Thursday, November 18, 2010

REGAL DNA BEYOND REPAIR

DATELINE LONDON:

Following the recent trothing of Prince Willy Wales and Katty Kay, genetic scientists immediately sprang into action.


Newfound evidence of a once secret program which carefully monitors the breeding of aristocratic European families recently came to light.

Yesterday, around noon, several files were discovered by scavenging Government workers searching for food in the garbage bins behind the Freedom Of Information Bunker.

Members of Royalty are not bred for a specific skill or purpose other than to be entered into an ancient 'show' between Nations. Awards are generally based on conspicuous displays of wealth, but sometimes given to outgoing characters who have displayed outstanding, energetic acts of immorality.


From the files we learn that during the Middle Ages it became apparent that without fail, royal families produced offspring burdened with many undesirable attributes.

These traits ranged from simple undesirable character irregularities such as uncontrollable giggling, to despotic paranoia and delusions of grandeur.


One doctor, Lord Sinjin Tennisanyone, correctly deduced that this appalling condition was the direct result of over 800 years of unbridled inbreeding amongst the European Aristocracy.


In order to combat these terrible afflictions and maintain political stability, substitute eggmaidens were selected from asylums.

This selective breeding program was astonishingly successful and lasted well into the 20th Century.


However, once the Human Genome had been mapped, the Tennisanyone family, gatekeepers of the Royal basting and neutering program, introduced modern scientificky procedures in order to streamline the process and free-up their weekends.


These days all that is required to successfully create an aristocrat is a wee DNA sample from suitable donors most of which are still conveniently warehoused in asylums. 

A procedure that once required numerous bottles of Gin, scented candles, yards of velvet rope, and a tub of lard, can now be done in a matter of minutes.

The only constant still required is that the Princess or Queen must be either rendered unconscious or distracted with jewelry or shoes.

Here for the first time we can view the shocking photographic evidence of what could happen if scientists refused to intervene.

Exhibit A is unquestionably shocking. This is a computer generated image of what William and Harry would have looked like, had Charles been allowed to follow his own devices.



Exhibit B is another disturbing projection of the future progeny which Princes William and Harry would unleash if their severely compromised royal swimmers, floaters, twirlers and sinkers were allowed near an egg. 


As you can see, this remains a highly sensitive issue, and you didn't hear this from me, but a Mrs. Gwynyth Throatwarbler Sharpley of Thamesmead, is suspected of being harvested on four separate occasions.


So Mums the word eh?

13 comments:

  1. Yup... no argument here...

    ReplyDelete
  2. substitute eggmaidens...
    Okay, so how much does it pay???
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tu felix Austria, nube.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How many more generations until the horsey-face look is bred out of them?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Is there a royal wedding on the way?

    I hadn't heard. I'd like to keep it that way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Is it my imagination or does that picture of P. Charles look a little like President Bush? Something about the eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm planning an overthrowing of the Windsor dynasty, probly next week when I'm thoroughly tired of this latest nonsense- wanna come over and join in?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Princess
    Excellent,it's agreed, we storm the bastille at dawn!

    Vicus,
    I know that you're a bit of a stickler for details therefore I am forwarding a manifest of all the tax monies that were paid to Windsor Hadron Collider Parts
    (2018) Ltd.

    Scarls,
    Actually it pays quite well. A successful delivery is worth aboot $25M. although the government still gets 40%.

    Mago,
    That sounds like swear words? I only speak igpay atinlay.

    Rimpy,
    You are very kind but I feel it is my duty to expose this sinister plot. I take no pleasure in it.

    MJ,
    I'm afraid the trademark drawnout expressions are permanent features because it is impossible to to undo 800 years of inbreeding.

    Roses,
    I am sorry to have exposed you to the news of the day. Draw the shutters, have a drink, and find your happy place. I'll call you when it's over.

    LDahl,
    I'm sure that they are related somehow, the inbreeding was in full swing during the birth of the nation. The DNA of the founding fathers was more Brit than Yank.

    Lulu,
    I'd love to join you especially if you are preparing a special lunch for the occasion. What time shall I should I show up and what can I bring?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Step 1. Don't encourage them by putting their likeness on your money!

    ReplyDelete
  10. XL,
    That seems ridiculously simple doesn't it? How could you not feel like a GOD when your likeness is on the most worshipped item in the world?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know for a fact that my next door neighbors are Windsors. They all have grey teeth. Oh yes. I've seen them out in the yard Windsoring around shamelessly like a bunch of Windsors. Plus they wear bagwigs. Tell me I'm wrong. *assumes defiant stance*

    ReplyDelete

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