Sunday, April 05, 2009

Mexcellent Adventure

DONN'S MEXCELLENT ADVENTURE

Hola! I am back from Vallarta..h'eemayeen ocho days without blogging?


The 4 hour flight was mercifully uneventful and I didn't perish in a ball of flames.

We arrived late in the evening and once my son and esposa were settled in our room, I ran down to hear the sound of the Pacific Ocean.



Naturally I wouldn't go in past my ankles because I knew that THIS would happen.

So to relieve the stress of my fear of flying, and now sharks, I started consuming copious amounts of ALL-INCLUSIVE-RUM

No problemo...the next day I regained consciousness and found myself in paradiso!





I began looking and acting like a typical touristo..

which of course entails flagrant displays of conspicuous gluttony and sloth interspersed with wanton acts of unacceptable behaviour and disregard for traditions and customs as you periodically wander about town annoying the locals.








VallARTA has muchos ARTA.... so there is muchos to see and do.


Of course you can always make your own art too..



not bad eh?





I had an awesome time and I will discuss the weirdness of it all in greater detail when my brain starts working again.

53 comments:

  1. Good to have you back Donn - I notice there are no topless pics.
    Is that to hide the tattoos?
    :)

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  2. Donn Donn get on Donn, why would someone from Canada holiday in another 3rd world cuntry?

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  3. Glad you had a great time!
    Nice pictures here!And sun tan.And flowers?Nice the picture with the dolphin,hopefully you met the dolphins and not the sharks!Glad you came back into one piece.
    :)

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  4. Thank you for that full and interesting report. You have been missed.

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  5. I'd like to know what that dolphin's thinking.

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  6. Is that dolphin a man or a bird? I'm not saying you're the kind of guy who dances with men dolphins, not that there's anything wrong with men dancing with men dolphins.

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  7. Is that red band like a police tracking bracelet?

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  8. Welcome back, Donn! Glad to see that you had so much fun!
    And wow, your Spanish is really getting better! (I'm very impressed) ,-0

    Take it easy with the comeback!

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  9. You go to Mexico and come back with a farmer's tan???

    Just glad you made it back without any shark's teeth embedded in your skull.

    Although it does look like you had at least one close call. ;-)

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  10. Did Spiderman snatch you from the Jaws of death? You need to feed him more... he's shrinking.

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  11. Yeah - we want topless photos next time. Also more blood, try feeding the shark next time to see if he nibbles just a little.
    x

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  12. Welcome back!

    Good to have you back safely. Glad you had a good time.
    Love the picture with you and the dolphin. Cute!

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  13. Looks like a lovely break from our winter country ;) hope you enjoyed every single second :)

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  14. What Old Knudsen meant to say is that he was inconsolable.

    I had to hug him a lot and pretend I was you.

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  15. um...no. that tropical paradise does not make your ass look fat. yeah..it is that massive ass of yours that makes your ass look fat. or it could be the lighting, yes, it is the lighting!

    i am so glad you had fun got a (farmers tan) tan and master bated!!

    aye yay yaye no me gusta when you are gone and being raped by mexican authorities.

    oh. um...you can never have too much rum, tequila etc. just sayin...

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  16. You should have stayed for a few more days. I was so happy while you were away. Now I have to prepare myself again for your stupid posts...:D

    Whatever it is worth, you look fine with absoulute no wear and tear!

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  17. Welcome back to the land of brrrrrrrrrrrr!

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  18. It looks fantastical in its awesomeness dude!

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  19. looks like your holiday was muy bueno.

    and sooooo well documented!

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  20. reysputin4:10 p.m.

    how is it that you managed to holiday in mexico yet leave your shoulders in manitoba?
    your arty picture is very....very....damn, i forgot his name.

    wyeth!
    it's very wyeth-esque.

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  21. Welcome home! How many of those photos were posed and taken specifically to be blogged? You missed us, eh? :) hehe

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  22. It looks like you had an unavoidable hard-on in picture No. 4, or a particular crimp in your shorts.

    Was it real or just staged? Or was Allie Baby nude while she was taking that pic?

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  23. Is that woman in the pool offering you money?

    Are you moonlighting in Mexico as a Canadian gigolo?

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  24. obviously home to The Giant Penis Chair, what a fantastic photo opportunity!

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  25. Did you only take two t-shirts with you??? No wonder you got a farm's tan....

    Were all those lounge chairs IN the pool? That is too cool... if you get too hot, just fall off the chair momentarily and never lose your spot.

