Wednesday, December 30, 2009

FOREIGNERS MUST STOP EATING
by LORD TENNISANYONE










Pursuant to my recent reply to an electronic article published by my dear associate and ardent Large Hadron Collider denier, Vicus Scurra , concerning the Queen's 2009 message regarding the dietary peculiarities of foreigners, it suddenly occurred to me, that the greatest challenge of the new decade will be how we manage to preserve our beloved exotic animals and allow foreigners to share our planet.

Sadly those people have brought this all upon themselves. Unable to control their primal urges they fight amongst themselves and breed exponentially. 
Due to their self inflicted circumstance they are in the midst of subsequently eviscerating their local biospeheres where our beloved exotic animals live.
Bad form I say.



On the darkest of continents these people thoughtlessly trespass on our Game Preserves at will and shoot anything that bloody moves. Known locally as "Bush Meat" these foreigners are systematically eating our cousins, the Bonobos and Chimpanzees.




Dare I say that during the Colonial era in Africa the locals weren't allowed to tamper with our Game and everything seemed to be in order.
Now the whole bloody thing is out of sorts.

As if that wasn't enough of a perturbance, these foreigners also  massacre Elephants, Tigers, Gorillers, and Rhinos, leave the carcasses to rot, and sell their tusks, horns, paws, and penii, so that other foreigners can get boners, carve trinkets, and make bloody knife handles.


 

These voracious little buggers send huge floating factories into our bloody oceans to net, vacuum, dynamite, and harpoon anything that bloody swims or crawls..including our whales.

With all the fish nearly gone from the actions of these inconsiderate uppity foreigners, vicious Seals have started attacking and feeding upon my fellow Colonists.



One can hardly believe that these heartless bastards perform the barbaric practice of hacking the fins off of millions of bloody sharks every year, dumping the rest of the dying creatures into the water, in order to make expen$ive bloody soup to supposedly bring good luck and get boners.

Unfortunately eating our cousin Apes which have 99% of our DNA isn't the most egregious violation. What will eventually tip the scale and force us to take affirmative action is the irreconcilable practice of eating our beloved best furiends... 



Dogs.
Bloody Hell!


My old chum Charlie Darwin would not have been surprised at our discovery that all large megafauna were obliterated and became extinct as we marched out of Africa and conquered the other continents.




The animals that evolved alongside of us in Africa had enough bloody sense to run away or eat us. The new species that we encountered were thick as a post and just stood there as we poked them with sharp objects.

The fossil record shows that we annihilated the competing predatory species and inadvertently upset the natural balance allowing the prey animals to overpopulate and devour their food supply whilst succumbing to accompanying disease, before we killed and ate them all.

Nowadays it's bloody well impossible to enjoy a tender butter-roasted Dodo...




not to mention that a proper Gentlemen can no longer even enjoy a pleasant afternoon bagging a Thylacine ?!




pity.

That being said, we in the modern world have taken responsibilty for the missteps of our ancestors and developed an inexhaustable supply of frankencritters on huge factory farms....
 so why can't those foreigners figure it out?

We want to be able to enjoy hunting and photographing the exotic animals on safari in our far off lands and if these foreigners wish to continue sharing our planet, then they must stop eating our animals and especially our furiends.
My Word! 

31 comments:

  1. As a picky eater, most of the planet's fauna and flora are safe from me. I mean, chicken feet? How can that possibly be a delicacy? There's nothing on there to eat.

    That being said, the only thing I have to say to the last surviving swordfish swimming in our polluted oceans is "GET IN MAH BELLY!"

    Ahem.

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  2. Thank you for inducing the feeling of smugness that only a vegetarian can feel when one comes across a discussion of slaughter.
    I am proud to announce that no animal flesh has passed my lips since 1971.

    Apart from that Michaelmas party when I fellated a Thompson's gazelle.

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  3. Well, the price of rhino horn might explain why pirates operate out of Yemen.
    Happy and Peaceful (hah!) New Year to you, Donn.

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  4. Its almost impossible to get fresh ivory these days - I needed some for the under butlers second candelabra and Fortnums simply refused - thank God for Harrods I say. As for mans nearest relatives the feral monkies here in the west of England more thasn make up for the looming extermination of their African cousins. Also. Do you know whats in a Ginsters pie?

    Happy Nude year my friend!!

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  5. see, coffee and fags (that's cigarettes to you) are the way to go

    (-:

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  6. So much slaughter just for boners? Typical.

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  7. Eating puppies--I suppose that's one way to end world hunger and curb the stray population.

