Thursday, September 03, 2009


Today was my last day at Grand Beach this summer,
but it was almost my last day at the Beach EVER!

I may be an adrenaline-junky and thrillseeking S.O.B whackjob,
but I don't take crazy-ass risks!

I have all sorts of surveillance gizmos and crap that I bought from an ex-C.I.A. guy on Kijiji..
pretty cool eh?


The coast was clear so I ran out and grabbed LIFE by the balls!

After surfin' I went for a swim,
but almost immediately,
I sensed that danger lurked beneath the waves.

I felt something very large moving between my legs..
no it wasn't that,
the water was pretty cold.
I kept hoping that whatever it was,
was vegetarian!

Then I saw a flash of green lightning!

Not a Northern Pike (fo' real click & see)

The Northern Pike..we call them Jack, is a million times more dangerous than a shark.

I was dead-certain that I was going to be tomorrow's lead story.

All I could think of was...
(( I WANT MY M O M M Y ))

I knew that statistically speaking the odds of me surviving this attack were really really really low.

Being a vasectomy survivor,
I thought that I knew what real pain was..
but this was unlike any pain that I had ever experienced..
except for the vasectomy.

The monster chomped my right hand off!
I bit off my other hand and threw it at the bastard hoping that it would give me a few extra seconds to swim to shore...
which turned out to be a lot harder without my hands...
but I made it!

Okay ya got me :)

Other people at the beach were starting to stand on the shoreline and gawk but more importantly,
my assistants on this blog-shoot were kvetching and ready to quit.

My good-lady-wife was embarrassed and #2 son had had enough and wanted to go off and catch minnows..
so I guess this is where I'll end my Fishy story...
and how could I have thrown over my other hand?

Did I mention that we have sharks too?


  1. Okay...everybody: singalong. You know the tune
    "Rubber Jack...
    When are ya comin' back
    Ohh! RubberrrJack! Rubberrrjack..."

    Nice try, Donn, but I live in tropical Queensland and our crocodiles/sharks/snakes/jellyfish/mad motorists trump your piffling lil pike!

  2. reysputin11:58 p.m.

    i was about to ask if #2 gets tired of all the photo shoots. even live sharks attacking your father would get boring eventually, i guess.

  3. I was surprised to learn that there's a "Doomsday Book of Mammoth Pike"...

    Apparently this "titanic masterpiece is an unrivalled piece of angling history."

    I, for one, am enthralled.

  4. and there was me wondering how you'd managed to type this with no hands. . .

    . . .until I read that you have Blog Staff!!!


    the last day on the beach is always a sad one, eh


    still - that's what memory is for!!

  5. LMAO, I needed the laugh.. you sure provided me with that Donn. I just finished a morning shift on neurology, hectic but very good working with a great team of nurses and doctors :)

  6. I trust that you will be campaigning to rid the waters of these monsters. I, for one, will be supporting your "Jack off" campaign.

  7. Somebody had to do it.

  8. Thank you, Vicus.

  9. I knew Jack shit about these monsters.

  10. You are such a hero Donn, and that's after surviving all that bear stuff too.

    I can't understand why your wife should get embarrassed about this, is it because your bravery is showing up all those no-hope husbands who just lie down and die in the face of a rubber fish?

  11. *snickering* xoxoxxo

    (best regards to y'alls poor lady wife!)

    bless your heart

  12. Since you have so heroically lost both hands......what are you typing with ????

  13. I immediately thought of the game You Don't know Jack when i saw the jack attack!

    My hubby just about lost a thumb to these vile preditors this summer... slew sharks!!

  14. Dude. You are such a nut!

  15. I am truly shocked and amazed.

  16. bollocks, Vic got the best line.

    But if you need help with your "Jack Off" I'm willing to lend a hand.

  17. A gruesome beast, that pike. How truly terrifying.

    But you, brave fellow, have the makings of Homeric verse in your hands.

  18. WOW Donn, if it's not the bears it's the Jacks... are you typing with your toes now?

    Have fun!

  19. Awww, in one shot, your fish looks like a beagle and a cucumber morphed together. Cute. I'm happy to hear none of this is true and your hands are intact. After all, we know the only real dangerous thing here in the great white north is... SASQUATCH.