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  26. I'm envious as I sit here at my job as night emergency person in a retirement community. I haven't been on any kind of excuse for a vacation since 2001

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  27. way cool sunglasses-reflection shot Donnnnnnnnnnnnnn!! love the way you gradually pick up a tan. . .

    for some reason your photo reminds me of George Clooney (do you resemble him in real life?)

    glad you had a good hol

    (-:

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  28. Great to see you Don back here. Loved the pics and envied you.
    I wish I cud travel now :/

    The story is marvelous :D

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  29. SCARLS
    Thank You. It is always nice to be "home" but here in Whateverpeg, Winter refuses to release it's icy grip. Hopefully Spring will elbow it's way in this week.

    KAZ
    There are no "topless" pics to protect your eyes and maintain a sense of decorum. I saw so many bodies that should never be exposed in public that I felt compellled to voluntarily limit my inner exhibitionist...besides, I took my shirt off for maybe 30 minutes and burned even with 30 sunblock.

    I hadn't burned my shoulders since the 90s and fully intend to maintain some sense of dignity as I ward off melanoma.


    OLD KNUDEY
    That's a good question.
    Like Mexicans, we Canadians are sometimes overwhelmed by Uncle Sam's mandate to rule the world.

    The Mexicans like us Canucks because we don't treat them like 3rd world minions. Far too many of our other "American" inhabitants, were gigantic, patronizing and loud, and were downright rude to our hosts.

    Our Northern Peso was trading around 10.3 so it was easy to figure out tips by moving the decimal point...the servers told me that we were much better tippers too.


    CANDIE
    I didn't swim in the ocean very often. In the early morning I would grab a coffee and watch a pod of dolphins which would cruise just past the buoys... I was tempted to swim out and meet them.

    After a lifetime of studying sharks I also know that all of the garbage in Banderas Bay attracts sharks at the same time. The stinging, salty, seawater made it hard to look below the surface but my glistening white legs (Yum Yum)would make an irresistable object to investigate.


    VICUS
    Thank You kind Sir. I never heard one Brit accent in the marketplace..a few Germans..a couple of French Canadians...but no Brits. What you did hear was a lot of Canadians adding "eh" and Texan drawls.

    To be fair, most of the Yanks that I chatted up were deeply embarrassed about having had Dubya ruin their country and the rest of the world for 8 years.

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  30. GEOFF
    I could tell that the dolphin was thinking,"Dios Mio not another touristo..if only I was free to roam the high seas and meet some new dolphins..I am sick to death of these insufferable twats."

    EMERSON
    Dolphins are highly sexual creatures who are generally unconcerned about the gender of their wenis receptacle. We had an understanding that this encounter "was what it was" and neither of us would speak of it again. What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

    HAI XL
    HA! Actually it is a "magic" band that forces hovering attendants to place cold libations into your hand once it is held up in the air. Awesome.

    LENI
    My Spanglish improved considerably during my stay and the servers appreciated my efforts. I met a Yank who had family in Spain and he gave me a few pointers..he also clarified the "th" bit about Spanish Spanish which is akin to our Canadian Franglais and the Francais spoken in France.

    I loved trying to converse and the staff loved practicing Inglush so it was a win-win sitch.


    SENORITA PONITA
    I am the King of the Farmer's Tan. Back in my heyday I would turn deep brown but over the pat decade I have begun to burn so I quit tanning my thorax.

    Spiderman wore his Mexican Wrestling mask all the time..which was fine with me because I could look like an idiot and nobody took notice.


    LULU
    As I mentioned the vast majority of huge, white, exposed, bodies around the pool were quite revolting and I refuse to burn my thorax.

    By mid-day the miracle of alcohol softened the impact of being subjected to the mountains of flesh waddling around the pool and everybody stopped caring about their appearance. What are ya gonna do?

    I can testify without fear of contradiction that the smattering of nubile, forms with waistlines that graced us with their presence were much appreciated by one and all.

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  31. CYBERPETE
    Dolphins have that built-in "smile" even when they are dead but we humans love to anthropomorphise it as a grin. They can't change their expression so we think that they are terminally happy so we LOVE them! DUH.

    Shark "faces" have the opposite.. a menacing downward frown so they look perpetually mean so we hate them.


    XMICHRA
    Well I was so relaxed and we only had one day of forced entertainment at a huge dolphin/waterslide park...so how tough can that be right?

    It was wonderful and our little guy is very easy..he entertained many children in the pool and on the beach and adults sitting at the bar where he saddled up and ordered "exotic" drinks that in theory did not contain any alcohol.



    H'EMJZAY
    Thank You for being my surrogate hugger. ..and thanx for making a fuss about my winning the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts while I was away. It is an awesome privilege to be in such company.
    I've already started planning my event.

