national TV and apologize to the nation for the Goliath Down joke...

    Stupidly, though, I can't help but laugh...

    ReplyDelete
  10. grumbly one.
    Sorry I am only familiar with Eddy Cantor's filmwork.

    Great idea for the Schwing pills!
    I love the disclaimer "If you have an erection lasting longer than three hours you should seek medical attention."

    Hello! Did those guys forget what it's like to be in grade 6??

    Anything would be better than that goofy bugger in the Viagara ads dancing to 'Good Mornin good MORNIN'. That guy paid for it downtown..He's not fooling anybody.

    ReplyDelete
  11. within,
    I know it is so assinine and juvenile HA HA HA
    I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Something you need to know about me. I'll laugh at any posting that has the word SCHWING! in upper case letters. Mission accomplished.

    ReplyDelete
  13. We're going to get along famously.

    Ten sex posiSCHWINGS that you shouldn't try before noon was fun!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ha!!!!!!
    *keels over laughing at that word again*

    ReplyDelete
  15. personally, i think solomon had the right idea. he was obvious about what he really wanted and the women got a break. to each his own. and i love the story because its further proof of how hypocritical parts of the bible are and the all too convenient...but that's the old testament, not the new testament! answer...doesn't cut it. there's an author who's pen name is poppy z. brite. she is married to two men. all three live in a house together. here! here! someday i will either find 'the one' or i will have a husband for every night of the week. might as well be honest about it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Quite the story teller you are. Love all the fonts and text fun.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ehm, if he did a threesome or foursome, he can start his cycle sooner.

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  18. damn...what a ride indeed. Such myths...such stories...I would b happy to find one wife...errr...ok...dont want to get there.

    ReplyDelete
  19. jromer,
    Very enlightening outlook at the sitch. It is what it is.
    You sound like somebody who knows who and what they want. I hope you find him (or them).

    the doll,
    Hello poet, thanks for dropping in. I like to embellish the background as much as I like to crank up the hyperbole.

    mistipurple,
    Aha, see now somebody is thinking. I just assumed that slow and steady would be the way to go. There wouldn't be the usual sense of urgency knowing that your calendar is booked solid so you might as well take your time and enjoy the view. But then again....

    ghost particle,
    If politics still offered those sort of bonuses a lot more people would be running for office.

    Now I can't help but think of Bill Clinton. Poor guy gets slapped on every JIB JAB video..have you ever seen any of their stuff..it's in my links.

    ReplyDelete

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