Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Nuts To You


Midlife is really all aboot having medical procedures and avoiding episodes.

Apparently once you turn 55 the medical profession cannot wait to reel you in and try out every machine that goes 'ping!'. 


During the last few months I've had a heart catheterization-coronary angiogram, a lovely 12 dart prostate biopsy, and a dreamy drug addled colonoscopy for good measure.


Since I went to such great lengths to overshare and document my vaswrecktomization-neutering 
here, today I am about to enjoy my first scrotal ultrasound, which would make a great name for a new wave-grunge band. 

I am hopeful that it will not be a squishy ball-busting affair like a mammogram...and let's hope that I get an invisible resonance imaging technician  with warm hands to gently guide me through this next awkward episode.

Seriously?

POST POSTING: Well the experience turned out quite different than I had imagined.  As Fate would have it, my technician was a very attractive woman who led me in to a dimly lit room and then proceeded to cover my "swimsuit area" with warm soothing lotion, and then she gently rolled a soft scanner over and over and over my boys.

As you can imagine I was quite concerned about..popping a you know..



...however I was concentrating so hard on disassociating through mindless banter, that I inadvertently set what is probably a new  Commonwealth record for turtling shrinkage!

Dammit I should make another appointment to restore my manly manlihood.  Nothing my imagination, a few Viagra and a pump couldn't restore..... SCHWING!

25 comments:

  1. What exactly are they looking for in there, Donn?

    Do they expect to find a cowardly sperm with large spectacles a la Woody Allen?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps? I suspect that they are looking for the Cadbury secret. However, I would rather not say until I know what's-what...then I will either be relieved or halving my junk.

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  2. Ouch.
    I am not going to request pictures, but I will wish you good luck and warm hands.
    Sx

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    Replies
    1. I had always imagined that good luck went hand in hand with warm firm hands, until today. Now I know that you must never compromise your feelings..just let them grow if they want to and worry about it later.

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  3. Since Miss Scarlet is not requesting pictures, I shall toss my name into the hat.

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    Replies
    1. Well since I need to repair my deflated flaccid ego I had better fotoshop a HUGE (but somewhat believable) weenis shot...but something tasteful like former Congressman Weiner's social media 'posts'.

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    2. I wouldn't know taste if it slapped me on the face but I'd like something wallet-sized, please.

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  4. hahahahaha
    Hmm? Well I guess it would fit in your wallet if you fold it a few times?

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  5. Bragging, dear?

    If there no untoward lumps and bumps, that's all that really matters.

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    Replies
    1. Yes yea indeed...although I suppose that I will be a little more cocky once the Testicologist has had a chance to examine the scan and verify that it is a harmless hydrocele thingamajiggy.
      TMI I know.

      Delete
  6. Ohmygoodness! I larfed so hard. I know I shouldn't, but that Tortoise was the kicker!

    Do you think they will find some little toy in there? Like a Kinder Surprise?! :p

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    Replies
    1. She could not have been much "Kinder" without breaking some vows and a few laws in Kentucky.

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  7. Hope the jewels are ok Donnnn (did you have a wax job beforehand?)

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    Replies
    1. HA! I did some very fancy manscaping so as not to embarrass myself too badly but as you can see it was all for not. Live and learn.

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. I love TMI. Gave me my first LOL of the day. And if you do have a Kinder Surprise toy lurking in there make sure they remove it before you make your next Big City excursion over the line to Grand Forks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH gawd! A whole new slant on Homeland Security!

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    2. Oh gawd wouldn't Curious George and the Man With The Yellow Gloves have a field day with that!?

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  10. 17 times table - LIKE A BOSS.

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  11. Once I got done laughing I thought to myself: self, don't laugh at this mans' nad issues. But it didn't do any good and I kept laughing anyway. I hope your nad scan turns out to be as benign as my tittage squishectomy did. Maybe you'll be the lucky contestant and find the missing twin!

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    Replies
    1. Before I went in the doc said that he could jab a huge syringe in my dingleberry to drain it! Yay!!

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  12. No it was funny...now, it wasn't at the time. I can only take solace in the fact that I brought much laughter and joy to the scrotal-ultrasound department staff room that morning.

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  13. my sweet 21 year old daughter has spent the last week feeling testicles for lumps - fascinating stuff she tells me! Rather her than me. Hope that nothing untoward was detected! xx

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    Replies
    1. No immediate news is usually Good News innit?

      Delete

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