    I linked your history lesson to the picture on the sidebar :)


    COMPULSIVELY FUNNY
    Thank You for suggesting that it is the lighting that makes my arse look fat. I felt gordo by midweek because I don't usually eat 3x a day and sitting in an all inclusive changes you. Part of you wants to get your money's worth and the other part, the weak-willed inner voice that monitors your health, seems to bugger off some time around Tuesday afternoon.

    GAUTAMI
    Thank You for your molly coddling reaffirmation. I can always trust you to keep my ego in check.

    I survived and you will be happy to note that I forcibly subjected innocent bystanders to engage in discussions that I would have normally covered on my blog..

    it was a substitute and it made me realise how much I enjoy chatting..especially about things that I know little about or that I cannot change.


    ANNDI
    Flying over the frozen wastelands of North Dakota and Manitobrrr was a real eye-opener. Now we are in the midst of our annual Flood and the river is still partially frozen..actually we walked down last night and 80% of the surface is totally covered in ice....and it snowed here last week! Waaaaah

    ANGEL
    It was fantastical in it's awesomeness! Your brain is different on hols...and everybody let's down their guard and is way friendlier and more fun. We need to figure out how to get folks to act like that all the time!


    KATHERINE
    Si, muy bien! I can't show you all of the normal photos because the good-lady-wife doesn't have the same faith in mankind that I do..although they will be on her Facebook...
    needless to say we did do a lot of "normal" laidback things like just walking around the marketplace and finding the perfect Mojito!


    REYSPUTIN
    My shoulders got fried in the 90s and now they stay beige all summer. My face and my arms are peeling like a lizard right now even though they have been soaked in aloe for a week.

    The sun is much more intense at lower lattitudes as you well know from touring the desert nations last year...you must be gettin' the bug to bugger off again eh?

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  32. That sun redened up your skin - matches the shorts you wore...
    ;-P

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  33. STACE
    Staged? Moi? How can you even say such a thing? I'll have you know that I am just a spontaneous fool who is willing to look like an idiot in public ..and when my darling wife snaps the shot she says, "this is for your blog isn't it?"

    WINKY WIENERHEAD
    First of all, why are you staring at my boner? Every guy gets a Beach-Boner! That's why you shouldn't wear Speedos..unless of course such a tiny amount of fabric can comfortably contain the full extension of your manhood.

    My gorgeous (long suffering) spouse is very modest and goes to great lengths to manage her exposure because she knows all-too-well the effect that her awesomeness has on me.

    Try to imagine what effect it might do to a lesser man without my incredible powers of self control?


    H'EMZJAY
    As I am past my best-before-date I am relegated to the role of "safe" conversational guy by all of the other ladies at the resort.

    They see me constantly smooching me bonito espousa so they know that I am not on the make.
    (yes she'll read this and think that I am a real sweetie)
    .

    PROJECTIVIST
    I felt myself strangley drawn to the giant phallic throne and felt right at home once I perched upon it's splendor.

    If you take a second look the wenis aspect is further enhanced by the creatures extended tentacles which drape the back. Pretty hard to misinterpret that sucker! My pose is a little ghey but whatever there were a lot of gay men parading on the seaside walkway that day. I'm only got one "wink" (dammit) so I subconsciously must have decided to amp it up a bit
    .

    SENORITA PONITA
    HAHAH! It certainly looks like that. Luck of the draw.

    That section is reserved for ADULTS ONLY! Usually there were shapely young adults loitering in this area because apparently not everyone wants to be surrounded by screaming kids when they are on vacation? Who knew?


    WELCOME LILY
    Don't I know it..
    I had not had a Winter sojourn since 2000 so I really appreciated getting away..especially since this was such a long miserable cold sonofabitch Winter!


    I LOVE THE VIEW
    HA! Do I look like George Clooney in real life? Hell yes! And you might find this hard to believe but I milk it for all it's worth!

    All kidding aside, as long as my wife thinks I do it's OK to think so. "Handsome is as handsome does" and whatever. Most people who know me would describe me as a predominantly "funny guy" because I don't make much of an effort about my appearance. Thanks to the genetic package donated by my parental units, I have your basic proportionally balanced facial features...from there other people will project whatever they want.

    I actually feel quite unf*ckingcomfortable talking about my mug because our vapid culture has become so uber-obssessed with the artifice of appearance that it's reached the point of absurdity.


    NAHUATL
    Just get up and go! Make a plan and travel somewhere different. It's always an eye opener to see how BIG the world really is and how similar we all are no matter where we live. Everybody ie. the vast majority, just wants the same basic things and some of us are lucky enough to live in places that allow us to pursue these desires and the freedom to act upon them.

    I know how lucky I am..although it would have been cool if my Grandfathers had emigrated to a tropical paradise in the first place.

