Wednesday, May 24, 2006

WE'RE ON THE MOOOOVE!

This morning Sir Ridley and I, along with his classmates from Nursery School, are off on a field trip.

Today these dazzling urbanites are to experience firsthand the unbridled ecstasy of farm living.
This is my fourth child and possibly the final sojourn into the barnyard. I can only hope that the grey sky retains it's moisture and that Nature takes it's course once we arrive.

You see the sights and smells of the farm can only be truly appreciated when watching the faces of bewildered four year olds witnessing a wide eyed bull mounting a less than receptive cow who stares back at the children while idly chewing her cud as she begrudgingly accepts his less than amorous endeavours.

Yes only here on the farm can a slight toss of the head and a quick lick at the salt block be considered foreplay...er...maybe not?

Full report to follow...


later that day..

OMG made it back from the excursion and turned on the airconditioning. Hot, humid and stinky can best describe the event.

STAGE ONE: an outhouse break followed by a snails paced towing behind a tractor through a scrub and pasture wasteland of cow manure in a wagon laden with allergens that must be sponsored by the Canadian Chiropractic Association.

STAGE TWO: an outhouse break followed by a brief parade of a impossibly matted sheep, llama, alpaca and a goat while suffocating in a barn full of dive bombing barn swallows and terrified four year olds.

STAGE THREE: an outhouse break followed by aquick game of hide and seek in a labyrinth of straw bales in the loft made even more interesting by a different batch of kamikaze barn swallows...EEEK!

STAGE FOUR: an outhouse break followed by a horseback ride memorable only for the astonished look on the faces of the volunteer Moms as Jackson the steed confidently flexed his three foot appendage about in the warm spring air.

STAGE FOUR: an outhouse break followed by the cacaphony of 100 four year olds chomping through the sweets and desserts before tossing the healthy items into large receptacles while intermittently staring at the kid in my group who continuosly excavated her nostrils and chewed on her boogers every ten minutes UGH!

STAGE FIVE: an outhouse break followed by forced confinement in a shed completely void of Oxygen to stroke kittens, rabbits and puppies for as long as you remained conscious...gasp...must save..others.......

STAGE SIX: an outhouse break followed by a near death experience for our severely hung-over teenage tour guide as a psychotic emu attacked him as he explained that emus are the direct descendents of dinosaurs (HHHIISSSS) reminiscent of a scene from Jurrasic Park ..AAIIEEEHH!

After a brief outhouse break it was back on the bus where a savy driver sold alcoholic beverages to the parents at exhorbitant prices...and worth every cent I might add.

7 comments:

  1. Ha...waiting for that report....your article is foreplay enougfh!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Blimey! That Gautami is easily pleased. I'd have to read it repeatedly at least 48 times to an accompanied Serge Gainsbourg soundtrack before it would have a similar effect on me.

    Maybe I'll just wait for the ultimate climax tomorrow x

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL A fun filled day indeed! Odd that you could purchase an alcoholic drink on the bus. What's up with that Ontario?!! Where's my drink after running after a bunch of snot nosed kids all day?!! ;)

    Glad you had fun with your munchkin!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's a zoo all right!

    But bovine eroticism - that is a tough one to figure, even when you're over four... And I hope bovine means what I think it does, not a word I get to use all that often...

    Donn, I apologize for the poor blog etiquette. Somehow I never got your url in with the other blogs I look in on regularly. Mistake's been corrected, I enjoy your perspective on possiblegospel -

    - Darius

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hah! Sounds like a good time was had by all, especially after
    soothing elixirs were rendered (a very practical, touch, that) to the
    noble chaperones. We're big on
    'defered gratification' here, and
    under the same circumstances, would
    covertly crave a boilermaker, but
    preach about the impropriety of
    booze (while searching our memories
    for the location of the Prozac ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. gautaumi,
    You my friend are a breath of fresh air..unlike the aroma that I was engulfed in today.

    cherrypie,
    I hope you make it back for the 49th tomorrow, see you later at dipping...

    christine,
    Despite our far left provincial policies to hold back the prospect of ever losing our dear transfer payments from the Feds there are some laws that can never be tampered with lest we storm the bastille and tear down the golden boy...bottoms up!

    darius,
    Well I have a doctorate in Bovinity, I'm full of BS, so I should know. Thanks for dropping by.
    I hope that you don't find me too irreverent for your deep thoughts at pozgoz, I really enjoy the decorum and multiple viewpoints that you have attracted. It is where I go to be challenged..good work.

    grumblefish,
    Prozactly!
    I myself eschew deferred gratification in favour of the instant type.
    Life is much too short and my short term memory loss has been an enabler of sorts for many years now.
    Yes grumbly one life is so short..except when you're out on field trips of course...

    ReplyDelete
  7. ah. i read your foreword.. humans and their insatiable quest to be entertained and distracted 24/7 in order to avoid dealing with reality...

    how apt. how true.
    escapism behind a veil of corporate trappings.
    checked.

    ReplyDelete

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