REGAL DNA BEYOND REPAIR

DATELINE LONDON:

Following the recent trothing of Prince Willy Wales and Katty Kay, genetic scientists immediately sprang into action.

Newfound evidence of a once secret program which carefully monitors the breeding of aristocratic European families recently came to light.

Yesterday, around noon, several files were discovered by scavenging Government workers searching for food in the garbage bins behind the Freedom Of Information Bunker.

Members of Royalty are not bred for a specific skill or purpose other than to be entered into an ancient 'show' between Nations. Awards are generally based on conspicuous displays of wealth, but sometimes given to outgoing characters who have displayed outstanding, energetic acts of immorality.


From the files we learn that during the Middle Ages it became apparent that without fail, royal families produced offspring burdened with many undesirable attributes.

These traits ranged from simple undesirable character irregularities such as uncontrollable giggling, to despotic paranoia and delusions of grandeur.

One doctor, Lord Sinjin Tennisanyone, correctly deduced that this appalling condition was the direct result of over 800 years of unbridled inbreeding amongst the European Aristocracy.

In order to combat these terrible afflictions and maintain political stability, substitute eggmaidens were selected from asylums.

This selective breeding program was astonishingly successful and lasted well into the 20th Century.

However, once the Human Genome had been mapped, the Tennisanyone family, gatekeepers of the Royal basting and neutering program, introduced modern scientificky procedures in order to streamline the process and free-up their weekends.

These days all that is required to successfully create an aristocrat is a wee DNA sample from suitable donors most of which are still conveniently warehoused in asylums. 

A procedure that once required numerous bottles of Gin, scented candles, yards of velvet rope, and a tub of lard, can now be done in a matter of minutes.

The only constant still required is that the Princess or Queen must be either rendered unconscious or distracted with jewelry or shoes.

Here for the first time we can view the shocking photographic evidence of what could happen if scientists refused to intervene.

Exhibit A is unquestionably shocking. This is a computer generated image of what William and Harry would have looked like, had Charles been allowed to follow his own devices.

Exhibit B is another disturbing projection of the future progeny which Princes William and Harry would unleash if their severely compromised royal swimmers, floaters, twirlers and sinkers were allowed near an egg. 

As you can see, this remains a highly sensitive issue, and you didn't hear this from me, but a Mrs. Gwynyth Throatwarbler Sharpley of Thamesmead, is suspected of being harvested on four separate occasions.

So Mums the word eh?