Saturday, May 27, 2006


The Emu attack on our tour guide witnessed by my son and his classmates the other day on a field trip sparked a dream about dinosaurs last night. Just before the incident, our guide was in the process of explaining that Emus (all birds) are the direct descendents of the Dinosaurs. Then the world's second largest bird made her move.

With a hiss the female Emu lunged her long neck over a chickenwire barrier and sent the can of goodies flying into the air. EEEK the children, parents, and tour guide screamed.

Dismissing the event and trying to restore his credibility, the young teenaged host bent over to retrieve the now emptied can . Hissss BANG!
Siezing the opportunity, the Emu leapt and lunged a huge clawed dino leg at the fence in an attempt to disembowel the lad who was obviously too frickin' close to the fence! HELLO!

The Emu was only inches away from the top of the fence before the force of her kick sent her reeling backwards over the water trough and onto her fellow inmates in the pen. All hell broke loose when she landed beside the rooster, chickens, ducks and geese that were minding their own business at the watering station.

I remember thinking that I would dive on top of my son to protect him and hope that the Emu would be satisfied with killing the guide. Hopefully the kill would give the rest of us the opportunity to slowly back away as the Emu ripped the lad from limb to limb and devoured him in an orgy of blood and entrails.

Dinosaur descendent my ass, that Emu is as dangerous as a bloody Velociraptor! It was quite a spectacle and only the miracle of the four minute attention spans on the four year olds enabled the screams to evaporate into nervous laughter and finally disinterest within guessed it..about four minutes.

Anyway, last night in my dream, Clint Eastwood asked me (who knows?) which came first the chicken or the egg. "I'm glad you asked me that Clint Eastwood," I replied.

"You see Clint, the Calcium Carbonate shelled egg is a miracle of evolution. Water tight but permeable enough to allow oxygen in and carbon dioxide out, it allowed the reptiles to conquer the land some 300 million years ago.

Mother Nature finally had to invent the first penis for the reptiles for fertilising the egg because it forms the shell inside the female. This left the penisless amphibians in the evolutionary dust, because they had to get it on 'dry humping' on top of the female in the water. This reproductive advantage gave rise to all of us la-di-da land lubbin' vertebrates.

It may also shed some light on why 300 million years later certain bipedal creatures with penises, male homo escapeons, still seem so reptilian at times. Eerily mirroring the evolutionary timetable, we modern penis centered bipeds begin our reproductive journey by 'dry humping' things like amphibians do. The various objects of our attention can best be described as basically anything that doesn't run away. Eventually we progress to the next level of gettin' busy, our reptilian stage, which ain't much prettier.
Isn't that fascinating."

I'm not sure, because I woke up before Clint had the chance to respond, but I think that I made his day.


  1. Ooooweeee! I am first!

    My! What an adventure with the emu and thank goodness for the resilience of children! My daughter (who is 5) normally does well after god knows how many hours of discussion and endless questions until she feels she has mastered her problems/inquiries enough...

    As for the scientific explanation.... fascinating to say the least!

    I did always hate that question and found your answer refreshing!

  2. You just made mine, Donn. Finally, I can understand all those ex-boyfriends.

  3. Oh, the visions you implanted in my head with all that talk. ::sigh::

  4. Oh my this was quite interesting to feast on and it will keep my mind busy longer than four minutes! Now this is what education should be used for, mating creative thoughts with today's reality, thus creating orginal thought, that is not new but so darn refreshing. That being said, indeed I enjoyed this journey! You may hump my mind some more. Thank you.


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