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  34. I actually feel quite unf*ckingcomfortable talking about my mug because our vapid culture has become so uber-obssessed with the artifice of appearance that it's reached the point of absurdity.

    I know I speak for both Old Knudsen and myself when I say that you can't help it that you're lovely.

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  35. Great pics Donn, but have'nt you got a job to go to?...they must take ages to photoshop

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  36. MJ
    I am as the good lard made me

    SARAH
    Huh? The whole bloody thing was completed in about one hour during the evening? It doesn't take "AGES" to add those captions, it only takes a few minutes...
    plus I sleep about 5 hours a night so that leaves me 19 hour days?

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  37. you're getting cuter by the day.

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  38. Hey you're pretty cute if a little sunburnt. I hope the fondling of the dolphin was consensual.

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  39. What ever happened to the nude pics?

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  40. MISTIPURPLEY
    You are very kind to say so..do go on

    EMMAK
    It was semi-consensual..alcohol may have been a factor because he was swimming sideways when he tried to kiss me. I'd drink too if I had to press the flesh all day long. It's a good thing that his smile is built-in because I don't think that he canfake it much longer.

    SNAKO BLANCO
    They have all been sold to the tabloids for exhorbitant amounts of money...hopefully they will do a little photoshopping to make me look tall, thin, and sober.

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  41. Now this looks like an awesome vacay. Not like the crap I'm on. I feel better just looking at the hilarity!

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  42. "I gave up tanning my thorax".... you sound like a bug.... perhaps torso would be a little more bipedal? ;-)

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  43. What a totaly fab vacation! I just love all the pics, and I laughed my arse off :)

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  44. Man..........You always look cool........thin and OH Mama! so hot!

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  45. Hurrah your back in one peice
    I too used to be a big girls blouse when it came to flying , then I loaded one of them self hypnosis mp/3's onto my ipod and dont give a bugger about it now. Its Excellent :-)

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  46. You really do have a gift with the camera. I wonder if the resort tells employees, "Don't let the shark bite you in the ass on the way out!" when someone quits.

    You don't mean to tell me that you learned "Cathtilian" Spanish in school? "Thuferin' Thuccotash!"

    Contrary to popular opinion, we do not aim to rule the world. At least, most of us don't. Unfortunately, we do let the inmates run this asylum. Just keep sending the maple syrup and no one will get hurt.

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  47. I'm late, but I am glad to see you had a good time.

    Soft love,
    T

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  48. Welcome back! Loved the pictures...yes, Mexico can do that to your brain. With me it was the Tequila!

    LOL

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  49. Awesome pics! It's like watching the Travel Channel, only cooler and much more fun!

    I see you hired a Mexican wrestler as a body guard to fend off those filthy pigeons and annoying paparazzi!

    Who knew that a red allergy band doubles as alcohol calling card in Mexico!?!

    The art shades is cool!

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  50. You have the best update posts ever! Always funny, always creative!

    Welcome back!

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  51. LEAH
    That is a real shame. Next year just come on our vacation. I intend to do it all over again.

    PONITA
    Torso schmorso!

    CAZZIE
    I am glad that I could share it with you. I'll have you know that not one of those pictures was staged for my blog...

    they all were!


    SNAKEY
    WOW! I haven't been called thin since Nixon was deposed, KC & the Sunshine Band ruled the airwaves and Jaws was number one at the box office.

    *excuse me I'm having a moment


    BEAST
    Oye! A big girl's blouse is my new favorite expression! HAHAHA! that is excellent.


    BREAKERSLION
    Hola THenor!
    I'm sorry that I implied that America wants to rule the world..
    I am well aware that only half of you want to..

    OK maybe 51%..and it is really, really, really, politically incorrect to lump you altogether.

    Your syrup is on it's way.


    T
    Hey you! Where have you been? Trapped in the rw? tsk tsk.

    I trust that you will stay out here in dreamland for a while. I did have a wonderful time and actually it was prolly healthy to pry myself away from the monitor for a week.


    JILLIE!
    Yes the Waheela can get the best of us..what is it with Tequila? It's more like a drug than other alcohol. WTH? Seriously..people do things that they would never do on Rye, Gin or Beer?

    Mr E ROSS WINGS
    Si my mayheekan wrastler did a great job of deflecting attention from how dorky I looked. I could have worn a bridesmaid's dress and nobody would have noticed. That's why I love hangin' out with him

    MS SMACK
    I am truly humbled to hear such praise. Once in a while the stars align and I write about something that isn't completely boring and drawn out..like my newest post and 99% of the others...and plus it's all pictures so that's always fun and easy to take.
    Thank You Nice Lady

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  52. Welcome home! Love the pictures and I'm so glad you all had such a wonderful time. Looks like you got a bit of a sunburn. SPF 45, baby!

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