  20. Donn, you said you were at the 'beach', aren't pike fresh water fish???! Lovin' the lunacy!

  21. Why is the water so......I dunno.....GREEN?

  22. Ok this look like a bad horror movie from the 80's!LOL
    That was funny!I'd like one of those though,where did you get it from?

  23. YEah these childen today, they act so goddam adult!

  24. Sarah got a point!You have been lying to us the all time!I'm shocked!:)

    Oh sure tropical Queensland may havecrocodiles, sharks, snakes, jellyfish and mad motorists but people knew about that before they moved there. My forefathers arrived here from Europe thinking that most, if not all, of the dangerous animals would be slaughtered like they did in the US.

    #2 son is getting a bit too big for his britches. I'm trying to teach him the basics about setup and maintaining production values..all he wants to do catch minnows? Ingrate.

    Speaking of masterpiece and angling, when my Dad reeled in the beast circa 1971 it was over 20 pounds and he was awarded a Master Angler Award. Hows that for a segue.
    The behemoth tried to EAT my Mom and Sister as it ferociously flopped around the boat so Dad improvised by "calming" it with some "reassuring" blows with a paddle!

    The last day of the season is a "beach". We had a crappy Summer and it didn't get hot until September? We had a fabulous day and took plenty of pictures ..normal remember it by.

    Now it's on to the 7 months of Winter :(

    You have been such a source of encouragement and information over the past three months. Thanks.
    Obviously I need to unwind and have some fun because I have never been more aware of how quickly "this" can all be taken away.

  26. VICUS
    HAHAHA! Well put.
    From now on I shall throw my hands in the air and seek your input on creating my titles.
    "JACK OFF" would have certainly procured more readers...and as a thread it continues to provide a plethora of witticisms.

    This helped.

    Naturally I concur with your lavish praise of Scurra.

    I myself was nearly Jackshit! Were it not for the basic training that I received at Boy Scouts...treading water in the frigid Lake for hours to avoid any further inappropriate contact with the Scout Masters...I might not have had my wits about me.

    Bless your soul. The voice of reason howling in the wilderness!
    You should inform my better half that all of those boring husbands waddling about like Elephant Seals are boring. I am a godsend to her and her scrapbooking addiction.

    Oh my good-lady-wife may pretend to be uneasy with my childish antics in public places but deep down she knows that I was put on this earth for her pleasure...and to amuse myself.

    I'm just trying to come out of my shell and stop being so shy.

  27. BEAST
    A-HA! You are very astute..your powers of observation make you a worthy adversary in my quest to bamboozle other Earthlings.
    You may have won this round you rascal but we shall meet again Moriarity!
    We shall meet again.

    Yes slough sharks! These buggers are the "sharks" of our lakes..actually their cousin, the Musky, gets BIGGER and MEANER. They can grow over 60 pounds and they eat ducks!

    For years I had one living under our dock and I always worried about it nipping one of the kid's toes..the roof of their mouth is ALL teeth. Scary looking.

    But this creature was too stoned from ingesting all of the gas from the boat..he just hovered under the dock with a blank expression on his face.

    Speaking of "nut" you can bet that after my willy..which was mercifully turtled thanks to the extremely cold water, the next worst-possible-targets also happen to be my main source of bouyancy.

    More Shocked or Amazed? I know that you love the outdoors and you need to be aware that Jacks attack and sink canoes and boats..
    especially if humans are foolishly fishing from them.

    I would never-EVER sit in one of those flotation thingamabobs and fish near a reedy area where Jacks love to hide and ambush passing swimmers. You're a sitting duck..and they eat Ducks!

    I'm a little verklempt. I must confess that I was deeply moved by your very kind offer. I appreciate it when people are willing to go the extra mile.

    Yes you're right..I see that can I ever repay you.

    μήτηρ γάρ τέ μέ φησι θεὰ Θέτις ἀργυρόπεζα Jack!
    διχθαδίας κῆρας φερέμεν θανάτοιο τέλος not the toes!?

    εἰ μέν κ’ αὖθι μένων Τρώων πόλιν ἀμφιμάχωμαι the other hand
    ὤλετο μέν μοι νόστος, ἀτὰρ κλέος ἄφθιτον ἔσται to shore

    it's a start.