    Speaking of foreign places and food, I wonder, do they have McDonald's in India, and do they serve hamburgers or a substitute? What about breakfast sausages? Or the McRib?

    Happy New Year, Donn!!!

    ..*o*
    ..o.*o
    ...]-[
    ..(__).....(*-)....(*-)
    ..[__]...._I_...._I_

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  8. Timely Olympic demonstration sport!


    PS: Keep the sermons coming in 2010 Brother Donn!

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  9. I shall be enjoying some foie gras canapés tonight, safe in the knowledge that those geese enjoyed every minute of their cirrhosis. BELGIUM wishes you a happy New Year.

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  10. I love meat, but you've got to have some fruit and veg thrown in there, otherwise toilet breaks are downright horrendous.

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  11. I'm with ILTV... tea and fags now seem like the healthy option.
    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
    Sxxxx

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  12. Vegetables are alive and (probably)have feelings too... doncha think?

    eh? eh?

    Happy New Year anyway Donnnnnnxxxx

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  13. Time to invest in a free-range coelacanth farm. Sell you mine...

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  14. As much as I adore you, Lord Tennisanyone, I find today's topic too disturbing to comment on.

    Therefore I will direct your attention to Donn's new header.

    I've had a wee tipple so Donn's hand appears 3-D-like to be reaching out to grab my breast!

    Perhaps I shouldn't have started drinking so early in the day.

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  15. 'Fraid a scrolled, saw the pics, and was too wigged to read the post. Mostly I just want the benefit of your good judgement on the new poll at my place. my future depends upon it.

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  16. Darling fear thee not about the fate of animals - the revolution is here and there are growing artificial meat in the Netherlands.
    http://tinyurl.com/yll9qkq
    Move over Spam this in the future we will all be eating generic meat - right now it tastes like 'soggy pork' but they are working on it. Happy New Year!

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  17. Happy New Year!

    Hope 2010 is a good one.

    I look forward to more weirdness from you over the coming months.

    xxx

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  18. That is it, I am turning vegetarian now... and as for the Tassie Tiger, I wish I could see one just once! We hav a book on the Tasse Tiger and Mia wants one as a pet, lol.

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  19. we eat everything here.
    but alot of 'informed' folks boycott sharks fins, etc. eg. monkey's brain? yes i had to say that. they're alive when they dig in. no, thankfully, not here. other parts of asia yes.

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  20. Hehehe I hope you don't expect us to go on a dit after reading this, right MyLord?

    As usual in this time of the year, I'm having seafood, lamb, salmon, and a wide variety of sweets. In a couple of days it will be over, so... Carpe Diem and Happy New year!

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  21. Anonymous12:53 p.m.

    I was just saying on the other page that you have the short version of the greed/economy diatribe. I got the long verion a while back. It ended up talking about the NBC pundits Chatzky and Wong. It had to be at lest 20 pages longer than the verion you posted. Took me over an hour to read it. When I find it I will post it for you. Or just look up Chatzky Wong and Greed kills.

    Later John

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  22. We need to start a rumor that cockroaches are an aphrodisiac. Make that, “several pounds of cockroaches.” Hell, it’s right in the name, how hard could it be? Come to think of it, that could be our slogan: “How hard could it be?” We get all those weirdoes to stop eating rhino dick and tiger nuts, and maybe put cockroaches on the endangered species list all at the same time. It’s a win-win situation! We’ve been feeding those little bastards in urban kitchens for centuries, time they pulled their weight in the food chain.

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  23. By George I think breakerslion is on to something! While we're starting the rumor why couldn't we also hint that they are hallucinogenic, with no known side affects? Roach roaches could be the newest thing.

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  24. Anonymous7:57 a.m.

    Here it is. The most angry diatribe on greed ever written (long version). Don't say I didnt warn ya and don't bother unless you have an hour to spare.

    oprahangelinabradbonobill.blogspot.com

    (GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL)

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  25. i always wanted to eat puppies, and americans are fat, it needed to be said.

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  26. I fear our Brit reality TV show 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here' bush tucker trials in the jungle will do for at least half the native species of Australia.

    We deffo need more smug veggies, like me!

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  27. LOL! Jolly good, old chap.

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  28. Bloody steaks!
    Happy New Year!

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  29. Ha! Love that image of the baby chewing on a puppy

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  30. Jonathan Swift wrote a wonderfully amusing satire on how to solve one of the many famines in Ireland. It caused even more of a furore as your wonderfully satiric diatribe has done, but that's because the UK government at the time thought that it was a serious piece of writing.

    ReplyDelete

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