Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Comforting my sole

Like many of you, I am a survivor of well
intentioned excruciatingly painful
medical procedures.

Last year I had the misfortune of having my
junk lasered thanks to a highly contested and
very public court ordered vaswrectomy...
the entire nightmare is meticulously preserved in my archive.

Today I shall try to summon the courage
to relive the horror of my Bunionwrectomy.

You think that's funny eh?

Think you can handle watching 2 short
animations of Buniowrectomy?

I dare you to watch the SAW thingamajiggy

and the DRILL doohickey!

Time has partially healed my wounded sole(s)
and I take a modicum of solace in the
knowledge that there are important celebrities
who are afflicted by this merciless blight.

If you were to Google "Bunion" one would
discover images of not only the legendary
woodsman Paul Bunion,

but also Iman, Oprah, Posh and Paris who
boldly parade about with gnarly feet and refuse
to disguise their disfigurement
...courageous Ladies one and all!

Nowadays everyone knows that bunions are
induced from wearing high heels, but back in the 60s it had not yet been scientifickily proven.

My Mommy still blames herself for the way
she dressed me in grade school...

but I know that my Mommy and her cohorts
of the Baby Boom Era, 
were unaware of the long term effects of
stylish footwear.

By the early 70s my dogs were barkin' on a
daily basis and my Mommy made the
decision to incapacitate me with her "helper",
an ether soaked rag,
then under cover of darkness,
delivered my limp, unconscious, body
to the experimental podiaphile procedures
wing of the Children's Hospital.

When I awoke my arches had fallen and my
very first thought was that my promising
lucrative career in track & field was finito.

The year before I had surprised the staff,
my schoolmates, and myself, by placing
first in 2 sprinting events.

My dream of being a studly jock had vanished!
Now my school days were ruined!

I know that my Mommy mean't well,
but if I couldn't be a Track Star,
how was I supposed to be uber-popular and
procure a perpetual panoply of spontaneous
random sexual favours from biologically
accomodating nymphomaniacal
cheerleaders plagued with self-image issues?

From that day forward I had been sentenced
to the drudgery of serial monotony!

Were it not for the Morphine,
which was totally AWESOME,
I may have fallen into deep despair.

Yet I went on with my life,
and somehow made the most with what
I had left of my now horribly mutilated
and disfigured body. 

Out of the agony of defeet, 
one can find a deeper understanding of Life,
and soothe their sole.


  1. THIS explains why you insist on wearing CROCS!

  2. Some of your readers might find that gurlyboy photo arousing.

    Just so you know.

  3. Nice wiener ... dog.

    Okay, I'm done here.

  4. You feet had Progeria?

  5. PS: Oh Hai MJ MJ MJ!

  6. I don't get it......according to our Republicans, you wouldl have had to wait until you were DEAD before you would have been granted an operation for something so ELECTIVE as this pitiful little minor surgery you claim you needed. Did you have to sneak over the US border under the cover of night disquised as a Lutheran from Minnesota in order to get this life saving procedure? Also, why didn't they deny you the procedure based on the pre-existing condition of having FEET?

    I'm confused.

  7. Okay. Dude. That pic was well gross.

    I just kinda glossed over the rest and am waiting 'til the nausea passes so that I can go and pour bleach in my eyes.

  8. sweet mary magdalene! and i thought i had it bad! *waiting for fat sparrow to finish with the eye bleach* xoxoxox

  9. Exquisitely risible. I may visit again.
    Hobgoblin nor foul fiend
    Can daunt his spirit.

  10. Bunions aren't the only disfiguring things on Parasite Hilton.

    But I applaud you for getting back up on your feet, one step at a time, and now you're footloose and fancy free!

    Awesome ribbons on winning in track! I was a sprinter, too!

    Did you do any wheelchair races?

  11. ouch!

    Cinderella's big sisters had nothing on you, did they. . .

    (regarding the eye bleach: I think we deserve an "after" photo too)

  12. sounds painful.
    dare not see the links.
    hope you and your buns feel better soon.

  13. They whacked off yer toes ???

    basterds ...

    Or was it some moonshine-induced bear-trap-accident?

  14. I have thankfully never been thus afflicted.


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