    I can't win. Bears on the shore and Jacks in the water. Canada is such a dangerous place. In fact, the only reason that the American Government is afraid to invade us and take our freshwater is because of all the dangerous creatures.

    "The closer you get to Canada,
    the more things there are that'll eat y'er horse."

    What kind of mushrooms have you been putting on your salad..a Beagle and a Cucumber? I suppose you're right it was a terrible job by an amateur taxodermist. I often wonder about taxodermists...that is pretty creepy eh? Imagine your basement freezers all loaded with dead critters..and having all those glass eyeballs staring at you..they never blink.

    You silly goose we don't have any Bigfoot in our province, they are all in Sasquatchewan.

  28. SARAH
    Grand Beach is a mere 80 Kanadian Miles form Whateverpeg and it is situated at the bottom end of the 11th largest freshwater lake on Earth!

    When I refer to "the Beach" it is an all encompassing term that entails every aspect of the experience be it aquatic, erotic, hypnotic or neurotic.

    The water is greenish-green because the Red River empties all sorts of chemicals into it from the bowels of the American Farmland and this combined with the facty that the average depth of Lake Whateverpeg is 39 feet...*gasp....
    ensures that algae blooms are guarandamnteed! Plus you have thousands of humans, gulls and fish peeing into it.
    I may never go swimming again :(

    My Dad caught it fishing (1971) and it has been hanging in my basement for decades so I thought that it would be fitting to rteturn it to the water for one last hurrah!

    It doesn't semm any worse for wear so I might try this again next Summer with a larger cast and some food colouring for "blood".

    I am NOT lying I was at "the BEACH" explained to Sarah.

    YEAH! Kids! No respect eh? I'm trying to show this kid the basics about show business and he wants to wander around and explore Nature? Nature Schmature!

    The whole point of going out-of-doors is to fix it and make it more comfortable.That's why we lug all of this crap with us when we go to the's gross!

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. I agree, Donn. Pike are viscous bastards.

  31. I agree, Donn. Pike are viscous bastards.

  32. Glad you survived, and that was ONE HELL of a blog-effort, lol !

  33. your arm is a bit discolored at the spot where you took the bite.
    you're sure your arms are intact?

    Agreed! You'll be happy to learn that Canadians make their kids play soccer all Summer so that they'll stay out of the water.

    I think that I went a little overboard because we had such a crappy Summer and I'm still mad at myself for not studying to become a Marine Biologist.

    I abandoned that dream in my teens when I realised how much I hate being cold and wet. I am also terrified of large mulicellular aquatic vertebrates that will eat you.

    That cheesy bodybuilder shot was specifically taken for your pleasure. I could hear the groans from the other Dads on the beach when I posed and quoted Ron Burgundy
    "The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show".

    Luckily I didn't start a flabalanche when I took my shirt off.

  35. Awesome fotos! I'm glad you survived the Jack attack!

    No wonder Pam Anderson preferred swimming in the polluted waters of California rather than the lakes of Canada! Those Jacks look like they can pop a flotation device with one bite!

  36. Thanks for dropping by Donn... :)

    u sure are having a blast!! isnt it :)

    Nice pics!

  37. HAHAHAHAHA the pics and the narration r soooo funny I cant stop laffing! o nos look at ur surfboard LMAO!

    ty for making me smile Donn. Today I was stopping by my fav few blogs and ur's was #1. :)

    *HUGZ* love ya, keep writing!

  38. Damn you could write for a living you realize this of course, eh?

  39. OK I'll make it clearer - you hold our attention with glee I'm never sure which part to go back and read it's all gravy!

  40. More photo shoots please :)

    Made me laugh. Thanks :)

    Naturally I would prefer to get attacked near Pam Anderson so that I would have immediate access to her survival gear(s)...and I don't think that a Pike could ever get it's mouth around those puppies :)

    You are too kind. You realise that this sort of encouragement will only make me goofier and even more reckless with the facts!
    Thanks mwuah!

    You are much too kind to suggest that someone might actually give me money to write stuff...I am going to say that again because I cannot believe my ears..someone would give me money to write stuff.


    You are very welcome I had a blast doing it.
    I have a few more goofy photo posts planned before signing off..about 20 posts to go.

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